Letter from London: The Chilcot Inquiry Update

Readers of these pages are no strangers to the idea that world political leaders across the spectrum are quite adept at stretching the meaning of The Consent of the Governed.

We now learn that nearly five years after former UK Prime minister Gordon Brownannounced a full public inquiry it seems that the public will never get to hear what George Bush said to Tony Blair in the run up to the War against Iraq. This despite a request by the official public inquiry into the conflict for the documents detailing their exchanges to be made available to the public. 

Sir John Chilcot, head of the Iraq War inquiry has made a special deal with the UK government and accepted that the inquiry could look into talks between Mr Blair and Mr Bush before the start of war but the information would only be limited to 'quotes or gists'. It was also agreed that the inquiry could hear what Blair said to Bush but they could not report President Bush's comments.

Earlier this week, Mr Blair was quoted as saying that he was not the reason for the delay in publication of the report.  “It certainly isn't me who is holding it up,” he told the BBC. “The sooner it is published the better from my perspective as it allows me to go and make the arguments.”

The inquiry also investigates, without apportioning blame, how the leaders presented the Case for war including the extent to which they both relied on a dossier that Secretary of State Colin Powell described as a fine paper, which amongst other things cited Saddam Hussein's possession of Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMDs) that could be launched against western capitals within 45 minutes.

Expect little new material from this inquiry. 


So-ve-reign: Part 2

I've come to expect a certain amount of foolishness from government communications types, that's what they're paid to do. So when one Munyori Buku goes off on a rant about 'economic sabotage', I don’t lose any sleep over it, because I understand where he's coming from. That's a lie, I do not understand how a free thinking individual of sound mind can say the nonsense he says, all regular like, but I do understand the need to do his master's bidding. This is what the man was quoted as saying a couple of weekends back:

On Saturday, Mr Munyori Buku, the director of media and external relations at State House, termed the advisories and evacuations as economic sabotage.

“Could somebody be green all the face with envy over the recent visit by the Chinese premier (Mr Li Keqiang)? Well, Kenya as a sovereign nation picks its friends,” said Mr Buku.  The President’s spokesman added that the Coast evacuations were based on nothing tangible noting that some British tourists had complained that they did not understand why they were being asked to go back home.

“This is a straight forward and shut case – economic sabotage!” he told the Sunday Nation.


This is the president's spokesman, mind you, so we can only assume what he says is what his boss thinks, unless clearly stated otherwise. Now while I have little love for my prezzo's random theories, especially after the dodgy so-ve-reign story during his campaign, this claim was a bit much. Didn’t he just pay some unnamed foreigners, who were not Chinese, 1.4B? I wrote this off as pathetic Jubilee spin and moved on, secure in the knowledge that my fellow citizens wouldn’t fall for such an idiotic ruse.

I should have known better.

Sunday morning, this was the first thing I read, Is there Western conspiracy to end Jubilee rule before its five-year term?, courtesy of a malicious news junkie friend who sent me the link at 2:30 am. I don't even know where to start...

First up, the western media conspiracy. The New York Times had the gall, gall I tell you, to print a picture of the student riots 'on their front page'. How could they? Before you get worked up, kindly take a look at the image, Pictures of the Day: Kenya and Elsewhere. It's not nearly as bad as I expected (especially given that the paper bitching are the idiots who had a blood all over their front page, no?). From what I can tell, there was no write up in the NYT on the riots, just the photo (if anyone has a link, please post it in the comments). The way they tell it, we should be most upset that the only pictures of Kenya the NYT chooses to print are of terror attacks, what appear to be overzealous riot police and (probably) wildebeest. Problem is, I don’t read the NYT and therefore I have no clue what pictures of us they regularly print, nor do I much care. I suspect the geniuses at the Nation who wrote this...

It is no mean feat to get anything Kenyan covered by the New York Times. It’s one of the highly regarded newspapers in the US, published out of the city after which it is named and which is America’s financial capital.

...are not regular readers either, judging by their need to tell us that the New York Times is published in New York, because there's a chance it's published in Ohio or such like. Not content with that little piece of brilliance, they then threw in the Brits.

In Britain, the Daily Mail and The Telegraph also played up the pictures from the student riots. Although they are independent newspapers that make their own editorial judgment [sic], conspiracy theorists were quick to judge it as part of a wider conspiracy by Western nations to punish the Jubilee government in line with the “choices have consequences” statement made by a former US diplomat for Africa, Mr Johnnie Carson.

