Welcome to THE Kai Nikii? FOOLISH PLANS AWARDS 2012, the annual roll call of idiots who have entertained and frustrated us this year. We would like them to know that their efforts at stupidity did not go unnoticed, although perhaps they should have?
1. Foolish Plan to get laid
Do you know just how foolish you have to be to win the same award twice? This bugger, not content with losing his job over his last foolish plan, then proceeded to become a pimp, and a ho, simultaneously. And his lawyer’s ‘naked woman and a naked prostitute’ comment was by far the quote of the year. I love this little Frenchman, long may he shag!
2. Foolish Plan to get others laid
HIS FORMER MAYORNESS GEORGIE
This lovely, lovely man won his award on the spot for his visionary attempt to legalise prostitution in our capital. It’s not so much that the plan was foolish, legalising what has been going on since the beginning of time doesn’t seem too irrational an idea. The foolishness was in his thinking that a rational discussion could be had in our hypocritical society that specialises in preaching water and practising wine, and sodomy. He should have made it law first, and then announced it to the masses. Ah well…
3. Foolish Plan to get a wife.
the GEM DUDE
Can this man please get a standing ovation? This genius took the search for a wife to all new heights, or depths, depending. Just when I thought I’d seen it all, he popped up in my Saturday paper, restoring our faith in humanity’s unfailing ability to do the most foolish things, in public. Strange thing is, I suspect his search was fruitful, I have a sneaky suspicion that this man is on his way down the aisle in the near future, and happily so. What? Stranger things have happened, no?
4. Foolish Plan to be a wife.
You have to be a bit concerned when a woman takes to the media to announce her (alleged) nuptials, to another woman’s man no less, several other women’s man to be precise, and then declines to name said man, the man her baby is a spitting image of. Say it with me…EH? What the…? More importantly, who cares whose woman you are, you daft girl? This is the problem with our (fake) celebrity culture, the woman eradicates a couple of jiggers and suddenly feels the need to lay claim to the brokest MP out there, the one MP who’s spent more time in court over the last five years than that Waibara genius (he who paid an idiot to sit his exam, and still failed). That takes skill, and a certain amount of foolishness. Everyone please take note, it’s possible that a pretty face and a functioning brain are mutually exclusive, perhaps…
5. Foolish Plan to take over the world.
Again they make the list, again for all the right reasons. Say what you will about us Kenyans and our peculiar tendencies, but dammit if our army didn’t kick some serious ass this year. Unfortunately, they were kicking the asses of misguided souls who have visions of Mali-esque takeovers and Kano-type religious conflict. The war has come home, and all because these geniuses don’t have the good sense to know when they’re beaten. Incidentally, this is what happens when you ban Kung Fu movies, and
, you don’t know when to stay the fuck down. Not to worry though, KDF will kick their asses again, somehow. Chuck Norris
6. Foolish Plan to take over the city.
The man got conned trying to con us. Surely there’s an ISO certification for this level of foolishness…
7. Foolish Plan to become president.
ROMNEY, AND CHARITY NGILU
This genius thought a campaign built on the interests of the 1%, constantly talking shit about the 47%, repeatedly drawing on the fears of an impoverished middle class of the allegedly impending end of days, and the Chinese, repeatedly lying and flip-flopping all over the place (the man gave new meaning to the word mendacity, no?), he thought this was a brilliant plan to become the (not) most powerful man on earth? Can you say delusional? And speaking of deluded, Mama Rainbow and her coalition hopping antics of the past month have finally managed to do what the ICC and Miguna couldn’t, and that’s to expose Kenyan politics for the shameless farce it truly is. We thank you for your service to the nation Madam.
8. Foolish Plan to blame the devil.
“Dark forces made me do it!” Really? Pray tell, what else has shetani made you do, because there are a couple of incidents that have caused me some concern? My friend, as the resident drunk in my local is fond of saying, when the devil starts to talk to you, do not talk back to him, just put your drink down and go home. Really.
