Why your wonderfully pert bosom will save the world, and such like fiction.

Why do the women in action films always, make that only, wear push-up bras?

I realise that most action movies are made for men, by men, but given that my half of the species also has eyes, and money to spend, and a mild propensity for mindless violence, you'd think the buggers would at least try to consult a woman when making their explosion fests, no?  No.  If I had a shilling for every movie I've watched with a scantily clad woman, always in a push-up bra, serving no purpose other than to titillate the audience, I would be a bloody millionaire.  'Well, thousandaire, surely I can't have watched a million action movies, what am I, idle?' she scoffs, slowly nudging her stack(s) of bootleg tapes and DVD's further under the table, all surreptitious like.  What?  Yes, I have video tapes, it's not like you can throw them away?  Ah shit, I'm so analogue it's embarrassing.   Moving on swiftly...  It used to be scantily clad women hanging around in movies like accessories, but the feminists raised a stink and now the scantily clad women have guns too, and occasionally save the world.  In push-up bras.  Oh joy!

Now I don’t know about other women, but when I'm looking to get into some strenuous activities of the saving the planet (read, America) variety, I like to put on a comfortable bra, one that has no under-wires eating into my rib cage, and no dodgy cups pushing my twins up as close to my chin as possible.  But these women on screen?  No no no...  These women are wearing lovely, delicate, little bras designed to lift and separate, and expose, and this as they get thrown around the room by people/things twice their size, running 100m dashes in two seconds and blowing up a loose building.  How now?  Mr movie director, I'm sure in your fantasies a woman will scale a 10 foot wall with ease in nothing but Victoria's Secret lace underwear, but in the real world, I assure you, she will not.  It's not that she can't, it's just that she doesn’t need her fun bags, and other, getting in the way of her speedy escape, not if she can help it.  Women are nothing if not practical, and if I know I'm going to chase a bad guy halfway around the city, on foot, possibly culminating in fisticuffs, you have to know I'll strap those babies down good and tight.  You can't have them flapping about while you sprint, that shit is uncomfortable.  Worse still, imagine them swinging in the face of the villain while you bitch slap his ass, what if he pulls a Justin on your Janets and malfunctions your wardrobe?  Life and death, people, I have no time to be wondering whether the twins will make a surprise appearance.

Of course, the geniuses responsible for action fiction have no interest in reality, which is why Wonder Woman spends all her time in a strapless bustier that only just covers her lovely DD's.  These buggers have no clue.  Speaking of which...

Why are the women always in high heels, all bloody day long, even when they're kicking ass?

I watched a movie last night which had a woman fleeing from an alien robot in 4 inch pumps, and she got away.  How now?   Ladies, have you ever worn heels,real heels, 3 or more inches? You've just nodded, because we all have a couple of those in our closets.  Now tell me, did you walk around in them all day?  Maybe even took a quick jog round the corner?  No?  That's probably because you're sane.  Gentlemen, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  High hells hurt.  They look good, but they hurt like a bitch.  A woman cannot, and should not, spend an entire day in 3 plus inches, not unless her job entails sitting around all day, and never having to walk for more than five minutes at any given time.   Those cops on CSI standing around in the lab in Manolos?  Never ever.  And the fixer woman running around Washington in her Louboutins?  In hell.  And the super spy cum assassin killing a small army while daintily shod in Choos?  Really?  High heels are designed to get you from point A to point B, where point A and B are separated by a distance no greater that 167m, on a flat surface.  All those women on screen stomping about in sky high heels?  They take them off the minute the director yells, 'Cut!' and that's after only half an hour.  The ones running around?  Wamelipwa, literally.  Note how when the tabloids take those 'seen out and about' photos, the same women are always in flat shoes.  All I'm saying is someone is lying to us, and being the sheep we are, we're swallowing it, hook, line and bloody stiletto.  All the women you see tottering around our city of cracked pavements?  There's a reason they're tottering, their shoes are uncomfortable, and unsafe, but she looks good, no?

