Oral Fixation: Don't dick around.

It occurs to me that we never actually got round to talking about sucking bones, last time around, probably because I am a selfish woman more concerned with getting my own pleasure, rather than serving up yet another unnecessary instruction manual on how to get your man off.  Let's face it, the last thing this world needs is another how to suck a dick article, yes?  No, there is always room for another one.  Because it's December, and I am nothing if not generous in December (stop grumbling, I know I've been lazy...), I thought why not?  Why not indeed...

I went off in search of the how and why of a good blow job, but one hour in I realised it was not particularly helpful.  We've all read the Cosmopolitan 'How To Give A Blow Job' article (fun fact: it's a collection of articles, because they keep adding new improved tips. Nkt!), surely by now the basics are sorted...
  1. insert penis in mouth.
  2. suck on penis.
  3. do not bite penis.
  4. stare deeply into his eyes as you suck; or use both hands to rub his shaft as you suck; or use one hand to rub his shaft as you rub his balls/ass/thighs/hips/nipples with the other hand, while staring deeply into his eyes, while you suck; or stick a doughnut on his dick and nibble away, as you suck, and rub, and stare deeply; or suck, rub, stare, and play with yourself; or do all of the above in front of a mirror.
  5. be sure to tell him whether you want him to come in your mouth, or on your face, or on your breasts
  6. rinse, repeat
Hands up if you found this cosmo-type sex education not even remotely useful.  Both my hands are up right now.  It's complete bollocks, no?  It's not that I object to the always useful suggestion to use my hands, or breasts, or in one troubling instance my feet, it's that I object to the idea that I have such tremendous balance that I can kneel over a man with my head in his crotch, bobbing said head up and down, and yet somehow find a way to reach up and grab his non-existent boob, while staring deeply into his eyes.  What the hell do I look like, that stretchy geezer from Fantastic Four?  See, this is how people get hurt in bed, doing all manner of silly things the magazines tell them to, because we know no better.  Nkt!

What you need to be buying, all ye in search of sex advice, is the original 'sex' manual.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you for your orgasmic amusement, the The Kama Sutra of Vatsyayana.  Cue sound of heavens opening.  Or not, the book does have a tendency to wander into the downright peculiar, but in its defence, it's old, really old.  The Kama Sutra has possibly every sexual act you can think of, described in lurid (and sometimes florid) detail, and because life isn’t just about sex, they have equally detailed sections on courtship, marriage and courtesans.  Yes, courtesans. (Do you think we should have a discussion on what appears to be the important place, in society, of women willing to have sex for a fee? Maybe not.)  There's also an intriguing chapter at the end, Of The Ways Of Exciting Desire, And Miscellaneous Experiments, And Recipes, that describes, among many other things, how to augment any penile, umm, shortcomings a man may suffer from...

When a man wishes to enlarge his lingam, he should rub it with the bristles of certain insects that live in trees, and then, after rubbing it for ten nights with oils, he should again rub it with the bristles as before. By continuing to do this a swelling will be gradually produced in the lingam, and he should then lie on a cot, and cause his lingam to hang down through a hole in the cot. After this he should take away all the pain from the swelling by using cool concoctions. The swelling, which is called 'Suka', and is often brought about among the people of the Dravida country, lasts for life.

Is your mouth open right now?  Read the whole page.  It is, hands down, the scariest shit I have read all year, and that's saying something, no?  Yes.  Bless their little Indian hearts, these buggers were suitably deviant, a deviancy I can only ascribe to the absence of TV to distract them from higher pursuits.  Don’t laugh, think about how much of our lives we waste in front of random screens.  Now imagine if we spent that time on more productive pursuits, inventing wondrous flying machines and shit.  You're not convinced, are you?  You're shaking your head, aren’t you?  Read it all and tell me you could write it, without taking a break every two hours to check if the bloody plane has been found.  I didn’t think so.

It goes without saying that the Kama Sutra has a section on blow jobs, or as they call it, mouth congress.  Stop laughing.  Before I link to this page I have to issue a stern warning: if you are in any way bothered by the idea of a penis in the mouth of another man, DO NOT GO THERE.  It would appear that mouth congress was considered a 'low practice, and opposed to the orders of the Holy Writ', and thus suitable only for eunuchs, and unchaste women. I am not making this shit up.  Assuming you have overcome any homophobic tendencies you may have lurking...who am I kidding, at this point it's only women reading...'Of The Auparishtaka Or Mouth Congress' describes eight steps to the blow...
  1. The nominal congress
  2. Biting the sides
  3. Pressing outside
  4. Pressing inside
  5. Kissing
  6. Rubbing
  7. Sucking a mango fruit
  8. Swallowing up
As tempting as it is to paste the explanations, I shall spare the gentlemen their blushes and let those who are curious read it for themselves.  Gentlemen, if any of you is willing to be my lab rat (hey, Woolie), feel free to comment on this technique hapo chini.  One thing I would like to point out is the complete absence of bullshit tricks and stunts, other than a cursory note at the end, 'Striking, scratching, and other things may also be done during this kind of congress.'  Now I'm not saying tricks and stunts are not required, I'm just saying if these freaky buggers didn’t see the need for them, then perhaps there's no need for them, no?  No?

You like the tricks, don't you?  Useless buggers...

From a woman then, the excellent Voluptuous Voltarian over at Adventures, 'How To Lick The Lollipop'...

There a bunch of techniques online that you can look up but in my opinion the biggest teacher you have is the dick you are blowing. As you lick your lollipop see if the reaction you are getting from the man is favourable. Spread his thighs further apart so you have more room to manoeuvre. Stroke his thighs and rake your nails lightly across them till you reach his hips. Grab his butt. Fondle his balls. Suck one ball while you stroke the other and then switch it up. Vary techniques and pay attention to his reaction. Allow him to guide you.

See?  There are no tricks to this.