9. Foolish Plan to blame God.
We know this man as the (former) face of Focus on the Family, he used to be on our screens almost every evening dispensing snippets of wisdom on how to raise our families all good and Christian like. Those seemingly harmless snippets, however, were simply a smokescreen for his conservative ideology, a dodgy ideology they like to sell to us ignorant Africans under the guise of uplifting televangelism. This bugger, not content with trying to rid
, and the ignorant natives, of soul-corroding sin (read homosexuality, and Obama), then took to the podium to blame the recent shooting at America on the decay of society and the subsequent divine retribution. He said, and I will quote, “I mean millions of people have decided that God doesn't exist, or He's irrelevant to me and we have killed 54 million babies and the institution of marriage is right on the verge of a complete redefinition. Believe me, that is going to have consequences, too.” Now I often take to blaming God for all manner of misfortune in my life, erroneously so I might add, but to blame the Most High for a crazy bugger shooting children? God? Seems like a bit of a stretch, no? Sandy Lane Elementary
10. Foolish Plan to overthrow somebody, anybody.
This bugger has redefined special! He got into bed with
Jacob, and together they got rid of Thabo, and then Jacob decided he no longer needed the young man, but shock on him when the young man was not ready to be bumped off. Juju, in his customary brilliance, has managed to piss off pretty much everyone, black people, white people, young people, old people, hell, I suspect even his own wife at the rate he’s going. But for all his bluster, he couldn’t ‘Polokwane’ Jacob, seeing as how they kicked him out of the party, and now he’s up the proverbial shit creek without a paddle, which means he’s about to do something foolish, again. Brilliant!
11. Foolish Plan to get rich quick, or die trying.
RANDOM CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS
It came to pass that some Nigerian gangsters (or oil marketers, depending on the version you read) thought to kidnap the mother of
, Dr. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala 's Coordinating Minister for the Economy and Finance Minister, either for a hefty ransom or in an attempt to force her to pay their ludicrous claims for oil subsidies. The subsequent account of ransom negotiations and police investigations reads like a cheap Nollywood thriller, complete with betrayal (half the gang ran off with the chumz, and the other half got busted trying to get more), accusations and counter accusations, and the mandatory tearful plea for release. Ma broda o… Nigeria
12. Foolish Plan to get a raise.
They called it a retirement package, but we called it yet another scheme to fleece us, their employers. Of all their foolish plans, and there have been many, too many, this was the one that will forever cement them in our (seemingly) fickle memories.
13. Foolish Plan to not get a raise.
This bugger went and got himself fired. And then he published a tell-all, or tell-nothing as it were, exposing his former employer as a bit of an unserious joker. Meanwhile, he was trying to get paid, in court, by said unserious joker. Good plan, no? On the up side though, he became a superstar for all of one month, and his ‘Come baby, come!’ finally gave us a chance to use nonsense political phrases in the bedroom, and that’s always good fun.
14. Foolish Plan to get onto the front page.
RAILA’S OLYMPIC BID
We’ve long become accustomed to this man unleashing the most ludicrous statements, but this one took the cup. Its not that he felt the need to throw our collective hat into a ring we have no business even looking at, he’s been making this silly claim since kendo 1995, hell, katikati yao said the same thing in Beijing, four years ago. The problem was that the PM chose to make this claim immediately after King David’s record breaking run, thereby stealing the limelight from a more deserving recipient, and in the process shining a spotlight on our, shall we say, inadequacies as a country. Boss, when the entire world is talking about
in a positive light, thanks to a moment of genuine brilliance, just shut up and smile, please. Kenya
15. Foolish Plan to stay on the front page.
2012 was the year of plagiarism, and oh how they did it so well. The Iranian FARS geniuses, and they truly are the most brilliant geniuses of the year, not only plagiarised an entire news story, it was a fake news story, so fake it was literally laughable. They have earned themselves levels of shame previously reserved for the North Koreans. And then there was Mr Zakaria, (allegedly) esteemed columnist for Time and host of his own show on CNN, he engaged in the most foolish example of cut and paste, he stole from a woman as respected, if not more so, than himself, and then he blamed his research assistants (read co-authors). He got off with a minor slap on his wrist. As did Ms ‘don’t write your ignorant filth on my wall’ Mutoko, she who didn’t, to my memory, have the basic courtesy to admit the error of her ways, because lifting damn near entire blog posts is nothing to be ashamed of in her misguided universe. Suffice to say whatever she says is now taken with a pinch of salt, well, a bigger pinch of salt given that she was never the most credible of (and I use this term most loosely) columnists. Note to all, there’s a reason it’s called the World Wide Web, you may have the internet, but so do we, and we have Google too, so there!
Happy New Year folks.