Dear Mr President

Dear Mr. President
Come take a walk with me
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly...  

The end is nigh, no? Yes, as it turns out, the end may in fact be nigh, unless someone gets off his ass and does something. Yes, Mr President, I'm looking at you.

Reports are coming out of an explosion, this evening, in Eastleigh. This after an alleged bomb maker blew himself up yesterday, also in Eastleigh, and after a grenade was found in a church in Lamu, earlier in the day. That after the church shooting last weekend in Likoni, and after a car rigged with explosives was discovered at a cop station in Mombasa, the week before. All this in March, this year. In February, the police stormed a mosque, claiming militants were training within, killed at least 4 people and arrested as many as 70 others. These alleged militants had raised an al Shabaab flag at said mosque, in the daytime. Then the police told us they'd killed an al Shabaab suspect, a few days earlier, he who had killed a counter terrorism cop. In January, there was a grenade attack at a beach bar in Mombasa, and a possible grenade attack at JKIA.

These are the incidents I recall off the top of my head, I suspect I've left out others. I know I have, because there's the Westgate trial currently going on, even as the FBI apparently has the bodies of the four attackers (yes, they were only four, and Karangi says they killed them on Monday, two days before they left the mall). There's always something going on in Garissa, unfortunately, and the cops have taken to rounding up young men in this city at will, just because. And then there's KDF, still in Somalia with ANISOM.

In the same three months, our government has managed to:
     1. defend a dodgy railway tender
     2. frolic with the World Bank, but ban a demonstration supported by USAID
     3. deny a looming/present famine, while flagging off relief food
     4. ban a movie
     5. defend a dodgy laptop tender
     6. launch a massive irrigation scheme in Tana River County, not where there were clashes
     7. order a coupla typewriters
     8. evict a community from their forest
there's something else...ah yes...
     9. retreat in Nanyuki, at a hotel, just because, and then begin, and perpetuate, a nonsense wage bill debate
Again, these are off the top of my head, I've probably neglected to mention the sterling work Mututho is doing.

Meanwhile, security has gone to shit, people are being murdered, robbed, raped, lynched, you name it, we got it. But hey, our prezzo says they have a plan, they always have a plan.

As we learned last year, insecurity anywhere in our region is a promise of insecurity everywhere. If we do not help our neighbours to achieve the peace, freedom and prosperity they deserve, then our own freedom and prosperity is threatened. Last year’s evil terrorist attack, among the worst in Kenyan history, forcefully reminded us of these facts. I stood before the nation, and vowed that we would not be cowed or divided. Our response was firm, without threatening the bonds of brotherhood that hold between our different faiths. Under extreme provocation, the unity of the nation was preserved.

Looking inwards, our internal conflicts remain. Although reported incidents of violent crime fell by 8% in 2013, this is nowhere near enough, as the horrifying incident involving baby Satrin Osinya, will remind you all.

My government has laid a firm base for the protection of our people and their property. Already, two major new security programs have been launched. One, our new Nyumba Kumi initiative, is a core national value: asking communities to join their governments in providing security is as clear an example of public participation as anyone could wish for. Our second program took a broader, technology-driven approach. Among its first steps is the introduction of CCTV in the streets of our major cities and towns, and broadband connectivity at border points. My government has also invested heavily in surveillance equipment, and at least 1200 vehicles for our police. We will also substantially increase police numbers, which have already significantly progressed from one police officer for 750 citizens to1:535, without forgetting their welfare. Ground has been broken on a new police housing scheme at Ruai in Nairobi; this will soon be replicated across all 47 counties. An insurance scheme for our men and women in uniform will be established by July this year. These, and more, will be underpinned by the most extensive new investment in security since independence. My government will allocate resources adequate to the needs of our security agencies, the better to modernise them, and enable them meet current and emerging threats to our safety.

Nyumba Kumi, and 'a broader, technology-driven approach', whatever the fuck that means. 

Good plan.


Be safe, good people, looks like we're on our own for a while.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why...

The song is 'Dear Mr president' by Pink, because there's something about the prezzo that reminds me of Dubya, but I can't quite place my finger on it. Yes, I am being very sarcastic. I shall now go and get drunk, and calm down, while I finish the post I started before the interwebs distracted me. Useless fact, it is the work of the devil, twitter is. Good for stalking though...

In the wake of security alerts and such like, searches at the entrances of pretty much everything, everywhere, have increased, and with that comes the hassle of dealing with security types. Ah, the lovely watchmen, long may they vex us. That said, the next person who talks shit about 'useless security guards' at the malls and supermarkets and offices gets slapped. Thanks to our wonderfully short memories, we've already forgotten the images of security personnel being gunned down at the entrance of the fucking mall. How now? Whining 'middle class' Kenyans, we have no shame. NKT!   


Many rivers to cross...

The dog ate my homework.  No really, it did, she says, holding up what look like gnawed sheets of A4 paper covered in random scribbles, which on closer examination turn out to be badly torn up sheets of A4 paper covered in random scribbles.  I know, pathetic.  What can I say?  My lies are almost as dodgy as my blog.  Almost. 