Or perhaps there are. From my favourite shrinks, Secrets of Fabulous Fellatio, a scientific how to guide, with glans and ef'thing.  (It bothers me how happy this fancy lingo nonsense makes me, but that's a story for another day.)

The Fine Points
Alternate sucking with licking the head and shaft.
Flick your tongue rapidly around the head.
Lick or nibble the scrotum.
Stroke the shaft with one or both hands while sucking or licking the head.
Fondle the scrotum while sucking.
Gently squeeze the head or shaft between your thumb and forefinger.
Gently slap his erection against your lips or outstretched tongue.
While providing fellatio, massage him elsewhere. Some men enjoy anal sphincter massage during fellatio. Others like being anally fingered—use plenty of lubrican't, and trim that finger’s nail.
Finally, if providing fellatio gives you pleasure, say so. Most men get turned on knowing that their lovers enjoy giving head.

That last point, that's what this post is about.

In my brilliance, last week I decided to ask some men some slightly awkward questions about blow jobs, and the answers I got were nothing short of a mind fuck.  I went into these conversations with a few pre-set notions in my head.  Assumption 1: men love blow jobs.  Assumption 2: men demand blow jobs.  Assumption 3: women give blow jobs. I was wrong on all three counts.  For the record, all the men I spoke were suitably deviant buggers, all four of them.

Ladies, did you know that men may not be as enthralled with blow jobs as we think they are?  Half the men said it wasn’t key to their sex, 'nice, but not important' was one response, 'a dispensable appendage to the entire process' said the other.  I was gobsmacked.  Smacked.  On my gob.  All along I just assumed all men just have to have their dicks sucked, and this despite having shagged a couple of men who didn’t care for it (I assumed they were anomalies).  The idea that a man's reaction to a blow job would be a...shrug?  I never.  I blame the shitty porn I've watched, all porn starts off with a dick in a mouth. Well, except lesbian porn, obviously.  Seriously though, there is a general assumption out here that all men love to get their dicks sucked, right?  Gentlemen, it's in all our silly magazines and the pseudo porn that passes for entertainment, and all the 'how to spice up your sex life' tips make a point of instructing women on the finer points (see above).  And then it turns out this is a myth?  This is the oddest thing, but there you have it.

The next revelation was even more of a mind fuck.  Men don’t ask for, or demand, blow jobs.  A few weeks back I talked about never asking a man to go down on me, and the reactions I got echoed my sentiments.  Turns out men are the exactly the same.  Not one of the men I spoke to asks for head, they all take it as it comes, if it comes.  Remember, these are sexually confident buggers, tending towards the freaky end of the spectrum.  I can understand the ones who don’t go gaga for the gagging not asking, it's not important to them.  Thing is, even the one guy who said he loves blow jobs as much as, if not more, sex (dick in vagina), said he never, ever asks.  There was an odd reluctance here, part of it is the assumption women don’t like to give head, part is the reluctance/fear of getting bad head, once bitten, and all that (pun wholly intended).  Incidentally, contrary to my belief that men hate it, three of the four men are happy to eat their women out, for no other reason than they know their women enjoy it.  One lovely gentleman said, 'If cunnilingus is customer service, heck, I will give good customer service.'  Ahem. Sorry.  Amen.  I made a mental note to continue that conversation with him at a later date, at length.

The last revelation?  Turns out women generally don’t give blow jobs.  I got numbers ranging from as low as 'only a few' to 50%, which by my rudimentary mathafus puts the average at about 30%.  I was expecting responses in the 90% region, to be honest, hence my mind fuck moment.  I assumed that women give blow jobs because it's been drummed into our heads that satisfying the man is the most important thing, and because men allegedly love blow jobs, then surely women must be giving loads of them, no?  No.  Ladies, if you have ever had a moment of doubt, wondering if you need to get past whatever hang up you have, be easy, not too many women are doing it, despite what the likes of Cosmo say.  And he probably doesn’t need you to, apparently.  Turns out, oral sex is not nearly as important as I thought it was, and this bothers me deeply.  How now?  It's so bloody intimate I truly can't imagine sex without it. Or is that why it's not too popular, because of how intimate it is?  Then again, some people consider it impersonal, probably because they think it taboo, dirty.  I don’t get it.

Usually I write to work something out, find some answers, get some sort of resolution. But not tonight.  Tonight I'm left with that unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach, the feeling I get when I haven’t figured shit out, or when I don’t like the answers I've dug up.  My lovelies, what the fuck are we doing in bed?  This nonsense of not asking...or the idea that some things are too taboo to talk about...  Do we talk to each other when we have sex?  I mean really talk?  Or do we just rub genitals and get each other off?

We need to stop dicking around, man.


Angalia Saa...

Happy Jamhuri Day.

There is much to talk about, no?

Oral Fixation.

You've been wondering how you can make it better?
Baby, it's easy to turn my world inside out
Your discovery will take us to another place
Baby, on that, there is no doubt

I've been waiting for the special moment
Anticipating all the things you'll do to me
Make the first step to release my emotions
To take the road to ecstasy...

My childhood innocence is officially dead and gone, buried 6 feet deep in a grave of misunderstood lyrics.  What the hell was I singing when I was a teenager?  Did you know SWV were singing about...  Let me get into this story first, then we'll revisit these women.