The Daily Mail had a brief write up and 19 photos of the riots, most of which paint the riot cops in a less than flattering light, save for the one where the cops are helping (yes, helping) a man with a cut on his head. Now, not to malign the Mail, but it's not one of the more serious papers over yonder, which is to say they have a love for sensational 'news', which is to say they're a bit tabloid. A quick search for Kenya on their pages gives roughly the same number of results for Kenya, the country, and Kenya Moore, some random reality TV star. Not exactly the place to be looking for foreign policy conspiracies, is it? The Daily Telegraph is a slightly more serious outfit, but it doesn’t seem to have any pictures of the riots, or an article (Latest and breaking news from Kenya). They do however have the story of a British aid worker who died of malaria a couple of days ago, so...

Our journos then conclude,

Western media have also increasingly been giving heightened coverage to acts of terrorism and insecurity in Kenya – which the government says is out of proportion with the reality in the country.

Out of proportion.

This is the second part of the conspiracy: 'it's not that serious'.

Mrs Kandie thinks that those issuing travel advisories and the media coverage of recent events in Kenya have been blown out of proportion.

“Our country’s image and reputation is being slowly eroded by exaggeration of and over-reaction to these incidences by some of our foreign partners leading to extreme travel advisories, to the point of evacuation, that are causing hotel closures and job losses,” she said. “But the most critical and most hurtful aspect is the erosion of the confidence in this country and this destination. Our reputation as a tourism destination is at stake.”

She doesn’t come out and claim conspiracy, to her credit she doesn’t even imply it. Hers is to point out the damage being done to the economy, the scale of the sabotage as it were, billions it would seem. (The tourism numbers are also another post.) In her attempt to tow the 'foreign media are being mean' line, she may have slipped up a little...

Mrs Kandie is also critical of media coverage accorded to Kenya abroad. “It is a well-known and understood fact that foreign media rely heavily on our local media as reference points on the stories they report on insecurity. Naturally foreign media when lifting stories from local reports will often misrepresent the situation to our national detriment.”

“I am not suggesting by any means that you divert from telling the truth, or water down stories, I am merely asking for a heightened awareness of the impact of our headlines, judgment [sic] in crafting them and a constant eye on national interest,” she added.

Reading that, one gets the impression she blames our guys for the crap in the papers out there, no? From this statement, our media is sabotaging us, too.

Mr Buku clarified...

State House in part believes that the advisories and the intense media coverage the country has received lately from some foreign media houses is part of a bigger conspiracy against Kenya.

“The plan to justify evacuation of tourists and lockdown of embassies was evidence. It was surprising to see last week’s university riots on the front pages of some major Western newspapers yet the needless riots didn’t even get much of front page coverage in Nairobi,” said a State House spokesman Munyori Buku.

Repetitive, no?

Then came the punishment conspiracy, part three of the conspiracy narrative. This is an extension of the so-ve-reign bullshit from last year, bullshit I refuse to get back into, because it's bullshit. I know there are some who believe these theories, but it's time we stopped entertaining foolishness in our politics. Yes, the West doesn’t want what's in our best interest, but neither does the East, or even Tanzania. Here's a shocking idea, countries look out for their own interests. Is the white man looking to screw us over? Yes. Is it because we're black? Possibly, but the mzungu is probably more interested in the cash he stands to make than the colour of our skin (money trumps bigotry, just ask that Clippers mzee). Is our government looking to protect us from the evil white man? No, not even remotely, those buggers will sell us down the river for a hustler jet and a suitcase of dollars. Are 'we' being punished? Hmmm...

Political scientist Peter Kagwanja says that the West is undoubtedly out to punish the Jubilee coalition and possibly cause Kenyans to drive the government out of power for its open association with China.

“The conspiracy is deeper and practical than it is appearing. When you begin to think of a campaign, the first thing that you factor in is the media. There is an effort to create an impression in the public that Kenya is not working, that the two leaders are unable to govern. There is a consistent plan,” said Prof Kagwanja. He says that in his reading, there is a connection between the university riots and the advisories and then the assertion by the Opposition that Jubilee is failing.

Anyone who can link student riots, travel advisories and the jokers at CORD deserves a medal, no? Incidentally, the riots deserve a separate post, because it turned out to be quite the rabbit hole. The scientist continues...

“There is an Egyptian script. Whether it will succeed or not, they are trying it. Within one year of (former Egyptian President) Morsi’s election, the West sponsored a popular uprising. You smear and then move in for the kill by getting Opposition politicians to mobilise the people and bring them out on the streets and then publicise it to the world. Within that chaotic environment, create a transitional authority and then an election follows and they can pick a person of their choice,” said Prof Kagwanja.

Going by this logic, the West is grooming the opposition to take over. Shall we all take a minute to laugh our asses off? Which opposition? Eish. That said, this was a clever way to slide in Raila without actually mentioning his name. The man has been in...wait for it...America, for the past how many months? Grooming, no? And the Egypt bit is brilliant, subliminally linking CORD to a would be pseudo military junta. Problem is, he's just compared Kamwana and co. to the Muslim Brotherhood. Hang on, this may be the one thing he got right, save for the whole Muslim thing. Yes, I'm being sarcastic.

