Day 4: I CAN make you love me, if...

I knew if I waited long enough, and prayed to my gods hard enough, that one day someone would figure out how to make a man (or a woman, who knows?) fall in love with me. I knew this day would come, and it finally did. Strictly speaking, that day came 20 years ago, but let's not split hairs. It's official people, a couple of questions and four minutes of gazing into someone's eyes is all you need. Can I get an amen?!

As tempting as it is to use Foreigner as today's soundtrack, I shall curb my fondness for 80's pop ballads and use a 60's soul classic instead. Granted, I'm using the cover done in 1982, but it's not a ballad so...

I need love, love, ooh, to ease my mind
And I need to find time
Someone to call mine

My mama said...

Back in 1997, a couple of scientists conducted a study on close relationships, not specifically on romantic relationships, eventually creating a set of 36 questions that, when asked in sequence, create closeness between the respondents. Simply put, the questions help in bonding. Dr Aron explains (36 Questions for Intimacy, Back Story):

The basis of the 36 questions is that back-and-forth self-disclosure, that increases gradually (not too fast), is consistently linked with coming to like the other person you do this with. We just made it a systematic method that could be used in the lab. In more recent research by Harry Reis and colleagues, another factor is also proving very important - being responsive to the other's self-disclosure! These factors are important for both starting a relationship, and even more important, for its continued quality.

She then goes further to explain that this is not a recipe for love...

We had not created the 36 questions to help you fall in love. To do a good job of that we would have needed to do a study with people who, above all, came into it really wanting to fall in love, and we were not in that business!

The reason for that disclaimer is this article, causing a great deal of buzz the past two weeks, To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This, in which the author describes trying out this experiment, albeit in a more casual setting, and falling in love.

I first read about the study when I was in the midst of a breakup. Each time I thought of leaving, my heart overruled my brain. I felt stuck. So, like a good academic, I turned to science, hoping there was a way to love smarter.

You can see how I got hooked by this article, no?

I explained the study to my university acquaintance. A heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors. They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions. Then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes. The most tantalizing detail: Six months later, two participants were married. They invited the entire lab to the ceremony. “Let’s try it,” he said.

You're loving the science too now, aren’t you? But wait...

Let me acknowledge the ways our experiment already fails to line up with the study. First, we were in a bar, not a lab. Second, we weren’t strangers. Not only that, but I see now that one neither suggests nor agrees to try an experiment designed to create romantic love if one isn’t open to this happening.

And so it came to pass that 36 questions later, plus the recommended four minutes of staring into each other's eyes, the happy couple was suitably enamoured with each other and are now in love. Aaaaawwww...

Now, the romantic in me was slightly wet of eye at the end of that article. The cynic, however, she that writes this blog, she was having none of it. '36 whatnow?' she scoffed. I went off in search of the questions, and the original study, convinced it was all a load of guff. Not so much as it turns out.

The questions are grouped into three sets of 12 questions each, of slowly increasing depth, starting off with a simple, 1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?, graduating to 13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?, with the last set starting off with, 25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ...” By the time you're on the last question, 36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen., you've pretty much gone past most of the boundaries you normally maintain when you meet someone new. The idea behind this is quite simple, the mutual self disclosure creates a feeling of intimacy between you. Incidentally, I can't find any reference to the eye gazing in the original study, but I skimmed through most of the methodology, so perhaps it's in there somewhere (shakes head vehemently). I'm leaving that bit out, it sounds a little creepy, even for me who loves to stare at people.

Question is, does this intimacy created by the question and answer sequence lead to attraction, or does the attraction need to be there from the beginning? Put differently, can you ask someone you like these 36 questions and get them to like you back? Come now, that's all we really want to know, isn’t it? The short answer. Perhaps. What's important is both parties have to willing to open up for this exercise to work, which then means you can't ambush that guy you've been stalking with a bloody questionnaire and expect the magic to happen. That said, assuming both parties are genuine and don't hold back, then, voilà! You'll fall in love like the author of that lovely tale, or, as was originally intended, you become friends. 

 The scientists issued a disclaimer at the end of their paper:

So are we producing real closeness? Yes and no. We think that the closeness produced in these studies is experienced as similar in many important ways to felt closeness in naturally occurring relationships that develop over time. On the other hand, it seems unlikely that the procedure produces loyalty, dependence, commitment, or other relationship aspects that might take longer to develop.

You can't sue them if it doesn’t work. Now you know.

You can't hurry love

No, you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
But it's a game of give and take

You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
Just trust in a good time
No matter how long it takes...

Can you make someone fall in love with you? 

 From the NYT article:

Most of us think about love as something that happens to us. We fall. We get crushed.

But what I like about this study is how it assumes that love is an action. It assumes that what matters to my partner matters to me because we have at least three things in common, because we have close relationships with our mothers, and because he let me look at him.

I wondered what would come of our interaction. If nothing else, I thought it would make a good story. But I see now that the story isn’t about us; it’s about what it means to bother to know someone, which is really a story about what it means to be known.

It’s true you can’t choose who loves you, although I’ve spent years hoping otherwise, and you can’t create romantic feelings based on convenience alone. Science tells us biology matters; our pheromones and hormones do a lot of work behind the scenes.

But despite all this, I’ve begun to think love is a more pliable thing than we make it out to be. Arthur Aron’s study taught me that it’s possible — simple, even — to generate trust and intimacy, the feelings love needs to thrive.

Ms Catron seems to think so. 

I’m inclined to agree.

Don’t look so surprised.

What they describe here is not too different from what you experience during online dating, or a holiday fling cum love affair, or a long evening with good company. That intense rush you get from getting to know someone very well, very quickly, this is what its all about, see? This is why, she wags her finger, meeting strangers on the internet is so bloody dangerous, its an experiment! Wait, no, sorry, that's my conspiracy theory gear kicking in. Ignore that bit. Seriously though, internet dating, much like all dating, is basically one long questionnaire. You start off on favourite colours and before you know it you're talking about your pet dog Simba who was run over by your father that evening he came home drunk, and all this in a matter of hours. It's the Aron experiment, on computer. Same thing happens when you have a mind fuck night, talking into the wee hours with a (former) stranger about anything and everything. The questions themselves are not the point of this exercise, what matters is the order in which these, or any other questions are asked.