Stop looking at me badly, I have nothing against heels, I love them.  I've already told you how I use mine like a weapon, seeing as how they allow me to tower over unsuspecting buggers, or at the very least look them in the eye, but I know to use them wisely, when I shall not be required to make a quick getaway, or walk for more than 15 minutes.  High heels may be one of mankind's most famous inventions, but the fact remains they are not particularly well designed.  A heel tilts you forward, forcing you to compensate by arching backwards, thereby giving your legs and ass that lovely shape, but in the process ruining your posture and hurting your spine, and shoulders, and feet.  I get the feeling some of the gentlemen reading this are giving me a blank stare right now, so let me make it a bit simpler.  See that car parked by the curb?  Try to push it over.  No joy?  That's because it's stable, on four wheels and everything (and it weighs a couple of tons, but let's not split hairs, I'm trying to make a point here).  Now picture a three wheeled Tuk Tuk.  A well placed shove and you can get it on its side, yes?  Women in high heels are Tuk Tuks, unstable as hell, but much prettier (I hope).

TV and movie people, women who walk around a lot do not wear heels all day, and they sure as hell don't sprint up stairs in them.  Stop shaking your head, they do not.  And neither, for that matter, do they spend shit loads of money on designer shoes and then wear them to go shopping for vegetables and such like mundane activities.  Expensive shoes = showing off = (possibly fancy) occasion.  Just because we're silly enough to wear the damn things, that doesn’t mean we'll wear them anywhere.  Bloody Nkt!

Why are the women on TV always in perfect make-up, even when they've just woken up?

Of all the fictions the film industry has spread, none has been more detrimental to women.  This 'always looking perfect' story is the reason men wake up next to us and get scared, talking about how fake we are and shit, because we don't look like we did the night before, asubuhi na mapema.  Listen here, it's not our fault, you buggers have been brainwashed.  If the movies were real, that scene with the couple in bed, first thing in the morning, would have the mama with her hair all over the place, old make up smeared on the pillow case, eyes crusty with that icky yellow stuff, saliva stain running from the corner of her mouth down to her chin.  And the jamaa would be looking just as dodgy, with his face puffy with sleep and his tongue and gums grey with gunk for good measure.  That's reality.  We all look a bit suspect when we get up, because we have just been sleeping, as in not conscious and therefore not mindful of our appearance.  But on TV, nooooo...  Buggers open their eyes looking like they've just stepped out of a salon, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, hair in place, foundation lightly applied and lips wondrously soft.  For the love of God, man, how?   It gets worse, they look just as good all day long, with nary a touch up. Lipstick never fades, eye-shadow never smudges, false eyelashes never fall off.  Damn these lies, damn them to hell.

Gentlemen, we will never look that good.  Never.  The best you can hope for is two hours of splendour in the evening, right after work, before we tuck into the Kenchic, sorry, lavish dinner you shall buy us as a reward for looking so good.

Talking of people who look good...

Why are superheroes always in skin-tight outfits, with no pockets?

This one has vexed me for years.  I know they're perfectly proportioned, all firm muscles and toned rumps, but come on, could those outfits be any tighter?  You know how Superman flies around in his body suit cum underwear, and cape?   Wait, I have to pause here and ask, what is with the damn capes?   Apart from Batman, whose cape is a fancy wing-glider thingi, why the hell are the other buggers walking and flying around with bloody sheets strapped to their backs?  Apart from the obvious fire hazard (not a ridiculous thought, they do encounter random explosions often these caped crusaders, no?), those things are none too aerodynamic, and they make for handy grips when a bugger wants to fling you about (read, Loki).  And the capes look silly as hell.  To quote Ironman, 'Doth mother know thou wearest her drapes?'  I don't get it.  Back to the skin tight clothing.  I can see the inspiration, these buggers are like athletes, they need to move freely and loose clothing can be a bit of a bother, but where pray tell does Catwoman keep the keys to the car she no doubt has (unless she walks/crawls/jumps everywhere), or cell phone, or bloody hankie in case she has the sniffles?  And Superman, the one who wears his 'suit' under his clothes all day long, just in case there's an emergency, where does he leave his regular clothes, seeing as how he's not flying around with a bloody knapsack, and how is it they are never stolen in that crime ridden city of his?  The less said about Batman and his rubber/plastic get-up the better, but at least he has the good sense to carry a tool belt, no?  That and he's a clever bugger, he uses the wondrous power of mechanical engineering to get around, unlike the broke ass bastard with spider goop spewing out of his hands, swinging all over the place, until it runs out.  See, if Spiderman had pockets, he could carry a spare cartridge or two, no?