Hello, my lovelies, how’ve you been?  Good?  Good.  I’m not so good.  Hell, I’m terrible.  Bloody fatigued, battered, bruised and scarred for life.  It’s been hard, man, hard.  Well, not so hard.

Many rivers to cross,
And it's only my will that keeps me alive,
I've been licked, washed up for years,
And I merely survive because of my pride…

I’ve just come off two weeks in the scariest place on these our interwebs.  I was on twitter.  Walalalalala…  My friend, that shit needs to come with a serious warning, and a user’s manual, who knew that 140 characters can be so complicated?  See, it’s not just the incessant chatter of god only knows how many people all talking at the same time, there’s apparently some sort of secret protocol guiding interaction within the chattering mob.  You don’t just waltz in and start sharing your uninvited opinions willy nilly, no sirree bob!  You need to be ‘someone’, or have some cause, or a gimmick, or a very, very, very hot AVI.  My AVI is that ka-picture top right.  And my gimmick is stony silence (I can’t say what I need to say in 140 characters, come now…).  My cause was, is, random reading, my twitter feed is my reading list, says so bottom right, see?  (Incidentally, turns out some buggers on twitter don’t much care for reading and such like nonsense, judging by what they say, and how they say it.)  It goes without saying that I am not ‘someone’.  Pity no one told me before I waded into the fray, you bastards just watched me getting into that pool without so much as a life jacket, bloody nkt!  Not to fear, I made it out the other side, but only just.  The good news is, I have rediscovered my love for blogging. 

Yes, it was almost gone.  No, I will not apologise.  Yes, you can call me names when I’m done. 

When I left I was contemplating a hiatus, a couple of months away from the endless foraging, maybe a chance to not have my words be the thing that define me.  See, over the last couple of months, I’ve been fortunate to get to know a couple of you in person, and while that isn’t a new thing for me, it’s been a bit of a revelation.  It would appear that in all my rambling, I may have inadvertently painted the picture of a loudmouth mama with a penchant for foul language, naked people and wine.  I have no idea how.  Stop laughing.  Now whilst I am that woman, I’m also a lot more.    

But sometimes even I forget.

It took a fortnight with the most peculiar people in this country, well, the minute part of this country that’s online, for me to realise how easy it is to get sucked into the ether of monologues and never ending drama.  And bile. 

I must detour here.  I don’t know what it is about those 140 thingis, but these our internets are home to some of the most ungracious people I’ve ever read.  Now it’s possible some of the people I saw talking six kinds of shit to each other have some long standing issues between them, but the amount of bile spewed on a daily basis is, frankly, shocking.  You know how I once called bloggers narcissist word whores?  I take it back.  We’re just word whores, aint got a thing on those narcissist buggers.  Self gratification is damn near an Olympic sport na huko, and that’s just in the morning, in the afternoon they beat up on the poor idiot who drives a Subaru (apparently a bad thing), or the girl who beat up on him for driving a Subaru, and then in the evening they talk shit about the people they are not sleeping with (more self gratification).  And then there’s the never ending bile towards serikali.  I thought I was harsh, but those buggers have GIFs, and serious entitlement issues.  What the hell?  Don't get me wrong, it’s brilliant, but so damn rude, and without so much as a disclaimer.  Shame man.  Hang on, so you think this will earn me some bile?  Probably, no?  Wait, I have barely any followers, I am not ‘someone’, thankfully.  Detour over. 

It’s easy to believe that your online persona is who you really are, especially after you go out of your way to craft the persona you think best represents you; clever, witty, sexy, whatever rocks your boat.  Then you step out your little cocoon and realise that it’s all a mirage.  Worse still, if you’re the deviant who chooses to be the local Dr Ruth (that would be me…ahem), then allegedly upstanding people treat you like the cousin from shags, choosing to see, and avoid, that which embarrasses them.  Useless story, a friend of mine, blogger as well, likes to complain that I don’t comment often enough on his blog, only to turn around and tell me that he can’t be seen here.  That’s right, he can’t have his mafans see him frolicking in the sewer, and he claims to frolic, because I am nothing but a sewer, whatever will they think of him?  This is a friend, so think how much worse it got with strangers over yonder.  Yup, that much worse.  Seems my (not so?) big brain and (way too) extensive interests don’t count for a damn thing when I write about sex. 

Well aint that a bitch? 

No, not really.