I feel like getting suitably filthy today, only I have nothing to get filthy about.  In the three years I've being doing this blogging thing, we've talked about pretty much everything sex related.  No really, every fucking thing.  It all began, quite harmlessly, with a plea for all the good men and women of my city to get their freak on, followed swiftly by a plea for all married people to get their freak on, ideally with their significant others, instead of whining about it in the bar, to me.  I railed against the funga revolution and bad sex, and made an excellent case for shagging the exes and shagging yourself.  We talked about mind fucks and booty calls (which just for the record are still the complete opposite of mind fucks), 'grown ass woman' sex and 'waking up in the morning' man sex.  I tried to convince you to have Christmas flings and quickies, and, when that didn’t work, I did a handy list of 10 things your mother never told you about sex.  I've waxed poetic about the first time you shag someone and the questions you need to ask before you do.  I liberated myself from the shackles of sexual propriety (and got ridiculed for it) and showed you deviant buggers the sewers in your own damn minds (you really shouldn’t have ridiculed me).  We talked about orgasms, at length, and then we talked about dick size, just because we could.  And then we talked about porn, a lot of porn, suspect erotica even, plus a how to guide for aspiring pornographers.  You ignored my threesome story, and my kissing story, and judging by the nonsense I continue to read online, nobody paid any attention to the science I researched (and debunked) oh so lovingly.  On the up side, seems we all quite enjoyed the happy discovery that women make women come more, or better, or both.  Do you see what I mean when I say we've talked about everything?

I suspect I have sucked this bloody bone dry.

Hang on...

She stares at that line again.

Folks, let's talk about sucking bones (and other) dry.  Yes, really.  Come on, we've done everything else, no?  

Detour.  Did you see how I did that?  Smooth, no?  I've just managed to concoct an almost plausible excuse to talk about licking a clitoris, and this while I took you through my disturbingly extensive sex archive.  I know, I'm very clever.  Detour over.

My lovelies, I want to have a discussion about Kenyan men and their seeming reluctance to eat their women out.  I want to have a discussion about Kenyan women and our love for oral sex, and our reluctance to ask for, or demand, or expect it.  I want to have a discussion about putting genitals in your mouth for pleasure, and why some seem to derive no pleasure from it.  I want to know why men go down on you the first time you shag, and they do so extremely well, and then turn around and act like its some Christmas festivity immediately thereafter, to be engaged in no more than once a year (true story by the way, but we'll get to that later).  I want to know if there's a particular way a woman, or man, should taste, or if we're all different flavours.  Stop laughing, that last one's not as idiotic as it sounds, all blood tastes the same, yes?  Stands to reason that all other body fluids do too, no?  No, it still sounds idiotic, but I will still explore, dammit, because I can.  Ladies and gentlemen, it’s finally time to talk about cunnilingus.

First up, a couple of definitions.

Oral stimulation of the vaginal lips and clitoris by a partner of either sex for pleasure or for orgasm . CAUTION: Oral sex between disease-free people is not risky. Although oral-sex was, until recently, considered a low risk activity for getting HIV (USA Today (Feb. 2, 2000) a recent study shows that as many as 8% of new HIV infections in gay men result from performing oral sex) other STDs such as syphilis , gonorrhea , herpes 2 that can be transmitted orally. Since HIV may be contained in the seminal and vaginal fluids of an HIV-infected person, protection in the form of a latex-condom with spermicide (preferably nonoxynol-9) is recommended for fellatio and a dental-dam or latex barrier should be used for cunnilingus . It isn't easy for HIV to get-into the bloodstream through the mouth unless that the mouth contains cuts, sores, or recent dental work . No cases have been reported yet of people being infected with HIV by having oral-sex performed on them.
Etymology: Latin for vulva licker, from cunnus, the vulva, and lingus, the tongue or lingere, to lick .

Stimulation of the penis with the lips, tongue and mouth by a male or female partner for sexual pleasure or for orgasm and ejaculation . A distinction, now obsolete, was once made in Latin and old English between fellatio and irrumatio depending on who was actively moving: irrumatio meant to thrust the penis into the partner's mouth , fellatio meant to move the head and mouth up-and-down around the penis. This distinction has vanished in modern English and the word irrumation has almost completely fallen out of use.
Etymology: From the Latin fellâtus, past participle of fellâre, to suck, and fello, originally meaning to suck the teat .

Not to get too political about this, but do you see how the two definitions differ?  Cunnilingus, oral sex on a woman, comes with a stern warning about disease.  Disease!  They even threw in gay men, because gay men engage in copious quantities of pussy eating, right?  In contrast, the fellatio definition is quite detailed, including a most illuminating explanation on irrumation (I am so using that on a man one day, 'Stop irummating me, baibee!' I will exclaim, as I push him off my face.  Oh my...).  Note the complete lack of health warnings, or complimentary lesbians, when it comes to sucking a dick.  Pardon my French, but what the fuck kinda bullshit is this?  Problem is, this sexist approach to pleasure is constant these days, everything from porn to daytime TV is skewed towards male pleasure.  But not here, no sirree bob.  Here women's pleasure is equal to, perhaps even greater than, men's pleasure.

To Wikipedia then, for a less biased (read, bullshit) definition of oral sex:

Oral sex or oral intercourse is sexual activity involving the stimulation of the genitalia of a person by another person using the mouth (including the lips, tongue or teeth) or throat. Cunnilingus is oral sex performed on a female, while fellatio is oral sex performed on a male. Anilingus, another form of oral sex, is oral stimulation of a person's anus. Oral stimulation of other parts of the body (as in kissing and licking) is usually not considered oral sex.

Oral sex may be performed as foreplay to incite sexual arousal before other sexual activities (such as vaginal or anal intercourse), or as an erotic and physically intimate act in its own right.

Most of us already know what oral sex is, the problem normally arising with the how, and maybe the why.  Gentlemen, I don’t know how to tell you this except to tell it to you straight.  Cunnilingus is the way to (many) a woman's heaven.  Last year we talked about the omnipresent statistic, that only 1 in 3 women orgasm from penetration alone.  What this means is the other 2 women require stimulation of their clitoris to come, which in turn means you will be eating her out.  Yes, you can use your fingers, but be honest, how many of you know how to use your fingers that well?  Thought so.  Your mouth, especially your tongue is best suited to this little exercise.  So then, how do you give your lover oral pleasure?  Is there a handy 10-point guide to sucking on the strawberry and sipping on her wine?

