You went out and identified a man who
you think might just be the right man for you. Good for you. Problem is, now you have to figure out what to do with bastard, no? No? What, kwani you buggers know what to do with a random man when
you angukia him? Be honest... Thought so. These men they are
confusing, just when you think it’s all good, they turn around and
start acting like twats. But not to worry, that’s what Dr A is
for. I am going to make like a bullshit expert and tell you how to
move your newly acknowledged infatuation from ’Could it be?’ to
’Yeah...perhaps...no!’
The 2013 Kai Ni Kii?
Guide To Finally Getting A Man (Funky Soundtrack Included).
BOOK 2: HOW TO TELL IF A GUY IS
FEELING YOUR ASS, OR ONLY WANTS TO FEEL YOUR ASS, OR PERHAPS FEELS
YOU SHOULD WALK YOUR ASS AWAY.
What? Si you have a man now? Granted, you don’t know what to do
with him, but that’s how I get to make money off your ignorant
behind, with Book 2, see? Good plan, no? No? You’re reading,
aren’t you? Insert my evil laughter here...
As I was saying, thanks to Book 1, you
identified a man who really likes you. Well woohoo! for you, you are
one step closer to your happily ever after. But wait, before you go
out and buy your fluffy white dress, slow your roll for a minute and
ask yourself, is the man looking to keep you, or just borrow you, or
maybe give you away to someone else? That’s right, after the giddy
optimism of the initial heady days of electricity and unrequited (or
perhaps requited) chemistry, all those lovely infatuated moments we
love to get excited over, now comes the hard part, the harsh reality. Once your hormones die down and your dopamine levels return to
acceptable levels, you have the unenviable decision to make. Should I
stay or should I go?
THE TEST
Now because no self help on the internet is complete without a mindless test, let’s have one, shall we? Listen to the three MJ tracks on the soundtrack (at the bottom of your screen, that thingi written THE SOUNDTRACK, click to play) and then answer the following:
Now because no self help on the internet is complete without a mindless test, let’s have one, shall we? Listen to the three MJ tracks on the soundtrack (at the bottom of your screen, that thingi written THE SOUNDTRACK, click to play) and then answer the following:
1. Which of the three songs made you
think about said man (or woman, because I know you buggers are
playing along)?
a. 1b. 2
c. 3
d. EH?
2. When you thought of him, did you?
a. SMILE, GOOFILYb. SMILE, WISTFULLY
c. FROWN
d. GROWL
e. GROWL, IN A GOOD WAY
f. EH?
3. Now which of the three songs do you
think he would use to describe you?
a. 1b. 2
c. 3
d. EH?
4. The real answer this time, not the
one you like?
a. 1b. 2
c. 3
d. EH?
5. Last question, and I need you to
think long and hard about this one. Isn’t the second song a bloody
classic?
a. YESb. HELL YES!
c. EH?
THE RESULTS
If you answered anything but b) to the
last question, get out of my house, you ignorant philistine. And if
you answered EH?, leave too, because you can’t be
bothered to play my tunes. That’s why you don’t know what’s
going on, bloody cheapass!
You want the other results, don’t
you, because you think I may actually have some insight to offer? Say it with me...really? You just answered your own niggling
questions, my lovelies, but because you need someone to tell you what
you already know, you continue to give your money to a bunch of
idiots who claim to have all the answers. Ahem. I will proceed.
1. Does he want you to move your ass the
fuck on?
If at any point you picked the first
song, ’Billie Jean’, my friend, the writing is on the wall. Not
only is your new found relationship on its death bead, the priest is
standing over its rapidly cooling body smearing olive oil on its poor
forehead. Let it go, accept and move on. Don’t even try and tell
me sijui it has a funky beat, I gave you options.
I know (and you know I know this one
only too well), this is a hard one to accept, because odds are
you’re hoping he feels, how do you say, different. In his defence
though, it’s possible that he realised that it wasn’t going to
work out only after he got to know you better, and found out that you
have the unfortunate habit of picking your nose in public, and now
he’s trying to figure out how best to bump you off. Odds are he
has taken to ignoring your phone calls, and texts, and generally
being unavailable. Sound familiar? You, my dear, are his Billie
Jean. Leave now while you still have some pride left, before you get
to my CSW levels of desperation (creepy stalker woman, by the way, not commercial sex worker, although desperate times do call for desperate measures, no? Perhaps not.).
For forty days and forty nights,
The law was on her side,
But who can stand when she’s in demand,
Her schemes and plans,
Cause we danced on the floor in the round,
So take my strong advice,
Just remember to always think twice...
The law was on her side,
But who can stand when she’s in demand,
Her schemes and plans,
Cause we danced on the floor in the round,
So take my strong advice,
Just remember to always think twice...
Yes, it’s disappointing, but tell
me you haven’t met a guy and realised he wasn’t quite what you
were expecting, a month or two down the line? You do it too, often
I’m guessing. Well, shoe’s on the other foot, so get over it,
and get over yourself, and move on with your fine self. More fish in the sea and what not.
2. Does he want to feel your ass, and not
much else?
Love is a feeling,
Give it when I want it,
’Cause I’m on fire,
Quench my desire,
Give it when I want it,
Talk to me woman,
Give in to me...