Many rivers to cross,
But just where to begin, I'm playing for time,
There've been times I find myself,
Thinking of committing some dreadful crime…

It’s easy to get carried away here, talking to myself, wrapped up in my peculiar obsessions and laughing at my own (hilarious) jokes, but this is not the real world, and this woman is not the real me.  She’s part of me, I suspect the better part of me (she doesn’t have the mood swings and the parara’d legs), but she is not all of me.  I’d like to think that I am greater than the sum of my parts.  To put it differently, I am not just the sewer lady.  You do not know me just because you’ve read me cry over a man, all you know is that I cried over a man, in most embarrassing fashion, a couple of times…  Hmmm…  Maybe you do know me, but not all of me.  Promise.  And given what you do know, that might actually be a good thing, no?  Thought so.  Folks, I blog to process my thoughts, but not all my thoughts (even I am not that foolish).  I process in public because I figure others out here have similar thoughts from time to time, and perhaps they’d like to see their strangeness reflected, if only partially.  Listen, I struggle to find people that sound like me, and so I figure that other people, possibly like me, are struggling too.  This blog is my way of saying, “Listen here world, we’re not all …………….insert relevant stereotype that offends you most (in my case: god-fearing, happily married with 2.5 kids, self-help book reading, women of substance)”.  Some of us like weird stuff, like sci-fi, and porn, and politics, and economics, and science, and sex, and art, and music that’s not on radio, and sports other than the ubiquitous football, and, gasp, books not written by idiots looking to sell us bullshit dressed as help (for real, I detest self-help books with a passion, if it’s self help, why are you here, bloody idiot?  Nkt!). 

I do have to apologise.  I’d forgotten why I was here.  I’d forgotten what it feels like to sit here and take something apart, and put it back together again, just for the hell of it.  I’d forgotten that online is just online, the real world is waiting for me when I log off.  How mad is it that it took the insanity of 140 characters to remind me, the woman who routinely puts out 2000 words, what I have here?  It’s good to be back in my house, been gone too long.

Yes, I've got many rivers to cross,
But I can't seem to find my way over,
Wandering, I am lost,
As I travel along the white cliffs of Dover…

Is it odd that this song sounds like coming home to me?  Jimmy Cliff released this song in 1969, back when almost all of us were still figments of our parents’ imaginations, and yet here he is.  Enjoy.  


Running late...

...but I'm almost home.  While you wait, wander over to Woolie's, he offered me shelter while I was out perambulating, but I had to sing for my supper, and oh how I sang.

In conversation with Alex


Manage your trois.

You know your life has taken a turn for the downright peculiar when you find yourself googling threesomes on a Saturday night, when you’re all alone.  I’m not talking about searching for dirty pictures and hot, I mean, nasty videos, I’m talking about looking for ’how to’ manuals, as in, how to have a threesome.  Wait, don’t dismiss this as one of my deviant tales offhand, let me explain...  No, actually this will most likely turn out to be a deviant tale.  I should disclaim.  Ladies and gentlemen, apologies for what I am about to subject you to.  I do not mean to be crude, but I will have to be.  I shall try not to be rude, but I will most probably be just that.  I have to go back into the sewer for a quick rummage, but here’s hoping I don’t get lost, and you don’t get mortally wounded.  If you do, apologies, thems the breaks, no?  Probably not.  Back to Saturday night.  I was looking for a helpful page, ideally with diagrams, describing the mechanics of three people shagging each other, the how, why and where, all scientific like.  And why was I searching?  Doesn’t everyone, eventually?  No?  You mean to tell me men don’t always talk about their threesome fantasies with you, or that you’ve had one yourself?  So it’s just me who doesn’t know how?  Haiya.

The threesome.  The holy grail of carnal pleasure, at least the way men tell it.  Men talk about three(or more)somes like it’s the best thing since the discovery of butter (for the sliced bread).  What could be better than one woman?  Apparently, two women, maybe more.  Thing is, gentlemen, and I’m guessing I’m not the only one who’s ever asked this question, how exactly do you shag two women at the same time?  Are they friends, or random women willing to get naked with each other, and you?  Are they bisexual, willing to shag each other, and you?  Are they both into you, and willing to share? Are they in fact fictional creations of your imagination?  I ask that last one not because I think men don’t have threesomes, but because I have met way too many men in way too many bars who claim they have, and I suspect they haven’t.  Lies, my lovelies, nothing but lies.  I’m starting to suspect that the ménage a trois is a bit of an urban myth, like how we know the meat in those muturas they sell on the side of the road don’t really have donkey meat in them, but we still claim they do.  Same with the man and his two women.  See, there is no way three people just fell into bed together, all casual like, I don’t care what these buggers say, shit like that doesn’t just happen, not even in the presence of great intoxication.  Or does it?

Now you know I’m a bit OCD when it comes to matters sex, never content to leave well enough alone.  It is for this reason that I went out in search of the truth, and I’ll be straight with you, I was hoping to find out that these things truly exist, because if a man can have two women, then there’s a remote possibility I can have two men, no?  I know, very altruistic of me.

First up, the what.  What is a threesome?  Stop laughing, not everyone knows, they think they know, but they don’t know, no?  No, everyone knows, but I like to read the scientists on the internet trying to complicate even the simplest issue. Cue Wikipedia, the (not) scientific experts.  In human sexuality, a threesome is sexual activity that involves three people at the same time. When sexual activity is centred on one of the threesome, then the activity may be described as a gang bang of the person. And they threw in a picture of two generously proportioned women and a man, all with their nininios exposed, just because.  Woi...  To the Urban Dictionary then, for real talk.  A threesome is the term which describes a sexual act involving three people, sometimes also referred to as a ménage a trois. A true threesome is when all three people have sex with each other, not when two people just have sex with one person and not each other.  Much clearer, no?  Three people having a shag.

