Welcome to THE Kai Ni Kii
1. Foolish
plan to stay free.
UHURUTO
Ah…the dynamic duo. It takes a certain amount of brilliance to
spend billions of shillings to get jobs that would keep you out of jail, in
theory, when paying a couple of lawyers (and witnesses) significantly less
would have achieved the same result. Genius
plan. They hopped around the continent
in expensive jets, spent all their time threatening anyone who would listen,
dancing with the Chinese to spite the Brits and Yanks, and all so they could
get their cases deferred? Deferred, as
in postponed? That’s a lot of effort to
go to for a temporary reprieve, especially for a couple of innocent chaps. Lucky for them, we’re picking up most of the
tab these days. Hang on, this plan
actually was brilliant. Dammit.
2. Foolish plan to win an election.
These buggers… Exactly what crack were they smoking? What did they think, that the downtrodden
masses would look at them and think, ‘Hmmm…even though they’ve gone out of
their way to find new and improved ways of screwing each other over for the
last five years, perhaps they’re just the buggers to sort us out, no?’ No.
Turns out the masses were feeling nothing. Sorry.
3. Foolish Plan to…what was the plan exactly?
THE 51%
Did you vote for Jubilee? Are you feeling a little cheated? Do you now see that when these politicians
screw us, they screw all of us, irrespective of where you come from or who you
voted for? Your Jubilee asses are no
less sore than our CORD/AMANI/NARC KENYA/SISI KWA SISI/Dida’s party asses, not
unless you buggers have VAT waivers, and special Jubilee cards that get you
medical treatment when the doctors and nurses are on strike. You don’t, do you?
4. Foolish Plan to get laid
SONKO AND SHEBESH
In the realm of foolish plans to shag someone
you shouldn’t be shagging, this one took the cup. They did what, these two geniuses? You know what the worst part was? Those pictures were not worth the furore,
just a couple of strange selfies of a couple that should have known better than
to take pictures of themselves in compromising situations. I can see them now, Sonko pleading, “Baibee,
just one more one…” Useless buggers.
5. Foolish Plan to make sure others never get laid.
THE FRENCH LOWER HOUSE OF PARLIAMENT
For a country with openly acknowledged
mistresses for all and sundry, high and low, a law fining prostitutes’ clients
seems a bit odd, no? A $2000 fine for
paying for sex, and none for soliciting for said sex, seems like a good way to
stamp out this most evil vice, but may I point out that the men being fined are
paying, yaani willingly parting with money for the putang? I don’t get it. I get the concern that some prostitutes are
in fact sex slaves, and that more needs to be done to curtail the sex
trafficking fuelling the industry, but fining the buggers paying for sex? I don’t get it…
6. Foolish Plan to take over the world.
Lakini these chaps are special, third time on the list, for the same plan. You’d think they’ve realised the foolishness of their plan, but nooooo… They came to Nairobi with a plan to cause terror and terror they caused, at the heart of cosmopolitan (read plus wazungus) Nairobi Chuck Norris
7. Foolish Plan to save the country.
PARLIAMENT
When not hiking their salaries and passing random
bills, clearing KDF of looting allegations and forming commissions to investigate
another arm of government, they found the time to withdraw Kenya
8. Foolish
Plan to save the world, one water bottle, sorry, mall at a time.
KDF
Last year they were my heroes, for kicking
ass in Somalia
9. Foolish
Plan to save face.
OLE LENKU
Bloody nkt!
I’d say more, but what for? This
negro can do bad all by himself.
10. Foolish
Plan to save Africa .
They waded into Mali Al Qaeda
11. Foolish
Plan to overthrow somebody, anybody.
Ah Juju…
Bless him, this man is true genius. Not
only did he manage to get kicked out of the ANC, he then went and formed his own party, the Economic Freedom Fighters,
EFF, and they have red berets. Effing brilliant! There’s the minor matter of a corruption case,
but my man Julius shall effing
overcome. I can do this all effing day…
12. Foolish
Plan to (mis)inform.
THE
MEDIA
The year began badly, with the media
collectively going to sleep just when we needed them to wake up. They spent two months stroking politicians’
egos while telling the unhappy masses to be peaceful. Ask questions about the election process, the
dodgy manifestos and the blatant propaganda?
But why? They kept screaming
peace as the IEBC fell to pieces and the Supreme Court took to rambling, later falling
over themselves in awe at the inauguration.
And then they went for tea at State House. By the time Westgate rolled around, they were
so snug in the politicians’ back pockets, they were nestled firmly in the cracks
therein. And now they talk of
gagging? Gag what exactly?
13. Foolish Plan to (mis)represent.
It’s always nice to have a lady on the
list, especially one so educated. Pity
about the whole no registration thing, and the subsequent lies.
14. Foolish Plan to (mis)manage.
SHOLLEI
AND SHOLLEI
The woman admitted to 33 counts, amounting
to the loss or possible loss of 1.7B.
1.7B? That alone should see her locked
up forever and ever. Her husband then
proceeded to turn her unnecessarily messy dismissal into a national crusade
against the evil JSC (lakini those allowances?
What the hell, Willy ?),
revealing his media house as a sham of a news organisation (although, in
fairness, their crap reporting had already convinced us of that fact). This delusional couple should get a lifetime
achievement award for foolishness, given that they’ve been running their scams,
sorry, businesses from back in the nineties.
15. Foolish Plan to go digital.
THE LAPTOP
PROJECT
In the realm of foolish plans, this one has
taken the cake. Laptops for Standard One
kids? Of all the silly promises they
made on the campaign trail, this is the one they thought to implement? Exactly whose dumbass idea was this? Yes, dumbass.
What the hell does a 7 year old child need a laptop for when he can
barely read, or write, or type? If they
had said tablets, I’d be all for it, but laptops? Really?
And there’s not much clarity on the plan either, one report says 17.4B over three years to get
the project off the ground including training and construction of computer labs,
but yesterday it was 24B for 1.2M laptops.
You’d think they’d have thought to use that money to build more schools
first, and hire more teachers, and maybe even get round to overhauling the
entire bloody curriculum such that every child can go digital too, and not just
the little ones still learning their ABC’s.
Happy New Year folks.