Dr Aron explains:

...please know that those 36 are only suggestions. If you are going to use this approach with more than one person, or more than once with a particular partner, you may need to make up new questions so your answers don't become rote. Whatever questions you use, they should gradually escalate in personalness. If you don't want to rewrite them, you could use every third or fourth from the list of 36, one or a few from each of the three sections, but always include the ones that build the particular relationship, such as the three things you both have in common.

What she's describing is exactly what we do when dating. We ask questions to find out about the other person, the questions getting more intimate as we open up more to each other, and the questions tend to focus on finding commonalities. All this experiment does is expedite the matter, says the non-scientist with a degree in google. It also explains why we bond closely with people who, a. ask us about ourselves, b. listen to what we tell them, and c. tell us about themselves in return.

No, I can't bear to live my life alone
I grow impatient for a love to call my own
But when I feel that I, I can't go on
Well, these precious words keep me hanging on, I remember mama said...

You can't hurry love...

Bottom line.  Dear Phil Collins, mama lied.  Love can in fact be hurried along.

Line after the bottom line.  Yes, I can make you love me, if, and only if you want me to.

Line after the line after the bottom line. I've been right all along, you foolish buggers, asking questions is the secret to love and happiness. If only you could hear me laugh my evil laugh right now... For the record, I am going to milk this story the entire year. Don’t look at me like that, this is manna from heaven, no? Exactly. I'm thinking a new Dr A series...

You're still not sure about him, are you?

So you have the man, and it looks like he plans on sticking around for a minute, or two, but you're still not sure in what capacity he intends on doing so, right?  Men can be shifty like that, managing somehow to be both in and out of a relationship, at the same time.  You're probably sitting there wondering if the man is planning on giving you a key to his digs, or his ATM password, or if he's still wandering around out there looking for Ms Right, now that he's found Ms Right Now. You want to ask him, but you don’t want to scare him away with your neediness, right?  Right?  Don’t bother being shy, round here shy only earns you evil looks, and the odd nkt!  You don’t want to scare him away, God forbid you become like his ex who demanded a wedding ring after three weeks.

That's where I come in.  I'mma gon' tell you whatcha need to be doin'...  (Sorry, been watching stand up, now I'm speaking in ebonics every so often, sounding like Chenehneh and shit.)  Because I clearly know everything about relationships, I am now going to share with you the wisdom I have carefully distilled from years of being single.  If you do not see the irony in that statement, stop reading right now, you are way too serious.

The 2013 Kai Ni Kii? Guide To Finally Getting A Man (Funky Soundtrack Included).

BOOK 3: ARE YOU HIS BABY (read, baibee...), OR HIS BABY MAMA (current or future), OR HIS MAMA (as in woman, not mother, or perhaps both, depending)?

Thanks to the brilliance of Book 2, you now have a man who is feeling you, only now you want to know how much he's feeling you, because us women are never content unless we know exactly, and I do mean exactly, how the man feels.  Now you could make like an idiot (read, me) and ask him a bunch of questions he won't answer, or worse still, he answers with cruel honesty.  Alternatively, you could take the smarter route, and use my questionnaire.  Yes, I've created a questionnaire, and yes, you will thank me when you are done.  Or not, depending, but if you're unhappy just keep in mind that this brilliance is free (if you want quality advice you shouldn’t be looking for it on a bandia blog written by a crazy woman with no filter. Just saying...).

ARE YOU HIS BABY?

I said you wanna be startin' somethin'
You got to be startin' somethin'
It's too high to get over (yeah, yeah)
Too low to get under (yeah, yeah)
You're stuck in the middle (yeah, yeah)
And the pain is thunder (yeah, yeah)

1. Does he often call you after 9 pm?

a. yes

b. no

c. only when he's been drinking

d. he never calls me

2. Does he often call you baby?

a. yes

b. no

c. only when he's been drinking

d. he never calls me anything

3. Do you mind that he calls you baby?

a. no

b. yes

c. only when I'm sober

d. he never calls me anything

4. Do you still need me to tell you the obvious?

a. yes

b. no, dammit

c. what's obvious?

d. what are you trying to say?

Now if you answered a. to all, then you my dear are his baby.  Wake up and smell the coffee, he does NOT know your name.  You are that girl he calls when he needs whatever he needs, and odds are you are one of what I suspect are many.  'Baibee' is not a term of affection, its a random term used to refer to the girl whose name he can't be bothered to remember, sometimes interchanged with 'Mrembo', or 'Shoree'.  Please note that this rule does not apply to 'Babe' (as in, babe in the woods, another way of saying 'Hun'), that's a term of affection, kinda, which is a fancy way of saying that you are no longer random.  You may not be as close as you think, but you're not random.  Woohoo! for you.

For the rest of you, if you answered mostly b. then you're clearly not his baby, and you're way too clear-headed to be reading this nonsense.  If you're a c. kinda girl, you're either his booty call and you're in denial, or you're his booty call and you're too drunk to realise.  If you answered d. to any, you are a stalker, and perhaps delusional.

ARE YOU HIS BABY MAMA?

If you can't feed your baby (yeah, yeah)
Then don't have a baby (yeah, yeah)
And don't think maybe (yeah, yeah)
If you can't feed your baby (yeah, yeah)
You'll be always tryin'

To stop that child from cryin'
Hustlin', stealin', lyin'
Now baby's slowly dyin'

1. Are you having unprotected sex with the man?

a. yes

b. no

c. only when he's been drinking

d. we never have sex

2. Is that his decision or yours?

a. his

b. mine

c. both

3. Are you currently with child as a result of said sex?

a. yes

b. no

c. perhaps, I’m waiting to find out

4. Is he aware of said child?

a. yes

b. no

c. define aware

5. Is he happy about said child?

a. yes

b. no

c. define happy

When you hit a certain age, you quickly realise that protection is one of those calculated risks one takes in life.  Disease versus pregnancy, pregnancy now versus pregnancy later, emergency contraception versus plain ol' protection, implant versus pill?  Decisions, decisions...  Thing is, if there is unprotected sex being had, then the risk of possible babies (and/or death) has been calculated and accepted, hopefully by both of you, and therefore you are either his current/future baby mama, or you have no issues with abortion/morning-after contraception, or you're both too drunk to know better.  Don’t try to deny this, he may not have thought that far ahead, but you definitely have.

