This post is fucking hilarious. I had
to say it, upfront. I'm itching to let you get on with it, but
before you do I must introduce my most illustrious guest. Ladies and
gentlemen, meet Ms Savvy, recent inhabitant of the comments section
here in our little corner of the interwebs. She's a blogger of many
years (Savvy Kenya),
hell, she's pretty much blog royalty in my book. She's a techie,
mother, AFC fan, writer, new car owner (just saying)... Have I left
anything out? Ah yes, she's off to Japan in a few days to get
herself a second MSc in Artificial Intelligence and such like,
because one MSc is just never enough, is it? She's sharp, is all I'm
saying, in both mind and wit. And she has a wee fondness for our little sewer. Which brings me to this post...for real, I’m so
excited I'm clapping, while I type...my lovelies, there is nothing better than an intelligent woman who can talk smut, smart, as you shall soon discover.
As always the disclaimer. This is a
tale from the sewer and therefore it will be both rude (but only
slightly) and crude (maybe slightly more), but, and I don’t often
get to say this here, in a very good way. If you blush at the
mention of porn, you might want to leave now...
How to make (good)
pornography.
On
Sundays, Kenyans on twitter are rather idle, and there is always
something brewing. Nothing ever serious though, just trivial things
blown out of proportion for the entertainment of us, idle tweeps.
Like recently, there was talk of 37 million shillings. A chick had
turned down 37M in return for her phone number! If someone offered me
37M for my phone number, I’d even draw them a map to my shagz.
Everyone on my timeline was wondering how that was possible, they
were all fantasizing about what they could do with 37M if they got
it. Sadly, nothing imaginative though, beyond buying land and maybe
some ugly Range Rover (I am seriously digressing, Alex-style, but
hear me out). I am always curious and rarely jump into discussions
without knowing their origins. I found the original tweet and it went
like, “A dude last night was trying to impress me into giving him
my number be saying he sealed a deal of 37 million.” Now I
understand, I also wouldn’t give such a person my number! He was
probably just a broker and his cut could be 37K only. Wealthy people
don’t talk about their money. Which reminds, there was the time I thought had met a rich politician, a guy who talked about money on the very first time we met
accidentally. So much for the shopping trips to London & Paris,
nkt! Now a girl has to go and make her own money, SMH.
Back to the topic
at hand, enough of the detour. On another idle Sunday, I stumbled on
people talking about a Florence Wambui. I immediately did a search on
twitter for the name. I stumbled on the original account, describing
herself as “Kenya’s Most Famous Porn Star” and “Queen of
Anal” or something along those lines. I didn’t bother with the
tweets, they weren’t likely to be witty anyway. I started scrolling
through the pics, and my oh my! Gross & grotesque pictures of her
licking some not-so-good-looking pale dick, pictures of her getting
some dick anally (she insists you must use a condom if anal), blurry
pictures in lodgings (likely those that have different coloured
slippers), and a few pictures of her in clothes. Pictures of her with
cum on her face (how the fuck is this sexy? Sorry digressing again).
And so on, and so forth. She looks way better in clothes than
without.
So my tweet on the
topic was something like “Florence Wambui: Now I cannot unsee what
I just saw”. And Alex responded that she thought the porn pics were
of rather poor quality. I agreed 100%. Not that I am a big consumer
of porn, but I don’t have to be an expert to tell you that porn
pics should hold your attention in a positive way, should at least be
a contributing factor in turning you on, rather than be a big turn
off. They’re there to whet your appetite, not to make you lose it.
So here I am writing a guide for good porn (pics).
First of all,
sexual organs, dicks & pussies, are decidedly unsexy (this post
should come with a caveat for family unfriendly language haha). They
rarely look good on camera. Which is why a combination of Brazilian
waxing, makeup, photoshop and video graphics are vital when taking
and publishing porn pics online. The angle of taking the picture, the
lighting, the mood (hehe) all have to contribute in making everything
as attractive as inhumanly-possible. Same goes for the supporting
body parts, thighs, arms, faces etc. Waxing. Make up. Photoshop.
Video enhancing graphics. Surgically enhance body parts if necessary.
For everyone who will appear in the picture/video. This leads me to
the second tip of the guide.
The camera and
lighting is everything. When the subject is coated in enough make up,
under a very good camera, anyone can create that fantasy image
popular in porn. Don’t take photos with your Nokia Asha and upload
them unedited. If you’re going to be Kenya’s number porn star,
please put some effort into it. I see it with our “socialities”,
for example see Huddah’s latest hoodie photos.
Get a good camera, those with lenses you can replace. Then get a good
set of lights. I am not a good photographer, I am not even a poor
photographer; but these are the basics, everybody knows it. You
cannot make a porno without investing in a good camera, a set of
lights and those reflector things. Fine, let’s say you have a high
end phone, like my current phone with 13MP (but do I say). In good
natural lighting, it can take some very nice pics. There might come
(sic) a moment when you don’t have your camera and have to take the
picture with your phone. This is where filters come in. Instagram has
filters. Pixer-or-matic is another app full of good filters. Make
good use of them to mask the imperfect, enhance the good features and
create the fantasy. And come to think of it, you should really not be
taking spontaneous pics, rather pose every moment to perfection. How
else will you get people to buy your porn?
I am going to take
a break here to rant a bit. Porn is fantasy. They have made things
like cumming in someone’s eye(!) or anal sex (for women)
attractive. I think all it does is make your asshole loose and sooner
rather than later you may have to wear adult diapers. Anal is just
not my thing (sorry Flo!) but I think her target audience is sex
pests tourists. Someone explained to me the pleasure in anal sex for
men, something about the prostrate being rubbed and you feel good. If
you’re a man reading this, and have had your prostrate checked, is
it true? But anyway, porn caters to people’s fantasies, be it
dick-milking machines or horses or whatever. Just don’t try that
shit in real life. Haha… Okay, back to my last point on this guide.
I can’t say I
have watched local porn, but it exists. Luo, Kikuyu porn. In campus,
there is a dude who had Kyuk porn on his flash disk but he deleted it
before I could watch. Nothing as wrong as hearing sex talk in your
mother tongue, but maybe that’s just me. So I am not sure if they
have such a thing as concept, plot or storyline. Since porn = fantasy
(I am glad we agree on this point), then create the fantasy, act out
the part, and deliver. Find the perfect location, or create the
backdrops and props so required. A good camera, good lighting. The
storyline: school girl & teacher, MILF, best friends, etc. Of
course when all is said and done, it basically gets down to the
mashing of body parts together and we go back to point #1. Makeup for
the bodies to be flawless, evenly toned, and very attractive.
Oh, Kenyans
reported the original Florence Wambui account and it got suspended,
but she resurfaced with another account, just search the name you may
find it on twitter. She wants to be president in 2017, I guess
following in the footsteps of Kingwa Kamencu, who released some nudes
recently. I think I have surpassed the word count limit, let me stop
here.
