You know your life has taken a turn for
the downright peculiar when you find yourself googling threesomes on
a Saturday night, when you’re all alone. I’m not talking about
searching for dirty pictures and hot, I mean, nasty videos, I’m
talking about looking for ’how to’ manuals, as in, how to have a
threesome. Wait, don’t dismiss this as one of my deviant tales
offhand, let me explain... No, actually this will most likely turn
out to be a deviant tale. I should disclaim. Ladies and gentlemen,
apologies for what I am about to subject you to. I do not mean to be
crude, but I will have to be. I shall try not to be rude, but I will
most probably be just that. I have to go back into the sewer for a
quick rummage, but here’s hoping I don’t get lost, and you don’t
get mortally wounded. If you do, apologies, thems the breaks, no? Probably not. Back to Saturday night. I was looking for a helpful
page, ideally with diagrams, describing the mechanics of three people
shagging each other, the how, why and where, all scientific like. And why was I searching? Doesn’t everyone, eventually? No? You
mean to tell me men don’t always talk about their threesome
fantasies with you, or that you’ve had one yourself? So it’s
just me who doesn’t know how? Haiya.
The threesome. The holy grail of
carnal pleasure, at least the way men tell it. Men talk about
three(or more)somes like it’s the best thing since the discovery of
butter (for the sliced bread). What could be better than one woman? Apparently, two women, maybe more. Thing is, gentlemen, and I’m
guessing I’m not the only one who’s ever asked this question, how
exactly do you shag two women at the same time? Are they friends, or
random women willing to get naked with each other, and you? Are they
bisexual, willing to shag each other, and you? Are they both into
you, and willing to share? Are they in fact fictional creations of
your imagination? I ask that last one not because I think men don’t
have threesomes, but because I have met way too many men in way too
many bars who claim they have, and I suspect they haven’t. Lies,
my lovelies, nothing but lies. I’m starting to suspect that the
ménage a trois is a bit of an urban myth, like how we know
the meat in those muturas they sell on the side of the road
don’t really have donkey meat in them, but we still claim they do. Same with the man and his two women. See, there is no way three
people just fell into bed together, all casual like, I don’t care
what these buggers say, shit like that doesn’t just happen, not
even in the presence of great intoxication. Or does it?
Now you know I’m a bit OCD when it
comes to matters sex, never content to leave well enough alone. It
is for this reason that I went out in search of the truth, and I’ll
be straight with you, I was hoping to find out that these things
truly exist, because if a man can have two women, then there’s a
remote possibility I can have two men, no? I know, very altruistic
of me.
First up, the what. What is a
threesome? Stop laughing, not everyone knows, they think they know,
but they don’t know, no? No, everyone knows, but I like to read
the scientists on the internet trying to complicate even the simplest
issue. Cue Wikipedia, the (not) scientific experts. In human sexuality, a threesome
is sexual activity that involves three people at the same time. When
sexual activity is centred on one of the threesome, then the activity
may be described as a gang bang of the person. And they threw in a picture of two generously proportioned women and
a man, all with their nininios exposed, just because. Woi... To the Urban Dictionary then, for real talk. A threesome is the term which describes a sexual
act involving three people, sometimes also referred to as a ménage a
trois. A true threesome is when all three people have sex with each
other, not when two people just have sex with one person and not each
other. Much clearer, no? Three people having a shag.
Let us pause a minute and consider the
permutations. Men commonly assume that threesome is short for, ’me
and two hot women’, but it’s not, it could be two men and one
woman, or three women, or three men, or maybe even a man and two not
hot women. Who knew? Yes, I am mocking you, gentlemen. Thing is, if you read that definition as three people shagging each
other, as opposed to two people shagging one person, then that would
imply a certain level of bisexuality, no? Stop giving me that look,
you know I’m right. If two girls get into bed with a man, and
proceed to tweak with each others nipples, as well as his, then said
girls are bisexual. Same goes for the two men crossing swords over
yonder, as they cavort with the lovely lady in between. Threesomes
are by definition bisexual activity. I'm looking at M7 right now,
because you know a macho man like him has to have had a couple of
women at a go at least once in his lifetime, no? Moving on swiftly.