As to whether being his baby mama is a good thing or not, who the fuck knows?  I'm the idiot who's averse to children.  Hell, I only put it in because it made the sentence work better.  Baby...baby mama...mama.  See?  Stop frowning, it's free brilliance, remember?

ARE YOU HIS MAMA?

1. Have you met his friends?

a. yes

b. no

c. I've seen them from afar

2. Have you met his family?

a. yes

b. no

c. I've seen them from afar

3. Has he ever introduced you as anything other than 'a friend'?

a. yes

b. no

c. introduced?

If you answered c. you are a most persistent stalker.  You need therapy.  If you've picked b. anywhere, pole sana, it's not looking too good for you right now, but on the up side, it's early enough that you can still turn things around.  I'm lying, by the way, that ship has sailed, but I figure I don’t have to spell it out to you, being that you're smart enough to answer a questionnaire and everything.  I could be wrong though, I usually am.

Lift your head up high

And scream out to the world
I know I am someone

And let the truth unfurl
No one can hurt you now

Because you know what's true
Yes, I believe in me

So you believe in you
Help me sing it...

And if you answered a.'s, bite me, you bloody cow.  You already know you're his woman, you just wanted to show off, didn’t you?

ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma ku sa...

ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma ku sa...

I refuse to tell you about this song, because we must have some basic standards here, no?  Probably not.   

So you found a man, now what?

You went out and identified a man who you think might just be the right man for you.  Good for you. Problem is, now you have to figure out what to do with bastard, no?   No?   What, kwani you buggers know what to do with a random man when you angukia him?   Be honest...  Thought so.  These men they are confusing, just when you think it’s all good, they turn around and start acting like twats.  But not to worry, that’s what Dr A is for.  I am going to make like a bullshit expert and tell you how to move your newly acknowledged infatuation from ’Could it be?’ to ’Yeah...perhaps...no!’

The 2013 Kai Ni Kii? Guide To Finally Getting A Man (Funky Soundtrack Included).

BOOK 2: HOW TO TELL IF A GUY IS FEELING YOUR ASS, OR ONLY WANTS TO FEEL YOUR ASS, OR PERHAPS FEELS YOU SHOULD WALK YOUR ASS AWAY.

Because Book 1 proved so useful... 

What?  Si you have a man now?  Granted, you don’t know what to do with him, but that’s how I get to make money off your ignorant behind, with Book 2, see?  Good plan, no?  No?  You’re reading, aren’t you?  Insert my evil laughter here...

As I was saying, thanks to Book 1, you identified a man who really likes you.  Well woohoo! for you, you are one step closer to your happily ever after.  But wait, before you go out and buy your fluffy white dress, slow your roll for a minute and ask yourself, is the man looking to keep you, or just borrow you, or maybe give you away to someone else?  That’s right, after the giddy optimism of the initial heady days of electricity and unrequited (or perhaps requited) chemistry, all those lovely infatuated moments we love to get excited over, now comes the hard part, the harsh reality.  Once your hormones die down and your dopamine levels return to acceptable levels, you have the unenviable decision to make.  Should I stay or should I go?

THE TEST
Now because no self help on the internet is complete without a mindless test, let’s have one, shall we?  Listen to the three MJ tracks on the soundtrack (at the bottom of your screen, that thingi written THE SOUNDTRACK, click to play) and then answer the following:

1. Which of the three songs made you think about said man (or woman, because I know you buggers are playing along)?

a. 1
b. 2
c. 3

d. EH?

2. When you thought of him, did you?

a. SMILE, GOOFILY
b. SMILE, WISTFULLY
c. FROWN
d. GROWL
e. GROWL, IN A GOOD WAY
f. EH?

3. Now which of the three songs do you think he would use to describe you?

a. 1
b. 2
c. 3

d. EH?

4. The real answer this time, not the one you like?

a. 1
b. 2
c. 3

d. EH?

5. Last question, and I need you to think long and hard about this one. Isn’t the second song a bloody classic?

a. YES
b. HELL YES!
c. EH?

THE RESULTS

If you answered anything but b) to the last question, get out of my house, you ignorant philistine.  And if you answered EH?, leave too, because you can’t be bothered to play my tunes.  That’s why you don’t know what’s going on, bloody cheapass!

You want the other results, don’t you, because you think I may actually have some insight to offer?  Say it with me...really?  You just answered your own niggling questions, my lovelies, but because you need someone to tell you what you already know, you continue to give your money to a bunch of idiots who claim to have all the answers.  Ahem.  I will proceed.

1. Does he want you to move your ass the fuck on?

If at any point you picked the first song, ’Billie Jean’, my friend, the writing is on the wall.  Not only is your new found relationship on its death bead, the priest is standing over its rapidly cooling body smearing olive oil on its poor forehead.  Let it go, accept and move on.  Don’t even try and tell me sijui it has a funky beat, I gave you options.

I know (and you know I know this one only too well), this is a hard one to accept, because odds are you’re hoping he feels, how do you say, different.  In his defence though, it’s possible that he realised that it wasn’t going to work out only after he got to know you better, and found out that you have the unfortunate habit of picking your nose in public, and now he’s trying to figure out how best to bump you off.   Odds are he has taken to ignoring your phone calls, and texts, and generally being unavailable. Sound familiar?  You, my dear, are his Billie Jean.  Leave now while you still have some pride left, before you get to my CSW levels of desperation (creepy stalker woman, by the way, not commercial sex worker, although desperate times do call for desperate measures, no?  Perhaps not.).