The only advantage I can see to the tight clothing is how perfectly it outlines the ladies' impossibly perfect boobs, and bums, which brings me back to, why are they always in push-up bras?

Why serial killers are racist, and such like fiction.

Why is the serial killer never black?

Now I understand that all these serial killer shows and movies are not African, and therefore often have no Africans in them, but surely, not even one loose black guy once in a while, stalking people and turning them into body suits?  Are they trying to say that black killers aren’t good enough to kill in a serial fashion?  Or is it just that they’re not TV friendly?  I think this is the lowest form of racism, assuming that black fans don’t want to see one of their own on screen, decapitating strangers with butter knives.  See, these serial killers are almost always extremely intelligent types, too intelligent some would argue, always coming up with elaborate plans and rituals to kill and evade capture, and the fact that they refuse to depict black people in such cerebral, and depraved, roles suggests, a. we are not intelligent enough, or b. we are not depraved enough.  Either way, it’s deeply racist.  Listen, you white TV people, us negroes we got killing skills too, we can abduct and dissect and bloody mummify with the best of them.  We even have special basements where we play Bach while sawing a leg off just so…  Hang on…no, we don’t.  Us black people we don’t do basements.  Bach, maybe, but never in a basement.  Aha.  I get it now.

Why don’t serial killers listen to Tupac?

For the longest time they kept telling us that gangsta rap was too violent, too misogynist, demonic even, but I ask you, when have you even seen a serial killer getting down to ‘I wonder if heaven gotta ghetto…’?  No no no, these geniuses are almost always much enamoured by fancy classic music, or head banging metal.  This can only lead me to the conclusion that a fondness for hip hop automatically precludes psychopath tendencies.  Put differently, if you have to listen to classics, listen to classic rap, that way you will never, ever kill any one, not serially at least. 

Why do the serial killers always kill the black guy first?

It’s standard for any movie with a random black guy making up the diversity numbers, and especially in the cheaper slasher flicks, that said black guy will die first.  It’s just the way it goes.  For why now?  Olympic records show us that black men are faster runners than white men, so if it’s a matter of running away logic dictates that the black guy dies last, no?  No.  That bugger will die in the first 30 minutes of the film, 15 if the film is about high school students on holiday.  Hell, I watched a trailer for some shark flick where the black guy died in the 2nd minute of the trailer.  The trailer, I tell you.  Do you know how insignificant you have to be to die in the trailer, kabla movie ianze?   Granted, in this case the serial killer was a shark, in a lake, but still, racist that one... 

Why are serial killers so obsessed with patterns?

If you keep doing the same thing over and over, eventually you will get caught.  The cops may not be rocket scientists, but even they are not that dumb.  Seriously, for buggers trying not to get caught, these serial chaps are not very clever.  I know, they are driven by compulsion and whatnot, but perhaps they need to be compelled to be contrary?  Come on man, mix it up a little, butcher knife today, power saw tomorrow, rifle the next day…be creative, dammit.  Better still, how about not killing damn near identical people?  Ati he kills young women between the ages of 20 and 20 and a half, with blonde hair and 36D boobs?  Boss, can you be serious and kill whomever you come across?  Crazy mother…  And speaking of which…

Why are serial killers so obsessed with their mothers?

Given half a chance, a man is only too quick to blame all his problems on a woman, and it’s almost always his mother.  Sijui she used to beat him, or she never loved him enough, or she breastfed him till he was 9.  Bollocks.  If a man has mommy issues then those are his issues, he has no business painting my toenails as he strangles me in his bathtub, calling me 'mummy' and shit…  Mscheeeew!  Just once I’d like to see a guy killing men who remind him of his evil pa, or better still, kill the useless politicians who remind him of his local, and useless, politician?  Come to think of it…

Why don't serial killers kill the idiots we’d like to see dead?

