Show. Tell. Do.

Do you like porn? 

In one line I’ve chased off three quarters of my audience.  Ah well…

As I was saying, do you like porn?  Pornography, erotica, smut, dirty pictures, lad mags, pornos, Cosmo, La Mujer De Mi Corazon (yes, I listed a soap opera, and yes, that shit is porn, soft core but still porn), whatever you want to call it, do you like it?  Stop pretending, there’s only 10 of us here today and we can’t see each other.  Hands up if you like a bit of sex on screen, or page.  Now keep your hand up if you have ever shared your porn with a friend.  No change?  Didn’t think so, men love to share their porn and women love to share pictures of that Black American actor dude with the green eyes (can you believe I’ve forgotten his name?  Shame on me, she says, slapping her own wrist…).  Last question, how many of you have shared your porn with your lovers?  Anyone?  I’m guessing there are only two kinky bastards with their hands in the air, waving them like they just don’t care, grinning like the proverbial cats that ate the little tweedy birds.  Those two are the freaky bastards with slightly exhibitionist tendencies, but more on that later.

Why is it that most of us are reluctant to share that which turns us on with those who should be turning us on?  More importantly, why don’t we bother to explain why it turns us on?  Gentlemen, have you ever told your lovely lady why the sight of that buxom actress you love to spend the odd weeknight with turns you on so much?  Is it her breathy tone as she (fake) moans, or her eager sucking of her always ridiculously endowed co-star’s cock, or the way she tweaks that other co-star’s nipple just so with her tongue, or the way she bends over and takes it up her nininio (and nininio here refers to her other nininio, not the regular nininio, because apparently you buggers are fascinated with the other nininio.  You are, aren’t you?  Insert evil laughter here…)?  What is it that gets you going back to that video, time and time again?  And why won’t you talk about it?  Are you scared that your lady will think you a pervert for staring at naked strangers, and perhaps getting off on it?

Slight detour.  So it turns out that men don’t necessarily get off when they watch porn.  They get turned on, but they don’t necessarily need to get off because of it (I say men only because I’ve never had this conversation with a woman).  The idea of watching people have sex and not having some form of sex immediately thereafter, or during, that troubles me, it doesn’t compute.  I always assumed one follows the other, but not so, if the men I talk to are to be believed (and I’m not sure they are).  The most troubling image I have stuck in my mind is that of a college classmate watching porn as he was hard at work studying, in the computer lab, two doors down from the dean’s office.  Let me describe.  This man was a good Muslim man from the coast, complete with the little hat on head (what are those hats called?), and loving wife and two kids back home.  He was extremely quiet, shy almost, and most respectful to pretty much everyone, the perfect gentleman.  And then I chanced upon him with a little window on his screen, top left corner, buxom blonde (infidel, you would think, no?  No, I suspect I have just made a very un-PC joke.  Ah well…) humping anonymous male number one.  I almost walked into a wall in shock.  How was this man calmly sitting there, drawing his little drawing, all the while engaging in that sexy filth?  Was he turned on, hard and whatnot?  The man had been chatting with me across the table for half an hour…  Eh?  How now? 

We never spoke of that moment, but I wish we had.  I wish he had taught me how to watch porn and converse at the same time.  See, I don’t converse when watching sex, I sit there quietly, curtains drawn and sound turned down, eyes casting furtive glance over shoulder in case my mother miraculously appears behind me, such as she does when anything remotely sexy appears on screen.  Don’t laugh.  My mother knows when I’m ogling naked men, she calls me once they pop up, just to say hello.  Only this weekend she called me as I was watching Breaking Bad, right when Mr White was stripping down to his skivvies, as he always does (for the record, that’s the least sexy thing to grace a screen, ever).  The woman is psychic, is all I’m saying, either that or she’s psychically connected the undressed men on my TV, but I digress.  I wish I’d asked the man how, and why, he was watching porn at 10 am, in a public place, while engaging in seemingly serious conversation with me.  He might have shed some insight into the workings of the male mind and saved me a boatload of trouble with another man, several years later, but that’s a story for another day.  Detour over.