In one of the stranger discoveries of my evening, I found this information on Wikipedia of all places...

Some sex manuals recommend beginning with a gentler, less focused stimulation of the labia and the whole genital area. The tip, blade, or underside of the tongue may be used, and so might the nose, chin, teeth and lips. Movements can be slow or fast, regular or erratic, firm or soft, according to the participants' preferences. The tongue can be inserted into the vagina, either stiffened or moving. The performing partner may also hum to produce vibration.

And they say wikipedia is boring. Pffft! Clearly they haven’t set eyes on the useful illustration at the top of the page, of a woman eating another woman out. (Sidebar: I'm not sure if that's sexist or not, using two women like that, seems a tad gratuitous that display of lesbian activity.  Then again, I'm not sure any image is necessary so...)  Mind you, they also threw in this little gem:

Autocunnilingus, which is cunnilingus performed by a female on herself, may be possible, but an unusually high degree of flexibility is required, which may be possessed only by contortionists.

If wishes were horses, my lovelies, I would never leave the damn house ever again.  For what?

Seriously though, there is no shortage of how to articles online, most admittedly absurd, like this one which advises men to make like Ali... 

One of my favorite tongue techniques that I talk about in my book 'She Comes First' is the “Rope-a-dope”— the strategy Muhammad Ali used to take down George Foreman during the edge-of your-seat Rumble in the Jungle. Let her push and grind against your flat, still tongue — take it all in — and then spring back with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes. Lick her senseless with a short burst of energy and then return to the flat, still tongue, waiting for yet another opportune moment to spring to life again.

Spring back? What the fuck is this, hunting? Gentlemen, do not try this at home. No really, don’t. You leave your tongue still and she'll think you've finished, and not in a good way. Besides, what's the point of getting a man to eat you out if he won't actually eat, no? I just got virtual high fives from the female half of my audience. 

 If you want a useful guide look for one written by women, like this one, Cunnilingus 101: Our Guide To Going Down, it has a drawing and ef'thing, and a handy list:

Dos & Don’t’s
1.  Do change the strength and intensity of your strokes, to vary her sensations!
2.  Don’t change them when she’s close to coming!
3.  Do show enthusiasm and give positive reinforcement after!
4.  Don’t get so lost in your own enjoyment that you miss her cues.
5.  Do use your hands and whole face when pleasuring her.
6.  Don’t come to bed with jagged fingernails or beard stubble.
7.  Do keep licking as she’s coming.
8.  Don’t stop until she pushes you away or signals that she’s had enough.
9.  Do use the heat of your breath to excite her.
10. Don’t blow into her vagina.

Also good, if somewhat more opinionated, is this, The Lesbian Guide To Eating Pussy (Every Man Must Read).

Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they don’t like it but because it is really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so it’s time we broke it down. Like this.

The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face. Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, “Although I am about to rock your insides with 3,000 pounds of explosives, here’s a little treat session to show you how I really feel.” Instead of a screamed “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ohmygodohmygodohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (that’s French for “eat,” you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or a “Calgon, take me away” ad.

I have no idea what a Calgon is, but Kai Ni Kii? approves of this message.  Feel free to thank me later.

Keep on doing, doing what you're doing
'Til you feel the passion burning up inside of me
If you do me right, we'll be making love all through the night
Until you uncover the mystery

Take it nice and slow, baby, don't rush the feeling
Now you know how you can make it happen, yeah
My desire is begging for the healing
Let me guide you down to the place to be...

Which brings me to the crux of the matter.  For all the information out here on how to pleasure a woman, they don’t tell us much about women who don’t like to be pleasured, and women who don’t like to ask to be pleasured.  Most women I know fall in the second category.  Wait, maybe that’s just me.  For some reason I never ask for oral sex.  I gladly give it, but never think to demand it, and the best part of this mess is this, I then resent the man for not giving it.  I really do.  I figure, if a man enjoys getting his dick sucked, how does it not occur to him that I would enjoy the same?  No, I don’t have a dick, but my clit has many, many more nerve endings than your bloody cock, so do the fucking maths.  Bloody nkt!  Why then do I not say anything?  Because in my head I'm convinced most men don’t like to do it, and I'm a firm believer in not forcing someone to do anything they don’t want to do.  Plus, I refuse to beg.  That’s right, I am too proud to beg.  Shame man.  How is it a freaky little creature like me hesitates when it comes to my own pleasure?

Turns out I'm not the only one.

As always, my interest in this particular topic was ignited by a suitably inflammatory article (read, click bait).  Why do so many straight women prefer penetration to oral sex?  Watch this video, Straight Girls Explain : Penetration Vs Oral, the subject of the article, and tell me if anything these (admittedly young and white) women say resonates with you.

It would appear our reticence when it comes to oral sex may have less to do with men and more to do with our own body cum sex issues.  Do you think you smell/taste a little funky?  Do you think your hoohaa isn’t pretty enough?  Are you flustered by the thought of a man getting that close to your womanhood, and by association your nudity?  Or do you simply think putting genitals in mouths is nasty?  Ladies, whatever thoughts you have regarding your lady bits, good and bad, I assure you there is another woman somewhere who thinks the exact same way.  A lifetime of being brought up 'proper' has left us with a most Presbyterian approach, where Presbyterian means repressed (no offence to any Presbyterian here), to our sexuality.  Again, maybe this is just me, but I’m willing to wager its not.  The unfortunate reality of our conservative upbringing is many, possibly most, women have been conditioned to think of their own pleasure as secondary to their man's, and that their vaginas are evil honey pots of sin that are never to be seen or touched, let alone heard.  Yes, your vagina has a voice, who do you think tells you to chase after that hot man when you damn well know you shouldn't?  This is probably the one thing men will never understand about us, this love hate relationship we have with our loins.  The good news is, because here at Kai Ni Kii? we always have good news, this conditioning can be overcome.  The bad news is, I'm not entirely sure how.  

