Why do the women in action films
always, make that only, wear push-up bras?
I realise that most action movies are
made for men, by men, but given that my half of the species also has
eyes, and money to spend, and a mild propensity for mindless
violence, you'd think the buggers would at least try to consult a
woman when making their explosion fests, no? No. If I had a
shilling for every movie I've watched with a scantily clad woman,
always in a push-up bra, serving no purpose other than to titillate
the audience, I would be a bloody millionaire. 'Well, thousandaire,
surely I can't have watched a million action movies, what am I, idle?' she scoffs, slowly nudging her stack(s) of bootleg tapes and DVD's further
under the table, all surreptitious like. What? Yes, I have video
tapes, it's not like you can throw them away? Ah shit, I'm so
analogue it's embarrassing. Moving on swiftly... It used to be
scantily clad women hanging around in movies like accessories, but
the feminists raised a stink and now the scantily clad women have
guns too, and occasionally save the world. In push-up bras. Oh joy!
Now I don’t know about other women,
but when I'm looking to get into some strenuous activities of the
saving the planet (read, America) variety, I like to put on a
comfortable bra, one that has no under-wires eating into my rib cage,
and no dodgy cups pushing my twins up as close to my chin as
possible. But these women on screen? No no no... These women are
wearing lovely, delicate, little bras designed to lift and separate,
and expose, and this as they get thrown around the room by
people/things twice their size, running 100m dashes in two seconds
and blowing up a loose building. How now? Mr movie director, I'm
sure in your fantasies a woman will scale a 10 foot wall with ease in
nothing but Victoria's Secret lace underwear, but in the real world,
I assure you, she will not. It's not that she can't, it's just that
she doesn’t need her fun bags, and other, getting in the way of her
speedy escape, not if she can help it. Women are nothing if not
practical, and if I know I'm going to chase a bad guy halfway around
the city, on foot, possibly culminating in fisticuffs, you
have to know I'll strap those babies down good and tight. You can't
have them flapping about while you sprint, that shit is
uncomfortable. Worse still, imagine them swinging in the face of the
villain while you bitch slap his ass, what if he pulls a Justin on
your Janets and malfunctions your wardrobe? Life and death, people,
I have no time to be wondering whether the twins will make a surprise
appearance.
Of course, the geniuses responsible for
action fiction have no interest in reality, which is why Wonder Woman
spends all her time in a strapless bustier that only just covers her
lovely DD's. These buggers have no clue. Speaking of which...
Why are the women always in high heels,
all bloody day long, even when they're kicking ass?
I watched a movie last night which had
a woman fleeing from an alien robot in 4 inch pumps, and she got
away. How now? Ladies, have you ever worn heels,real heels, 3 or more inches? You've just nodded, because we all
have a couple of those in our closets. Now tell me, did you walk
around in them all day? Maybe even took a quick jog round the
corner? No? That's probably because you're sane. Gentlemen, I’m
going to let you in on a little secret. High hells hurt. They look
good, but they hurt like a bitch. A woman cannot, and should not,
spend an entire day in 3 plus inches, not unless her job entails
sitting around all day, and never having to walk for more than five
minutes at any given time. Those cops on CSI standing around in the
lab in Manolos? Never ever. And the fixer woman running around
Washington in her Louboutins? In hell. And the super spy cum assassin killing a small army while daintily shod in Choos? Really? High heels are designed to
get you from point A to point B, where point A and B are separated by
a distance no greater that 167m, on a flat surface. All those women
on screen stomping about in sky high heels? They take them off the
minute the director yells, 'Cut!' and that's after only half an hour. The ones running around? Wamelipwa, literally. Note how
when the tabloids take those 'seen out and about' photos, the same
women are always in flat shoes. All I'm saying is someone is lying
to us, and being the sheep we are, we're swallowing it, hook, line
and bloody stiletto. All the women you see tottering around our city
of cracked pavements? There's a reason they're tottering, their
shoes are uncomfortable, and unsafe, but she looks good, no?