These genius journos, having reinforced their conspiracy claim, then threw in the senator for Mombasa.

Mombasa Senator Hassan Omar does not believe there is a conspiracy against Kenya by Western power but says it is possible that Kenya’s traditional Western allies have been rattled by Jubilee’s dalliance with Beijing.


He however criticised the West’s response to terror attacks in Kenya.

“I fault the Western because Kenya has been a traditional ally. Also, this is about business markets and business. Our reaction should have been; how do we sort out the problems so that the numbers of tourists can flow. It is a fallacy to think that Chinese will come where there is insecurity. Is there a way that we can improve security so that tourists and indeed all Kenyans are safe? The approach should have been totally different. Advisories should be preceded by consultation,” said the Senator.

This was the only part of this article that made sense. I have no idea how it ended up there.

So-ve-reign: Part 2 - An Addendum

Do you know how long I've wanted to put addendum in the title of a post?  This is brilliant.  I'm just saying...

In an article in the Sunday Nation, see so-ve-reign post, the Prof is quoted as linking the student riots to the economic sabotage by the West. This claim struck me as slightly ridiculous, so I went out and did some reading.

Back in April, reports came out of a plan to increase tuition fees in Kenyan public universities.

The commission’s chief executive, David Some, said on Friday the review has been delayed by lack of trustees to shepherd the University Fund—which is mandated to cost varsity courses afresh. Prof Some said trustees have been identified and will be introduced to the public in coming weeks.

“There will be new fees in place come September when the funding board will carry out reviews on the current charges,” he told the Business Daily in the Friday interview.

The Fund is the creation of the Universities Act of 2012 and its responsibilities include advising the cabinet secretary on university funding, develop criteria for allocation of funds to varsities, establish the minimum pay for lecturers and the costing of courses.

Because we are quite peculiar us Kenyans, this story went from proposed increases to actual increases within a couple of weeks. Next thing we knew students were threatening to 'take to the streets' if these increases weren't reversed. Seeing as there was nothing to reverse, well, you saw what happened next.
After the riots the government issued a press release to explain.

The Universities Act, 2012 provides for the setting up of the Universities Fund. The Universities Funding Board is the one to determine, in consultation with the public universities, the maximum differentiated unit cost for the academic programmes offered in public Universities.

The Ministry wishes to clarify that Vice Chancellors of Public Universities have been working on a model of differentiated Unit cost for financing academic programmes in Public Universities especially through HELB. The Kenya Association of Technical Training Institutions (KATTI) has also initiated a similar exercise to determine the cost of academic programmes under Technical, Vocation Education and Training (TVET) Institutions. The aim is to determine the actual cost of the each degree and diploma programme that Universities and tertiary institutions offer and accordingly peg the cost of each programme on the unit cost. This process has not been completed.
The Government would like to allay the fears of stakeholders, and particularly University students about the purported increase [original formatting, I have no idea why it's in smaller font].

Now how this mess went from talk of increases to reports of increases to riots over increases is anyone's guess, and the insinuation that opposition politicians, or the evil West, had something to do with the students getting agitated enough to call a nationwide riot is not entirely implausible. Student politics is as dirty as the rest of our politics, and for some reason politicians like to get involved, throwing cash around to a select few. Thing is, anyone who has gone through a public university in this country knows that student politics are nowhere near as organised as we'd like them to be. What I'm saying is that these buggers can barely organise a party, let alone co-ordinate an anti-government riot designed to destabilise the government. But hey, that's just my possibly naïve assessment. What I do know is that students taking to the streets to protest what could be massive increases in these harsh economic times is more likely to be about students protesting massive increases in these harsh economic times. Life is expensive in this city, even for students.

Besides, if we're going to start pointing fingers at inciters, why not these ones?

In 2010, a study backed by the World Bank and the government recommended a new financing model for the universities that would have doubled fees and increased interest paid on Helb loans.
[from the Business Daily article quoted above]

The same government accusing the imperialists of sabotaging them are looking into fee revision models that may bear some similarity to recommendations from that most imperialist of banks. This from 2010...

The University Academic Staff Union has lashed out at a proposal to merge 'regular' and 'parallel' degree programmes offered at Kenya's public universities, and accused the World Bank of "sabotage".

We're quite fond of sabotage it seems. I digress.

The reaction came after publication of a report compiled by a team of international and local experts, titled Financing University Education in Kenya. It proposed that public universities turn to parents, students, donors and entrepreneurship to earn income rather than relying on increased government funding.

