Why is the serial killer never black?
Now I understand that all these serial killer shows and movies are not African, and therefore often have no Africans in them, but surely, not even one loose black guy once in a while, stalking people and turning them into body suits? Are they trying to say that black killers aren’t good enough to kill in a serial fashion? Or is it just that they’re not TV friendly? I think this is the lowest form of racism, assuming that black fans don’t want to see one of their own on screen, decapitating strangers with butter knives. See, these serial killers are almost always extremely intelligent types, too intelligent some would argue, always coming up with elaborate plans and rituals to kill and evade capture, and the fact that they refuse to depict black people in such cerebral, and depraved, roles suggests, a. we are not intelligent enough, or b. we are not depraved enough. Either way, it’s deeply racist. Listen, you white TV people, us negroes we got killing skills too, we can abduct and dissect and bloody mummify with the best of them. We even have special basements where we play Bach while sawing a leg off just so… Hang on…no, we don’t. Us black people we don’t do basements. Bach, maybe, but never in a basement. Aha. I get it now.
Why don’t serial killers listen to Tupac?
For the longest time they kept telling us that gangsta rap was too violent, too misogynist, demonic even, but I ask you, when have you even seen a serial killer getting down to ‘I wonder if heaven gotta ghetto…’? No no no, these geniuses are almost always much enamoured by fancy classic music, or head banging metal. This can only lead me to the conclusion that a fondness for hip hop automatically precludes psychopath tendencies. Put differently, if you have to listen to classics, listen to classic rap, that way you will never, ever kill any one, not serially at least.
Why do the serial killers always kill the black guy first?
It’s standard for any movie with a random black guy making up the diversity numbers, and especially in the cheaper slasher flicks, that said black guy will die first. It’s just the way it goes. For why now? Olympic records show us that black men are faster runners than white men, so if it’s a matter of running away logic dictates that the black guy dies last, no? No. That bugger will die in the first 30 minutes of the film, 15 if the film is about high school students on holiday. Hell, I watched a trailer for some shark flick where the black guy died in the 2nd minute of the trailer. The trailer, I tell you. Do you know how insignificant you have to be to die in the trailer, kabla movie ianze? Granted, in this case the serial killer was a shark, in a lake, but still, racist that one...
Why are serial killers so obsessed with patterns?
If you keep doing the same thing over and over, eventually you will get caught. The cops may not be rocket scientists, but even they are not that dumb. Seriously, for buggers trying not to get caught, these serial chaps are not very clever. I know, they are driven by compulsion and whatnot, but perhaps they need to be compelled to be contrary? Come on man, mix it up a little, butcher knife today, power saw tomorrow, rifle the next day…be creative, dammit. Better still, how about not killing damn near identical people? Ati he kills young women between the ages of 20 and 20 and a half, with blonde hair and 36D boobs? Boss, can you be serious and kill whomever you come across? Crazy mother… And speaking of which…
Why are serial killers so obsessed with their mothers?
Given half a chance, a man is only too quick to blame all his problems on a woman, and it’s almost always his mother. Sijui she used to beat him, or she never loved him enough, or she breastfed him till he was 9. Bollocks. If a man has mommy issues then those are his issues, he has no business painting my toenails as he strangles me in his bathtub, calling me 'mummy' and shit… Mscheeeew! Just once I’d like to see a guy killing men who remind him of his evil pa, or better still, kill the useless politicians who remind him of his local, and useless, politician? Come to think of it…
Why don't serial killers kill the idiots we’d like to see dead?
You know what show I would give my right arm to watch? The show about the serial strangler who only murders thieving buggers. Stop laughing, this is a good plan. Imagine if Onyancha had been bumping off the idiots at kanjo who put chalk in our water, instead of chlorine, or the langas at KNH who steal medicine and sell it in their pharmacies, or the MP’s who give themselves random pay hikes whenever their bums twitch? The serial killer can be a force for good, is all I’m saying, but noooooo… he’d rather run around killing the girls who look like the girl who refused to shag him when he was 15. Bloody nkt!