Operation Usalama (What?): A blogger’s guide.

Being that I am a most loyal Kenyan, I feel I must engage in my constitutionally mandated role of self-securing citizen and ensure that everyone entering this most secure blog is neither agent of terror or malcontent intent on destroying the precious, unblemished fabric of our nation.  To this end, could the following individuals kindly exit this blog, forthwith:

1.      Anyone not in possession of a government issue pass book, sorry, identification card duly issued by, or procured from, the appropriate government department/official, because terrorists do not carry identification, ever. 

PUBLIC NOTICE: You will be required to show your documents at all times, especially if you post a comment.

2.      Anyone who does not bear either immunization mark or acceptable command of Kiswahili, and therefore cannot possibly be a citizen of this fair land, because every single Kenyan has access to decent post-natal care and education. 

PUBLIC NOTICE: All citizens are now multilingual, and safe from Diphtheria. 

3.      Anyone carrying a bag of unspecified size and/or contents; or any unknown liquids, powders, tools or farming inputs; or arms (guns, not appendages…wait, suspicious appendages aren’t welcome either, we can’t be having octopi running amok in this republic); in any unmarked Toyota’s, especially proboxes; or any other suspicious items that may not be easily recognizable to our security services, such as a mildly rational intellect.

PUBLIC NOTICE: Everyone is now a potential terrorist and will be treated as such. 

4.      Anyone who is not a legal resident of Kenya.  Unless, that is, you are in possession of significant amounts of foreign currency and a deep seated desire to spread said wealth (legally, please) in the numerous hotels, whore houses and game parks our country is famous for, BUT without the deep seated desire to procure any animal parts or illegal drugs, by way of collusion with our patriotic citizens, for the purpose of funding acts of terrorism against our fair land.

PUBLIC NOTICE: As being an illegal resident (or a refugee) is now a crime, and any and all acts of crime are now acts of terrorism, all foreigners committing said acts of illegality are members of Al Shabaab. 

5.      Anyone who for some peculiar reason, say genetics, does not look exactly like us, and by us they mean the descendants of the first (or second, or third) people who migrated into said fair land, way, way, waaay back when, and therefore qualify as the only real citizens of this country, because only really black black people (not a typo) have ever settled here, since the beginning of time. 

PUBLIC NOTICE: Brown is not a patriotic colour, not unless you’re a hot yellow yellow reading the news on a government approved TV station, or the leader of the majority in Parliament, or Manu Chandaria and such like captains of industry. 

ANOTHER PUBLIC NOTICE: White is a very patriotic colour, we have no problem with those (dual?) citizens, they flew here, see?

6.      Anyone who has not regularly spied on their ten neighbours.  If you do not know what time your neighbour takes his morning dump (weapons of mass des…sorry), or where she buys her deliciously firm melons (incendiary devices, wink wink…), or where their kids go for Sunday School (possible madrassa thingi, see?), you are failing your country. 

PUBLIC NOTICE: Everyone is now a spy.  Unless they’re a terrorist.

7.      Anyone who in the act of citizenry of said land has expressed dismay at the manner in which fellow citizens of high standing may be conducting affairs of the state.  This includes those noisy buggers who in the recent past may have questioned our president’s continued absence from our fair land, especially in times of crisis, or who may have, on occasion, used one of the many unpatriotic isms oft spouted by activist cum sympathiser types.

PUBLIC NOTICE: Dissent is unpatriotic, neglect is not.

8.      Anyone who is actually a terrorist, because I know what honest people you are and I can therefore trust that you will declare yourselves to me, willingly, if only to keep me from getting shot in the ass when you get taken out by whoever is taking these buggers out. 

PERSONAL NOTICE: Stay well away from me, my terror inclined reader, the po-lice buggers don’t aim, they spray (see, random person killed alongside Makaburi) and I have no intention of being that guy. 

Right then, all the unsavoury people gone?  Good.  Let’s get on with it. 

Hang on, what about my…  Give me a few minutes, I need to delete a couple of dodgy posts real quick, and maybe a few songs, and definitely the other blog…

Ah crap!

I gotta go…