Don't look at me like that, I'm still in the basic process of working up the courage to ask for some tongue, but at least these days I no longer worry about smelling/tasting iffy.  A shower before a shag works wonders for my confidence, I've found.  

It's a miracle I get somehow laid even after writing this shit.  Moving right along.

As part of my annual 'give something back to the community in December' sex outreach programme, I would like to dispel this one myth.  Ladies, men love oral sex just as much as we do, giving and receiving.  As for why they ration it like Christmas, I have no idea, but I'm guessing it has something to do with laziness, and perhaps the fact that we don't make it a requirement.  Fortunately for women, we always have the option of replacing him with another, more eager, lover.  What’s that?  But you love him?  Well then, you might want to share this post with him, all subtle like.  Or play him this song...

You gotta go downtown
That's the way to my love
Take it round and round
Oooh, you can't stop 'til you find my love
Go downtown, to taste the sweetness will be enough
That's the love that you've been dreamin' of...

The song is 'Downtown' by SWV, an ode to...you guessed it...going down on a woman.  Now when I say ode, I mean ode.  There is nothing else to this song other than eating her, them, out.  And I didn’t have a clue until about one hour ago.  I was singing along to this song way back when I was in high school, none the wiser.  And not because I was an idiot, watch the video and see for yourself.  Does anything there lead you to think it has anything whatsoever to do with oral sex?  Wait.  Hmm...  There's a shirtless man kneeling in front of her with his head in her crotch area...water cascading down...a man's strong fingers on a tight drum...  I get it now, completely about oral sex.



Everyday People.

Sometimes I'm right and I can be wrong
My own beliefs are in my song
The butcher, the banker, the drummer and then
Makes no difference what group I'm in
I am everyday people

Oh sha sha...

I've written this post before, more times that I care to remember.  Exact same shit, different day, different names.  Random people died out in the badlands?  Nothing new, that shit happens all the time around here and nobody gives a rat's ass, and not because we don't give a rat's ass, but because he can't be bothered to look out for us hoi polloi.  'He whom?' you ask.  Nope, its not the secretary of interiors, nor the inspector of general things, not even the deputy former president for a day, those men are but minions in the greater scheme of things.  These days I reserve my anger for the man himself, el presidente, he that claims to be protecting us.

As random Kenyans were getting shot in the head...
Crazy Africanz
...the man was in Abu Dhabi, watching Formula 1, and possibly signing over more leases and stuff to wealthy Arabs.
I sincerely hope the caption is harmless

Wait, before you go jumping to conclusions, the man wasn't there to have a good time, he was there on business...

The UAE, more than any other country in the Middle East and Africa, has become adept at milking glitzy sports events to craft its image as a leading financial and trading capital—enough to attract massive global investment and to get the world to forget that it is not a democracy.
Kenya's Uhuru, Gabon's Bongo, Seychelles' Michel and Ethiopia's FM were among the dozens of leaders at Yas Marina for the season-ending decider.

See?  He was there as an investor. 

But wait...

From 1:04 to 1:50

"The location, as has been stated by His Excellency, the president, and through the presentation, opens you up to not just opportunities in Kenya, but also opportunities within East Africa as well as the wider central and southern African countries.

Again, I would like to re-emphasise the issue that we have a free floating currency in Kenya, we have no problem whatsoever with repatriation of profits, so you invest and you take your profits with no problem, there are no regulations , no restrictions [emphasis mine]..."

See, this is why I love the internet.  This little gem is from back in 2011, when el presidente was a lowly Minister for Finance and Deputy Prime Minister.  Yup, our finance minister was proud to tell the foreigners that they could take their profits and bugger off, bila issues.  So what if that meant his government would lose possibly billions in much needed taxes?  Fuck that, this is business, baby, and we is businessmen!  (I'm putting words in his mouth, but am I really?)  And in case you think he was busy spouting his own nonsense without the knowledge of our then super economist prezzo, take a look at 2:06.  That would be Emilio, looking on with what we can only assume is pride (roho safi, after the missus chapad him with the stool he had only one expression left, no?).  Back to Kamwana...

"As I said, President Kibaki's government firmly stands on the principle that government creates an enabling environment, but it is private sector that does business, it is private sector that creates growth and job opportunities. We have created the environment, what we are seeking is for you to make the investment, make your profits, and help us build Kenya, and indeed build our strong relations between our two countries."

This was back in November 2011, during an official state visit as reported here, President His Highness Sheikh Khalifa receives Kenyan President, and here, Kenya, UAE sign agreement to avoid double taxation.  From the second link, Wikileaks no less...

"It is worth while noting that the countries in the region are working together on mechanisms to fast-track the implementation of priority infrastructure development programmes," advised the president.

He, however, underscored that such programmes could only be achieved with adequate resources which the government sought to identify and mobilize in partnership with the private sector and other sources like the Abu Dhabi investors whom he invited to consider.

This foreign investment story deserves a post of its own, but for the purposes of today's discussion all we need to keep in mind is that Abu Dhabi is important to us.  Well, them.  And us.  I hope.  The good news is, prezzo didn’t go to Abu Dhabi specifically to watch Formula 1, he went to do business.  The bad news is, he went to do business.  From an article published in May 2012...

Exports from the UAE to Kenya surged nearly 72 per cent last year, helping the Emirates to surpass China and India to reclaim its position as the largest exporter to the East African country.

The value of exports from the Emirates reached 199 billion Kenyan shillings (Dh8.67bn) last year, almost 72 per cent higher than in the previous year, boosted in part by an increase in oil prices, according to figures from the Kenya National Bureau of Statistics (KNBS).

It gets better, or worse, depending...

Although investment flows into Kenya from the UAE have been relatively limited, the Abu Dhabi Fund for Development has supported some infrastructure projects in Kenya with grants and loans.

