Fellas, I'm ready to get up and do my
thing (yeah go ahead!)
I wanna get into it, man, you know (go
ahead!)
Like a, like a sex machine, man, (yeah go ahead!)
Movin' and doin' it, you know
Can I count it off? (Go ahead)
One, two, three, four!
Like a, like a sex machine, man, (yeah go ahead!)
Movin' and doin' it, you know
Can I count it off? (Go ahead)
One, two, three, four!
Get up, (get on up)
Get up, (get on up)
Stay on the scene, (get on up)
Get up, (get on up)
Stay on the scene, (get on up)
Like a sex machine, (get on
up)...
Good news, bad news.
Good news, bad news.
The good news is, you can now get into
Uganda with nothing but your humble ID card. Woohoo! The bad news? There will be fewer sights to see, now that our old friend Rev. Fr.
Lokodo has finally gotten his anti-miniskirt bill signed into law. Remember him? He's the genius who declared, last year, that anything
above the knee would be outlawed. I laughed and wrote him off as a bit of a crazy bugger, but guess
who's laughing now? MPs pass Bill against miniskirts ““With the enactment of the
Bill, my dream has been fulfilled,” said Fr Simon Lokodo, the
Ethics minister.” That's right, he's laughing his porn-hating ass, sorry, head off. President Museveni signed the bill into law on February 6th this year.
Dammit.
“The Bill defines pornography as
any cultural practice, form of behaviour or form of communication or
speech or information or literature or publication in whole or in
part or news story or entertainment or stage play or broadcast or
music or dance or art or graphic or picture or photography or video
recording or leisure activity or show or exhibition. It also
prohibits any combination of the preceding that depicts unclothed or
under clothed parts of the human body such as breasts, thighs,
buttocks and genitalia, a person engaged in explicit sexual
activities or conduct; erotic behaviour intended to cause sexual
excitement and any indecent act or behaviour tending to corrupt
morals.”
Eh? Unclothed
or under clothed? What the fuck does that mean? Is there a
definition of 'clothed' somewhere that we may refer to, lest we get
arrested for showing more breast than is considered acceptable? And
what the hell is erotic behaviour
intended to cause sexual excitement? Sexy walking, flirting,
making eyes over a cup of coffee? Or are they talking about more
explicit behaviour, like pole dancing, or a lap dance from an almost
nude stripper, or a lap dance from your nude lover... I don't mean to be flippant here (well, actually
I do, I'm flipping him the bird all day and all night, but that's
another story) but who decides what's erotic, and why? Folks, I get
turned on by people reading books and shit, so does that mean they'll
get arrested for being erudite in my presence? Don’t laugh, all
you buggers reading this are getting me so hot right now... Hang on,
does this law make my sewer illegal, over yonder? Hmmm... If you're
currently in UG, you might want to ignore the insistent knocking on
your door right now, just in case. I'm just saying, I'm not coming
to bail you out, my friend, it's been real and ef'thing, but you're
on your own, I have my own irrational government to deal with.
Moving swiftly along.
Now because the Ugandan parliament has
taken it upon itself to fill my life with sorely missed mirth, it
gets worse, or better, depending. “The Anti-Pornography Bill, 2009 sets up the Pornography
Control Committee, responsible for the implementation of the law and
for taking necessary measures to ensure early detection and
prohibition of pornography. The Committee will also be charged with
the collection and destruction of pornographic materials.” Parliament passes Anti-Pornography Law I
don’t even have to work for the jokes any more, do I? Early
detection of pornography? Like when the thought first enters your
head to procure, or produce, a little porn? Or do they mean when the
script is being written, or when they're setting up the lighting, or
when the main attraction is getting undressed? How early is early,
because they could be so early that no crime has been committed, no? It's a conundrum, is all I'm saying, 'Minority Report' all over
again. But wait, there's more. “The committee, whose representatives will be drawn from
various sectors including the media and entertainment industries,
will also offer rehabilitation services to victims of pornography.” Uganda bans miniskirts, pornography That's right, they will restore your damaged, umm, health too,
because that's just the kind of caring people they are.
And just to clarify, “Minister
Lokodo also identified sex tease shows commonly known as bimansulo,
videos or photos depicting child sex, and musicians, especially
female artistes, who perform in very revealing short dresses, as the
other banned acts. “We do not like you to behave in a way that
draws the attention of other people. Be decent and let your cloth
show you as a decent person,” Lokodo said. Asked to draw precise
indecency lines, the minister said: “If you are dressed in
something that irritates the mind and excites other people especially
of the opposite sex, you are dressed in wrong attire and please hurry
up and change.”” Irritates and/or excites mind (or other?). Right, got it, no short skirts, or low cut tops, or attention
grabbing behaviour, or sex shows.
Alternatively, we could just avoid Rev.
Fr. Minister, as it turns out the law does not actually ban specific
clothing. “However, The Observer has established that the new
law has nothing to do with the length or shortness of women’s
dresses. Although the initial draft bill sought to restrict women’s
dress freedoms, the law that was ultimately passed targets media
organisations that show what is deemed to be pornographic material.”
Caution, confusion greet miniskirt law Now you know, no?
Good news, bad news.
The good news is, the anti-miniskirt
law isn’t really about miniskirts. Woohoo! The bad news? Your
porn is now illegal. Well, more illegal.
Dammit.
Get up, (get on up)
Get up, (get on up)
Get up, (get on up)
Get up, (get on up)
You said, you said you got the
You said the feeling you got to get
You give me the fever 'n' a cold sweat
The way I like, it is the way it is
I got mine 'n' don't worry 'bout his
Get up, (get on up)
Get up, (get on up)
Get up, (get on up)
You said, you said you got the
You said the feeling you got to get
You give me the fever 'n' a cold sweat
The way I like, it is the way it is
I got mine 'n' don't worry 'bout his
I would like to dedicate 'Get Up (I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine' to the good Minister of
Ethics and Integrity, a man in dire need of five or so minutes of the funkiest music this side of 1970. James Brown is proof that you don't have to look sexy (read, unclothed or underclothed) to be sexy. Watch him in the video, fully clad, hair fro-ed and shit, getting down and sexing the hell out of that track. Rev. Fr. Minister, kind sir, you might want to consider loosening your way too
tight collar...
And then, shake your money maker
Shake your money maker
Shake your money maker...
Shake your money maker...
