A couple of weeks back I was snookered into writing a guest post over at Project 44, this after I went and made a loose comment on a post that had vexed me, more accurately after the comments got me spitting mad. The post went up and the reaction was, well, surprising. See, the ladies of P44 and their audience are a bit more polite than we are, which is to say the ladies don’t swear half as much as I do and their audience is not nearly as quiet as you are, so the thought of writing an entire blog post without swearing had me sweating. Really, you’d be surprised how hard it is to say, "This is complete bullshit!" without using the word shit. That said, I gathered up my skirts and (wo)manned up, and, lo and behold, it was not badly received. Well, sort of. Someone called me a steamroller. To be precise, the author of the earlier post that got me into trouble in the first place asked, “Does the steamroller approach work in the long run?”
Now I read that comment and paused, unsure of what to reply. See my focus wasn’t on the steamroller bit, I’m a bit of a pushy cow (and by a bit I mean very) so I get that a lot, although in my defence I thought I was quite charming and persuasive, but I’m a bit delusional so perhaps I may have been wrong on that one. Instead, my focus was on the second part of that phrase, ‘in the long run’. Hmmm… My first thought was, “Oh no she didn’t…” (said with a Black American accent reminiscent of Martin Lawrence
Thing is, that bloody phrase has been marinating away in the back of my mind since then. Every so often I’ll pick it up, turn it around, feeling its weight in my hand, trying to decipher its composition, then I’ll put it back on the shelf and carry on with whatever mundane task I was previously engaged in. Once in a while I look up and there it is, sitting on the shelf, beckoning. Now it’s Sunday and my head is clear, so I’m thinking its time to take a closer look.
Folks, I’m single. That’s right, I don’t have a man. I’ve been in a couple of relationships, but not too many, definitely not enough to classify myself as a relationship expert, that I leave to the idiots in the Saturday papers. That said, I like to think I know a little something about something, and while I have a great many opinions, I will be the first person to admit to not having all the answers. I do have a few though. Granted, said few may be borderline rubbish, but the fact that I can admit that too is proof that I am still willing to learn, and learn I shall. What I resent is the idea that because I’m not in a relationship I don’t get to have an opinion about what makes relationships work. Eh? Now let me just clarify, this is not just about the one comment on that post, this is about life in general. Its shocking the number of times some idiot has turned to me and sneered, “Lakini you…you don’t even have a man…” and this because I had the temerity (gasp!) to point out some obvious fact like, ‘if you’re cheating on your girlfriend with her best friend it will end badly,’ or ‘you don’t think that man realises you’re using him for rent money?’ Keep in mind that said sneering idiots aren’t even always strangers, in one memorable incident a (formerly) close pal turned to me and spat, “What the fuck are you talking about? You can’t even keep a man!” What the fuck? I’d think that they’d be happy to hear my ‘single’ thoughts, who better to help them avoid the same ‘disaster’, no? The way I figure, if there’s a flood coming, I don’t want to hear from the idiot who lives on the mountain-top, I’m going to be listening to the bugger from Budalangi. Well, maybe not Budalangi, but you get my point, yes?
Folks, I’m single. That’s right, I don’t have a man. I’ve been in a couple of relationships, but not too many, definitely not enough to classify myself as a relationship expert, that I leave to the idiots in the Saturday papers. That said, I like to think I know a little something about something, and while I have a great many opinions, I will be the first person to admit to not having all the answers. I do have a few though. Granted, said few may be borderline rubbish, but the fact that I can admit that too is proof that I am still willing to learn, and learn I shall. What I resent is the idea that because I’m not in a relationship I don’t get to have an opinion about what makes relationships work. Eh? Now let me just clarify, this is not just about the one comment on that post, this is about life in general. Its shocking the number of times some idiot has turned to me and sneered, “Lakini you…you don’t even have a man…” and this because I had the temerity (gasp!) to point out some obvious fact like, ‘if you’re cheating on your girlfriend with her best friend it will end badly,’ or ‘you don’t think that man realises you’re using him for rent money?’ Keep in mind that said sneering idiots aren’t even always strangers, in one memorable incident a (formerly) close pal turned to me and spat, “What the fuck are you talking about? You can’t even keep a man!” What the fuck? I’d think that they’d be happy to hear my ‘single’ thoughts, who better to help them avoid the same ‘disaster’, no? The way I figure, if there’s a flood coming, I don’t want to hear from the idiot who lives on the mountain-top, I’m going to be listening to the bugger from Budalangi. Well, maybe not Budalangi, but you get my point, yes?