For forty days and forty nights,
The law was on her side,
But who can stand when she’s in demand,
Her schemes and plans,
Cause we danced on the floor in the round,
So take my strong advice,
Just remember to always think twice...

Yes, it’s disappointing, but tell me you haven’t met a guy and realised he wasn’t quite what you were expecting, a month or two down the line?  You do it too, often I’m guessing.  Well, shoe’s on the other foot, so get over it, and get over yourself, and move on with your fine self.  More fish in the sea and what not.

2. Does he want to feel your ass, and not much else?

Love is a feeling,
Give it when I want it,
’Cause I’m on fire,
Quench my desire,
Give it when I want it,
Talk to me woman,
Give in to me...

If you picked ’Give In To Me’ (for ye stubborn buggers who still haven’t played the tunes, that would be the second track), especially in reply to number 1, then yours is lust.  Good growling lust, because you must have growled, in a good way, no?  The good news is, if you picked the same song for him in number 4, then you’re both horny little bastards.  Enjoy your blissfully carnal relationship.  At least until one of you gets bored and moves on in search of a new high.  I’m just saying...

If, however, this song was picked only once, then you might have a bit of a problem, because you two are not on the same page.  If you think this song describes how he feels for you, then you already know that he’s looking for a little sumthin’ sumthin’.  Yes, he may also be looking for love and happiness, all that good stuff, but if he was then you’d probably have picked the third song.  Come now, no one who wants more than sex readily admits to the object of their affection not wanting more as well, we are nothing if not delusional, no?  Unfortunately for us, if it walks like a duck, and it talks like a duck, my lovely, odds are it will fuck like a bloody duck (unless it’s a brightly coloured chicken masquerading as a duck, in which case...you’re a bit fucked, possibly over. Ah well...).  What should you do?  Well, you can hold out long enough for him to get tired of waiting and bugger off in search of an easier target.  Or perhaps he’ll relent and give you the deep and meaningful relationship you want, sans the sex he wants.  Then again, he might relent, and all the while keep getting what he wants from another, but at least you won’t be the one getting screwed.

I am so bad at this motivation crap, it’s a miracle I haven’t been sued yet...

The moral of the song is this.  If he’s growling lustily and you’re dancing through the proverbial flowers, Disney fantasy in mind, then do the safe thing and walk on by, you’ll live to prance another day.  Put differently, a single swallow doth not a summer make, so don’t go thinking if you shag him he’ll be more inclined to stick around. He won’t.

3. Is he feeling you?

The reason this comes last is because it’s a process of elimination, think Ockham’s razor, but with a slightly blunt razor (hence my possibly flawed logic).  Assuming that you’ve decided that the man isn’t trying to exit stage right, and he’s not just interested in your honey, honey, then you have no choice but to conclude that he’s interested in you, all of you, not just your woman bits.  Hence the song, ’I Just Can’t Stop Loving You’, a syrupy ballad if ever I heard one.  Hang on, not so fast.  Don’t start tripping fantastic yet, just because MJ likes to wax lyrical about love, that doesn’t mean you should, the man was not sane, and apparently he was high on expensive shit too (explains the genius bit though).  Feeling you does not equal love, it just means he wants more than a warm body on a cold night.  Remember, it’s early days yet.

You know how I feel,
This thing can’t go wrong,
I’m so proud to say I love you,
Your love’s got me high,
I long to get by,
This time is forever, love is the answer...

You really picked this song?  Remind me again how you ended up on my cynical blog?  I worry for you...

I’m guessing your romantic behind is not too satisfied with my simple elimination theory, yes?  Not enough drama for you?  Fine, let’s try a less scientific approach.  You could make like a creepy woman and engage in a bit of subterfuge, such as we do, stalk his facebook page, his twitter account, his home address, his work address, his bar...hell, just stalk the man, live and in person, if you feel so led.  You know, the usual.  Problem is, all that gets you is a lot of information about his drinking habits and his favourite football team, and not much else.  So he recently friended a girl with a hot picture and a stated fondness for body shots (and reading, because the hot chicks on facebook just love to read, don’t they?), that doesn’t mean he’s taking shots off her seemingly tight body, does it?  Does it?  The answer we’re looking for is no, yes?  Nod now.  Good girl.  Rather than drive yourself mad with random pieces of information, why not try the new improved Kai ni kii? approach, proven to work in most situations (not) involving normal people?  See, all you have to do is...wait for it...nothing.  Wait, don’t leave, there’s more.

Doing nothing is not as nothing as it sounds.  You simply need to sit back and watch, and listen.  If the man is feeling you, then the poor bastard can’t help himself, he’ll tell you, and show you, and then beg you if you appear unconvinced.  All you have to do is figure out what language he’s speaking, because you know he no speaka da english.  And how do you do that?  Do I even need to say it?  That’s right, wait for Book 3.

Yes, I’m laughing, and yes, it’s evil my laughter.  And yes, I do in fact have a lot of spare time on my hands, clearly.

POSTSCRIPT
The Only Relationship Book You Ever Need To Buy is definitely worth a read, and the comments are even better.

Looking for a man? This is just what you need. Or not.

I am usually the first person to admit to being a bit of a slow idiot, often missing cues, and therefore opportunities, because I’m busy looking in the wrong direction, because I tend to be clueless.  Thing is, I get hit on the head quite often, as tends to happen when your eyes are averted, by buggers I thought were harmlessly walking on by, when in reality they had intentions towards me, or my body parts.  As fate would have it, despite my best attempts to figure out just what the hell is going on, most days I still can’t figure men out.  Ah, lovely, lovely men…  You were put on this earth to make my life just that much harder, weren’t you?  That’s why we don’t speak the same language.  And why you insist on scratching your balls every so often.  The other half of the species is just plain peculiar, and not in a good way…

You can see where this is going, no?  That’s right people, I’m back on the hunt and looking for all the drama that comes with dealing with a rib-giver.  Oh joy!  Yes, I’m being sarcastic.  I’ve been down this path before, with less than sterling results to show for my efforts (see archive), but this time I’m going to be a bit smarter in my quest, and by that I mean I shall subject all my foolish ideas to rigorous vetting, via the wonderful internet (that would be you, my lovelies).  Brilliant plan, no?  It’s alright, you can say it…  No.  Ah well, when has that ever stopped me? 