Aside from recommending that government-sponsored (regular) and self-sponsored (parallel) courses be unified and their students be charged the same tuition fees, the report suggested that fees be pegged to the instructional costs of programmes, their market demand and the prevailing starting salaries of their graduates.

A further proposal was that fees for food and accommodation provided by universities be adjusted upwards.

The experts also proposed a revised governmental annual recurrent budget allocation to universities to add a limited but selective competitive fund for doctorate studies and research.

The imperialist bank suggested hiking fees, rather than the government spending more on tertiary education. Look back at the press release, do you see the similarity? 

All I'm saying is clearly there is some economic sabotage going on, but it has nothing to do with advisories and everything to do with the (no longer?) evil Bank serikali is happy to get into bed with.

Whenever the University of Nairobi riots, the first thing the yuppies in this city do is demand the relocation of Main Campus to Masaku or such like. This despite the fact that some of these yuppies are graduates of said campus. I am. Not a yuppie, I'm a proud alumni of the UoN. I lived in the CBD for 6 years (no, I didn’t repeat any year). As a proud alumni and citizen, I feel the need to warn all you buggers, I will be damned if anyone is going to move my school away to the boondocks. Are the rioting students a nuisance? Definitely. Should they be locked up for the damage they cause? Yes, please, and their colleges made to pay the cost of repairs. Should they be expelled from their respective courses? Of course, back in the day when we had badass VC's with cojones, buggers used to get discontinued all the time. But should the campus be relocated? Never. These students, and the campuses they live in, are a key part of the city. Campus students are why the nightlife in the CBD survives the never ending insecurity. Campus students are the reason those of you who work around said campuses can afford cheaper meals, and groceries. Campus architecture is the reason the city is not a completely concrete jungle. Campus students are the reason men and women too old to be chasing younglings can still date sweet young things, and at bargain basement prices. Campus students are the only residents of the CBD, them and the citizens who live downtown. And campus students are a pain in the ass, the way only idiots who cross highways at a stroll can be...

I had to get that ode to my alma mater out.

Introducing...Mahe Goat.

It's not every day I get to say I know someone who writes erotica.  It's definitely not every day that I get to put up (what I consider) pretty damn good erotica on my pages.  And it's definitely not every day you get a free download of said erotica.  My people, Bwana Mahe Goat, he of the 'roasted ripe banana' fame [see ON THE DOWN LOW], is finally back in circulation and he has a lot to say, most of it quite pornographic.  See, the man has decided to become a (self) published author of fine works of titillation.  Yes, really.  Don't frown, for a man who can be quite the goat, he writes some very tender, yet downright kinky, porn.  You don't believe me, do you?  Come right this way, wacha nikuonyeshe...

Quick disclaimer.  This is erotica and therefore it will be, by necessity, explicit.  This isn't one of my langa warnings about the sewer, this is really explicit.  Body parts and fluids are described in most vivid detail, there's twitching and impaling, hell, the only thing missing (in this excerpt) is cunnilingus.  All I'm saying is, it's porn, for real, but without the crude language, hence the erotic tag.  Hang on, is porn still illegal?  Hmmm...  I shall put in that 'read more' thingi to conceal the deviantness of this most excellent post, because those censor geniuses don’t know these things (I wish I was kidding).  All the genteel types gone?  Excellent.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pride that I present Bwana Mahe, erotica writer.  

An Excerpt. 

As she worked on the image, Michael stirred but moved only slightly. As she filled in each detail, the image began to progressively resemble the man sleeping silently before her. No detail escaped her observant eye, and her skilled hand executed those details in no fewer splendours.

She felt that she had finished her work, and noticed that an hour had passed. Susan rose from the chair and moved to his bed and laid her sketchpad next to Michael's nude form, coincidentally laying it in the same orientation as Michael. Gently, she sat next to him on his right and gazed into his sleeping face.

Slowly she placed her right hand on his penis, wrapping her fingers around the underside and lifted him. While his manhood was coming to life, Michael's body remained asleep. She was softly stroking him, and when he reached about two thirds his full natural size, she leaned over him. Susan extended her tongue and began to lick the glans of his semi-erect member. She swirled her tongue around its form, feeling him twitch as she passed the sensitive parts on its underside.


Friday afternoon with my president. Good times. Or not.

I was parked on Uhuru Highway on Friday afternoon, bonding with our prezzo.  I was listening to his press conference on the radio, and before I knew it I got to feeling all woiyee for the man.  'Listen to the feeling in his voice, when he says he doesn’t want to pay, but he has to. He sounds so heartbroken,' I sighed. 'By golly, Kamwana really does care about us...so, so much!'  Then an idiot journalist began to ask an idiot question and my mind began to wander, away from my oh so caring prezzo and back to the reality of a massive traffic jam in the CBD.  'That man,' I muttered, staring at the mess ahead and behind me, 'doesn't give a rat's ass about us, does he?'

