Many weeks ago, I asked for my John Wayne, and I’m proud to report that I found him. A lovely man who likes to talk, and cook, and drink cheap booze, and watch naija movies at 11 pm… It’s just lovely. What? You’re bothered by the line about naija movies? Come on now, we all watch those movies, how else is Citizen TV the number one station, salons aren’t open at night are they? But I digress. I found my John Wayne , but, unfortunately, he’s more like Jane Wayne
If you’re done laughing at me, can I proceed?
With recent cowboy search failure in mind, I think it’s time to get a bit scientific in my search. I’ve created… wait for it… a cowboy questionnaire. Good plan, no? No? Screw you, you probably already have your own cowboy, you selfish cow! Now the idea of a form came to me courtesy of two blogs (of course), the first a deviant allegedly conducting research into body image and such like nonsense, and the second belonging to a creative young man who decided to simplify his dating life (application to be Adam's girlfriend). I read, laughed and moved on, but it got me thinking, wouldn’t life be much easier if you could conduct interviews for significant others, beneficial friends, potential John Wayne
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Kai Nikii
SECTION A: BASIC SCREENING
Do you own a book, excluding the bible, or a diary?
a. yes
b. no
If you answered b, thank you for your time, your presence will no longer be required.
Was the last book you read a:
a. crime thriller
b. romance
c. biography
d. self help guide
e. school textbook
f. Bill Bryson
If you answered b or d, please leave. If you answered e, please indicate your parent’s phone number on the top left corner of the page, and then leave. If you answered f, go straight to section D.
Do you own a CD, compact disc not condom?
a. yes
b. no
If you answered b, you have no idea what’s going on here, please make your way to the exit.
Do you own a Bob Marley
a. yes
b. no
If you answered b, you have no soul. Thank you for your interest, maybe next time.
SECTION B: APPEARANCE
When changing a light bulb, do you:
a. simply reach up and unscrew it
b. use a step ladder to reach it
c. call the caretaker
d. call your wife/mother
If you answered affirmative to anything but a, you’re either a midget or a lazy bastard, or you’re already living with a woman. Go away.
Do you own:
a. safari boots
b. Italian loafers
c. pointy toed patent leather shoes
d. comfortable shoes
If you answered affirmative to any but d, you’re either a Peugeot-owning 60 year old, a metrosexual or you’re gay. You can leave now.
SECTION C: FINANCIALS
Do you have a source of income?
a. yes
b. no
If you answered b, please leave, but before you do, tell me, who bought you that CD? If they're male, please ask them to apply for the position.
Is this source of income:
a. legal
b. not entirely legal, but doesn’t involve murder
c. illegal, but doesn’t involve murder
d. any other
If you answered b, you’re either a lawyer or banker, I have no time for your kind, make your way to the exit, try not to charge anyone in the process. If you answered d, please don’t kill me, I promise not to reveal your identity.
Do you own any livestock or pets?
a. yes
b. no
If you answered b, what’s wrong with you man? Bugger off! Any self-respecting man must own at least an animal or two, even if its only by proxy. And small dogs don’t count.
Are your livestock:
a. cows
b. chicken
c. pigs
d. any other
If you answered anything but a, get out. The only animals I wish to have in my life are creatures you can milk and I can eat as steak. Hence, COWboy.
SECTION D: INTERESTS
Do you watch:
a. football
b. rugby/basketball
c. news
d. the wedding show
e. porn
f. Family TV
g. Olympic gymnastics
h. Oprah
i. wrestling
If you answered b, you must have been a player (they’re the only people who understand those games) in which case you’re an attention-seeking man-whore, leave now. If you answered d, g or h, you must be gay, or at the very least bisexual, either way, you have an identity crisis so leave now as well, unless you answered i also, in which case we’ll see. If you answered f, you need Jesus , not me.
SECTION E: SEXUAL HISTORY
Do you own a CD, condom not compact disc?
a. yes
b. no
If you answered b, really? How did your idiot ass get this far? Get out you foolish man, I don’t care how much wrestling you watch!
When was the last time you had sex?
a. today morning
b. today afternoon
c. within the last month
d. within the last six months
e. within the last year
f. over a year ago
If you answered a or c, you’re either living with your girlfriend or married, and I have no interest in being your clande, so walk on by. If you answered b, you were with your clande, you nasty man, bugger off. If you answered f, you're either reformed or deformed, either way you scare me, please leave.
Did you have said sex with another person?
a. yes
b. no
If you answered a, you've either been dipping into the ex cookie jar, in which case past relationship details must be provided before you may progress, or you are a serial funga-rer, in which case you're a bit of a whore and are therefore deemed unsuitable.
Last, but not least, was said other person of the same sex?
a. yes
b. yes, and no
c. no
If you answered a, how did you get this far? You must be a Bryson fan. Sorry dear, you don’t get a rose, but we should definitely do coffee and become BFF’s.
If you answered b, you’re a freaky bastard aren’t you? Perhaps we can work something out, forward relevant details immediately.
And as for the one remaining candidate who answered c, congratulations, you are my John Wayne
Hang on, is that you Priscilla ? How did you get past security? Dammit! Now I have to start all over again...