The 2013 Kai Ni Kii? Guide To Finally Getting A Man (Funky Soundtrack Included). 

I trust you can tell from that most eloquent title that this will not be, a. useful, b. intelligent, or c. useful.  Consider yourself warned.  Now because this story is so very complicated, and because I must milk it for all its worth (because all you evil buggers care about is my lack of a love life), I’m going to break it down into several handy tomes.  That’s right folks, this year I’m going all series on your behinds…

BOOK 1: HOW TO TELL IF A GUY LIKES YOU, LIKE THAT.

Stop laughing, at one point or another in your dating life you have pondered this very same question, and if you tell me you haven’t then I will call you a shameless, shameless liar.  I don’t care what the married types tell me, this, the very beginning, this is the hardest part of any relationship, hands down.  Screw all that talk of learning to live with someone, finding someone you could possibly live with is much more complicated, if only because it involves stepping into the great unknown. 

Now if I was feeling generous, I’d usually proceed to go online and get you a magnificent list of things to look for, but given that I am a female of somewhat significant age, I choose to draw upon my extensive experience instead.  Having dated, or attempted to date, several troubled individuals, I have googled the peculiar mating behaviour of men enough times to make me a pseudo expert.  What?  You think the experts have more knowledge than me, ati because they’ve studied human behaviour and what not?  Ptuh!  I’m a graduate of the University of Hard Knocks, with a PhD in cheap arm-chair psychology, so there!  Ahem…  Press play and proceed.

Hey pretty baby with the high heels on,
You give me fever like I’ve never, ever known,
You’re just a product of loveliness,
I like the groove of your walk, your talk, your dress… 

1.      HOW DOES HE LOOK AT YOU?

If the object of your obsession keeps staring at you, then that’s usually a pretty good sign of interest.  Men are like children, fascinated by new, bright, shiny objects, they can’t help but stare.  Have I lied, gentlemen?

Problem is, if all he keeps staring at is your ample bosom, or bottom, then I warn you his interest may, just may, be purely physical, but not to worry, that may not be such a bad thing, depending on where your interests lie.  The men just jumped up, shouting in protest.  Yes gentlemen, I know you like to stare at women’s body parts all the time, but there’s a difference between lustfully gazing at my heaving chest, and staring into my face like you’re trying to read my mind.  As unlikely as it sounds, women can tell the difference, because unlike you buggers, we can actually read minds.  Or not (see archive).  And now every man you meet will spend hours staring into your eyes, because some idiot online (that would be me) told him that that’s what women look for.  Apologies, my brilliance does not discriminate, unfortunately.

And if the man is not looking at you, staring or otherwise, know that he doesn’t want anything from you.  No really, nothing.  Yes, there are those shy buggers who can’t look you in the eye, but they still look, only in a more stalker-esque fashion.  And yes, there are buggers who will look at you for some other reason, perhaps you’re a famous person and they recognise you, or you’re exceedingly beautiful and they can’t help themselves.  Insert hysterical laughter here…

2.      HOW DOES HE TALK TO YOU?

Now listen carefully, I’m about to reveal a closely guarded secret.  If a man talks to you, he’s just talking to you.  I know, profound, isn’t it?  Despite what the experts say, a man talking to you is no more a clue to how he feels than whether your Jupiter is ascending or descending.  Men talk, just like women talk, it’s how we communicate.  That said, if he talks to you a lot, and I mean all day, every day, then perhaps his interest in you is more than a passing cloud, but only if said talking is not part of his routine.  I’m just saying, if he’s in customer care, and you keep calling him to fix your computer, then perhaps it’s not the love you think it is.  He could also be talking to you out of the sheer pleasure of good conversation, and meanwhile your delusional self is busy picturing your happily ever after with the man.  It happens to the best of us, no?  Bottom line, talk is just talk. 

What the man says, however, well that’s a whole other ball game.  If a man likes you (like that), or lusts after you (like…wait, there’s only one way to lust, no?), he will find a way to say it, one way or another, because these buggers have the subtlety of a sledgehammer.  I’ve learnt that when a man feels the need to talk about sex with you, all the time, then he’s mostly interested in sexing you, either that or he’s a youngling who thinks talking about sex all the time is ‘cool’ (its not, by the way, and coming from my deviant behind, that’s saying something, no?).  I’ve learnt when a man goes out of his way not to talk about sex, even when you give him the opening, then the man is completely smitten, and he’s trying desperately not to scare you away.  Its either that or he has no interest in your ass, and by ass I mean ass.  Stop frowning, I know this is confusing, but I warned you this would not be useful.  Moving right along, I’ve also learnt that when a man says nothing to you, despite your best attempts at drawing him into conversation with your sexy voice and witty banter, then that bugger doesn’t know you exist, or wishes you didn’t.  

I like the feelin’ you’re givin’ me,
Just hold me baby and I’m in ecstasy,
Oh I’ll be workin’ from nine to five,
To buy you things to keep you by my side…

3.      HOW DOES HE TOUCH YOU?

It should go without saying that if there’s absolutely no touching, then there’s absolutely no interest.  Look at the prim and proper types getting all hot and bothered…  Touching here does not refer to fondling, you idiots, this is about physical comfort, and intimacy.  Despite all our claims to have evolved past our primal ancestors, at the end of the day we’re still animals, and human beings don’t let other human beings come closer unless they have been judged safe, i.e. not a threat to their existence.  Its basic instinct, allowing someone to breach our personal space is the physical equivalent of letting your guard down, and touch is simply the next step, pulling someone even closer into your orbit.  Its part curiosity (read exploration), but mostly it’s the desire to create intimacy.  Put differently, by reaching out to touch someone, we’re saying, ‘come closer’.  Now do you understand why I say no touching means no interest?