The UAE's Ministry of Economy has said that the Emirates' investment in Africa is expected to increase significantly in the coming years as the UAE continues its economic diversification efforts. The sectors it is interested in developing on the continent include infrastructure, energy, mining, transport and mobile communications, it has said.

In November, Kenya and the UAE signed an agreement to avoid double taxation - part of efforts to develop economic relations between the two countries. All of the UAE's national carriers would be exempt from taxes on commercial profits, according to the agreement.

Infrastructure, energy, mining, transport and mobile communications. 


Have I told you how much I love the internet?  I do, I really do.  A quick google of 'Abu Dhabi investments Kenya' and the first two pages of results were about the deal signed on 23rd November, 2014.  That would be Sunday.  This past Sunday.  A day after the attack in Mandera.

Kenya and the United Arab Emirates ( UAE) have entered into an investment promotion agreement that is expected to increase the volume of trade between the two countries.

The agreement was signed by National Treasury Cabinet Secretary Henry Rotich and the UAE Minister of State for Financial Affairs Obaid Al Tayer in Abu Dhabi yesterday.

The Promotion and Protection of Investments agreement will see more investments from UAE flowing into Kenya. Kenyan companies will also find it easier to do business in the UAE. The agreement eases trade restrictions and provides assurance for investors in both countries by creating favourable trading conditions.

See, these buggers are hard at work, no?  Yes, they may be selling our souls to the (almost) white man, but they're working, so stop getting your knickers in a twist because the man didn’t come home when 28 people got shot in the head by idiot terrorists.


Apologies.  I should have warned you about that image, but I didn’t want to give you a chance to look away.  Folks, but for luck of geography, that could easily be you lying on the ground with your skull blown open and your brains seeping into the ground.  Look again.  That could be any one of us, should we happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Again, apologies, I mean no disrespect to the dead, or the living, I'm just trying to get through to you, rouse your passions as it were.  Every time these attacks occur all we get to see are the sanitised images of a shoe in a pool of blood, with a picture of a candle and a bloody poem.  Not this time.  This time we need to look at how our people, people pretty much exactly like us, are dying. 

Look again.

See, us fancy Nairobi types, with our highways and our coffee shops and our swanky lounge bars, we thought we were above all this madness.  Being slaughtered like animals?  Never!  Then Westgate happened, and that idyllic image was shattered.  Then we eagerly forgot.  We always choose to forget.  Just because you don’t catch a bus or you don’t work in Gikomba, just because you don’t live in the frontier districts or Mombasa, just because you pray to a certain God or pay another, just because you don’t look like a possible victim of random bullshit terrorist attacks, you think you're safe.  One of these days you'll realise you're not, not really.  Not as long as the people we pay to protect us are too busy cutting deals and playing petty politics to do their fucking jobs.

Remember this grand speech...
Wait, no, that's the wrong one.  I meant this one...

The world sees and applauds, as we do, our young men and women in uniform, who, under my command, are bravely fighting AlShabaab’s terrorists at home and abroad. Our diplomats are crucial actors in a troubled region, working to end the conflicts, and fill the vacuums in governance, that allow such terrorist groups room to operate.

The world knows that as a democracy on the frontier against terrorism, our people have been brutally murdered by the same terrorist networks that have sparked mayhem worldwide.

We face these trials with fortitude, knowing that our work to banish insecurity, poverty, and division is our generation’s historic task. It is how our children’s children will remember us.

This speech was just lovely.  Except for the minor fact that this was his 'I'm quitting my job for two days so I can go to the court where I'm accused of crimes against humanity' speech.  I suspect the sentiment, while deeply stirring, may not have been entirely, umm, genuine, which is to say its complete bollocks.  Not that this comes as a surprise to us, this speech is a repeat of the Mpeketoni speech, which was a repeat of the Gikomba speech, which was a repeat of...all the way back to the infamous 'don’t show them how high you are' Westgate speech.   Same shitty speech, different day.  But hey, 'Ulinzi Unaanza na Mimi, Ulinzi Unaanza na Wewe'...

Slight detour, why didn’t you people tell me how hilarious this rubbish is?  I'd only seen the crap in the gazeti, but this shit right here...  What!  This is fucking comedy!  How is this man my president?  She wipes tears of hysterical laughter off her cheeks.  Woi.  Detour over.

I am everyday people

Oh sha sha...

28 victims.  28 men and women who were guaranteed, nay, owed the same protection as that given to the government fat cats and slimy opposition politicians, sitting in their cushy offices in the capital, spewing all manner of bile.  These 28 people, everyday people, died in the most gruesome of ways, and all the government does is talk shit.  And beef, sometimes up, security.

Our president...

Fellow Kenyans,

I join fellow Kenyans in mourning the death of 28 innocent Kenyans at the hands of terrorists and bandits in Mandera. This is a terrible and painful blow to the families of the dead, and to our nation. It is a setback to my Government’s effort to confront terrorists and secure Kenyans. As we mourn the fallen, I reiterate my Government’s commitment to assure the safety and security of every Kenyan wherever they are, at all times.

I therefore extend deep condolences on my own behalf and that of peace loving Kenyans from every walk of life and faith.

Following this outrage, our security forces swiftly identified, followed and struck the perpetrators of the murders . Two succesful operations in their hide-outs across the border left more than 100 fatalities, destroyed four technicals and the camp from which this crime was planned. This rapid action underscores a huge victory against regional terrorist networks, and strengthens the promise to deliver Security against internal and external aggression. Whilst This achievement cannot be ignored, I will hasten to add that we are working hard to ensure that Kenya is terror-proof in accordance with the best standards. This involves comprehensive systemic adjustments to ensure that the structural and operational dimensions of our security system do justice to the nation’s expectations of a consistently effective, accountable and professional service. I commend of our defence forces for their continued efforts to protectour people and country. I urge unrelenting vigilance and swift, decisive response to any threats, and unrelenting service to our people.