Next up, why have a threesome? Hands
up if you just replied, ’Why not?’ Thought so, useless buggers,
when has that answer even been good enough around here? The right
answer? Fantasy. We went over this last year,
I won’t rehash the details except to say that both men and women
fantasise about having sex with more than one person, of both
genders. Yes, gentlemen, you fantasise about other men, not just
women. It’s okay, that doesn’t make you gay. Promise. Bisexual, perhaps, but not gay. Please ignore my evil laughter. Ladies, stop smirking, you’re bisexual too, only when a girl says
it it sounds sexier, no? I’m not being sexist, women are actively
encouraged to be more fluid sexually, because men like to think of
women swinging any which way, as long as they're involved. The men,
however, never! They're as straight as an arrow, allegedly. How
now? We shall have this conversation one of these days, because this
is a conversation worth having, but not today. Why have a threesome,
of whatever variety? As it turns out, the answer actually is,
because you can. Apologies for calling you buggers useless, you are
not lazy, you are most wise. Or not.
Which brings me to the heart of the
matter. How do you have a threesome? Literally, how? I assume you
don’t just walk up to a pair of buxom ladies, or strapping young
lads in my case, and proposition them, or do you? Wait, do you? Haiya. I should really get out more often. For the rest of us
propositionally challenged types, or perhaps just me, I think a bit
of advice would come in handy. Cue the dodgy sites on the interwebs,
all claiming to have the answer. Folks, it would appear that getting
more than one person into your bed involves a bit more than drunken
bravado.
Assuming
you already have one lover, the first thing you need to do is gauge
their level of freakiness. How open are they to the idea of
something other than run of the mill hetero sex? Does your man frown
at the thought of watching porn with you, calling it dirty, or evil? Then odds are he won’t be too open to the idea of another man
joining you. Another woman maybe, but even that’s a bit of a hard
sell. Does your lady think doggy style is a little too animal? Then
she probably won’t be too inclined to watch you make like a mammal
with another woman, will she? Because the internet is a lovely
place, here’s a handy little test you can take, to find out if
you’re both ready, The should you have a threesome Test. Come on, you know you want to, what could be better than a dodgy
test, from a dating site? I mocked them, then I took the test. Stop
laughing, I am a complete sucker for online tests. I failed, of course. I have digressed. Folks, the (s)experts say (Convince Her To Have A Threesome),
before you bring up the idea of a plus one, you might want to first
ease your lover into the wider world of kinky sex, yaani in more than
one position. A word of caution,
they also say, “Bringing a guest star into your
relationship for the night can have major repercussions - and if
there isn’t a strong, established and mutual respect and trust
between you and your girlfriend, things will implode.” Implode, as in collapse inwards, as in be no more. If you’re
dating a jealous bastard, do not pull this stunt. If you’re
shagging a a crazy stalker of a woman, do not, ever, ever, throw
another woman into that mix. If your lover is even a wee bit unsure
about how you feel for them, don’t go there. It goes without
saying that an ex is not recommended as a threesome partner, not
unless you’re looking to implode shit. Can you picture having sex
with your current AND your ex? Walalalalala... Think, Vicky Christina Barcelona, but with angry black women.
If, however, you’re a lucky bugger
and your lover is suitably unreserved, then by all means, bring up
the threesome. However, and there’s always a however, don’t
demand one at 7 in the morning on the way to work, that will get you
slapped, or shot. Come slowly (I think I may have just punned...). Use your fantasies, paint them a picture of all the alleged pleasure
it will bring you both. Better still, wait for them to unleash their
threesome fantasy, and then nod and say, “Really? You want to
try that? I guess we could, but only if you want to, baibee...” Reverse psychology, works every time. Yes, I’m quite fucking
brilliant, and yes, you can thank me later. What’s that? It’s
not one of their fantasies? I refer you back to my earlier post, and
the sewer in all our minds. The fantasy is there, you just have to
pull it out, my lovely, by any means necessary.
Once the idea has been accepted, all
that’s left is to find a similarly minded idiot and voilà! Your
ménage awaits.
Oh joy!
Tell me, am I the only one with no
female friends or acquaintances willing to shag my ass? You have no
idea how much I’m hoping someone else is shaking their head right
now... It’s not that I’m a prude (I’m not), or that I look
like the back of a bus (I might), but I highly suspect none of my
people is contemplating a quick roll in the hay with me, at least not
the ones with ovaries. Which is not to say that I would find it any
easier to get a man to do it, how the hell do I ask a man if he wants
to shag me and my man? See, this is why fantasies remain fantasies,
some things are almost impossible to pull off. Unless you have
access to a large pool of willing, and freaky, accomplices, say, in
some sort of swingers club (I don’t know, I’m just guessing...),
then you will probably struggle to pull this off, right? Wrong. There’s a facebook page,
hell, there’s even a sex advice columnist giving tips in an almost
national newspaper,
My Husband Has Agreed To A Threesome. A quick google of ’find a threesome Nairobi’ got me 1.95M results (soon to be 1.95M plus one, once I get
tagged...hmmm...I didn’t think this plan through, or did I? Insert
evil laugh here, my plan is coming together. Ahem...). Clearly there are
people shagging in all manner of triumvirate ways in this town. And
y’all didn’t tell me, did you? Greedy, hoarding, fucking
bastards. Nkt! Useless detour, now I know why almost every bar I go
to has a ’ménage a trois’ shooter on their cocktail list. In fact, I’m looking at my barman in a whole new light. Seriously though, if the fantasy is as popular as they say it is,
then pulling a threesome off shouldn’t be that difficult, assuming
a certain level of freakiness and/or willingness to copulate with
possible strangers. So why is this still an urban myth? Anyone?
