1. Because a naked man in all his glory (all however many inches of him, take that as you may) is something we don’t get to see very often.
Don’t laugh, this is actually a serious point I’m making. If you look around you can’t help but notice the large amounts of bare skin being thrown in our faces, all day long. If its not the billboard with the seemingly naked woman in the shower, then it’s the barely clad video vixens gyrating in bikinis, or the lingerie clad heroine in your favourite soap, or the news anchor in the tightest skirt this side of K-Street (not skin, but if was any tighter it would be, no?). Look around ladies, they are pushing sex at us every which way you look, but its not the sex we need to be looking at. If it wasn’t for porn, the only way we’d get to see a man’s glory, or lack thereof, is if we shag said man, and that’s not always a very attractive, or advisable, proposition. Go and look at the men in those porn shots, no really, look at them… there’s big ones and small ones, skinny ones and thick ones, straight ones and bent ones, they come in all shapes and sizes. Think of it as consumer research, to make an informed decision you need to know what’s out there. Kuangalia ni bure, and at least this way when you see him for the first time your reaction won’t be, “What the hell is that?”
2. Because sex is not that soft-focus, wind blowing through the curtains, candles all over the place, PG13 nonsense you see in romantic comedies, complete with L-shaped sheets covering all the awkward bits.
Sex is awkward, and messy, and sometimes downright hilarious. Yes, you have to get completely naked (or not, depending, but that’s a story for another day), and no, real sheets do not miraculously wrap themselves around you when you get up. If you’re harbouring visions of being laid down on a bed of petals and gently ravished as the sun sets into the sea, my friend you will be waiting a long, long time. Watch porn if only for the simple reason that it is as close to a realistic portrayal of the act as you will probably ever see on screen, minus the strange moaning, and the whole orgy thing (normally people don’t decide to shag simultaneously in one room, at least not where I come from). Watching porn is the sexual equivalent of taking off your rose-tinted glasses and seeing it for what really is. And if you still think porn is disgusting, you might want to stick a mirror next to your bed the next time you get busy. See those two people humping away like they’re on Big Cat Diary? That’s you sweetheart, see how good you look?
3. Because you’ll never know how far you can go, or want to go, until you see someone else try.
Fantasy is wonderful thing, but for some of us more reserved types some fantasies should perhaps remain just that, no? That’s where porn comes in. You secretly wonder what it would be like to have a threesome with your man and your best friend? Option 1 is to go ahead and do it, taking the chance that it may work out somewhat differently than you anticipated (she may end up in your bed more often, maybe even when you’re not there, no? I’m just saying, shit happens…). Option 2 is to watch some (often poorly scripted and badly acted) porn and get that itch out of your system. Now apply that same example to your darker fantasies, say BDSM … see what I’m saying? Some things may be best left in your head and in/on/around someone else’s body.
4. Because a naked woman in all her glory is a beautiful thing. I’m talking about you, not the random stranger on the screen.
The feminists like to get all hot and bothered about porn, talking about unrealistic body image and what not, and while I agree with them that the media keeps putting out an image that’s alien to most women, I’m not so sure this argument extends to porn, at least not all of it. The Playboy and Hustler type magazines of this world have wonderfully airbrushed pictures of stunning women (a little too thin for my taste, but what do I know? No, I’m not a lesbian, at least not the last time I checked…), but random video/internet porn? Those women have asses so big you can see them from the kitchen, boobs so magnificent she could feed the world, but they also have stretch marks, cellulite, love handles and saggy bits all over the place, frankly the only thing ‘perfect’ on her is her make up, and even then, not so much. And you know what these women are doing with their not regulation-sized bodies? They are working it with no inhibitions whatsoever, and their audience is very appreciative for it. You’re hot, really, and porn will prove it to you.
5. Because there’s a different type of porn for everyone.
Its not all cheesy music and moustachioed men in socks, there’s more, loads more, ranging from soft core romance with a fumble or two every so often, to ultra hard core twisted shit involving strange things being done to pineapples. Hell, I’ve watched kung-fu porn (very acrobatic, had the walking-on-trees stunts and everything, I’m not lying). Ladies, there’s even some made specifically for women, which basically means it has a bit more of a storyline and a bit less of the hairy men, and their hairy parts. If you don’t want to watch, then go read instead, there’s erotica out there, some of it very well written (email me and I’ll send you the links). The point to porn is that you get to explore your fantasies, so go on, explore. Assuming that you are over 25 (we’re not young ones here, are we?) and therefore of some maturity, I assure you, you will not get hooked, or end up a serial killer. Really. If you do, however, don’t quote me, I will deny all knowledge.
6. Because it will scare him shitless when you do.
It keeps being thrown in your face right? “You need to go learn stuff…” he says. Truth is, you won’t learn anything from porn that you can’t learn from a half decent sex-ed book, porn is too stage managed and artificial to be of much use as a learning tool. But, and this is the good bit, you get to hold him to his own (allegedly) high standards. He wants you to shag him like a porn star? Throw it right back at him. There shall be no more 10 minute encounters, you can now demand an hour of nonstop action, including oral (him on you, for a change), because that’s how they do it on TV, right? Take the power back ladies…