Mr President, in a most comprehensive and systemic fashion, kindly kiss the structural and operational dimensions of my fat black ass.

Fellow Kenyans, my lovelies, we are everyday people.  Be safe.

I am no better and neither are you
We are the same, whatever we do
You love me, you hate me, you know me and then
You can't figure out the bag I'm in
I am everyday people
I am everyday people

Oh sha sha...


Same wheel, new angle.

You know that list of seven women I’d happily shag, the one that has Pink?  It has a new addition.  Even better, a new number one.  I am officially head over heels in love with, and in lust for, this woman...

(I don't know how to stop this from playing automatically, dammit! You might want to press pause, or turn down the volume...)

It’s not often I stumble across new music that takes my breath away.  More often than not, when I discover something 'new' I find out it’s actually old, sometimes even older than I am (stop sniggering), and worse still, the old is almost always better than the new.  That makes me sound like a geriatric music snob, no?  I’m not...well, not entirely, I am geriatric (really, stop sniggering), but I’m definitely not a snob.  I am truly open to the idea that someone somewhere will one day wake up and figure out how to reinvent the wheel.  Only, as with all things wheel reinvention, that’s damn near impossible to achieve.  These days what tends to happen is someone comes along and reveals a previously unseen angle to said wheel; a close up of a worn tread, or a microscopic look at the molecules of rubber.  Same wheel, new angle.  That’s what today’s artist did.  She’s allegedly a soul artist, but a quick listen to her second album proves she’s much more.  She’s closer to the eclectic purple end of the spectrum, which is to say I can’t quite figure out where to place her in the grand scheme of things.  And I love her all the more for it.

The video up top, the one I know you haven’t played, is a live performance of her cover of Cee Lo Green’s ’Fool For You’.  That’s the first time I saw/heard her and let me tell you, I was flabbergasted.  Yes, she gasted my flabber.  I was sitting there mid morning, in my pyjamas, drinking masala tea and scrolling though headlines on my phone, generally paying no attention to the show playing in the background on TV.  Then she started singing and my world came to an abrupt halt.  See, I had never heard the song before, original or cover, which as is turns out is quite shameful considering the original won Mr Green two Grammy’s in 2012.  I know, I claim to know these things, but I don’t, not really (in my defence, I was on a Grammy boycott that year after they denied my man Raheem in 2011, but that story has already been told, I shall not detour).  This was one of those instances when my ignorance was bliss, and oh what bliss it was...

Sweet sugar, I surrender, I don’t want no other man,
Baby, you win,
And you ain’t never got to worry, ever got to worry,
You’ll never be alone again,
There’s nothing, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do,
Girl, that’s somebody there, everybody know who I’m talking to,

I’m a fool, such a fool for you...

I know the lyrics aren’t hers, but she sings this the way Cee Lo, quite frankly, never can (his version is in the soundtrack thingi).  Hell, if I didn’t know better I’d be convinced she’s Kenyan, the way she’s grabbed the song from the man, complete with genuine fake title and ef’thing.  Seriously though, this performance is everything a classic performance should be, tight as fuck with a climax that leaves you drained.  Ahem.  It is therefore inevitable she ended up on this page, and at the top of my list, displacing Ms Tina.  Don’t look at me like that, yes, I would shag Tina Turner.  Have you not seen her legs?  And her glorious lion mane of a wig?  Haven’t you heard her sexy, sexy growl of a voice?  Come now, of course she was at the top of the list, she sniffs haughtily, offended that you have the audacity to question her dubious fantasy shag choices.  Again, ahem.

You know how I said I wouldn’t detour?  I lied.  All that was one long detour.  Apologies, but I needed to introduce my Alice to you before I could proceed with the tale I came to tell you.  This post began life with (what I not so humbly consider) the best song on the album 'She', 'Another Love', a most addictive 80’s pop sounding track that, on first listen, crawled into my that corner of my brain reserved for important information and refused to leave.  I admit I got derailed by the fool song, but only because I was avoiding my tale. Stop feigning surprise, I do this deflecting thing all the time, no?

The last three or so months I’ve been dealing with love and loss, and loneliness, a fair bit of which is not mine.  I’m not sure if it’s the season (winter/cold, discontent, all that jazz), or that I’m attracting like minded individuals by virtue of the constantly melancholic vibes I’m sending out into the universe, but I seem to be having this conversation more often than usual.  Lovers leaving and leaving lovers, lovers who won’t come back and going back to lovers, lovers we want to replace and irreplaceable lovers...

You said I was what you wanted, liar, liar,
You never wanted me that way,
If you don’t like it right here, why would you stay here?
Just to be taken all I did, babe, everything...

The end of a relationship is never an easy thing to talk about. In between apportioning blame for failure, real or perceived, and pretending that everything is fine only to slip and fall flat on your face again, then waking up and pretending even worse, all this in the middle of the never ending analysis in your head, seems putting coherent thoughts together is an almost impossible task.  How do you talk about someone you never had leaving you without sounding like an insane would be stalker?  How do you mourn the end of a relationship you’re secretly glad is over?  How do fill the gap he left in your already too empty life?  How do find your way back to that woman you lost and hope to find again?  How do you get past betrayal and repair a relationship that may just irreparable?  How do you finally let go and start over?

I tried to be what you wanted, but I’m tired, I’m tired,
I don’t really need you anyway.
There’s nothing here to fight for, baby, be on your way,
You can’t be taking what I give, babe, all I give...