See, I was in the innermost lane of 4 lanes of traffic, at a complete standstill for the past 20 or so minutes, with a big ass 4x4 right in front of me obscuring my view of the roundabout (and the langa policeman who was holding us hostage, in 28 degree afternoon sun), and the worst part of the shiny monstrosity reflecting sunlight straight in my eyes was its dark tinted windows, so dark I couldn’t even see the silhouette of the driver, or the cars ahead of him.  With no hope something interesting to look at, I turned to my left and there was...wait for it...another big ass 4x4, wine red this one, with black windows, and what looked like a Somali, or Mwarabu, or generally light skinned negro, driver.  'Hmmm...' I thought, 'the cops must just love his tinted window owning, 'foreign looking' ass, especially when he's just back from the mosque in his lovely white kofia.'  The man looked back at me all nonchalant like, gave me a brief smile and shrugged, such as we drivers do when parked on the highway, in 28 degree afternoon sun.  Random aside, he looked a lot cooler than me, probably because his car had functioning A/C while mine only has an A/C button.

Realising I could no longer stare at the man on my left, having made eye contact and therefore no longer a stranger, I swivelled in my seat to look behind me; random Japanese saloon car, with two men in the front, dark windows rolled down.  I quickly turned away, because any woman in this town knows not to stare at men in random Japanese saloon cars with dark windows and Man U stickers.  Don’t look at me like that, you know I'm right, those buggers are the ones who offer to buy you a ka-nyama and then take you to the nearest Chomazone (that, my friends, is terror, drinking in a bar by the highway terror).  In fairness, I should point out that these guys are also the guys who will get your door open in two minutes, if you should so happen to lock your keys inside.  They're handy, is what I'm saying, and resourceful.  And they like putting those blue lights in the rims of their random Japanese cars, otherwise how will you know who they are at night, yes?  Now you know.  Moving on swiftly...

While el presidente was busy throwing his lawyer under the bus, I got to thinking, how on earth does our inspector of general things intend to keep my city, and country, safe when he can't even keep the tinted windows off the bloody road?  All week it was travel advisory this and evacuated tourist that, but all the IG had to say was, 'No tinted windows!'  How now?  To his credit (ptuh!), the man has been on a roll.  The week before it was a ludicrous directive to PSV operators to screen their passengers, because we all know the bad guys never carry ID's, and they always label their bombs as, well, bombs, just to make the search easier.  Now, if that bright idea had been plucked from thin air it wouldn’t have been so bad, but alas, it was his targeted response to a set of blasts on Thika Road.  Yup, this is what passes for security in our country.  We get hit by...has anyone taken credit for those attacks?  Wait, what am I saying?  All crime is Al Shabaab these days, no?  We get hit by the terrorists, terrorists who oddly enough weren’t rounded up in the sweeps they said were designed to round them up, terrorists who haven’t been locked up at the detention, sorry, screening centre at Kasarani, terrorists who have not been deported back to Somalia, we get hit by these terrorists, and all our top cop can think of is how to make our lives just a little bit harder.  Because crime, sorry, terror, isn’t kicking our fucking asses enough as is.

The traffic cop decides we've been idle too long, and decides to let us pass, but not all of us, only about 23 cars.  Mind you, would've been 27 if some lady hadn’t thought to get into my lane in a most unserious manner, sticking her nose in and blocking me, and then stopping to ask me to give her way, this while the cop is furiously waving us through.  The cop got pissed off and stopped us, right at the lights, made us wait, just because.  Suffice to say, I and the blue light chaps behind me, and the two cars that were previously behind her in the next lane, we were round about ready to beat her 'lane changing just before the roundabout' ass.  What, she couldn’t change lanes INSIDE the roundabout, like every other shit driver?  Nkt!  Yes, I am speaking in jest, I am a firm believer in sticking to your lane.  Thing is, in this city people seem to think those lines on the road are mere suggestions of where you should be pointing you car.  And don’t get me started on the whole solid line v broken line lane changing rule, that's what earned me another 10 minutes behind that not clever driver lady.  I think I've detoured, where was I?