Let us pause a minute and consider the permutations.  Men commonly assume that threesome is short for, ’me and two hot women’, but it’s not, it could be two men and one woman, or three women, or three men, or maybe even a man and two not hot women.  Who knew?  Yes, I am mocking you, gentlemen.  Thing is, if you read that definition as three people shagging each other, as opposed to two people shagging one person, then that would imply a certain level of bisexuality, no?  Stop giving me that look, you know I’m right.  If two girls get into bed with a man, and proceed to tweak with each others nipples, as well as his, then said girls are bisexual.  Same goes for the two men crossing swords over yonder, as they cavort with the lovely lady in between.  Threesomes are by definition bisexual activity.  I'm looking at M7 right now, because you know a macho man like him has to have had a couple of women at a go at least once in his lifetime, no?  Moving on swiftly.

Next up, why have a threesome?  Hands up if you just replied, ’Why not?’  Thought so, useless buggers, when has that answer even been good enough around here?  The right answer?  Fantasy.  We went over this last year, I won’t rehash the details except to say that both men and women fantasise about having sex with more than one person, of both genders.  Yes, gentlemen, you fantasise about other men, not just women.  It’s okay, that doesn’t make you gay.  Promise.  Bisexual, perhaps, but not gay.  Please ignore my evil laughter.  Ladies, stop smirking, you’re bisexual too, only when a girl says it it sounds sexier, no?  I’m not being sexist, women are actively encouraged to be more fluid sexually, because men like to think of women swinging any which way, as long as they're involved.   The men, however, never!  They're as straight as an arrow, allegedly.  How now?  We shall have this conversation one of these days, because this is a conversation worth having, but not today.  Why have a threesome, of whatever variety?  As it turns out, the answer actually is, because you can.  Apologies for calling you buggers useless, you are not lazy, you are most wise.  Or not.

Which brings me to the heart of the matter.  How do you have a threesome?  Literally, how?  I assume you don’t just walk up to a pair of buxom ladies, or strapping young lads in my case, and proposition them, or do you?  Wait, do you?  Haiya.  I should really get out more often.  For the rest of us propositionally challenged types, or perhaps just me, I think a bit of advice would come in handy.  Cue the dodgy sites on the interwebs, all claiming to have the answer.  Folks, it would appear that getting more than one person into your bed involves a bit more than drunken bravado.

Assuming you already have one lover, the first thing you need to do is gauge their level of freakiness.  How open are they to the idea of something other than run of the mill hetero sex?  Does your man frown at the thought of watching porn with you, calling it dirty, or evil?  Then odds are he won’t be too open to the idea of another man joining you.   Another woman maybe, but even that’s a bit of a hard sell. Does your lady think doggy style is a little too animal?  Then she probably won’t be too inclined to watch you make like a mammal with another woman, will she?  Because the internet is a lovely place, here’s a handy little test you can take, to find out if you’re both ready, The should you have a threesome Test.  Come on, you know you want to, what could be better than a dodgy test, from a dating site?  I mocked them, then I took the test.  Stop laughing, I am a complete sucker for online tests.  I failed, of course.  I have digressed.  Folks, the (s)experts say (Convince Her To Have A Threesome), before you bring up the idea of a plus one, you might want to first ease your lover into the wider world of kinky sex, yaani in more than one position.  A word of caution, they also say, “Bringing a guest star into your relationship for the night can have major repercussions - and if there isn’t a strong, established and mutual respect and trust between you and your girlfriend, things will implode.”  Implode, as in collapse inwards, as in be no more.  If you’re dating a jealous bastard, do not pull this stunt.  If you’re shagging a a crazy stalker of a woman, do not, ever, ever, throw another woman into that mix.  If your lover is even a wee bit unsure about how you feel for them, don’t go there.  It goes without saying that an ex is not recommended as a threesome partner, not unless you’re looking to implode shit.   Can you picture having sex with your current AND your ex?  Walalalalala...  Think, Vicky Christina Barcelona, but with angry black women.

If, however, you’re a lucky bugger and your lover is suitably unreserved, then by all means, bring up the threesome.  However, and there’s always a however, don’t demand one at 7 in the morning on the way to work, that will get you slapped, or shot.  Come slowly (I think I may have just punned...).  Use your fantasies, paint them a picture of all the alleged pleasure it will bring you both.  Better still, wait for them to unleash their threesome fantasy, and then nod and say, “Really? You want to try that? I guess we could, but only if you want to, baibee...”  Reverse psychology, works every time.  Yes, I’m quite fucking brilliant, and yes, you can thank me later.  What’s that?  It’s not one of their fantasies?  I refer you back to my earlier post, and the sewer in all our minds.  The fantasy is there, you just have to pull it out, my lovely, by any means necessary.

Once the idea has been accepted, all that’s left is to find a similarly minded idiot and voilà!  Your ménage awaits.

Oh joy!

