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“I gotta get to know ya…”

If only all our dates were like this song, life would be so much easier no?  More importantly, if only our dates looked like Maxwell, life would be that much more pleasant.  Then again, the man likes men.  Lakini the way he sings...  I could be swayed into ignoring the whole ’batting for the other side’ thing... 

It’s Monday morning so I figure there’s no point trying too hard to be my normally very brilliant and luminous self (if that didnt make you laugh then we're not on the same page here...).  Seeing as how my (and I use this term most loosely) dating career is not going too well right now, I thinking perhaps its best to share a few tips and pointers to the rest of you in the hope that my experiences can serve a greater purpose.  Other than making you laugh.  At me. 

FOR THE LADIES…

The following is a list of what to expect if a man asks you out on a date in this city.  Please note that this list in not in any particular order of importance and is not comprehensive. 

1. He probably will not call to say he’s running late.
2. He definitely will not call to say he can’t make it.
3. He will show up in a t-shirt, baggy jeans and sandals.
4. He will not buy you a drink, unless he knows he’s taking you home, to shag you.
5. If he does buy you a drink, he will insist on buying you the most potent but affordable drink, Sambuca not Hennessy.
6. He will not buy you dinner, unless he knows he’s taking you home, to shag you.
7. He considers dragging you to the bar to watch football with his boys a date, especially if he buys you nyama, which counts as dinner, therefore he’s taking you home, to shag you.
8. He only gets up to dance at mugithi night, and stag nights.
9. He believes sex is an important, nay, the most important part of dating.
10. He thinks sex should last no longer than 15 minutes, including foreplay.
11. He thinks foreplay is a fancy way of saying get naked.
12. He assumes that you know that he has another woman, and you’re okay with it.
13. He assumes that you know that you are the woman on the side, and you’re okay with it.
14. He assumes that you will not be there when he gets up in the morning.
15. He assumes that if you are there in the morning, you will make him breakfast, and do laundry.

FOR THE GENTLEMEN…

A brief note first, if you ask a woman out you will get one of three things:

1. her and her friend(s) (if she’s under 25), or
2. her and her monumental appetite for all things expensive, but only if you’re paying (and if she’s under 35, you’re definitely paying!), or
3. her and the monumental chip on her shoulder (if she's over 35).

Assuming you can look past this, this is what you have to look forward to:

1. She will be late.
2. She will be wearing either too much hair and not enough clothing, or too much clothing and not enough hair.
3. She will order the most expensive meal on the menu, but she will not eat it because she's on a water diet.
4. She will not order water.
5. She will order the most expensive drink on the menu, but she will not know how to drink it, or pronounce it.
6. She will get very drunk on said expensive drinks and either throw up, black out or pick a fight, or all three.
7. She will spend all evening bitching, either about her ex who didn’t marry her or her ex friend whom he did marry.
8. She will spend all evening bitching, either about her ex who’s her baby daddy or her ex friend whose baby daddy her ex also is.
9. She will spend all evening bitching about the hot young girls you keep staring at.
10. She will wear impossibly high shoes, that she will then take off in the club.
11. She will carry an impossibly large bag, that she will then leave in your care, along with the shoes, in the club.
12. She will not carry any cab fare for the trip home, but she will carry a toothbrush, and pair of sandals, just in case.
13. She will steal your DVD player in the morning, should you take her home.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.