You know what show I would give my right arm to watch?  The show about the serial strangler who only murders thieving buggers.  Stop laughing, this is a good plan.  Imagine if Onyancha had been bumping off the idiots at kanjo who put chalk in our water, instead of chlorine, or the langas at KNH who steal medicine and sell it in their pharmacies, or the MP’s who give themselves random pay hikes whenever their bums twitch?  The serial killer can be a force for good, is all I’m saying, but noooooo… he’d rather run around killing the girls who look like the girl who refused to shag him when he was 15.  Bloody nkt!

Why aliens don't like Africa, and such like fiction.

Why don’t aliens land in Africa?

I like science fiction.  I truly believe that one day robots will take over, and that aliens live on Mars.  I believe that I can move things with my mind, I'm doing it right now...  See how I'm making your eyes glide over these words?  I is telekinetic baby.  And clearly not very intelligent.  I like to watch movies set in a galaxy far, far away.  I like aliens, especially the vindictive ones who just want to kill everyone for no reason.  I like to watch a bunch of 10 chaps get knocked off by some strange mama they gave a lift to in the middle of nowhere, just because, and kumbe she's actually the great evil on her way to earth, or Los Angeles, to start a new colony with her miracle babies who sprout from her pinkie finger.  I am a sucker for Darth Vader, and Captain Jean Luc Picard.  'Event Horizon' is one of my favourite movies to date, as is The Matrix trilogy.  Slight detour, I had never read science fiction until last year.  As stupid as this sounds, sci-fi was, to my mind, a visual art.  A book about space travel, and it's not a comic?  Why that's absurb, she thought, ignorant.  I know better now.  Detour over.

So in all my years of watching the earth get invaded by octopuses with strange goggles, I am yet to see an alien land in this here Africa.  With the exception of District 9, a most brilliant movie that upset the Nigerians to no end (perhaps understandably), I have never seen an alien in my vicinity, at least not on screen.  What the hell, man?  These buggers are racists!  Kwani, me and my kind aren't worth abducting?   What, only white people get probed up the butt?  Actually, keep the probing to the wazungus, serves them right, they've been sticking it to us for ages.  However, might I suggest abducting a few choice specimens from amongst us?  I have in mind a couple of idiot politicians, and the guys who make the ads on radio.  I have digressed.  I want to see a UFO over my city, dammit. I want random gun-toting aliens (higher life form and you haven't figured out a more efficient way of killing us?  Bloody nkt!) to cruise my skies, blowing shit up.  I want Thor, in all his hammer swinging hotness, to land in my dessert, sorry, I meant desert (did I really?).  Africans of the world unite!  We need us some aliens.  And before you write this off as a misguided rant, keep in mind that alien invasion = civilisation.  For as long as we're not on screen being invaded, then we're the langa Maasais jumping up and down at the end of the movie (Independence Day), after the (usually) American hero has saved the world.

I demand aliens, forthwith.

Why are zombies cannibals?

Wait, this is one of my more intelligent questions.  If these buggers are dead, and therefore not discerning consumers, being that their brains aren't working, then why can't they eat grass, or paper?  I'm just saying, the whole needing to eat human flesh after you die makes no sense.  It's not like you need the protein to build muscle, you're dead, no?   Why, for that matter, bother eating at all?  Sustenance?  Pleasure?  The urge to spend eternity chewing?  This zombie story makes no sense.  We don't need them in Africa, them and the vampires can stay right where they are.  Drinking blood to stay alive, yet you're undead?  No no no...

Why didn’t those buggers use the giant eagles to get to Mount Doom in the first place?

I love Lord of The Rings, but that plot had some serious holes in it.  Those hobbits thought to walk to the mountain, only to be saved by the eagles once they got there, too many pages later.  Did it not occur to Gandalf to call up his giant chickens, way, way at the beginning, and just fly there?  I'm guessing Bwana Tolkein couldn't contemplate writing the return journey, seeing as how he'd spent kendo 1000 pages writing the journey there, but come on man...

Why do female newscasters have the same hairstyle?