Kamwana was now defending his government's decision to fire a man by sms, lecturing the country on the three reasons why he would feel the need to remove someone from their post, and informing us that there would be other changes being made in the not so distant future, if need be.  It all sounded quite good, until I glanced up at the policeman holding up traffic and thought to myself, 'But is he going to fire this man's idiot boss, or hasn't said boss offended the right woman yet? One day,' I sighed, 'the inspector will get an sms, and he will be no more, one day...'  Finally free of the insanity on the highway and now stuck in slow moving traffic outside el presidente's (not) residence, I heard him say something about his macho nne, the journos obligingly laughing along, instead of asking him what his plans for our security were.  I laughed along too, relieved to find out that despite the evident dismay the man felt, he still found it in himself to crack the odd joke, in Kiswahili no less.  'He's lovely this man, just lovely...'  And then I looked at the line of cars ahead and behind me, and Nkt!'d myself.  

By the time I got to my destination, he'd wrapped up his press conference and normal transmission resumed with a brief bulletin, twin blast in the city, as many as 10 dead, more injured, blood will most likely be needed.  And nary a word from my president.  My president called a press conference to talk about the money he had to pay to unknown people for unknown goods and services not rendered, so he could borrow a shitload more money, because he, they, had already budgeted for this money they hadn’t borrowed yet.  Meanwhile, out in 28 degree afternoon sunshine, his people were getting blown apart by...no really, has anyone claimed credit for the last attack?...blown apart by criminal terrorists, as they went on with their daily business of earning a living in this hard knock city of ours.  I'm willing to bet that somewhere in the market there was a radio on, blasting loud music, music that was interrupted for the president, live from State House, even as some idiot was flinging a grenade.

We, raia, get blown up.  Shot.  Hell, it's only a matter of time before the bastards take to stabbing us like the Chinese terrorists/rebels/disgruntled types (si we're looking East and whatnot?).  Meanwhile, they, the powers that be, spin, and spin, and spin some more.

15 terrorists, many hostages.

No, mattresses.

No, water bottles.

No, criminals.

No, Somalis.

No, illegals.

No, ID's.

No, tinted windows.

No, economic sabotage!

Wait, that was a good one.  The white man is screwing us over!  No wait, they're all white.  The West is out to get us, because the East is now our friend!  Look at the highway they built us (that we'll be paying for, for a good long while), and the railway they're going to build us (that we'll be paying for, for a goo...ah fuck it!).

No, Raila!

You know they're scraping the bottom of the spin barrel when they throw Raila at us, but hey, needs must and such like nonsense.  Besides, those CORD buggers are so foolish they can't even figure out how to protest basic insecurity, except when someone's trying to assassinate them, that is.

Spin, spin, more bloody spin...

They lie and we die.

Now we know.

For your viewing pleasure, Nakaaya ft M1, 'Mr Politician' (see playlist).  It's dedicated to all of us idiots who voted for all these idiots who hired all the other idiots to tell us shit, and then do precisely fuck all for all of us.  Yes?


Kiss me.

Now I know what you’re thinking, with that title, and the song by the same name on the playlist, this must be a warm and fluffy post.  Alas, you would be wrong.  I’m talking about that hot, lip sucking, tongue duelling, ass grabbing, crotch grinding, a one step away from getting naked kiss.  That kiss that says, ‘I want nothing more than to join your body with mine, fuse them together in that eternal dance of lust…’  When’s the last time you were kissed and your groin gave a swift kick in response?  I’m sorry, was that too blunt?  Let me rephrase.  When was the last time you kissed someone and it felt like your insides were melting, groaning with desire, every single inch of you craving more, more touch, more feel, more…  That’s the kiss I’m talking about, desire distilled into one moment, one simple act of pressing yourself against someone else, feeling their desire, feeding off it.  God, I miss that kiss.  

Screw this, I can’t do this straight.  Apologies, my lovelies, I need to get filthy.

I’ve been out of the sewer for way too long, I’m starting to feel almost…clean.  How now?  What’s the point of having a blog in the deep dark recesses of the interwebs if I don’t get to wallow in the filth every once in a while?  I’m doing an Al Pacino-esque ‘Hoohaa!’ right now, in case you were wondering, and I’m guessing you weren’t (nkt!).  Ladies and gentlemen, disrobe accordingly and put on your protective gear (fun fact, this spying on each other business means we get to watch each other strip.  Say it with me…Hoohaa!  No?  Not feeling it?  Let’s move along then…).  I’m not entirely sure where this tale is going, but I’m pretty sure rude and crude will make an appearance, and with any luck there may even be a little steamy to boot. 

Now we can do this one of two ways.  I can get pseudo scientific on your ass, such as I tend to, taking you through the how and why we kiss, but who has time for that bollocks?  Frankly, if you’re thinking about the mechanics of kissing then you simply aren’t doing it right, or with the right person.  That’s what they never tell you, that it’s about whom as much as it is about how.  Not all kissers are equal, some people do you better than others.  Note, I said do you, not it.  It’s a bit like dancing isn’t it?  Some people dance well together, some don’t.  Same thing with kissing, one fella knows your rhythm, and the next fella has no clue.  Problem with us impatient types, we'll write someone off with malice, dismissing them as too tongue-y or too nibble-y (I don’t know, sounds like it could be a thing), but then you meet their next lover and the idiot is waxing lyrical.  Why?  Chemistry, baby, is all it is.  