I’m not trying to give you advice and such like nonsense, I’m just telling you what I think, in the hopes that perhaps someone will think the same way and make me feel less like an outsider, or that someone will patiently show me the flaw in my (often not so) brilliant thinking and in so doing bring me back into the fold. Wait, that’s not entirely accurate. I have on occasion imparted the odd piece of advice, but only because in my head I’m sharing knowledge, often knowledge recently acquired, possibly from dodgy sources so you may want to filter it accordingly. I do not claim to have all the answers, just the opposite in fact. The reason there’s a comment section at the bottom is not because I’m fishing for compliments (although I usually am), I want, nay, I crave conversation, I want to talk about shit, I’m looking for a second opinion, and a third. I don’t mind a divergent opinion, but I draw the line at pissy comments. I figure if I can take the time to construct a (possibly flawed) argument, then you can take the time to destroy it, preferably in coherent english, without the use of nonsense metaphors. That last bit about nonsense metaphors, that was a bit mean, no? That’s what a pissy comment is, unnecessary bile that only serves to show your own inadequacies. The steamroller comment? That was pissy, it may have been well earned, but it was still pissy.
Because I have such a short fuse, and have a long history of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, I’ve learnt to step back from a situation before reacting. You know that fluffy phrase, there’s two sides to everything? These days when someone says something to me that bothers me, I look at where they’re coming from, hence their motivation, and where my head is at, hence my reaction. Sometimes I’ve found that some of the nonsense that’s pissing me off has nothing to do with me, the other person is just having a shit day or something. Other times it has everything to do with me, they’re reacting to something I said or did that pissed them off, sometimes unintentionally. And other times, my own personal issues are colouring my judgement, making me react to nothing with something, such as today.
Because I have such a short fuse, and have a long history of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, I’ve learnt to step back from a situation before reacting. You know that fluffy phrase, there’s two sides to everything? These days when someone says something to me that bothers me, I look at where they’re coming from, hence their motivation, and where my head is at, hence my reaction. Sometimes I’ve found that some of the nonsense that’s pissing me off has nothing to do with me, the other person is just having a shit day or something. Other times it has everything to do with me, they’re reacting to something I said or did that pissed them off, sometimes unintentionally. And other times, my own personal issues are colouring my judgement, making me react to nothing with something, such as today.
I mentioned my kadha issues at the beginning but I haven’t elaborated. The reason the somewhat innocuous comment touched what I didn’t know was still a raw nerve may have something to do with my relationship with that pal, M, he of the ‘can’t keep a man’ statement. Apologies were made back then, on both sides (we were in the middle of a fight when he made that crack, and while I wasn’t hitting as far below the belt myself, I was hitting), and more fights were had after that one, but his knack for fighting dirty eventually took a toll. You know those types who always go for the jugular whenever pushed? He was that type, whenever we’d disagree, his first instinct was always to shut me up by saying the most hurtful thing possible, but then I’d get pissed off and counter with more hurtful things, and then he’d counter, and I’d counter again, over and over until we were both too bloodied to continue, at which point we’d take a break for a week or two and then get right back to the same nonsense. During one of these breaks, I was bitching to another pal about how shitty M would make me feel with his seemingly constant put-downs, and pal number two pointed the pattern out to me, that our fighting styles meant that only one outcome was possible, mutual destruction. Actually, what pal number two said was, “You’re both being stubborn idiots, and you’re both getting off on this shit!” That bitch slap was the wake up call I needed, after that when M would go for the jugular, I’d tell him to stop, and then I’d walk away. There are some levels of abuse (literal and metaphorical) that no one should ever have to put up with, not even from a friend. Like I said earlier, kadha issues colouring my judgement.
The point? Just because we’re anonymous strangers having a bit of a chat on the internet, that doesn’t mean that we’re no longer individuals with massive egos that get bruised, random feelings that get hurt and huge toes that can occasionally be stepped on. I love that we don’t always agree, different opinions make for stimulating conversations, but if at any point I cross the line and begin treating you with malice, or disrespect, or good old fashioned abuse (calling you a bugger, or idiot, or little shit doesn’t count, those are terms of endearment where I’m from), then I expect you’ll tell me where to go stick it, won’t you? Just don’t be pissy about it, nobody likes pissy.
Joyce and Fridah, if you’re reading this (and I’m guessing you are) and wondering why I didn’t put all this crap on yours, it’s simply because you and yours have been so lovely to me that I couldn’t bring myself to talk shit in your house. Absolutely no disrespect intended. Really. Plus I had nothing to write about today, figured why not make margarita out of that lemon, no?
The point? Just because we’re anonymous strangers having a bit of a chat on the internet, that doesn’t mean that we’re no longer individuals with massive egos that get bruised, random feelings that get hurt and huge toes that can occasionally be stepped on. I love that we don’t always agree, different opinions make for stimulating conversations, but if at any point I cross the line and begin treating you with malice, or disrespect, or good old fashioned abuse (calling you a bugger, or idiot, or little shit doesn’t count, those are terms of endearment where I’m from), then I expect you’ll tell me where to go stick it, won’t you? Just don’t be pissy about it, nobody likes pissy.
Joyce and Fridah, if you’re reading this (and I’m guessing you are) and wondering why I didn’t put all this crap on yours, it’s simply because you and yours have been so lovely to me that I couldn’t bring myself to talk shit in your house. Absolutely no disrespect intended. Really. Plus I had nothing to write about today, figured why not make margarita out of that lemon, no?