Stop looking at me badly, I have
nothing against heels, I love them. I've already told you how I use
mine like a weapon, seeing as how they allow me to tower over
unsuspecting buggers, or at the very least look them in the eye, but
I know to use them wisely, when I shall not be required to make a
quick getaway, or walk for more than 15 minutes. High heels may be
one of mankind's most famous inventions, but the fact remains they
are not particularly well designed. A heel tilts you forward,
forcing you to compensate by arching backwards, thereby giving your
legs and ass that lovely shape, but in the process ruining your
posture and hurting your spine, and shoulders, and feet. I get the
feeling some of the gentlemen reading this are giving me a blank
stare right now, so let me make it a bit simpler. See that car
parked by the curb? Try to push it over. No joy? That's because
it's stable, on four wheels and everything (and it weighs a couple of
tons, but let's not split hairs, I'm trying to make a point here). Now picture a three wheeled Tuk Tuk. A well placed shove and you
can get it on its side, yes? Women in high heels are Tuk Tuks,
unstable as hell, but much prettier (I hope).
TV and movie people, women who walk
around a lot do not wear heels all day, and they sure as hell don't
sprint up stairs in them. Stop shaking your head, they do not. And
neither, for that matter, do they spend shit loads of money on
designer shoes and then wear them to go shopping for vegetables and
such like mundane activities. Expensive shoes = showing off = (possibly
fancy) occasion. Just because we're silly enough to wear the damn
things, that doesn’t mean we'll wear them anywhere. Bloody Nkt!
Why are the women on TV always in
perfect make-up, even when they've just woken up?
Of all the fictions the film industry
has spread, none has been more detrimental to women. This 'always
looking perfect' story is the reason men wake up next to us and get
scared, talking about how fake we are and shit, because we don't look
like we did the night before, asubuhi na mapema. Listen here, it's not our fault,
you buggers have been brainwashed. If the movies were real, that
scene with the couple in bed, first thing in the morning, would have
the mama with her hair all over the place, old make up smeared on the
pillow case, eyes crusty with that icky yellow stuff, saliva stain
running from the corner of her mouth down to her chin. And the jamaa
would be looking just as dodgy, with his face puffy with sleep and
his tongue and gums grey with gunk for good measure. That's reality. We all look a bit suspect when we get up, because we have just been
sleeping, as in not conscious and therefore not mindful of our
appearance. But on TV, nooooo... Buggers open their eyes looking
like they've just stepped out of a salon, all bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed, hair in place, foundation lightly applied and lips
wondrously soft. For the love of God, man, how? It gets worse, they
look just as good all day long, with nary a touch up. Lipstick never
fades, eye-shadow never smudges, false eyelashes never fall off. Damn these lies, damn them to hell.
Gentlemen, we will never look that
good. Never. The best you can hope for is two hours of splendour in
the evening, right after work, before we tuck into the Kenchic,
sorry, lavish dinner you shall buy us as a reward for looking so
good.
Talking of people who look good...
Why are superheroes always in
skin-tight outfits, with no pockets?
This one has vexed me for years. I
know they're perfectly proportioned, all firm muscles and toned
rumps, but come on, could those outfits be any tighter? You know how
Superman flies around in his body suit cum underwear, and cape? Wait, I have to pause here and ask, what is with the damn capes? Apart from Batman, whose cape is a fancy wing-glider thingi, why the
hell are the other buggers walking and flying around with bloody
sheets strapped to their backs? Apart from the obvious fire hazard
(not a ridiculous thought, they do encounter random explosions often
these caped crusaders, no?), those things are none too aerodynamic,
and they make for handy grips when a bugger wants to fling you about
(read, Loki). And the capes look silly as hell. To quote Ironman,
'Doth mother know thou wearest her drapes?' I don't get it. Back to the skin
tight clothing. I can see the inspiration, these buggers are like
athletes, they need to move freely and loose clothing can be a bit of
a bother, but where pray tell does Catwoman keep the keys to the car
she no doubt has (unless she walks/crawls/jumps everywhere), or cell
phone, or bloody hankie in case she has the sniffles? And Superman,
the one who wears his 'suit' under his clothes all day long, just in
case there's an emergency, where does he leave his regular clothes,
seeing as how he's not flying around with a bloody knapsack, and how
is it they are never stolen in that crime ridden city of his? The
less said about Batman and his rubber/plastic get-up the better, but
at least he has the good sense to carry a tool belt, no? That and
he's a clever bugger, he uses the wondrous power of mechanical
engineering to get around, unlike the broke ass bastard with spider
goop spewing out of his hands, swinging all over the place, until it
runs out. See, if Spiderman had pockets, he could carry a
spare cartridge or two, no?
The only advantage I can see to the
tight clothing is how perfectly it outlines the ladies' impossibly
perfect boobs, and bums, which brings me back to, why are they always
in push-up bras?
