This one is about a Bible, and Bible stories.

With our new president (finally) being sworn in on Tuesday, is it safe to assume that life is getting back to normal, and therefore it’s now safe for normal ranting to resume?  I only ask because for the last month or so, anyone who wasn’t singing along to the peace cum ‘let’s move on’ chorus was immediately branded, a. a sore loser, b. a bitter loser, c. a malcontent intent on returning this country to the dark days of PEV, or d. all of the above.  My friend, if you weren’t drumming to the ‘Sovereign Nation’ beat, you were likely to get thrashed by the mob, they who have taken to defending the motherland from all manner of slights, real and (mostly) imagined.  But now that we have a new prezzo, Supreme Court approved, and Mzalendo and Co. have realised that their teeth are but ineffective dentures, I assume we can go back to the petty squabbling amongst ourselves, yes?  To this end…

Have you been following this Bible story?  What!!!  There are days I am very proud to be a Kenyan, days when our levels of foolishness exceed the norm, days when we spend valuable time dissecting a silly publicity stunt like it’s the Pope’s latest proclamation.  The amount of time that was devoted to Kamwana’s new found devotion to family values was nothing short of entertaining (Uhuru tells why wife will hold Bible).  Why, pray tell, should we give two shits about who holds the Good Book, when we know that anything said up on that podium will be forgotten as soon as he steps off it?  I’m not being cynical, look back to all the swearing-in ceremonies we’ve had; did the other men not swear to uphold the constitution, blah blah blah?  Did said men not then turn around and get up to all manner of mischief?  What, you think because the Mrs is holding the Book, things will change?  Excuse me a minute while I wipe the hysterical tears of laughter off my face…  This is nothing but a cheap attempt to mould the first couple into the Obama’s, next thing you know there’ll be pictures of the first couple in a loving embrace and such like fluffy nonsense.  No wait, that’s already happened.  Folks, you know I like me a good tale, but I draw the line at shameless spin, and this is classic, and very shameless, spin.  Talking about reaffirming marriage vows and wives keeping their men honest, where the hell was said wife when ‘dark forces made you do it’? 

Hang on, that’s probably why he needs company while he’s near the Book, he’s probably still feeling the after effects of his brush with the devil.  Don’t worry my president, I feel you, you shouldn’t mess with that mystical (mythical?) shit again, who knows what could happen?  Perhaps a loose lightening bolt, earth rips open and you fall into flaming hell…such like repercussions of sin and what not.  Or you could sign the country away in a daze…  I’ve changed my mind, bring on the missus, at least this way when shit goes to fuck, I know who to call.

And speaking of mystical, I am going to slap you believers out here.  Why is it you never seem to get offended when your faith is routinely abused?  Put up an ad warning philandering women to put a rubber on their Johnnie’s johnnies, and watch the believers froth at the mouth in righteous indignation.  On the other hand, a man suspected of heinous crimes, repeatedly accused of corruption, some of it quite grand, gets up to speak in a church and bursts into tears, and there is nothing but admiration, talking about his humility before God (Ruto weeps in church as he savours Jubilee win).  The man said, post crying I assume, “The same God who gave us victory against all odds will do more exceedingly and abundantly for us. It will be more than the people of Kenya want. God is going to do great things for this country.”  I assume the congregation then burst into rapturous applause.  Moving on swiftly…

Still on matters election related, congratulatory messages have been coming in thick and fast from all manner of envoys from far flung lands, from Iceland to Timbuktu (assuming Timbuktu still exists, last I heard they were trying to wipe it off the map, allegedly in the name of the war against terror).  They congratulated us, the Kenyans, for maintaining peace, this as we violently insulted them, and each other, all over the place, but hey, at least we didn’t go machete, so that’s progress.  Clap for yourselves, you peaceful Kenyans.  Then the envoys congratulated IEBC for a well managed election, terming it ‘free and fair’, this despite the fact that it was not free (because we paid some random Wazungus 7 Billion bob), and it wasn’t entirely fair (seeing as the shit we bought didn’t really work), but hey, nobody stole my vote this time round, that I can tell, and the numbers are nowhere near as dodgy as they’ve been in other elections, so I guess it was fair, and expensive.  1 out of 2?  That’s 50%, which is a pass, no?  Let’s clap for ourselves again.  The envoys then, after waiting fingers crossed for Judge Willy to give them an escape clause, finally congratulated our new president, heads bowed in humility, consequences long forgotten.  That the ‘West’ quickly lined up to support the new Jubilee government was no surprise, they’re simply looking out for their own interests, despite their high minded nonsense proclamations of democracy and such like nonsense.  What did surprise me, however, was how happy the new president and co. were to receive them.  For buggers who spent the better part of a year screaming, one hand grabbing their balls and the other fisted in the air, “We don’t need you, we is so-ve-reign, biatch!” (I’ve paraphrased liberally), they were surprisingly welcoming, talking about continued co-operation and shit (Uhuru pledges to work with Obama).  Hmmm…  Methinks there has been a deception perpetrated on the public, at least on those who were foolish enough to drink the so-ve-reign Kool Aid.  Insert evil laughter here…

In news governance, MP’s want a pay hike.  And Governors too.  And County Assembly Rep’s.  And I assume it’s only a couple of days before the Women’s Rep’s come a calling.  And the sun keeps rising in the east and setting in the west.  Traffic is still crap, and policemen are still busting poor bastards for doing 118 on Thika (apparently not) Superhighway.  The more things change, the more they stay the same.  I could go on about this, but to what end?

In other news from the capital, there was an excellent story in Tuesday’s Nation about the plight of Commercial Sex Workers in downtown Nairobi, currently being displaced by the gentrification going on as the city upgrades.  Now its not often that I get to praise a journo on this page, but I must bow down to the author of this most insightful article, New buildings kick out sex workers, for his in depth investigation into the cost of prostitution (I could make a cheap joke, but you’re smart enough to make one for yourself, no?).  According to Mr Omwenga, “Approximately 7,000 sex workers operate in Nairobi per night, with each having an average of 3-4 clients, which translates to between 21,000 and 28,000 sexual activities a night.”  And that’s just the commercial sex we’re having in this city.  Oh lovely Nairobi!  Its no wonder we drive, and walk, like zombies on weed, we’re too fucked to do anything but, and this is the one time I mean that literally.

And in news further a field, the Israel Museum in Jerusalem recently launched a nine month exhibit: Herod the Great: The King’s Last Journey.  Are you currently staring at the screen, puzzled?  I was, when I read that headline.  See, I remember my Bible stories from back in the day, and I distinctly recall that Herod was the bugger who tried to kill baby Jesus, in the process ordering the death of many other baby boys in Jerusalem, he was the despot who had John the Baptist beheaded, and now he’s Herod the Great?  Eh?  Throw in the fact that Israelis are not exactly the most forgiving people, obsessive about their history never being rewritten (perhaps with good reason, given that every so often someone tries to drive them into the ocean), you have to be a bit confused.  As it turns out, this man, when not bumping off his wife and children, and persecuting the Israelites in the name of Rome, was quite the achiever, King Herod is credited as the greatest builder of the land, constructing 10,000-seater amphitheatres, grand palaces and inland ports, left, right and centre.  The moral of the story, just because a bugger is a bit of a (homicidal) maniac, that doesn’t mean he can’t be useful.  This news should give all Africans hope. 

And last, but not least, the Italian police have seized $1.7B in renewable energy assets et al from a Sicilian developer with Mafia ties (Italy seizes Mafia-tied clean energy assets).  Surely, there must be some irony in having your ‘clean energy’ biashara busted for being dirty, no?