Speaking of peculiar fiction, what is it with these weaves on TV?  I call it 'the Lillian Muli', that ka Julie Gichuru hairstyle with the luscious locks falling just so, as seen on every station at 9 pm (the 7 pm ladies favour shorter cuts, in line with the Kiswahili, ethnic, feel of the show, sorry, broadcast).  I don't mind Julie's, because that's her hair (as in growing from her head, as opposed to purchased with her money) and she's worn it so for ages, but those other ones are suspect.  I don't mind a good weave, mind you, I mind that they all look identical.  It's kinda creepy, these women look like Barbie dolls, complete with the plastic smiles and perfect make-up...

Why do mechanics never know what's wrong with your car, but still insist on trying, and the key word here is trying, to find out?

In the realm of good tales, the mechanics must be small gods.  I've concluded the mechanics' curriculum includes a semester spent learning how to frustrate their customers.  Don’t laugh, think about it.  Have you ever taken your car in for repair, only to get it back with the same problem, and possibly others to boot?  Boss, kama hujui, sema hujui, don’t waste my day pulling out random parts to fix the bushes, and its always the bushes, and then putting it all back together only to realise, 'Haiya... Madam, kumbe taa haiwaki...'  I know that, you (unprintable), that's what I came to you fo'!  True story, unlike this next one...

Why do politicians claim to be such good Christians?

It's not just in Kenya, all over the world there are politicians running around claiming religion and/or God, and then they turn around and bang a hooker, or smoke the odd illegal drug, or steal the odd million, or slaughter the odd innocent.  Si they just tell us they’re the spawn(s) of the devil and get on with it?  We'll vote for them either way, it's not like we're particularly choosy, look at our prezzo(s).  Yes, this is a swipe at my crying-in-church DP, and no, I will not let it go.  This story of buggers claiming miracles, just, it must end.  Brother Paul is still running his scams, all the while still leading a church, and a political party (in this case we can conflate the two), and he hasn't been lynched?  Perhaps the question should be, why do Kenyans claim to be such good Christians?

Why do men say they like curvy, dark, mature women, with natural hair, then turn around and date super-skinny, yellow yellow, weave-wearing girls of dubious intellect?

If I read one more survey of Kenyan men claiming great preference towards:

a. curvy

b. dark skinned

c. smart

d. natural hair wearing

women, I will slap someone.  Listen, if men really, really, really liked such women, then women wouldn’t spend all their time trying to look like Beyonce.  They spend all their time, and money, trying to look like a skinny, yellow yellow, with blond hair and a spectacular ass, because that's what they see men chasing, and because they want their own Jay Z (read millionaire).  It's simple cause and effect.  The day men stop lying to surveys, is the day we'll start believing them (surveys and men).

Why do women claim to want nice guys, when they don’t?

While on the topic of pure fiction...  If women wanted 'nice guys', then the phrase 'nice guys finish last' would never have been coined.  Women, we do not want nice guys, we only say we do so as not to look foolish, or shallow.  It's understandable, but it's also a bit confusing.  We need to stop lying to these poor bastards, before they kill us with their niceness.  Dammit, a woman can only take so many soft caresses before she snaps and does someone she regrets.

Ahem.

Why do they make leather shoes and then add on a plastic heel, with a piece of paper stuck to it?

This one only women will understand, I suspect.  You know how you buy a kick-ass pair of 3-inch heeled suede pumps with hand stitched detailing?  You know how the heel of said pump is covered in some pretty pattern, to match the detailing?  You know how, a few missteps later, the pretty pattern is peeling off, and the shoes are all of six months old?  You know how you take it to your favourite cobbler and he says he can't fix it, because it's paper, and he only fixes leather, being that he's a cobbler and all?  Say it with me...nkt!   Why do they make a shoe that can last 5 years, and then stick on a plastic heel covered in non-waterproof paper, a paper that will peel off once our rains start, a paper I can't replace?  And just to show they're completely insensitive to our plight, they then discontinue that line, because why would they keep making a shoe someone likes?  I know they want us to keep buying shoes, but what the hell?  I'm going to buy more anyway, you bloody idiots, I'm a girl.  They tell us to buy real leather shoes, ati they'll last us a lifetime.  Lifetime, they say.  Fiction, I say.

I really liked those shoes...