So for the last couple of months it’s been twice a week, a (somewhat) serious post on Wednesday evening or thereabouts, and a Sunday morning rant that more often than not is me simply blowing off some steam and giving voice to the random issues that have been bothering me. Thing is, with my work schedule being what it is, I have to revise that plan, which means that my Sunday rant will now appear during the week instead. The reason I’m telling you this is because, on average (according to the dodgy stats from google), the rants are nowhere near as popular as the rest of my nonsense. For those of you hoping for my eloquent brilliance, or lack thereof, come back Sunday morning, 10.00 am, GMT +3. For the rest of you, to quote Jeff ‘karigasha’ Koinange, “What a week! And it’s only Wednesday…”
We turned 49 last weekend and I must say that we are looking pretty damn good for someone about to hit half a century. I know, I’m usually bitching about idiot politicians and illiterate journalists, but every so often I sit back, look around and smile. For all our problems, real and imagined, we are a disgustingly beautiful nation (really, it’s disgusting how hot we are…) and don’t let anyone, including me, tell you otherwise. We keep taking a licking and we keep on kicking. Or is it the other way around? Hmmm… Ah well, that’s a story for another day, no? Today we’re celebrating our birthday and for your listening pleasure, because I like you, I give you three Reddykyulass skits off Eric Wainaina’s Sawa Sawa album, because even when “Natheeng is no ronga wakeeng…” we still find a way to laugh about it, don’t we?
This is my completely random list of ten things I love about this country of ours, because you know I love me a good list.
1. Farmers Choice Premium Pork Sausages.
This has to be number one on the list, on any list. I don’t know what illegal shit they put in these lovely little pieces of culinary genius, and I don’t want to know so don’t tell me, but they are the best thing to come out of Uplands since Bata Bullets. I have a sneaky suspicion that if it wasn’t for illegal drugs, these sausages would the single most trafficked item out of JKIA.
2. Kenyan Coffee, and Tea, and Beer (or so I'm told...).
We may not make a single malt worth a damn and our wine may taste like piss, but dammit if our coffee and tea, and beer apparently, are not the best thing ever. On the list of contraband items being smuggled, these are right below the sausages, or above if you consider that very few are willing to be stopped by a scary cop with a big dog, in a strange country where cavity searches of ‘The Africans’ is recommended screening procedure. I’m just saying…
3. Kenyan Indians.
They brought us tikka and chapos, and as if that wasn’t enough, they threw in samosas. Not uniquely Kenyan I know, but if it wasn’t for them our coffee dates would be coffee and… bread? Enough said!
4. Kenyan Men, and Matatu Drivers.
And now you’re sitting there wondering, ‘how did this crazy cow lump us together?’ Thing is, Kenyan men are the most frustrating strain of the species. Charming, attractive and funny on one hand, and erratic, greedy and devious on the other. Don’t be fooled, these buggers are ma3 drivers, in a better car, or suit. They will promise to get you where you want to go, very fast, often using (somewhat) illegal panya routes, and with utmost disregard for your comfort or safety. And then they drop you off a kilometre or two from your destination, running off to find another customer. Do you see the link now?
5. Kenyan Women.
If the men are a strain like no other, then the women are the mother of all strains. These women will use you, and abuse you, and then make you pay them for the privilege of being in their highly valuable (and delusional?) company. And then they’ll abuse you again, just. They still look good though, don’t they?
6. Sunny Bindra, Charles Onyango-Obbo , Gado and Mutuma Mathiu
These four men are the reason I spend my hard earned money buying the papers each week. In their different styles, they speak to a vision for this country that others can only point at silently, if at all. They expose our foolishness, highlight our brilliance and, best of all, remind us that for all our differences, we really are stuck together, for better or worse. I know, Bwana Obbo isn’t ours, but in my capacity as most delusional I have just granted him forced citizenship, so there!
7. Vivian Cheruiyot and Samuel Wanjiru, Paul Tergat and Tegla Lorupe, and all the other brilliant athletes we always forget to remember.
Ah Vivian … Long may she run, the little pocket dynamo she is. She is living proof that no matter what some idiot wazungus try to pull by rigging random elections, sheer brilliance cannot and will not be denied. That she can rock a pretty frock is just a bonus. And Sammy , the late and great, he’s proof that crazy, or absent, parents need not be an obstacle to success, and that you are your own worst enemy, unfortunately. Tergat and Tegla? Class acts like them are all we need to sell Brand Kenya
8. Tom Mboya Street.
This street is a law unto itself, no? If we had to locate the heartbeat of Nairobi City Haile Selassie
9. December Sunshine.
I know, the sun shines the world over, but there’s something about the first days of sunshine in December here, as we’re getting out of the November gloom, that never fails to get me smiling. The skies are blue and the grass is green, and once Jamhuri Day
10. Wazua.co.ke.
Someone pimped me out on one of their forums and in the process opened my eyes to another world, literally. They call themselves (I’m not making this up) ‘The Virtual Republic of Wazua’, and in one particular forum, spent more time than I thought possible discussing torn underwear, in detail (the bit with the C-string had me in tears, absolutely brilliant!). If that’s not Kenyan, then I don’t know what is. And just so they don’t accuse me of ignoring their (other) brilliance, this is the place to go if you’re looking for information on damn near any biashara, or if you’re stuck somewhere on what used to be North Airport Road trying to get to the Eastern Bypass (it was 2009 and ‘Wazuans’ got me to Mihango, well, almost, via a random discussion, but that’s a story for another day). Bwana ‘Jus Blazin’, I thank you, whoever you are, its not every day you get a complete stranger saying nice things about you, but I guess that’s also a Kenyan thing, yes?
I know, it’s not a very elaborate list, but that’s why there’s a comment section down below, no? Just don’t talk shit about the sausages, that will not be tolerated…