And before you go tripping fantastic because that boy you like hugged you two weeks ago, keep in mind that touch is not necessarily sexual in its intent, because if that was the case then we would all have Oedipus complexes, shagging our mothers and fathers with reckless abandon, such like nonsense.  Unfortunately, ladies, sometimes a hug is just a hug.  A hand on the small of your back, however, that’s intent, a man doesn’t put his hand there unless he’s planning on sliding it lower, eventually.    

As for which touch means what, well, I haven’t the foggiest.  Logic would dictate that the more he touches you, the more sexual his interest is, but some people are overly touchy feely, they’ll caress a stone if it looks at them nicely (you know the type, they feel the need to hold hands all the time, muchos creepy…), while some of us are averse to touching other people, because we don’t like our space being invaded, especially in public (yes, I’m slightly touch-phobic, but only because I am, was, Presbyterian).  How do you figure out his touch?  Touch him, and if he touches you back, well, touch him again.  Repeat as many times as necessary until you’re convinced.    

I’m starting to realise why my career as a therapist has never quite taken off…    

4.      DOES HE TRY TO IMPRESS YOU?

Ignore 1 through 3, this is the only one that matters.  What?  It’s not like I can have a list of one, I must make you wade through the nonsense before you strike gold, no?  This is, after all, the internet, home to all manner of useless information.  Insert evil laughter here…

Ladies, when a man meets a woman he likes, like that, he will immediately puff up his chest and go into alpha male mode (despite the fact that he may not be all that alpha to begin with).  Again, its human nature, competition for scarce resources and what not.  Back in the day, when they were roaming the badlands trying to kill antelopes with stone-tipped spears, it was survival for the fittest, he that brought home the largest animal got the most women in his cave.  These days, all evolved and shit, it’s the man who looks like he could bring home the largest animal who takes the prize, but because we live in the age of meat bought from a butchery, this no longer means the man who looks fittest.  These days, men get to prove their alpha-ness in all manner of varied, and occasionally absurd, ways, like using their wallets to woo you, or their shiny trinkets and gadgets to entice you, or their silky words to entrance you, or (if I’m lucky, and I rarely am) their big brains to lull you into submission.  Whatever it is the man thinks he has that makes him the king of the jungle, it will be put on display for the sole purpose of getting you to succumb to his will, forthwith.  

And if he isn’t putting on a show for you, and by you I mean you specifically, not the entire room?  Then my friend you are not in the running, so stop flashing your weave at him and move on, my dear, there are other fish in your sea.  Promise.  

The way you make me feel,
You really turn me on,
You knock me off of my feet,
My lonely days are gone…

The King is finally on the playlist, and because I have great shame for not having him here sooner, the man will be the soundtrack for this entire series, because who knows more about looking for love in all the wrong places than Mr Jackson?  As much as I want to write an elaborate story about what MJ’s music does to me, I think I’ll leave that to Bwana Mahe, he that loves this man more than he loves me. 

Acha-ooh!

Go on girl, 
Go on…

Hee hee! 

Ooh!

I just did the ‘flick leg, grab crotch, point to the sky’ move, because I’m old school like that… 

Are you the one, for Ms K?

Now I am a self-confessed email junkie, I like nothing better than to receive a well crafted missive from a stranger, excited by the thought of new perspectives being shared, ever hopeful for an entertaining story.  Of course, being one of only three email lovers left in the world, my inbox is more often than not idle, despite my ardent pleading with the strangers that grace these pages, every morning I check my mail, only to find…nothing.  Not even spam. 

And then I get this:

Hello Alex,

I hope you're okay.

I'll go straight to the point. I need to pimp my dating life. Outside the Mingle and internet dating, what other ideas might you have that I can try for dating normal men in Nairobi?

If you suggest dating sites, which specific ones would you recommend? I have tried that and yielded a multitude of loonies. Bars are not my ideal kind of place for a pick up and since I don't go to church either, well that's not an option for me. Most business forums I attend seem too serious and almost all the men usually have a really thick wedding ring deeply slicing through their fat fingers.

I know you could be in more or less the same dilemma yet I'm still asking. Where do we get to meet the good men in Nairobi? Have you thought of starting a dating site? Maybe it could help us.

I like your blog, it is so real, painfully so. Yet somehow, I tend to think that you may get to meet some very interesting characters (men) out of this because some of the comments I see therein are so well thought out.

Thanks for the help.

Ms K

I haven’t edited anything, all I’ve left out is the lovely lady’s name.

You know how I spend a lot of time rambling on about whatever nonsense is on my mind, sharing my often flawed theories on relationships, and all that appertains, nonsense like that?  Well, every so often someone comes along and points out the (none too small) holes in my theories.  Case in point, this email.  See I’m always talking about the many good men out here, good men we often ignore, choosing instead to chase after illusions of knights in shining armour and fairytales, but the thing is, when put to task to identify these men, I’m left at a complete loss.  I am, in fact, blowing smoke, and not the good kind, out my own ass, and then up your (collective) ass. 

See my reply:

Hi Ms K,

How are you this evening?  Good, I hope, despite the foul weather.

Now this email of yours has me a bit stumped.  I've been asking myself the exact same question the last couple of days.  Thing is, I have no idea where these men can be met.  I know a couple of good men, but they're all friends I've known for ages, all happily married/taken.  The men I've been meeting lately, on the other hand, are not good men, but then again I only get to meet new men when I go out to the bar, because that's the only place I seem to go these days (so sad...).  

I'm not helping am I?  Sorry, let me try this again.  

I've recently concluded that the best way to meet men is through your friends, a pal of your pal and such like, like The Mingle, only with people you know, preferably without alcohol involved.      

Can I use your email for the next post on Sunday?  I'd like to put this question to the masses, see if we can get ideas, possibly from men themselves.  Incidentally, the guys you read commenting are interesting chaps, but I don't know a single one of them in person, I talk to a couple of them on email, but that's it.  For all the talk you see, it’s simply that, talk, but I think it’s because they aren't interested in me, specifically.  But they do seem to be looking.  What I'm saying is that the dating site/blog idea may actually work.  Again, I want to float it to the rest of the crowd, see what the reaction is.  Many heads and what not, no?  

