19.12.13

Introducing...The Deviant

Just when I think my sewer can't get any more sewer, the man returns.  Ladies and gentlemen, JayK is back, or at least I think it's Jay, he keeps changing his damn name this man (I shall have this fight with him another day, when I'm no longer extremely overjoyed, assuming he finally sends me an email?).  This was his comment on the porn post, and because it's longer than the post itself, I thought why not stick it on its own page?  Good plan, no?  Silk is on the soundtrack (his pick) with 'Freak Me', the shag jam.  Fair warning to the fragile, he's made me blush, furiously, and he may have (I suspect intentionally) discalmed my loins...

LETTER TO MY FUTURE LOVE

My love, to be honest, my perception of therapists is that they are usually busybody quacks, despite their qualifications.  This is mostly because they tend to tell us unpleasant truths which we would much rather ignore, blaming anyone but ourselves for our self-inflicted problems.  But sometimes, that old cliché ‘the truth will set you free’ does have some truth in it.  So, on the somewhat relationship-threatening-but-true advice of my therapist Alex, here are some truths about my sexual fantasies you are better off knowing in advance. Kindly read with an open mind, saving all judgement till the end.  Here goes:

I love porn.  Rather, I love what porn represents: the ability for people to enjoy mankind’s-most-formidable-transaction in whatever way they fancy.  Through porn, people are able to truly express their inner-most sexual desires.  As such, I happen to be an avid consumer of porn, in addition to having a sizeable digital stash well ensconced within my computer’s program files where only the most determined would find them.  But you’ll never know, seeing that I thoroughly clear my computer’s browsing history after use.  But should I one day get so engrossed with watching porn that I somehow forget to lock the door and you walk in on me whacking off, please understand, it’s not cheating, it’s just that whatever I’m watching at that moment happens to satisfy a particular fantasy of mine that you probably don’t (ie. It's YOUR fault! :-) ).  Now to forestall this scenario, my wise love-sage Alex has encouraged me to let you in on some of my fantasies, so that we can better fulfil each other’s fantasies.  As I said at the beginning, this is one dangerous-but-pragmatic quack of a therapist but seeing as she usually has a point, I’ll do as she advises.  Some of the porn fantasies I enjoy and occasionally jerk-off to include the following categories:

ASS:  Why lie, there’s just something about a girl with a huge derrière, especially the onion-shaped booty type.  Slamming into that huge bubble, especially as it wiggles, is such a huge turn-on for me.
Likelihood to get me off: 6/10

ANAL:  Now, before you get all sanctimonious on me, let me explain.  While I have yet to join the bandwagon of backshoters, the appeal for me lies in the fact that it is taboo. And according to those who’ve dared to plunge in there, the consensus is that the difficulty of doing it is worth the pleasure.  Apparently, unlike the regular entry point which tends to losen up due to extended use, the backdoor is usually tight, thus enhancing the pleasure for both. But don’t worry, I am yet to get the guts to opt for that so your entry is safe – for now.  But it’s still interesting to watch.
Likelihood to get me off: 2/10

AMATEUR:  The lure of amateur for me lies in its rawness, in the sense that it is usually unscripted and the females bare their assets, warts and all.  Unlike the professionals, this genre is just comical to watch, what, with some of the ladies shocked at the size of their partner’s dicks to them pausing in between to take calls to the one in which the gal even told the dude, after what seemed to be all of five minutes, to ‘hurry up and cum...I gotta go to class soon!’  This kind of comedy is just priceless :-))
Likelihood to get me off: 2/10

BDSM:  Involving whips, chains, bondage, this type is enticing due to its risqué nature.  The whole thought of dominating your partner and doing deviant things to them with them all tied up and seemingly helpless has a master-slave connotation to it and why lie, when done well, can lead to an experience like no other!
Likelihood to get me off: 7/10

BOOBS:  Every man, whether pope or heathen, straight or gay, young or old, Taliban or feminist, has a thing about titties!  That you can bank on love!  All shapes and sizes, we just want to grab, fondle and squeeze them.  Better yet, when the gal in the flick decides to give a titty-job – that right there is cum-worthy material!  Damn I love titty-fuck flicks:
Likelihood to get me off: 7/10

BLOWJOB:  Do I even need to explain the appeal with this one?  Really?  Babe, show me a guy who doesn’t like head and i’ll show you a sexually-repressed guy.  For me, the appeal with head-shots lies with the technique.  Some do it all sloppy, others gnawing while others can do a ball-deep swallow.  If you take the time to go through my collection, you’ll see some where the gal is so good, the dude cums way before plunging in the P – in other words, they have to reschedule the whole shoot!  Now that’s what I call a good head-clinic.  Speaking of, I probably should have started with this one – because if you’re one of those up-tight gals who think ‘head is disgusting!’ then goodbye-we’re just not compatible, no matter how ‘sexy’ your body is!
Likelihood to get me off: Well-done, sloppy head with some balls-licking thrown in: 8/10

CUNNILINGUS:  Love, I believe that good sex is a two-way street, in which you give and you receive.  The same way I fantasize about good head, I hope to be able to eat you good.  Now seeing as this is a taboo topic in which there are no ‘classes’ so to speak, I find myself occasionally watching so as to get pointers on how to please my woman, in this case you.  On this, do me a favour – let me know how you like it – if at all.