Give it when I want it,
’Cause I’m on fire,
Quench my desire,
Give it when I want it,
Talk to me woman,
Give in to me...
If you picked ’Give In To Me’ (for
ye stubborn buggers who still haven’t played the tunes, that would
be the second track), especially in reply to number 1, then yours is
lust. Good growling lust, because you must have growled, in a good
way, no? The good news is, if you picked the same song for him in
number 4, then you’re both horny little bastards. Enjoy your
blissfully carnal relationship. At least until one of you gets bored
and moves on in search of a new high. I’m just saying...
If, however, this song was picked only
once, then you might have a bit of a problem, because you two are not
on the same page. If you think this song describes how he feels for
you, then you already know that he’s looking for a little sumthin’
sumthin’. Yes, he may also be looking for love and happiness, all
that good stuff, but if he was then you’d probably have picked the
third song. Come now, no one who wants more than sex readily admits
to the object of their affection not wanting more as well, we are
nothing if not delusional, no? Unfortunately for us, if it walks
like a duck, and it talks like a duck, my lovely, odds are it will
fuck like a bloody duck (unless it’s a brightly coloured chicken
masquerading as a duck, in which case...you’re a bit fucked,
possibly over. Ah well...). What should you do? Well, you can hold
out long enough for him to get tired of waiting and bugger off in
search of an easier target. Or perhaps he’ll relent and give you
the deep and meaningful relationship you want, sans the sex he wants. Then again, he might relent, and all the while keep getting what he
wants from another, but at least you won’t be the one getting
screwed.
I am so bad at this motivation crap,
it’s a miracle I haven’t been sued yet...
The moral of the song is this. If he’s
growling lustily and you’re dancing through the proverbial flowers,
Disney fantasy in mind, then do the safe thing and walk on by, you’ll
live to prance another day. Put differently, a single swallow doth not a
summer make, so don’t go thinking if you shag him he’ll be more
inclined to stick around. He won’t.
3. Is he feeling you?
The reason this comes last is because
it’s a process of elimination, think Ockham’s razor, but with a
slightly blunt razor (hence my possibly flawed logic). Assuming that
you’ve decided that the man isn’t trying to exit stage right, and
he’s not just interested in your honey, honey, then you have no choice but
to conclude that he’s interested in you, all of you, not just your
woman bits. Hence the song, ’I Just Can’t Stop Loving You’, a
syrupy ballad if ever I heard one. Hang on, not so fast. Don’t
start tripping fantastic yet, just because MJ likes to wax lyrical
about love, that doesn’t mean you should, the man was not sane, and
apparently he was high on expensive shit too (explains the genius bit
though). Feeling you does not equal love, it just means he wants
more than a warm body on a cold night. Remember, it’s early days
yet.
You know how I feel,
This thing can’t go wrong,
I’m so proud to say I love you,
Your love’s got me high,
I long to get by,
This time is forever, love is the answer...
This thing can’t go wrong,
I’m so proud to say I love you,
Your love’s got me high,
I long to get by,
This time is forever, love is the answer...
You really picked this song? Remind me
again how you ended up on my cynical blog? I worry for you...
I’m guessing your romantic behind is
not too satisfied with my simple elimination theory, yes? Not enough
drama for you? Fine, let’s try a less scientific approach. You
could make like a creepy woman and engage in a bit of subterfuge,
such as we do, stalk his facebook page, his twitter account, his home
address, his work address, his bar...hell, just stalk the man, live
and in person, if you feel so led. You know, the usual. Problem is,
all that gets you is a lot of information about his drinking habits
and his favourite football team, and not much else. So he recently
friended a girl with a hot picture and a stated fondness for body
shots (and reading, because the hot chicks on facebook just love to
read, don’t they?), that doesn’t mean he’s taking shots off her
seemingly tight body, does it? Does it? The answer we’re looking
for is no, yes? Nod now. Good girl. Rather than drive yourself mad
with random pieces of information, why not try the new improved Kai
ni kii? approach, proven to work in most situations (not)
involving normal people? See, all you have to do is...wait for
it...nothing. Wait, don’t leave, there’s more.
Doing nothing is not as nothing as it sounds. You simply need to sit back and watch, and listen. If the man is feeling you, then the poor bastard can’t help himself, he’ll tell you, and show you, and then beg you if you appear unconvinced. All you have to do is figure out what language he’s speaking, because you know he no speaka da english. And how do you do that? Do I even need to say it? That’s right, wait for Book 3.
Yes, I’m laughing, and yes, it’s evil my laughter. And yes, I do in fact have a lot of spare time on my hands, clearly.
POSTSCRIPT
The Only Relationship Book You Ever Need To Buy is definitely worth a read, and the comments are even better.
Doing nothing is not as nothing as it sounds. You simply need to sit back and watch, and listen. If the man is feeling you, then the poor bastard can’t help himself, he’ll tell you, and show you, and then beg you if you appear unconvinced. All you have to do is figure out what language he’s speaking, because you know he no speaka da english. And how do you do that? Do I even need to say it? That’s right, wait for Book 3.
Yes, I’m laughing, and yes, it’s evil my laughter. And yes, I do in fact have a lot of spare time on my hands, clearly.
POSTSCRIPT
The Only Relationship Book You Ever Need To Buy is definitely worth a read, and the comments are even better.