Tell me, am I the only one with no female friends or acquaintances willing to shag my ass?  You have no idea how much I’m hoping someone else is shaking their head right now...  It’s not that I’m a prude (I’m not), or that I look like the back of a bus (I might), but I highly suspect none of my people is contemplating a quick roll in the hay with me, at least not the ones with ovaries.  Which is not to say that I would find it any easier to get a man to do it, how the hell do I ask a man if he wants to shag me and my man?   See, this is why fantasies remain fantasies, some things are almost impossible to pull off. Unless you have access to a large pool of willing, and freaky, accomplices, say, in some sort of swingers club (I don’t know, I’m just guessing...), then you will probably struggle to pull this off, right?   Wrong.  There’s a facebook page, hell, there’s even a sex advice columnist giving tips in an almost national newspaper, My Husband Has Agreed To A Threesome. A quick google of ’find a threesome Nairobi’ got me 1.95M results (soon to be 1.95M plus one, once I get tagged...hmmm...I didn’t think this plan through, or did I? Insert evil laugh here, my plan is coming together.  Ahem...).  Clearly there are people shagging in all manner of triumvirate ways in this town.  And y’all didn’t tell me, did you?  Greedy, hoarding, fucking bastards.  Nkt!  Useless detour, now I know why almost every bar I go to has a ’ménage a trois’ shooter on their cocktail list.  In fact, I’m looking at my barman in a whole new light.  Seriously though, if the fantasy is as popular as they say it is, then pulling a threesome off shouldn’t be that difficult, assuming a certain level of freakiness and/or willingness to copulate with possible strangers.  So why is this still an urban myth?  Anyone?

And it gets better.  Because life isn’t hard enough, even if you’re lucky enough to find a willing participant eager to take part in your three way of lust, you still have to consider the code of conduct.  Folks, there are rules to the trois.  Really.  It seems that you don’t just get down and dirty any which way you feel led, you have to consider feelings and shit.  You deviants didn’t think it would be that easy, did you?  You did, didn’t you?  Apologies.

Rule No.1: Establish the rules.
You have to agree on what you can or can’t do.  How far can you go, without your lady getting slightly miffed at the attention being shown to random other woman?  Are you allowed to to ride the other man, or is that cheating?  Is the extra person there to watch or participate, and to what extent?  This sounds like an kill joy rule, but think about it, what if you have a special move, you and your lover, that thing you only do on Christmas, every leap year, and she unleashes it for some langa guy you picked up on hornynairobi.com?  That’s just wrong, no?  Establish boundaries, but not so many boundaries that you only end up looking at each other.

Rule No. 2a: Give, and receive, all the time.
I know some of you men have visions of lying back and having two women fight over the pleasure of your dick, but alas, that will not be the case.  You have you put in the work, gentlemen, if you want to receive the pleasure, and the same applies to the ladies.  The general idea of three people shagging each other is all three being active, at the same time, otherwise it’s just consecutive sex with two people, a ménage a deux, times deux.

I don’t speaka da francais, clearly.  Woi...

Rule No. 2b: Leave no (wo)man behind.
You have to make sure that no one is left out, not unless exhibitionism is a deliberate part of your scenario.  Don’t get so caught up in your own pleasure that you forget the other person in the room, especially if the other person is your lover, the one you oh so craftily talked into this brilliant plan.   Remember my words, they may come back to bite you, should you ignore them.  And if you’re the third party in the x-rated little play, and you’re being neglected?  Well then, suck it up and move on, huko si kwako, and besides, you can take care of yourself, no?  How else did you end up with two people, neither of whom are yours?  Next time pick buggers who are not so selfish.  Just saying.

Rule No. 3: Don’t get it twisted.
This sex is not ’making love’ sex.  Unless you’re in love with the two buggers you’re shagging, in which case this is ’making love’ sex, in a polyamorous way.  Either way, this is not the ’I shag you while I look deep into your eyes’ shag, so don’t go getting emotionally hysterical over each other.  This is why you don’t three way with people you have deep seated romantic feelings for. Stop frowning, there is no way you can shag two people you love without one of the people you love thinking you love the other one more.  That’s just the way it goes, human frailty and such like nonsense.  And if you abhor the idea of shagging someone you don’t love?  Perhaps you have no business shagging anyone other than the one you love.  

Rule No. 4: Be safe.
Contrary to what our former speaker and such like idiots believe, condoms and contraception are not a bad thing, and neither are they illegal.  In case you remain unsure, our family courts are more than willing to convince you, nine months plus down the road, either that or you’ll make your doctor a rich(er) man.  Your choice.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve taken you as far as I can, the rest is up to you.  Go forth and trois, my lovelies, but if it goes wrong (and let’s face it, odds are it will, because you’re getting this information from the woman who was googling this on a Saturday night, all alone), don’t sue me, please.  If it goes well, however, I take all credit for your brilliance.  Feel free to tell me all about it, in detail.  I’m not kidding.  Yes, I am quite a deviant woman, with a fondness for free smut, but you already knew that, didn’t you?

On a completely unrelated note, I’m off on a bit of a walkabout, such as I do, recharge batteries, find a bit of silence, blah blah blah.  I’ll be gone at most two weeks, back here on 24th March, 10 pm, Nairobi time, latest.  Be good, try not to break anything while I’m gone, yes?  Good.