The second way to do this then would be a handy how to list.  How to kiss.  Because I am the foremost expert, me with my sporadic encounters with men.  ‘Ha!’ she scoffs, ‘You’d have better luck looking for tips from a priest.’  Bad example.  All I’m saying is, kissing is truly a case of one man’s steak being another man’s burger.  The only help I can give any gentlemen reading is to follow her lead.  If she starts slow, go slow, and if she starts hard, go hard, but only if it’s what you want, or like.  Hold her face, though, women love that, and her waist, and then her ass.  Don’t ask me how I know this one fact, I’m not telling.  Ladies, from what I’ve experienced, men aren’t too different from us, save for their obsession with tongue.  Why is that, by the way?  Hang on, just realised it might be only me who’s tongue averse.  Oh my…  Remember how I said I’m not an expert?  Like I said before, it’s a dance, so, you know, dance.

If I’m not here to bludgeon you with dodgy science, and I don’t have a list for you, then what’s this all about?  Hell, I simply wanted to talk about kissing.  Stop laughing at me, I’m not that desperate, I’m just a bit deprived is all.  You know I live alone, I get laid at most once a month, on a spectacularly good month, and even then kissing is not guaranteed, because apparently these days people don’t kiss before, during or after they fuck.  What the fuck, man?  What, in the name of everything that is good and right in this world, is going on?  Do men not like to kiss any more?  When you meet the man he’s all, ‘I love kissing you, baibee…’, but then a few months down the road it’s a quick smooch, then down to business and nothing thereafter, until the next business.  Eh?  Is there a law that says kissing, real kissing, is only for newbie lovers?  If that’s the case, I need to start dumping any man I date every two months, just to keep the kisses flowing.  Bloody negroes withholding their goodness from me, useless…  Ah!

I may have digressed…

I was saying, I miss that groin-kick kiss.  It’s the kiss of someone who truly excites you, and who is truly excited by you.  It’s a combination of pent up desire and anticipation, the heady rush of…  I like to think of it as pure, unfiltered sexual attraction.  It doesn’t happen each time you kiss someone, it’s more of a ‘your planets are aligned’ kinda thing, one of those hopefully not too rare moments when you’re in sync.  A strange unspoken connection, almost like a creepy shorthand.  It’s a secret code, is what it is.  I used to think it was more mental connection than physical, until I had that exact moment with a man whose mind I barely knew, and let me tell you, it was anything but mental.  Hoohaa!  And just so you know, that night pretty much destroyed any illusions I had about soul mates.  On the up side, I have since come to the conclusion that there is such a thing as sexual soul mates, people we are born to shag.  I know, not one of my brighter theories, but you need to understand, that man played me like I was his fucking violin and he was my maestro.  What!!!  Folks, time and space disappeared.  You know those scenes in the movies when the couple is standing still and the rest of the world is whizzing past, the sun racing across the sky and shadows lengthening, fireworks going off?  That’s exactly what happened.  Well, not exactly, the sun was down, so none of that shadow stuff, but the whizzing bit must have happened because suddenly everyone around us was gone, and I know for a fact I heard, and felt, fireworks in my head, and other.  Hoohaa!

Slight detour, I’ve used hoohaa before, haven’t I?  I think I have, but I was referring to vaginas in that post.  No, wait…yup, we’re good.  I’m referring to vaginas here too.  She checks the crude box, and laughs an evil laugh. 

For the inquisitive ones amongst us (evil bastards, all of you, if I don't tell you the whole story you grill me for days in the comments...), that man was but a blissful hour or two from the tail end of my 20’s, and no, he has never featured here.  We never dated, thanks to my useless cock-blocking pal who ensured that I never got a chance to spend any meaningful time with the man (yaani, I didn’t get a chance to shag his beautiful ass, and it was a most beautiful ass).  Crying shame.  I do not speak in jest.  On the up side, I have since had similarly brilliant kisses with other men, kisses I got to enjoy because I finally had the good sense to know when to let go and enjoy the moment for what it was, a kiss.  Not the wonderful beginning of a life long love affair, a kiss.  It’s chemistry, baby, that’s all it is.  See, that's the one time I don’t have to struggle to explain what I want or how I’m feeling, I just do.  I may get a bit, or a lot, fucked up soon thereafter, but at that particular moment, life is simple.  It’s clear desire.  I want clear right now.  I want to kiss a man until my head spins from lack of oxygen (it happens).  I want a man to kiss me until I can’t walk for wetness (that happens too).  I want to kiss so long the sex, if any, is dessert, not the main meal (hasn’t happened yet, but it seems like a good thing to aim for, all tantric like, no?  No?  Ah well…).  I want to kiss someone who gets this. 

