I don’t like westerns, I find them too slow. All that standing around, staring, fingering a revolver, waiting (literally) for the cows to come home, I don’t get it. It doesn’t help that most westerns have spectacularly crap soundtracks, if any. I am, however, partial to a good cowboy, all their macho prancing about in tight leather pants and kick ass boots, brilliant! What I particularly love about cowboys though is how little they say, and how well they say it. Strong silent men who can seduce a woman with only one glance…
It’s the beginning of a new year and looking back the one thing I keep going back to is how easy it is to fall in and out of lust/love in this city. You meet someone on Thursday night, by Saturday you’re madly in love and come next Thursday you’re moving in together, then two weeks later you’re either broken up or looking for a home pregnancy test. Notice how I didn’t point out when the sex is had, that apparently happens on that first Thursday night, round about 3 hours after meeting. And the glaring omission of the trip to the local VCT (before the unprotected sex is had)? Only if said centre has a branch right outside your local. What the hell is wrong with people in this town? Whatever happened to dating? What happened to getting to know someone before you move on to second, let alone third, base? Hell, what happened to counting bases?
Last year it finally dawned on me that I am old, at least too old to try dating in this misguided city of ours. Back in my day, you had to have coffee, ice cream and a movie at least five times before you even considered giving him a kiss goodbye, on the cheek. These days strange men on the internet tell me they have to have sex with a woman before they can even begin to consider going out with them. Eh? I’m sorry, when exactly did sexual auditions become part of the dating process? Although in retrospect perhaps that may not be such a bad idea, last thing you want is to fall for a guy only to find out his idea of a rocking good time is whips and chains no? But that’s beside the point. I was saying, dating has become a succession of one night stands, clandes, fungas, benefits with friends, you name it. And what’s worse is, it’s not just the men who are doing it, the women out here are just as bad, if not worse. Now I have no issues with the one night stand, my problem is with the idiots who want a one night stand, but pretend to date in order to get it. Boss, if you want a random shag, just say so, don’t waste time pretending to care about the environment, ‘just like you’ he says, and all in an attempt to plant your tree in my garden.
I think we need to be clear on these two issues. Gentlemen, and ladies, going on a date does not equal getting laid, one may lead to the other, but its not guaranteed, its more like a performance bonus. So if you want to get laid, go get laid, it’s not that hard (pun unintended). If, on the other hand, you want to have an entertaining evening with some good company, then go on a date, and enjoy it for what it is, a date. ‘But what about the exceptions?’ you ask. Exceptions prove the rule, remember? ‘What if I’m on a date with someone I’m shagging?’ you insist. Well, in that case you have a contract don’t you, the bonus is now a salary, same rules don’t apply. ‘So I shouldn’t look forward to a quickie after dessert?’ you wail. You can, but then you’ve just wasted a good meal worrying about how fresh you smell down there instead of how good it tastes up here. Listen, all I’m saying is, a date should be the end in itself, not the means.
I think we need to be clear on these two issues. Gentlemen, and ladies, going on a date does not equal getting laid, one may lead to the other, but its not guaranteed, its more like a performance bonus. So if you want to get laid, go get laid, it’s not that hard (pun unintended). If, on the other hand, you want to have an entertaining evening with some good company, then go on a date, and enjoy it for what it is, a date. ‘But what about the exceptions?’ you ask. Exceptions prove the rule, remember? ‘What if I’m on a date with someone I’m shagging?’ you insist. Well, in that case you have a contract don’t you, the bonus is now a salary, same rules don’t apply. ‘So I shouldn’t look forward to a quickie after dessert?’ you wail. You can, but then you’ve just wasted a good meal worrying about how fresh you smell down there instead of how good it tastes up here. Listen, all I’m saying is, a date should be the end in itself, not the means.
You’re probably wondering what all this has to do with cowboys. It’s about seduction, a lost art in this town. In a western, when a cowboy rode into town the first thing he’d do was stop at the local bar and lodging, have a hot bath, then eat, then screw the town’s resident whore. Then one hour later, he’d swagger back onto the street, set eyes on the pretty schoolteacher, and proceed to woo her with flowers, tea and a loose horse ride into the bundus for some sightseeing. And then in the evening he’d go back to the bar and screw the whore again. See it was very clear, he’d get laid when he wanted, no fuss, and then date when he wanted, some fuss involved there (because he was inevitably a socially inept idiot more accustomed to cows than birds). All parties were clear on expectations, or lack thereof. My point? The cowboy will treat a lady like a lady and a whore like a whore, and he doesn’t get the two mixed up, he will seduce the lady and screw the whore. Of course, when he finally gets round to screwing the lady, he'll screw her like a whore, but that might not be such a bad thing. I'm just saying...
I’m guessing you’re all a bit confused at this point, don’t worry I am too. I think my major gripe with dating these days is that it simply doesn’t exist, a date is either an extended drink-up with hazy sex at the end of the night, or a quick bite and even quicker sex. How is it that we no longer enjoy each other’s company, just? We seem to have forgotten how to seduce each other.
I’m guessing you’re all a bit confused at this point, don’t worry I am too. I think my major gripe with dating these days is that it simply doesn’t exist, a date is either an extended drink-up with hazy sex at the end of the night, or a quick bite and even quicker sex. How is it that we no longer enjoy each other’s company, just? We seem to have forgotten how to seduce each other.
It used to be that men tried to get a woman, they actually exerted an effort, they chased your ass. But not these days, these days a man expects a woman to fall at his feet, he doesn’t need to ask a woman out, she’ll throw herself at him, wont she? Sad thing is, she actually will, us women we’re so tired of waiting for the knight in shining armour we’ve taken to chasing fools in tin foil. Shame man!
“Where have all the cowboys gone…”