I don’t know what it is I may have said on these pages that gives the impression I have the answers to these questions.  Reading through old posts I’ve done on break ups, make ups and everything in between, I think it’s safe to say I do not have this shit figured out.  At all.  It’s okay, you can laugh at me, I just had a wee chuckle myself.  My lovelies, if ever there was a person not to talk to about relationships, it’s me.  Then again, the fact that I know how fucked up I am may be why I am the right person to talk to, no?  No, dammit.  Either way, I’m always happy to listen to someone else’s tale, figuring perhaps their tale may have the answers to my own.  My tale right now is not so much loss as it is inevitability, I’m having one of those irritating 'stranded in some vague limbo of neither here nor there' moments, reluctant to go back, but scared to move forward.  I can’t really explain it better right now, I’ve been trying to put it in words for months with absolutely no success.  Short of drawing you a picture, literally...she throws her hands up in defeat (that bit is not literal, obviously). 

Transition.  That’s the word.

If you don’t like it, baby
Find another love, another love
You don’t have the right to take it
I’ll find another, another, another, another...

To anyone out here who’s currently dealing with loss, of any kind, take comfort in the knowledge that there are quite a few of us dealing with it too, and just as horribly as you are.  I know that’s cold comfort, but you need to take what you can get, my friend, and all you’ll get here is vague affirmations and useless clichés, such as I tend to spew when lost for words.  Some relationships end, some don’t.  Some can be repaired, some can’t.  Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don’t.  Sometimes you move on to bigger and better things, sometimes you end up with another idiot.  Such is life, unfortunately.

If you don’t want me, baby
I’ll find another, another, another love
You don’t have the right to break me
I’ll find another, another, another love
You don’t have to stay
You don’t have to stay...

On the up side, and there is always an up side here at Kai Ni Kii?, I have a new woman, Alice.  Alice Smith.


A picture is (in this case, literally) worth a thousand words.

You know things are bad when the intro to a post is a cartoon, but in my defence, it's Pinky and the Brain.  Don't look at me like that, this here is profound.  Hell, it's more profound than I'm feeling right now.  When all else fails, my lovelies, always turn to the mice.

Noreaga, Genghis Khan, Saddam Hussein, and me the Brain, 
we all have this one thing in common: we are into world domination.
(It's a new sensation, try it and you'll feel elation.)
It's the gift to give the guy who wants everything. 

I haven’t talked about siasa for three months, not because there's nothing to talk about, but because there's nothing new to say.  The government is still being special, the opposition is still trying to locate its own ass(hole) and the media are still doing whatever the fuck it is they do when they're not reporting news.  Seriously, I can reblog the posts from June, with only slight modification of names and dates, and they would still be as relevant today as they were back then.  Nothing has changed.  Hang on, that's not entirely accurate.  Al Shabaab have left us alone these past few months, which could either mean the cops are hard at work, or the terrorists weren’t as hard at work as we were led to believe.  I choose to go with the hard working cops theory, as implausible as it is, because the 'it wasn’t the terrorists throwing grenades' theory is a bit of a rabbit hole, the type of rabbit hole that has you written off as a nutter should you choose to wander down that path.  I'm already a nutter, so no, not going there.  With this in mind...

So the prezzo?  Sema superstar!  At the rate things are going he may just turn out to be the long awaited redeemer, returned to save us from a painful eternity in the bowels of hell.  But wait...

I'm just saying, what started off as a seemingly harmless exercise of remaking him in Barack's image has now gone above and beyond. 

These days the man is Jack Bauer...
There's no for jokes...
source: twitter
And he carries his own chair, so there.
Rambo wa maji...
source: twitter
Putting the C back in C in C.
Walker Texas Ranger...
source: twitter
Yee haw!
Just blowing shit up...
source: twitter
See how the ship goes boom!
and chasing bad guys down.
source: twitter
He just had to get on the motorcycle.

Inspiring others to do the same...
source: twitter
Be the best that you can be.

(Military takeovers!)
Governmental makeovers!
(Coup d'état will be confined!)
It keeps your junta occupied. 

And when he's not out saving the world, he's preaching democracy to all that will listen...
source: twitter
From the podium at the UN no less.  ICC for what?
source: twitter
Maybe not to this guy though, this one he sought advice from, on how to manage oil wealth.

A man of the people...
source: twitter
Look at him walking to his office, with his little blonde friend.
source: twitter
I haven't seen flags like those at State House since...

with the people...
source: twitter
He'll talk to you...
source: twitter
...and dance with you...
source: twitter
...drink with you...
source: twitter
...he'll even eat with you.  Yes sir, we know, that right there is the shiznit.

occasionally, he's even one of the people...
source: twitter
Its not every day the CEO of KQ escorts a private citizen to his plane, is it?

He's a loving husband...
source: twitter
That's one hell of a suit he has on, especially the left arm...

Best friend...
source: twitter
He knows Billy will be waiting for him at the airport...
source: twitter
Brings a tear to my eye.

Proud boss...
source: twitter
Because its not at all strange that a CS would have the president at her homecoming, or that she's having a homecoming.

Manager of all things digital...
source: twitter
The land registry...
source: twitter
source: twitter
...even the biometric thingamajig.  This is the new 500M one, because the 7B one worked so well.

Mkulima Number One...
source: twitter
Tubers can be fascinating...
source: twitter
...very fascinating.
source: twitter
I have no idea what's going on here, but it looks suspect.  Nay, fowl.
(I know its bad, but you can't have a picture of a chicken and not make a fowl joke.)

and a rally enthusiast...
source: twitter
Lakini that thumbs up is in kuyo...

He also has a passion for the arts...
source: twitter
See the art installation on the left, with what appears to be mounting going on, very artistic.
He does loves a good boy band, no?

Ah Mr President, you are the man.
source: news.com.au
I know, I feel it too.

So, if you have a calculator, you can be a great dictator. 
Let each country that you covet equal X (You're gonna love it!) multiply by Y not try it, 
If the people start to riot, you can always say that they are just a bunch of kooks. 

People just need to be led!
(By a mouse with a big head!)
To their weakness, they'll succumb!
(If you give them chewing gum!) 
It may bother them a bit.
(But they'll soon get over it)
They won't whine when I'm the Czar of all that we see, near and far!