That men like porn is a given.  Now look at the righteous types getting ready to protest.  Listen, men like to look at women, love to look at naked women and really love to watch sex.  Upstanding men of ‘sound morals’ claim not to, but watch them ogle their naked lovers, revelling in the sight of bare flesh, and maybe sneaking a glance at a ragga video in the ma3 from time to time, watching them hump floors and shit.  I’m just saying, I don’t know of a single man who is not entranced by the female form, especially when said female form is barely clad.  It’s nature and I choose not to get upset about it.  Well, that and I plan on getting into the porn industry one of these days, make some money off your pervy little behinds, can’t be scaring away future clients, can I?  My point is, men like naked women.  Women know that men like naked women.  Women also like naked women.  And naked men.  Yes, we do.  No, they’re lying to you, we like them too.  No really, they are lying through their hypocritical teeth when they tell you we don’t.  That pastor cum bishop with her shiny skirt suit and 30k weave, she likes to look too, and she likes to be looked at for good measure, look at how that skirt hugs her bum just so…  What’s that?  She’s not naked?  Hmmm… 

I know, I will burn in hell.  She’ll be right next to me that one, in her shiny Mercedes, with her bike riding hubby on the other side.  Just saying…

Gentlemen, women like porn too.  Admittedly, women like different porn.  We like a bit of a story to the story, not because we like stories, but because we like seduction.  We like the progression from random strangers meet on the bus to random strangers getting busy (as opposed to random strangers showing up mysteriously on a couch and doing the fucking like rabbits, as seen in Bootilicious Babes Episodes 1-27).  We like the back story to sex, because our sex always has back stories, and we want to watch sex slightly similar to our own.  More outrageous, definitely, but remotely resembling reality.  Where men are content to watch, remaining removed from the action, women want to get sucked in.  A woman watching porn is the woman in the porn.  That’s why erotica (written porn) is so popular with women, as are the fluffy romance novels and gaudy telenovellas, those allow us to insert ourselves into the story, become the wanton heroine being ravaged by the tall dark stranger.  See, the dodgy videos with unrealistically proportioned women do nothing for us, at all, we can’t put ourselves in her g-string even if we wanted to, and we don’t.

Now that’s not to say that all women love the fluffy romantic nonsense, some women like good old fashioned smut, with men in socks and women in, well, no socks.  Some women like fetish porn, whips and chains and all that kinky stuff.  Some women like porn with no sex (yes, it exists, and no, I don’t know why), while some women do not like any porn whatsoever (again, I don’t know why).  Different strokes, no?  The same way men come in all shapes and kinky sizes, so do women.  Don’t take my word for it, read the Saturday papers for yourself, better still, read Maurice the therapist’s blog, see the women gushing over squirting (those photoshopped images are the second least sexy thing to ever be on a screen).  Offended by crude pictures?  How about Shades of Grey then?  Pseudo kinky yet still fashionable enough to be seen carrying around, no?  How about the Songs of Solomon?  It’s spiritual and sexy, the perfect two for one deal (don’t waste your time cursing me, I already told you I’m going to hell).  Folks, there's tons of sex out there just waiting to be seen, read and listened to, quite literally anything your heart, or not heart, desires.  Warm and fluffy through to dark and twisted, it's all a click away these days.  Be nice to me and I might even share some of my favourites.  In hell.

Which brings me back to the beginning.  Do you like porn?  What kind of porn do you like, honestly, and does your lover know anything about it?  How will your lover get into your head, more importantly into your fantasies, if you refuse to open up?  See, porn is all about fantasy, and your choice in porn is about your specific fantasies.  If you like to watch orgies, odds are you have a hankering to shag a couple of women, or men, or both.  You like erotica with vampires (ahem), perhaps you want to bite someone, who knows?  You love Mills and Boons, perhaps you crave romance, and throbbing manhoods.  Point is, if you don’t share your porn with your lover, then how will they know?  And don’t just throw a book at him, or stick the DVD on and force her eyelids open with matchsticks, you need to explain a little, lest your point is lost in the sex, or filth.  Show, and then tell, and then hopefully you shall do.  Yes?