And it gets better. Because life isn’t
hard enough, even if you’re lucky enough to find a willing
participant eager to take part in your three way of lust, you still
have to consider the code of conduct. Folks, there are rules to the
trois. Really. It seems that you don’t just get down and
dirty any which way you feel led, you have to consider feelings and
shit. You deviants didn’t think it would be that easy, did you? You did, didn’t you? Apologies.
Rule No.1:
Establish the rules.
You have to agree
on what you can or can’t do. How far can you go, without your lady
getting slightly miffed at the attention being shown to random other
woman? Are you allowed to to ride the other man, or is that
cheating? Is the extra person there to watch or participate, and to
what extent? This sounds like an kill joy rule, but think about it,
what if you have a special move, you and your lover, that thing you only do on Christmas, every leap year, and she
unleashes it for some langa guy you picked up on hornynairobi.com? That’s
just wrong, no? Establish boundaries, but not so many boundaries
that you only end up looking at each other.
Rule No. 2a:
Give, and receive, all the time.
I know some of you
men have visions of lying back and having two women fight over the
pleasure of your dick, but alas, that will not be the case. You have
you put in the work, gentlemen, if you want to receive the pleasure,
and the same applies to the ladies. The general idea of three people
shagging each other is all three being active, at the same time,
otherwise it’s just consecutive sex with two people, a ménage a
deux, times deux.
I don’t speaka da francais, clearly. Woi...
Rule No. 2b:
Leave no (wo)man behind.
You have to make
sure that no one is left out, not unless exhibitionism is a
deliberate part of your scenario. Don’t get so caught up in your
own pleasure that you forget the other person in the room, especially
if the other person is your lover, the one you oh so craftily talked
into this brilliant plan. Remember my words, they may come back to
bite you, should you ignore them. And if you’re the third party in
the x-rated little play, and you’re being neglected? Well then,
suck it up and move on, huko si kwako, and
besides, you can take care of yourself, no? How else did you end up
with two people, neither of whom are yours? Next time pick buggers
who are not so selfish. Just saying.
Rule No. 3:
Don’t get it twisted.
This sex is not
’making love’ sex. Unless you’re in love with the two buggers
you’re shagging, in which case this is ’making love’ sex, in a
polyamorous way. Either way, this is not the ’I shag you while I
look deep into your eyes’ shag, so don’t go getting emotionally
hysterical over each other. This is why you don’t three way with
people you have deep seated romantic feelings for. Stop frowning,
there is no way you can shag two people you love without one of the
people you love thinking you love the other one more. That’s just
the way it goes, human frailty and such like nonsense. And if you abhor
the idea of shagging someone you don’t love? Perhaps you have no
business shagging anyone other than the one you love.
Rule No. 4: Be
safe.
Contrary to what
our former speaker and such like idiots believe, condoms and
contraception are not a bad thing, and neither are they illegal. In
case you remain unsure, our family courts are more than willing to
convince you, nine months plus down the road, either that or you’ll
make your doctor a rich(er) man. Your choice.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve taken you
as far as I can, the rest is up to you. Go forth and trois,
my lovelies, but if it goes wrong (and let’s face it, odds are it
will, because you’re getting this information from the woman who was
googling this on a Saturday night, all alone), don’t sue me, please. If it goes well, however, I take all credit for your brilliance. Feel free to tell me all about it, in detail. I’m not kidding. Yes, I am quite a deviant woman, with a fondness for free smut, but
you already knew that, didn’t you?
POSTSCRIPT
On a completely unrelated note, I’m
off on a bit of a walkabout, such as I do, recharge batteries, find a
bit of silence, blah blah blah. I’ll be gone at most two weeks,
back here on 24th March, 10 pm, Nairobi time, latest. Be good, try
not to break anything while I’m gone, yes? Good.
