“The love shack is a little old place where we can get together…”
Seeing as how I revealed my murky dating past to you last month, I figure why not go the whole hog no? Today I would like to share with you the basic rules of internet dating, I’m going to tell you what no-one else will. Why? Because that’s just the kind and caring person I am. To paraphrase
of ‘Grown Little Man’ fame, ‘I’m not just here to entertain y’all, I’m here to educate y’all too…’ (Yes, I just quoted a man small enough to drop kick, but he’s a very funny man so normal little man rules don’t apply.) Not buying this are you? Ah well... Just make sure not to look this gift horse in the mouth, is all I’m saying. Kevin Hart
Rule no 1
There are no rules. Really. Online you can do what you want, say what you want, be who you want. Hell, you can have a different profile for each of your split personalities, knock yourself out! Just don’t get so caught up that you forget that none of it is real, you don’t want to be the idiot on a date struggling to convince a (very) sceptical lady how all your 7 cars are in the garage, at the same time. Just a thought…
Rule no 2
Under no circumstances should you use your real name, ever. The people on those sites are not normal, and those are the good ones, the bad ones are stark raving mad! In as much as my mother taught me to be charitable to strangers, this is the one time that rule cannot possibly apply. There’s also the added fear of google searches (see M.A.D.), or God forbid you apply for a job and your prospective employer upon googling your ass stumbles upon your profile on a dating site for ‘kinky singles looking for threesomes’. And when you pick a pseudonym, find one that while funny or catchy will not cause you great embarrassment if someone happens to shout it out loud upon meeting you. For example, it may seem a good idea to call yourself ‘hotkinkybabe’ but when some random stranger spots you across the street and shouts ‘Hey kinky!’ there might be some awkwardness, no?
Rule no 3
Don’t fake your bio-data. I’ll say it again, don’t fake your bio-data. You can lie about everything else, and get away with it if you’re good, but if you’re a 5’1”, 45 year old, 11-fingered, transgender idiot, the truth will probably come out, no? Unfortunately all these sites will ask you to put in your height, weight, age, etc, details that depending on your issues you may not want to reveal, but better to put that shit out there upfront than sit through 2 hours trying to explain why you don’t look like Halle Berry, which brings me to the next piece of wisdom.
Rule no 4
Don’t put up a picture of
. Much like not using your real name, using your real picture can lead to unwanted attention, but putting up a picture of Ms Berry or Djimon Hounsou isn’t really helping your case either, especially if, and it is very likely, you do not resemble said beauties. If you have balls, by all means put up your mug shot, they say that profiles with pictures are 9 times more likely to get responses than those that have none, ‘they’ being the owners of said sites, in cahoots with your internet provider trying to get you waste as much bandwidth as possible, but those are my issues… My advice? Get creative and find a picture that doesn’t give too much away (no ladies, a picture of your ass doesn’t count), or get a random picture from google, preferably one not of a porn star. One guy I met had a picture of a very old, very wrinkly mzungu on his profile, very funny. He unfortunately was not. Halle Berry
Rule no 5
State exactly what you’re looking for, no lies, no bullshit. Think of a dating site as a supermarket, the buggers who select you based on your profile are looking for a ‘does what it says on the tin’ scenario. If you’re looking to settle down and have six babies, say it loud and proud, there might be a man out there thinking that exact same thing, who knows? If you’re looking to fuck around, say so, save yourself the time and hassle of wading through the masses in search of a like minded freak. Really. What’s the worst that can happen, they’ll spam you?
Rule no 6
There‘s a reason I picked ‘Love shack‘ as today's soundtrack, dating is supposed to be fun, no? Think happy clappy and don’t take it too seriously, it’s just a forum for meeting new people, it’s not a mass marriage ceremony or something such like. Listen, you wouldn’t go crazy over a guy you met in the lift last week, would you? Would you? Then why are you making a fool of yourself over a stranger you’ve only known 3 days? Just because your profiles match that doesn’t necessarily mean you will, and just because he says he wants a wife that doesn’t mean she’s you. Be realistic. And as sane as possible. Yes, there’s women, and men, on those sites looking for their happily ever afters, but most are just looking to get laid. Besides, what are you doing looking for a life partner online? That’s just lazy. Go to church like the rest of the desperate idiots. Sorry, I meant to say bar, she says looking away all innocent like… Moving on swiftly…
Rule no 7
There are certain types you want to avoid at all costs, irrespective of the site you sign up on. Gents, stay away from any girl/woman/lady with ‘babe’ in her name, those ones are psychos, they will cook your rabbit, and it doesn’t matter how old they are. And the ones with the very hot profile photos? Never ever! They never look that hot in real life, if they did, you’d have fungad them already. This city is not that big. Really. Ladies, stay away from the men with passport photos as their profile pictures, they are not playing with a full deck of cards. No exceptions. I know, you’d think a man who has the balls to put himself out there like that must be a pretty decent chap, right? Wrong! They’re the ones hiding some truly twisted dark shit. Trust me, I know. And stay away from the young ones, they’re only looking for sugar mammas.
Rule no 8
Last but not least, do not under any circumstances sign up on a site called Nairobi Dating, despite its brilliant tagline (‘dating for serious people’ or something such like) it is a den of perverts. No really, perverts. If you do sign up, despite my admonitions, then be very wary of a strange chap who asks you to send him ‘your sexiest pics ever’, that man is in fact a bunch of men getting a couple of cheap laughs at the desperation of others. I know this because I know the foolish punks behind this not brilliant stunt, and no, they are not friends of mine, they’re simply drunk bastards who don’t have the good sense to just go a strip club. And stay away from a very young looking alleged 40 year old sexy mama, she claims to be looking for a man who can show her the good time her hubby cant. She is in fact a he. You’ve been warned.
So there you have it, 8 rules for internet dating. Good luck! Let me know how it goes. Or not.
PS. It goes without saying that you should take all manner of precautions, blah blah blah… You’re grown ass idiots, figure it out for yourselves, I’ve already done my one good deed for the day, make that week.