Regarding dating sites, I tried dating.co.ke (I think), one whose name I can't remember (it was only 2 weeks, and they were bad), metrodate and badoo.  Badoo looked interesting, but at that point I was tired and gave up, it might be worth a try.  Metro was interesting because of the format, I made some good friends on that one, crap dates though (ha!), but I have to admit, I probably didn't pick very well.  The dating one is a no go zone, despite the fact that I met an amazing man there (he was a fluke).  Truth is, I'm not sure meeting men online is a good idea any more, not unless you treat it simply as an introduction and get offline as soon as possible/safe.  

I'm sorry, I'm really not helping, but I will.  Give me a couple of days to do some research, fingers crossed a solution shall present itself.

Take care, talk soon.

A

The reason I’ve put up my reply as well?  Transparency.  I figure if a generous stranger is willing to let me use her words, then I should be willing to use mine as well, because at the end of the day, I’m in the same boat she is, no?  Perhaps not, I’m starting to think my problems are of my own making, but that’s a sad and pathetic story for another day. 

First things first, there’s a poll, so go vote.  I know, us Kenyans have little to no trust left in the electoral process, but here at Kai Nikii?, we believe in basic math, so there shall be no Nithi-type counting of the one…ten…a hundred…variety.  What are you voting on?  Matters renovation.  I’ve been thinking of adding more pages to the blog, an idea inspired, in part, by a gentleman blogger whom I like to read constantly refusing to tell his more personal cum intimate stories on his blog.  If you’ve been reading for a while now, you’ve probably seen comments from other bloggers saying the same, that they’re not comfortable telling their stories, ati because they’re not undercover like the some of us deviants.  Hence, ON THE DOWN LOW…  That’s the new page I want to add, for anyone who has a story to tell, and I mean anyone.  Vote, tell me if you think it’s a good idea.  Another page I’m considering, now convinced by the email from Ms K, is THE PERSONALS, because you know I love the personals so damn much.  I figure, if there’s a woman reading this blog, and she’s looking to meet a guy, and there’s a man reading this blog, and he’s looking to meet a girl, well then, why not meet here?  You buggers seemingly loved the post about the gem dude, some of you perhaps a bit too much, so why not spin it into our own little classifieds section?  All I’m saying is if a ‘commentator’ happens to suggest that he/she is looking for…whatever he/she is looking for, and someone reading said comment feels inclined to make an approach, why not?  Stop looking at me like that, if you’re reading a post about relationships, odds are either you’re looking for one, or you’re in one, and perhaps looking for another. Alternatively, maybe you just like to read my masterful wordplay.  No?  Didn’t think so.  Either way, there’s a poll, express your opinion on this most flimsy idea.

Which brings me to the real point of today’s post.  I, and other singles like me (well, not entirely like me, I’d hope they’re more…umm…focused?), want to know, where exactly are the normal/sane/good men, and women for that matter, to be found?  I realise talking about ‘good’ is somewhat complicated, especially seeing as only last week I was insisting that the definition is specific to the individual, but perhaps that also needs to be part of the conversation, why not tell us what you think a good man or woman is.  Ladies, if you’re looking, tell us how you’re going about your search, is the search working?  Share, give us the skinny, the good, the bad and the downright hideous.  If you’ve already found your good man, what’s he like, where did you find him, how did you find him, what’s your story?  Again, share…  Gentlemen, I’ll be needing your help on this one too.  Do you consider yourself a good man, or at the very least a normal one?  Are you looking for a good woman, or at the very least normal?  Do you even have any problems finding said woman?  What is your definition of a good woman?  Where do you think you’ll find her, if you haven’t, and if you have, where did you find her? 

If nothing else, I need someone, anyone, to answer this one question, where are good men, and women, found?  If you are a good man, or woman, stand up and be counted.  If you are not, well, stand up and be counted too, if only so we know to avoid you, next time.  If you don’t know what to say, phone a friend and steal someone else’s bright ideas.  And if you think this is a (possibly inane) conversation that doesn’t need to be had, stand up too and tell us why, sceptics and cynics are always welcome in this house. 

POSTSCRIPT

Hang on…come back here.  Before you walk away without saying anything, know that there will be no other post forthcoming until Ms K gets what she came here for, even if it takes all month.  That’s right, I’m making like the po-po and going on a go-slow.  I will now proceed to jam my own frequency.  Start typing my lovelies…

A friendly break-up? Hmmm...

You can say whatever you like,
As long as we just say goodbye…

This has to be the most amazing break-up song.  None of that ‘woowoowoo, why did you leave me, baayyybeee?’ nonsense that’s typical of R&B, this is a brutally honest description of the end of a relationship that’s gone past its sell by date.  As always with most songs I’ve come to love, I found it completely by accident, through Sheila’s EasyFM midmorning show if you can believe it.  I know, what was I doing listening to MonotonousFM?  What can I say?  Some days I like to listen to the same songs, over and over and over…well, that and the fact that its one of only three stations my decrepit car’s radio can catch at all times, in all parts of the city, but that’s another story.  So there I am, sitting in traffic on Mombasa Road, and along comes this song out of the blue.  What!!!  I tell you, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, and be knowing they’re lazy buggers those hairs, they don’t stand up for any old idiot, all I’m saying is when those hairs stand up I sit up and focus.  Its not just Ms Michelle’s absolutely amazing voice that got me, once I started to listen to what she was saying, especially the chorus… 

Blame it on me,
Say it’s my fault,
Say that I left you outside in the cold with a broken heart,
I really don’t care,
I ain’t crying no more,
Say I’m a liar, a cheater, say anything that you want,
As long as it’s over.

… Haiya!  I was banging on the dashboard like I was at a crusade and she was bloody testifying!  How often is it that you hear a woman singing about leaving, not because her man is a good for nothing, lying, cheating dog of a man, but because she has to leave for her own good?  Rare, isn’t it?  And then came the clincher, Sheila comes on and tells us the song was ‘going out’ to Ms X from Mr Y, ‘he says he’s sorry, he didn’t mean to hurt you’.  That was the saddest request I have ever heard on radio…  

Why are you looking at me like that?  I’m not always an unfeeling cow, dammit, I have feelings too you know, they’re not many but still.  I have a weakness, for lack of a better word, for break-up drama, probably from past experience, no?  