Conversating with a poet.

This month's willing accomplice (read victim) is Jodo, the man behind the Writers Club, the man I have been known to stalk on occasion.  Yes, I stalk the man, but only in the nicest way possible, and by that I mean I may have fawned over him in a most embarrassing fashion, such as I do.  Don't look at me like that, I gush and I'm proud of it, so there.  Ahem.  I could write some long winded explanation of why I love what, and how, he writes, but instead I'll tell you a story.  You know how I keep saying I don't get poetry?  Last month, he did a post called Kitendawili, a poem three lines long, three words in each.  I asked him what it was all about, all casual like, not wanting to look like a complete idiot, and he replied with three lengthy paragraphs, schooling me on bibi, babi and baba.  Ten words, three paragraphs.  To call the man fascinating is an understatement.  To wit, this conversation.  Heads up, if you don't speak Kiswahili, or sheng, you may need a translator.  I would have done it, but I'm lazy, and not particularly fluent in either.  And besides, I like how he sounds, the man has a flow about him.  Ladies and gentlemen, meet the poet. 

ALEX: Are you up for a little poking into your mind?

JODO: Poking...isn't a polite word. ;)

Hahahaha... No it isn't, but I couldn't think of a better one. How are you this morning?

Nimeamka poa. Niliamka na tune ya 'My Way' - Frank Sinatra [see playlist] ndio iko on replay.

I'd never have guessed. Sinatra?

Yes. Frank. Louis Amstrong, 'Wonderful World' [see playlist], it's a good morning.

When did you get into Sinatra, et al? It's not something I hear many people talking about, I was half expecting you to say Nas or something such like.

When? No date, used to listen to my father's tapes of Jim Reeves, na pia I explore expression after. Sijawai kutaka kua 'many people'. Nas pia is on my play lists, ana poetry. Umeamkaje?

Niliamka poa, nothing playing yet, listening to the church across the road.

Church is good, ata kama church kills God.

Church kills God? Are you an atheist, sir? Or just not a church goer? Hahahaha...

Haha. I believe in God. God is Love.

But church isn't? Love, that is.

Zii. Church ni social gathering. Pia sio building, Christians wanajua 'the body is the temple of the holy spirit', unapata? God is love. Love haiwezi kua church. God si church. Christians husema the church is the bride of Christ.

That doesn't sound like the churches around these days.

What does it sound like ?

These days the building seems to be bigger than God himself. Churches seem to be all about the physical, material, love I don't see too often. Hahahaha...

It's what it seems. God resides ndani ya kila mtu, but hakuna kitu mpya chini ya jua. Si unajua, ama unakumbuka, story ya Jesus Christ akiturn violent? Love...you don't see often. Juzi nilikua napitia sermon on the mountain - blessed are the pure in thought, they shall see God. Ile story ya beatitudes, Matthew 5 hapo.

So God, faith, is important to you?


Why the smile?

Hio swali imenichanganya. Yea, faith ni muhimu.

Do you consider yourself a moral person? Don't ask me what moral is... :-)

Hahahahaha. Kali. I try, but no.

I ask about moral because of your job, you've written about it several times.

My job is immoral. :)

But you've managed to reconcile it with your morals?

Kitu kama hio. Sijui ata morals zangu ni zipi, tuseme principles...what's the difference?

I have no idea, to be honest, I suspect they're the same thing. Morals, principles...a code you live by. What are your principles?

Hehe...eish. Sijawai kaa chini kuzijua kabisa, but nathink kuna vitu siezi fanya, like taking advantage of an intoxicated woman. I think nilitoa hio kwa movie, but sijui.

Hahahaha... That's honest. The job, are you part of the system? 'Hii system ni ya majambazi...' I dont know where that came from.

Honesty ni principle, ama? Yes, I'm in the system...'part of the system' unamean?

You talk about the job, serikali, with some distaste, like you see how rotten it is, but then you're in it, and you seem to like the work. I guess I'm wondering if you're conflicted...

Nathink 'the system' ni ile report ya jana, that % kubwa ya wealth, or more, iko na watu politically connected. Watu wanafaa kujua serikali, but ni watu wanafanya country isonge. Serikali sio kitu, ni watu, serikali ni mimi na wewe. Watu wanahold the reigns of this thing inaitwa government, ndio wanamisgovern. Conflicted, yes. Sijui kusema adequately vile itaeleweka...samaki huoza ikianza kwa kichwa. Inaitwa civil service, but hakuna service...na kama iko, sio civil. Unanipata?

You're an optimist, Jodo.


Yes, really.

Nimeona umerefer to Mashifta...

What happened to them, or am I the one who lost touch? Hahahaha... Probably.

Haujapoteza touch. Hizi siku hawako sana, but wanafanya stuff. Niko eternally grateful to Kalamashaka nikiona Juliani, and the vibrant entertainment scene.

What do you think of the music coming out these days? Who do you like?

Nimetry kufikiria artistes wengine, but nimeona ni songs moja moja zao nalike.

