This post is fucking hilarious.  I had to say it, upfront.  I'm itching to let you get on with it, but before you do I must introduce my most illustrious guest.  Ladies and gentlemen, meet Ms Savvy, recent inhabitant of the comments section here in our little corner of the interwebs.  She's a blogger of many years (Savvy Kenya), hell, she's pretty much blog royalty in my book.  She's a techie, mother, AFC fan, writer, new car owner (just saying)...  Have I left anything out?  Ah yes, she's off to Japan in a few days to get herself a second MSc in Artificial Intelligence and such like, because one MSc is just never enough, is it?  She's sharp, is all I'm saying, in both mind and wit.  And she has a wee fondness for our little sewer.  Which brings me to this post...for real, I’m so excited I'm clapping, while I type...my lovelies, there is nothing better than an intelligent woman who can talk smut, smart, as you shall soon discover.

As always the disclaimer. This is a tale from the sewer and therefore it will be both rude (but only slightly) and crude (maybe slightly more), but, and I don’t often get to say this here, in a very good way. If you blush at the mention of porn, you might want to leave now...

How to make (good) pornography.

On Sundays, Kenyans on twitter are rather idle, and there is always something brewing. Nothing ever serious though, just trivial things blown out of proportion for the entertainment of us, idle tweeps. Like recently, there was talk of 37 million shillings. A chick had turned down 37M in return for her phone number! If someone offered me 37M for my phone number, I’d even draw them a map to my shagz. Everyone on my timeline was wondering how that was possible, they were all fantasizing about what they could do with 37M if they got it. Sadly, nothing imaginative though, beyond buying land and maybe some ugly Range Rover (I am seriously digressing, Alex-style, but hear me out). I am always curious and rarely jump into discussions without knowing their origins. I found the original tweet and it went like, “A dude last night was trying to impress me into giving him my number be saying he sealed a deal of 37 million.” Now I understand, I also wouldn’t give such a person my number! He was probably just a broker and his cut could be 37K only. Wealthy people don’t talk about their money. Which reminds, there was the time I thought had met a rich politician, a guy who talked about money on the very first time we met accidentally. So much for the shopping trips to London & Paris, nkt! Now a girl has to go and make her own money, SMH.

Back to the topic at hand, enough of the detour. On another idle Sunday, I stumbled on people talking about a Florence Wambui. I immediately did a search on twitter for the name. I stumbled on the original account, describing herself as “Kenya’s Most Famous Porn Star” and “Queen of Anal” or something along those lines. I didn’t bother with the tweets, they weren’t likely to be witty anyway. I started scrolling through the pics, and my oh my! Gross & grotesque pictures of her licking some not-so-good-looking pale dick, pictures of her getting some dick anally (she insists you must use a condom if anal), blurry pictures in lodgings (likely those that have different coloured slippers), and a few pictures of her in clothes. Pictures of her with cum on her face (how the fuck is this sexy? Sorry digressing again). And so on, and so forth. She looks way better in clothes than without.

So my tweet on the topic was something like “Florence Wambui: Now I cannot unsee what I just saw”. And Alex responded that she thought the porn pics were of rather poor quality. I agreed 100%. Not that I am a big consumer of porn, but I don’t have to be an expert to tell you that porn pics should hold your attention in a positive way, should at least be a contributing factor in turning you on, rather than be a big turn off. They’re there to whet your appetite, not to make you lose it. So here I am writing a guide for good porn (pics).

First of all, sexual organs, dicks & pussies, are decidedly unsexy (this post should come with a caveat for family unfriendly language haha). They rarely look good on camera. Which is why a combination of Brazilian waxing, makeup, photoshop and video graphics are vital when taking and publishing porn pics online. The angle of taking the picture, the lighting, the mood (hehe) all have to contribute in making everything as attractive as inhumanly-possible. Same goes for the supporting body parts, thighs, arms, faces etc. Waxing. Make up. Photoshop. Video enhancing graphics. Surgically enhance body parts if necessary. For everyone who will appear in the picture/video. This leads me to the second tip of the guide.

The camera and lighting is everything. When the subject is coated in enough make up, under a very good camera, anyone can create that fantasy image popular in porn. Don’t take photos with your Nokia Asha and upload them unedited. If you’re going to be Kenya’s number porn star, please put some effort into it. I see it with our “socialities”, for example see Huddah’s latest hoodie photos. Get a good camera, those with lenses you can replace. Then get a good set of lights. I am not a good photographer, I am not even a poor photographer; but these are the basics, everybody knows it. You cannot make a porno without investing in a good camera, a set of lights and those reflector things. Fine, let’s say you have a high end phone, like my current phone with 13MP (but do I say). In good natural lighting, it can take some very nice pics. There might come (sic) a moment when you don’t have your camera and have to take the picture with your phone. This is where filters come in. Instagram has filters. Pixer-or-matic is another app full of good filters. Make good use of them to mask the imperfect, enhance the good features and create the fantasy. And come to think of it, you should really not be taking spontaneous pics, rather pose every moment to perfection. How else will you get people to buy your porn?

I am going to take a break here to rant a bit. Porn is fantasy. They have made things like cumming in someone’s eye(!) or anal sex (for women) attractive. I think all it does is make your asshole loose and sooner rather than later you may have to wear adult diapers. Anal is just not my thing (sorry Flo!) but I think her target audience is sex pests tourists. Someone explained to me the pleasure in anal sex for men, something about the prostrate being rubbed and you feel good. If you’re a man reading this, and have had your prostrate checked, is it true? But anyway, porn caters to people’s fantasies, be it dick-milking machines or horses or whatever. Just don’t try that shit in real life. Haha… Okay, back to my last point on this guide.

I can’t say I have watched local porn, but it exists. Luo, Kikuyu porn. In campus, there is a dude who had Kyuk porn on his flash disk but he deleted it before I could watch. Nothing as wrong as hearing sex talk in your mother tongue, but maybe that’s just me. So I am not sure if they have such a thing as concept, plot or storyline. Since porn = fantasy (I am glad we agree on this point), then create the fantasy, act out the part, and deliver. Find the perfect location, or create the backdrops and props so required. A good camera, good lighting. The storyline: school girl & teacher, MILF, best friends, etc. Of course when all is said and done, it basically gets down to the mashing of body parts together and we go back to point #1. Makeup for the bodies to be flawless, evenly toned, and very attractive.

Oh, Kenyans reported the original Florence Wambui account and it got suspended, but she resurfaced with another account, just search the name you may find it on twitter. She wants to be president in 2017, I guess following in the footsteps of Kingwa Kamencu, who released some nudes recently. I think I have surpassed the word count limit, let me stop here.