EXOTIC:  Ahhh.......the fantasies to be had in this genre!  From hot latina mamacitas to snobbish looking Eurasians to uptight Indians to happy-go-lucky Asian gals, this category has them all!  Since it is unlikely that I’ll get to bang all these different cultures and ethnicities in real-life, porn happily fulfills this fantasy for me.
Likelihood to get me off: 7/10

FACIAL:  Also known as the money-shot!  The appeal of this for me is that it usually serves as an opinion-poll of whether or not the lady liked the guy’s performance, based on their reactions.  If she was ‘dicked’ to her liking, the girl is usually enthusiastic and doesn’t mind receiving a hot load over her face.  If she disapproves, she usually looks away. Being that we men are usually judged and rewarded based on our performance, it serves as a good teaching tool on how to and how NOT to serve dick to a lass!
Likelihood to get me off: 7/10

FEMALE BODYBUILDERS:  As you probably know, deep down, all men are women save for 20% of their physiological make-up.  That being the case, the same way women like a strong man to hold them tight, is the same way the 20% bitch in us likes to hold on to some firm 6-packs when we're hitting it!  Now this isn’t some closet gay-vibe – NO.  It’s just that some of these women are strong therefore their tolerance and penchant for having it rough is high – just the way I like it!
Likelihood to get me off: If the girl is attractive (without any male square-jaw and deep-voice features): 6/10

FETISH:  We all have fetishes – whether its toe-sucking to foot jobs to eating ice-cream over your partners chest.  And porn allows us to explore them, deciding which ones work for us and which ones don’t.  Personally, I watch just to remind myself that there are weirder freaks than me out there.
Likelihood to get me off: 2/10

GANGBANG:  There’s just something about seeing a pretty little gal stuffed with 2 or 3 ‘poles’ in her.  It is a testament to that gal’s dexterity.  This is further accentuated by the obligatory money-shots at the end – if she liked it – she’ll graciously swallow, if not, she’ll usually look away.
Likelihood to get me off: 6/10

GYM:  Visualize the gym – toned women sweating while wearing tight clothes.  Damn, if that isn’t sexy, then call me a Taliban!  Its appeal is similar to that of the female bodybuilders, only instead of muscles, you have curves, toned ones at that.  For me, this appeal is heightened due to the fact that we live in a society where ‘waist-tires’ are the norm so getting to watch a fully-toned mama going at it with the same gusto she does in her exercises is freaking cum-worthy, by the buckets!  Especially them Yoga chicks – once saw one where the lady put her legs behind her neck the whole time, giving the lucky fellow unfettered access to the hole – Damn I jacked off to that flick many times!
Likelihood to get me off: 8/10

HAND-JOBS:  Depending on the setting, hand-jobs are either weird or intriguingly risqué!  Once saw this one where the lady was slyly jerking off the guy while they were seated in a club, with a table shielding them and people, including their respective partners, dancing in-front of them!  Now that’s what you call ‘hands-on’ spinning!
Likelihood to get me off: 4/10

INTERRACIAL:  Maybe it has to do with the African in me, but there’s just something about plugging a lass from a different race, especially when that said ‘race’ thinks they’re superior than us Africans.  And while American / European Caucasians are favourites due to their anything-goes nature, my favourites are the ones where some Indian or Arab lass is dicked down by a ‘negro’ then finally blasted with a money shot – especially the one where some Arab chick was butt naked except for the Hijab and kept making Arabic phrases- Damn the ‘nigga’ creamed that Hijab in white.  Take that, you racist pretenders!
Likelihood to get me off: 5/10

ORGY:  Picture not one, not two, but many P’s and D’s in one setting, all getting their freak on!  This is a perv’s fantasy right here – plunging into this hole, getting sucked by that mouth, facializing another lass – shit – I get hard just thinking of it.  Speaking of, you know how us ‘regular’ guys can’t shoot a load long-distance like them porn-stars can – well I once had this orgy flick featuring blacks and hot latina mamas – them mamas were so hot and enthusiastic, them dudes each came twice in a row, with one guy cumming thrice, each time over a different mamas face.  Just after he had blasted his second latina, the third one took over and sucked him so good, I also busted a good long-shot across the room!  (Note to self: look for that flick again! Oscar-worthy material right there!)
Likelihood to get me off: 9/10

PUBLIC:  See ‘Amateur’ up above.  The whole risqué factor of this is interesting-yet-comical!  Think: the guys doing it in a club loo, in a parking lot, or even the one where the guy was banging a lass on top of a driving van – you can see shocked looks on other drivers faces – one trailer driver almost hit the vehicle in-front.
Likelihood to get me off: 3/10

SQUIRT:  See ‘Cunnilingus’ above and ‘Swallow’ below

SHEMALES:  A.K.A chicks-with-dicks!  This is one hilarious genre – think ‘Brokeback Mountain’ but with semi-hard dicks and silicone boobs!
Likelihood to get me off: 1/10

SWALLOW:  This right here should be the gold-standard!  The highest form of intimacy a partner can ever express – by swallowing his/her nutt!  Love, if you do this on the regular, you just might get a ring on that finger - #wifey_material#
Likelihood to get me off: 9/10

WRESTLING: See ‘Female Bodybuilders’ above, but in a WWE-style setting! Add on the oil and we have ourselves a certifiable wank-worthy scene!
Likelihood to get me off: 7/10

There you have it my love.  You wanted to know my sexual fantasies – and now you’ve got them.  Before you begin with the judgmental ish and all, my main question to you is: ‘Based on this list, are we freak-compatible or not, and if so, what are YOUR fantasies?’

PS.  If you are offended - My bad - this is what comes with listening to a quack's advice - a well-meaning-but-misguided quack all the same.  Wait, on second thought, this 'quack' usually calls it right so If you have a problem - the F Off!  I'll take the 'quack-therapist's' advice over you any day!