Let's start with Juliani then, educate me, I only know a couple of tracks, and even then kijuujuu... Is he as good as they say he is?  I keep reading that he's the real deal, ki Kshaka, conscious music, not kapuka like akina Prezzo. Then again, Ksouth had a track called kapuka so...

Kapuka serves a need. It is from the Ksouth song that baptised some songs as so.


Yea. Now am feeling low.

Why? What did I say, man?

Nimethink tu 'consciousness' haiko valued, na more knowledge more grief. Nimeamua kusikia 'Loliwe' ya Zahara [see playlist].

Beautiful song.

The lyrics pia ni fine tu sana. Simple. Ulikua unaulizia music...

...to figure out your writing, you reference music constantly.

I write to a beat. :) My heart beat.

Brilliant line. I will steal that. Hahahaha. Speaking of heartbeats, two women feature on the blog, recently at least. Your grandma and an unnamed woman. :-) Do you like writing about love?

Love. It's all I write. :)

This is why I like talking to you, never a simple answer.  

That's a simple answer. No?

No, it's a poet's answer.

Remember that Dylan quote - a poet is a naked person...

Bob Dylan I'm guessing. Writing about love, in all its forms, is it a poet thing?

Sijui about poets, najua tu there are two kinds of writers – poets...and liars?

Now that you have to explain. Hahahaha... Are you saying truth is poetry, or is it the other way around, poetry is truth?

Hehe. I picked it up from an old movie. Sasa umeamua za logics, design ya akina aristotle... Jesus aliulizwa na Pointius Pilate, 'What is truth?'

Na akasema...


Hahahahaha... Talk of truth always reminds me of Jack Nicholson, 'A Few Good Men', “You want truth? You can't handle truth...”


Luo. The elephant in the room these days it seems. From what I've been reading, being Luo is complicated. There's a Luo renaissance going on. Part pride, part anger, part shame...

Renaissance... I like that word. How is being Luo complicated?

Now you man, si I'm asking you?


Is being Luo any different from being Kuyo, or Kenyan for that matter?

Haven't been a 'kuyo'. :) And there is nothing like 'Kenyan', tutafika tu one day. I think sisi wote tuko different, individually na culturally. Kuna vile we perceive things as a group, and as we are percieved... But stereotypes pia ni a sort of laziness... Nikiparaphrase 'Up In The Air', it's faster na easier.

So, is the renaissance I'm seeing, reading, an attempt to refute the Luo stereotype?

OK. The Luo kuna vile wamebebwa na vile wamejibeba. Ukieza control mind ya mtu, utamcontrol.

Hang on, wamebebwa na wamejibeba?

How wako perceived and how they perceive themselves, kitu kama hio.

How do they perceive themselves?

Is it not evident in how 'they' carry themselves? Pride. How they are percieved - arrogant. Hio tu nasema ni juujuu, but there is more to it than that, unafaa utafute sociologist aseme. It is presumptuous of me to claim kua authority.

It's not about authority, I'm asking your opinion because I think your opinion is valid, useful. Why is it so hard for us to talk about tribe?

Hapo sasa. Nilikua nikuambie, now you can't avoid politics.

Why should we avoid politics? We both spend a fair bit of time throwing stones at politicians no?

Inarudi kwa kitu nilisikia kama wa Kshaka akisema, 'Kabila ni mbili tu - maskini na mdosi'. Politics is too important a thing to be left to politicians. Tulianza kuongea system na wealth inafuatana na power, mostly political. Unacheki ni cycle tu. Haufeel fire flani ndani yako? Truth si kitu easy. :) Uliquote Hollywood, 'can't handle the truth'.

You don't put much stock in tribe do you? From the Kshaka quote, sounds like you see past the myth.

Tribe ni muhimu from the point of view ya identity, a sense of belonging. Tukiongea ata kilinguistically, hii kilami tunaongea i.e. English, ni mother tongue ya England, French - France, German- Germany, Chinese – China... Think Maasai. Think names.


Hio ni part ndogo tu, but it all adds up kua culture ya mtu. Think Jews, Orthodox or non practising.

Now that's tricky. Their culture is entwined with their religion, actually, the religion is what binds them together. European, African, American...all Jews, but different cultures.

OK, that's tricky, true, but even within hizo communities wanaishi, kuna vile wako different na wana associate to each other as one. Religion yao kwao is a big part of their culture.

It's an all the time thing, not just on Sunday like the Christians. :-)

Hehe. Una ubaya na Christians.

Hahahaha. Uchokozi.

Eddie Griffin hulike pia kuwachokoza. Christianity ni kama convinience, ama ya kuandikwa kwa C.V.

You know. I'm bothered by people using religion as an excuse for...foolishness...

Foolishness is a human right. :) What sort of folly?

The folly of being passive, refusing to question, forgive and forget, love thy neighbour. What if my neighbour is a thieving idiot? Hahahaha. We have digressed... Tribe, identity, culture. Are we doomed as a country to remain separate but equal? Kila mtu na chake and God for us all?

