Disclaimer: In polite society, the term ‘third world’ is considered derogatory, a term indicative of neo-colonial thinking, imperialist brain washing and an inferiority complex brought on by a lifetime consuming propaganda from the west. I don’t know about all that, but I do know that if what we’re going through is any indication, then, my friends, we are most definitely not at the top of the dung heap. Maybe not at the bottom, but definitely not at the top. Even worse, we seem to be sinking lower…
1. THE PRESIDENT LEAVES HIS HOUSE, AND THE CITY COMES TO A COMPLETE STANDSTILL.
In fairness to our new prezzo(s), I haven’t been in the city for a while, so perhaps tabia za Kibaki wameacha. Not likely. Could someone please tell me where in the laws of our land it states that roads must be closed hours in advance of the president? More importantly, why the hell can’t he use a helicopter? No wait, ours is the land of bandia helicopters… At least give us trains, real trains, that we may stay off the roads, by choice.
2. SAFETY RAILS ARE STOLEN, FROM A BUSY HIGHWAY, AND NO ARRESTS ARE MADE.
I can understand the village robbers making off with the two railings on the little bridge in shags, that road sees an average of 10 cars an hour, except during rush hour when the number triples to a whopping 30 cars. What I can’t understand, however, is when many railings are stolen from one of the busiest stretches of road in our (allegedly) 24 hr capital city. And no-one saw anything? And the thieves can’t be tracked down? How now? Perhaps we need to bring our anti stock theft unit to the city, and send the buggers in charge of theft of road artefacts to Pokot. Wait, stop frowning, this is a good plan. Those anti stock buggers can track a cow across many hills, think of what they could do chasing an immobile object, no? And just to show that I am not a complete idiot, my most brilliant plan would also help ease tensions with our neighbour, because you know our city police ain’t gonna chase shit across any border, now are they? The prezzo(s) should have appointed me to the cabinet, as brilliant as I am…
A SUPER HIGHWAY IS BUILT, WITH SPEED BUMPS.
Now I’ve never seen a road being built in any other country, but I’m willing to guess that this activity is nowhere near as convoluted as it is here. How on earth did they build a six (or sixteen depending on traffic) lane highway, sans pedestrian crossings? Did it not occur to them, as they were excavating and shit, that the masses of humanity they would see daily, perambulating aimlessly all over the place, may one day feel inclined to make like a chicken and cross the damn road?
4. PEDESTRIAN BRIDGES ARE BUILT, AND NEVER USED.
Its no wonder pedestrians are often ignored when roads are being built, we are the most irrational idiots. A bugger would rather dash across a very busy road, at an intersection, than use the bridge so helpfully provided for his use. Even when the road builders actually apply some form of thought and build gently sloping ramps to ease the inconvenience of the climb, bugger will still make the mad dash for safety, figuring it’s worth the risk of getting smacked by a Canter doing 118 kph. Better that than waste five minutes of his precious time going up, across, and then back down. I know, some of the bridges are filthy, and mugger infested, making them more risky than the road below, but that’s because they’re often unused, thus neglected, thus abused, thus unused, thus…
5. BLACK SPOTS ARE KNOWN, AND MARKED, BUT NEVER RECTIFIED.
Of what use is it to announce that there’s a black spot at Salgaa, if they never think to repair what must be a serious design flaw in the road (hence the constant accidents)? That’s like your man telling you he has a VD, and that he has infected his last six partners, and then he refuses to get said VD treated, or put on a condom. But at least you know, and if you still feel the need to go where he plans on taking you, then you’ll figure out another way to get there, right? It’s not enough to warn us, you genius buggers, you need to fix the damn problem. Bloody nkt!
6. PUBLIC TRANSPORT CAN BE BOARDED ANYWHERE, ANY TIME. EXCEPT AT A BUS STOP, BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE NO SENSE.
Its easy to blame the PSV drivers for their complete disregard for road rules, or common courtesy, but consider that when they stop in the middle of the road to pick up a passenger, said passenger had flagged them down. That’s right, some genius saw fit to stop a Ma3 wherever, because that is where he was standing. Granted, it could be argued that the lack of any discernable timetable makes it hard to patiently walk to the bus stop and wait for another one to come along, but lets be honest, unless you’re in shags where the bus comes once an hour (if you’re lucky), there’s usually another one not too far behind, right? And speaking of bus stops, why oh why do Ma3’s have an aversion to actually getting into said stop, instead preferring to stop just outside the bus stop, on the road, blocking traffic? Do bus stops have some secret battery sapping power that makes it hard to pull out and get back onto the road? We are very peculiar us Kenyans…
7. OVER SPEEDING IS A NATIONAL PASTIME, OVERLAPPING A PET DIVERSION AND OVERTAKING MANDATORY.
I’ve concluded that half the drivers in this city came by their licences by means other than a driving school and/or test, and by that I mean they bought them at their local duka. How else can you explain an idiot barrelling down the wrong side of a road, oblivious to the stationary cars on the right side of the road, patiently waiting their turn? What, you think those buggers just parked their cars on the road at 7:30 in the morning, because they have nothing better to do with their time than listen to crap morning radio? Even worse are the geniuses who overlap on the pavements, forcing pedestrians to jump into nearby bushes to avoid gleaming bull bars (because it’s almost always Ma3’s and big ass 4x4’s who pull this stunt). And then there are the special bastards who feel the need to overtake anywhere, anyhow. Boss, overtaking on a corner wouldn’t just get you killed, odds are you may just get me killed too. I have no interest in dying in a ditch because you don’t have the good sense to wait for a clear stretch of road. Same goes for the idiots who think driving at 150 kph all the time is a good thing. While I love me some speed, and I have been know to mimic ‘Flash’ Carl on occasion (minus the shooting the natives bit), I have the good sense to save the Safari rally stunts for deserted roads devoid of heavy traffic, and random children crossing without warning. Boss, that 200 on your speedometer is not a target you must keep trying to hit.