This one is about poor judgment, a helicopter, small condoms, a camel, porn, and a miracle?

Have you read the judgment?  Did you understand a bloody word they said?  Be honest now, if you are not a learned colleague, do you really have the foggiest clue what those one hundred and something pages were saying?  Hell, I called up my lawyer relative and asked him to break it down to me in small words, and possibly pictures, but even he hadn’t managed to read through it, said it was too obtuse!  Then he patiently explained what obtuse means.  Now I like to think of myself as an individual possessing slight intelligence (but only slight), but I couldn’t get past page one.  Worse still, the analysis by the experts is proving to be just as indigestible as that which they claim to be digesting on my behalf, which then begs the question, are all these legal buggers on crack?  Judge Willy, kindly provide a translation of the ruling, in English, double spaced, size 12 font, with handy little tables and pie charts, such that we, the Wanjiku’s of this world, may understand what you’re on about.  Thank you.

Moving on swiftly, a helicopter is back in the news.  No, not the one that was allegedly overloaded and poorly maintained (and you wonder why the government can’t crack down on Ma3’s?), this time the helicopter making the news is home made.  That’s right, there’s a man out there who went out and built himself a helicopter.  Sounds impressive, right?  You may want to have a look at the picture of said helicopter before you agree.  I’m all for innovation and what not, but where on earth did this young man learn how to draw?  Did he never watch Air Wolf?  Probably not, the man is only 20 years old…  That said, I must bow down to young Onesmus, for refusing to let the limitations of a dodgy education system (ours) hold him back from chasing his dream.  I am officially inspired sir.  Unfortunately for him, however, the government is not quite as excited as I am, and has warned the poor bastard not to fly his contraption.  Serikali says, “…the government would not allow people to conduct experiments that endanger the lives of the public in the name of innovations.”  They then advise young Onesmus to “…wait until they informed the aviation department and received guidance from experts.”  This would be the same aviation department that maintained the helicopter that crashed into a tree stump? 

And speaking of stumps, “Ghana is facing a "major public health issue" after condoms supplied to the country's health service were found to contain holes and burst easily.  More than 1m "Be Safe" condoms have been impounded by the country's food and drugs authority (FDA), which said they were also too small and not adequately lubricated.”  Ghana Seizes One Million Faulty Condoms Imported From China.  Now I could make a cheap joke about the ironic name of said condoms, but some shots are just too easy to take.  What I would like to draw your attention to is this, “The FDA said the faulty Be Safe consignment was imported by Global Unilink Ltd, a Ghanaian company, which had sourced them from an Indian company named Harley Ltd based in Kenya. Amedzro said the FDA has traced the condoms back to the original manufacturer, Henan Xibei Latex Company Limited, in Henan province, central China.”  They bought condoms from Kenyans?  And they’re too small?  Insert own joke here, and then insert evil laughter…  Hang on, I should move to Ghana, no?

And here’s further proof that Kenyans are not the most special negroes on the continent.  Some geniuses in Mali ate a camel that wasn’t theirs to eat.  Not a problem, camels get eaten all the time, or not.  Thing is, said camel was the property of one Monsieur Hollande, also known as the would be liberator of Mali (Mali to give France new camel after first one is eaten).  That’s right, the government of Mali gave the French prezzo a camel, a camel that he then left behind with a couple of natives, no doubt because he had exceeded his baggage limit, a camel the natives promptly choma’d, no doubt because they’re natives, and that’s how us natives do.  But fear not, the government is on the ball, “As soon as we heard of this, we quickly replaced it with a bigger and better-looking camel.”  Now that is what I call decisive leadership.

Not to be outdone, on the list of strange and sometimes stupid things Africans do, the Ugandans are currently in the process of banning all things pornography.  According to this author, Anti-Pornography Bill, the bill is an attempt to modify the existing laws, this after an alleged paedophile got away with a slap on the wrist after “…luring underage Ugandan girls to perform sex acts on him on camera”, because there is currently no law under which he could be charged for this particular offence.  The bill, therefore, simply seeks to rectify omissions in the Ugandan penal code, as the current law prohibits publication of pornography, but not creation or use of the same.  Sounds noble enough, right?  Thing is, as with all things legal, they have to define that which they seek to ban.  Enter the Minister of Ethics and Integrity, one Rev. Fr. Simon Lokodo.  The bill defines pornography as, “Any cultural practice, form of behaviour or form of communication…or leisure activity…that depicts a person engaged in explicit sexual activities or conduct…erotic behaviour intended to cause sexual excitement or indecent act or behaviour intended to corrupt morals.”  Suitably vague, isn’t it, talking about behaviour or communication?  Not only are they going after the paedophiles and sodomites, they’re also going after the dirty magazines and strip clubs, the lewd music videos and the slutty soap operas on TV.  And just for good measure, they’re going after the scantily clad women too.  The minister says, “Any attire which exposes intimate parts of the human body, especially areas that are of erotic function, are outlawed. Anything above the knee is outlawed. If a woman wears a miniskirt, we will arrest her.”  (Uganda’s Anti-Pornography Bill)  Areas that are of erotic function?  Exactly how hot are Ugandan women’s legs?  Or could it be he’s just a bloody deviant?  The minister is also quoted as saying, in defence of his most brilliant theory, “An onlooker is moved to attack [a woman wearing provocative clothing]…  He is a criminal but he was also provoked and enticed.”  What the fuck?  And this from a man who wears, or used to wear, dresses?

In happier pornography news, turns out that a third of the online porn traffic is...wait for it...women.  Even better, we are apparently cheap and discerning customers (10 interesting Facts About Women’s Porn Habits).  Just for the record, I said this, many months ago, and you buggers ignored me, but maybe now that Oprah’s saying it (number one on the list), you might just start to listen? 

Last, and most definitely least, the husband crusade was back in town, only this time the ladies stayed away (Women shun find-a-husband-prayers), scared off by the heaps of mockery they must have endured after attending the infamous (and I use this term most loosely) pastor’s crusade, last year.  Fortunately for us malicious bastards, a few women still had the gumption to show up, and from there we get this lovely quote: “I came for the marriage seminar in 2011 when I had had three miscarriages and the man I was dating had left me. After the seminar, I got a man who gave me this child who is about a year now. The man has left me again and I am here for another miracle. I hope I will get another man.”  To her credit, and they who were in the (and I use this term most loosely) congregation, it is reported that there was laughter after she spoke.