It's not a country thing, it's human. Cry, beloved country? :)

Why cry when I can mock endlessly? :-) Any thoughts on Boniface?

Boniface Mwangi. Yule alisema 'ameretire' from activism juu ya selfishness yetu, watu wa kenya? Thoughts...about nini haswa?

About his 'activism', retirement, selfish Kenyans...

He played his part. Kuna ile poem ya lauryn hill, 'Motives and Thoughts' [see playlist]. Story ni yeye ndio anajua nini alikua ameset out kuachieve, hadi aka choka. Siri ni ya watu watatu, 'shetani, mungu na wewe'. The backstory. Ametushow that activism ni choice.

Do you think of yourself as an activist? I know its become a bad word these days, but I mean it in the simplest sense, agitating for change. :-)


Have you always been?

I want to believe I have.

How old are you Jodo? And do you play bball? Hahahaha...

29 in may. No, I don't play bball.

You can't be called Jodo and not play ball, that's an...oxymoron? I'm from the Michael Jordan era, clearly.

Actually jodo ni martial art, ama ni a short bamboo stick inatumika kwa martial art ya Japan.

Are you a karate expert?

I'm no expert. An admirer of arts. Nilijoin karate club in high school as a buffer for bullies.

Born and bred in Nai?

Nairobi born and bred.


Hapo sasa.

You've done a couple of posts about the other side of the highway, is there a divide in our lovely city? :-)

:) The city in the sun.

Because other cities have no sun. Ha! We are quite special, us Nairobians.

Unique. We feel special...or think we are.

Pride. Seen as arrogance. :-)


The divide, is it east and west, or rich and poor?

Ni universal. Nikiendeleza what umesema, east - china- poor - bad...west- good- rich...

But west has poor too, and east has rich.

True. Kuna place ya the rich na the poor everywhere, like birds of a feather.

Our governor, any progress being made?

Nice traffic lights...

Hahahaha. Very fancy, no?

Uliniita optimist. Fancy. :) This is a city!!

Not a city, THE city. In the sun. With a park.

Hapo sawa. Haha. Progress...sijui. Ama hana PR machinery poa.

Unlike Alfred?

Phd in journalism, but at least kuna steps made. Hata hivo, swali ni expectations zetu ni nini, as Wanairobi.

That was my next question, what are you hoping for?

Better days. :) Clean city, clean streets. Security. Planned developments. I want more. Traffic iwe better, affordable housing for all, maji...and so on.

Do you know who your ward rep is?

'Mbunge wangu simjui/ alidisappear after election/ lakini najua zikikaribia zitareappear kam christ resurrection!' - Kshaka

Hahahahahaha...so true. I know my MP...

:) Good, knowledge is power. I know my president.

...nilimwona TV kule Kisumu akishughulikia mambo ya party elections. :-D Ward rep I have no clue.

Hahahaha. Pole. Inaitwa democrazy.

I blame myself...

Don't. Why do you?

Kidero invited the public for consultations for the budget, but I'm too busy, no? Then I complain I wasn't consulted, na consultant simjui? My fault.

It isn't a coalition government, inakaa kwetu it's just an attempt for show. It's all our fault, our leaders are a reflection of us. However, I want to know that what I say will be taken seriously. Ati mwanamume ni effort. Tsk.

How to get heard, that's the issue. Pull a Boniface with foam babies, or Omtatah with chains. Or Jodo with poems...

First, true revolutionaries do not flaunt their radicalism. They cut their hair, put on suits and infiltrate the system from within." - Saul Alinsky. Second ni the education, na the unlearning of all we've heard of. Politics as politricks...is a dirty game. It. Is. Not. A. Game!

But a cynic would argue that life is all a game, pata potea.

It is. But then again it isn't. :)

Hahahaha. It's complicated.

We need to redefine what 'politics' is.

What is politics, issues or competitions?

Politics, sijui ni nini. By definition, wanasema ni vile tunaeza get kugovern, vile power inaeza tumika kushare resources.

But we can't all govern, can we?

We can all govern. We all govern. The basic unit of government is the family. Our contribution iko from nyumbani, to shule, to work na hivo.

So, rethink our politics, infiltrate the system, rebuild from the bottom up, as well as top down?

Haha. By any means necessary. Rethink ourselves and the role we 'play'. ;)

Last question. What question haven't I asked, that you want to answer? 

Haha.... Naskiza Susan Boyle singing 'I dreamed a dream' [see playlist].

Your playlist is bloody amazing, so random. :-)  Continue...

Sijui swali ipi hujaniuliza na ningetaka uniulize.

I have one, why do you sound like two different people?

Huh? Aje hivo? Hehehe.

On the blog you're the Queen's English spouting poet. On email, and now chat, you're the guy from across the way. You're bilingual. :-)

Hehe. Nikiwa campo, ata nishawai kushow, when a friend heard me speak English alisema ni kama am speaking in tongues.

Is what I'm saying...

Hio swali sina jibu.

I know, that's why I asked. :-) Thank you for your morning sir, it's been really good.

Imekua poa, thanks sana. Blessed. Something random, a prayer: God bless the work of my words.