That’s right, this one is about breaking up.  Don’t worry, the break-up in question is not mine, I’m just the unwitting (and somewhat unwilling) conduit. 

I got an email that read in part: “So now, Doctor Alex (said in serious jest), I’d like to find out, preferably on the blog, whether friendship after a relationship is blind faith. I still find myself having petty issues with my ex, just like a normal couple, but then I realize I’m treating her as if we are still dating.  Not that I’d want to date her in the immediate, but losing her friendship is out of question.”  He then went on to not so humbly request that I put thoughts to words, forthwith.  Now, when you get to the point that someone writes to you, asking you to write about break-ups, know that your reputation as whiner-in-chief has been cemented.  Yaani, I’ve bitched so much, for so long, that I am now the go-to girl for matters unhappiness?  Ah well… at least I’m not yet the go-to girl for matters sewer, or am I?  Don’t answer that. 

The question at hand today is this.  Can you remain friends with an ex, and should you?

This friend of mine was trying to convince me that because his break-up was amicable, all his break ups have been amicable he says, then maintaining the friendship should not be a problem.  When I read that I thought to myself, perhaps I should go in search of these amicable women he dates, they could teach me a little something, no?  No.  I have been the woman on the other side of an amicable break up, that’s the one where the man sits you down and tells you just why it’s not working out, not just for him but for you too, he reassures you.  Then he proposes a break/break-up, to give ‘us’ time to figure out what ‘we’ want from this relationship, we’re still friends, right?  Wait, I think those are my issues, no?  Ah well.  Although I’ve never had one, I assume that an amicable break up is one where both parties want out, like a no-fault divorce, and the subsequent lack of bile is simply a reflection of these shared goals.  But the quest to be friends thereafter?  I don’t know about that one, I suspect it’s simply an easy way to make an awkward situation better. 

I’ve said this before (Ex'cuses, ex'cuses...), break ups are rarely (if ever) balanced affairs, usually one half is left holding onto more than the other, right?  Even when there’s no drama, there’s often some residual emotion, be it bitterness, despair, perhaps even a smattering of anger, who knows?  If you genuinely cared about someone then you can’t just turn it off, no matter the circumstances.  No matter how rational we try to be, relationships are first and foremost about emotions, and the end of said relationship is an emotional process, echoes, if you will, of emotions now passed.  If you were deceived, or otherwise mistreated, then it’s the gut wrenching anguish of… everything.  If you were hoping it would work out this time, but it didn’t, for whatever reason, then it’s the disappointment of failure, and the regrets that come with it.  And if you’re the one who woke up one day and realised that you had to leave?  Well then, it’s a curious mix of relief and remorse.  Yes, remorse, we assume that the person walking away does so with ease, but any half serious look will show you that is rarely the case. 

Yes I love you but I really got to lose you,

Freedom is where I want to be,
Yes I’ll probably always love you but I’m moving,

I got to do this for me...

In a society that places a premium on being half of a couple, making that decision to leave takes balls.  You’re telling them, ‘you know what?  This shit isn’t working for me, I’m out!’  Hopefully, you’re saying it with more eloquence, but you get the point, choosing to end a relationship, especially on a seemingly flimsy reason like, ‘it wasn’t going anywhere’, or the tried and tested, ‘we wanted different things’, will earn you a distinct lack of sympathy.  Single types will look at you and shake their heads, muttering, ‘Bitch please!  If I had half of what you had I’d be a happy camper,’ thinking no doubt that you’re just being an immature selfish little twit for choosing to put your needs before someone else’s.  Not here.  Here, I salute you for doing what I could never bring myself to do, instead insisting on hanging on to something that no longer existed.  The first time I walked away was with Disappearing Dude, and because I know how to fuck up even the simplest of tasks, I’m still holding my statue as he drifts in and out of my life at will, and only because I don’t have the balls to tell him that I had the balls to leave his ass.  I think I’ve just taken a slight detour, which should be a different post altogether, no?  Apologies, I was saying, it takes balls to look past the often frustrating need for companionship, at any cost, and put yourself first. 

Thing is, whose interests are you looking out for when you utter the ‘let’s stay friends’ line, are you assuaging your guilty conscience or theirs? 

I’m not sure whether this friend of mine has unresolved issues with his ex, the bit about ‘in the immediate’ got me thinking that perhaps this is more break than break-up, but I’m the idiot still playing possum, so what do I know?  At the beginning I told you I’m an unwilling conduit, unwilling because I clearly struggle to see past my own (perhaps not too good) experiences with break-ups, I don’t think I’m the right person to offer any sort of advice, and if you don’t believe me, take a look at my archive, I have the scars to prove it.  If anyone reading this can throw in their two cents to help this man, and by association his (not so former?) woman, through this episode, I would be very grateful.

Sometimes you can work it out, sometimes you can’t,
Sometimes you’re forced to watch everything fall apart, it’s out of your hands,
Sometimes leaving is easy, sometimes it ain’t,
Sometimes it hurts to know the loving you had was slowly fading away…

I will say this much.  Folks, if you’re hanging around your ex hoping for some great reconciliation, don’t.  Take it from someone with deep seated separation issues and baggage from here to TZ, it never ends well.  What you need to do is simply stay away from each other for a while, months, maybe even years if the split was that acrimonious.  You have to avoid them at least long enough for you to be able to look at them and not feel the need to kiss them, or slap them.  Simply put, as long as you are still getting hysterical over someone’s ass, then you have unfinished business, no exceptions, so stay the fuck away until you calm down and start thinking clearly. 

I know, quoting myself is the height of vanity, but I had to, if only because I’ve run out of things to say at this point, I think I’ve flogged this horse dead and well into the afterlife, and you know what they say about flogging in the afterlife, you might just be the horse…