I also want a stainless steel wok.  What?  I’m not being random, this is part of the plan.  I figure if I’m asking the universe for shit, I might as well ask for something attainable, no?  Laugh now, but when the gods send me a set of fancy steel ware, most probably in the arms of a lovely man who doesn’t like to kiss, at least I’ll have a pot to store their piss in, evil bastards.


Operation Usalama (What?): A blogger’s guide.

Being that I am a most loyal Kenyan, I feel I must engage in my constitutionally mandated role of self-securing citizen and ensure that everyone entering this most secure blog is neither agent of terror or malcontent intent on destroying the precious, unblemished fabric of our nation.  To this end, could the following individuals kindly exit this blog, forthwith:

1.      Anyone not in possession of a government issue pass book, sorry, identification card duly issued by, or procured from, the appropriate government department/official, because terrorists do not carry identification, ever. 
PUBLIC NOTICE: You will be required to show your documents at all times, especially if you post a comment.

2.      Anyone who does not bear either immunization mark or acceptable command of Kiswahili, and therefore cannot possibly be a citizen of this fair land, because every single Kenyan has access to decent post-natal care and education. 
PUBLIC NOTICE: All citizens are now multilingual, and safe from Diphtheria. 

3.      Anyone carrying a bag of unspecified size and/or contents; or any unknown liquids, powders, tools or farming inputs; or arms (guns, not appendages…wait, suspicious appendages aren’t welcome either, we can’t be having octopi running amok in this republic); in any unmarked Toyota’s, especially proboxes; or any other suspicious items that may not be easily recognizable to our security services, such as a mildly rational intellect.
PUBLIC NOTICE: Everyone is now a potential terrorist and will be treated as such. 

4.      Anyone who is not a legal resident of Kenya.  Unless, that is, you are in possession of significant amounts of foreign currency and a deep seated desire to spread said wealth (legally, please) in the numerous hotels, whore houses and game parks our country is famous for, BUT without the deep seated desire to procure any animal parts or illegal drugs, by way of collusion with our patriotic citizens, for the purpose of funding acts of terrorism against our fair land.
PUBLIC NOTICE: As being an illegal resident (or a refugee) is now a crime, and any and all acts of crime are now acts of terrorism, all foreigners committing said acts of illegality are members of Al Shabaab

5.      Anyone who for some peculiar reason, say genetics, does not look exactly like us, and by us they mean the descendants of the first (or second, or third) people who migrated into said fair land, way, way, waaay back when, and therefore qualify as the only real citizens of this country, because only really black black people (not a typo) have ever settled here, since the beginning of time. 
PUBLIC NOTICE: Brown is not a patriotic colour, not unless you’re a hot yellow yellow reading the news on a government approved TV station, or the leader of the majority in Parliament, or Manu Chandaria and such like captains of industry. 
ANOTHER PUBLIC NOTICE: White is a very patriotic colour, we have no problem with those (dual?) citizens, they flew here, see?

6.      Anyone who has not regularly spied on their ten neighbours.  If you do not know what time your neighbour takes his morning dump (weapons of mass des…sorry), or where she buys her deliciously firm melons (incendiary devices, wink wink…), or where their kids go for Sunday School (possible madrassa thingi, see?), you are failing your country. 
PUBLIC NOTICE: Everyone is now a spy.  Unless they’re a terrorist.

7.      Anyone who in the act of citizenry of said land has expressed dismay at the manner in which fellow citizens of high standing may be conducting affairs of the state.  This includes those noisy buggers who in the recent past may have questioned our president’s continued absence from our fair land, especially in times of crisis, or who may have, on occasion, used one of the many unpatriotic isms oft spouted by activist cum sympathiser types.
PUBLIC NOTICE: Dissent is unpatriotic, neglect is not.

8.      Anyone who is actually a terrorist, because I know what honest people you are and I can therefore trust that you will declare yourselves to me, willingly, if only to keep me from getting shot in the ass when you get taken out by whoever is taking these buggers out. 
PERSONAL NOTICE: Stay well away from me, my terror inclined reader, the po-lice buggers don’t aim, they spray (see, random person killed alongside Makaburi) and I have no intention of being that guy. 

Right then, all the unsavoury people gone?  Good.  Let’s get on with it. 

Hang on, what about my…  Give me a few minutes, I need to delete a couple of dodgy posts real quick, and maybe a few songs, and definitely the other blog…

Ah crap!

I gotta go…