The end is (not) nigh!

You gotta love the Mayans, those negroes are the shit!  Yes, I called them negroes, don’t be fooled by their light skin, anyone who has the good sense to stick the end of days in December, on a Friday, giving us the ultimate long weekend, well that bugger has to be a black man, in colour or in spirit.  And it gets better, not content with their modest achievement of getting the whole world (read America and China) to sit up and start planning for their imminent demise, they’ve then figured out how to make a dollar or two off the foolish white man, Mysticism, Internet fuel Mexico's Maya ‘Armageddon’ fears.  Says one Jose May, a Merida tourism official of Maya descent, over in the Yucatan peninsula, same peninsula currently home to some thousands of crazy people, happily waiting for god only knows what, “If people who believe in this joke want to come, let them.  Nobody here believes that. Those people were sold an idea.”  Ah Jose… tell me that man is not a black man?  These buggers may very well be our ancestors, but for a slight genetic mix-up.

Now the end of the world, real or imagined, is not complete without the mandatory Prince soundtrack, because no one does the end quite like the man who once was a symbol.  This bugger… there are some musicians I cannot talk about, not because there’s nothing to say, but because there’s too much to say.  The man is brilliant, and strange, and he does things to a guitar that I sometimes suspect are beyond the comprehension of us mere mortals.  If you don’t know, then you need to learn.  I’ll leave it at that.  The song is not ‘1999’, because we did that when the world ended 12 years ago, this time we’re doing ‘Sign O’ The Times’.

Hurricane Annie ripped the ceiling off a church

And killed everyone inside

You turn on the telly and every other story

Is telling you somebody died

A sister killed her baby

'Cuz she couldn't afford to feed it

And we're sending people to the moon

In September, my cousin tried reefer

For the very first time

Now he's doing horse, it's June

As much as I am a sceptic, and I’m pretty sure the alleged prediction was nothing but absolute and utter hogwash, all week I’ve been thinking to myself, so what if it really is the end?  And is it going to be like the rapture, with only a few of the chosen disappearing, or will it be all of us going off to heaven, or hell?  Being the special Kenyan I am, I can only think in third world terms, thus cannot conceive of an afterlife with enough room for however many billion people we are, which can only mean that not all of us will get to exit this planet, if and when the time comes.  This in turn means that there is a possibility that we could arrange for the removal of certain choice characters, no?  Think about it, if a rapture like event was to occur in Kenya, there would be separate lists for raia, VIP’s and VVIP’s, and another one especially for politicians and idiot press, because no one wants to go where they’re going, right?  I’m thinking, in true special Kenyan fashion, that I could probably pay someone to add a couple of names to the list of those who are leaving us.  Hell, for that privilege I’d give my left boob, but only if results are guaranteed, because I like my left boob, the right one not so much but the left is damn near perfect.  I digress... 

To this end, I would like to propose the Kai Nikii? list of seven people we would be better off without.  Understand this, I’m not proposing death or anything, I’m thinking more along the lines of relocation to a distant land, with the right to return guaranteed once amends have been made.  I am, after all, a democrat.

1.      She who does the news on CapitalFM.

Now I’ve been listening to this woman from back in the day when she was at MetroFM and she used to play some kickass R&B in the morning, but her continued abuse of names cannot be allowed to continue.  So help me, if she butchers Gbagbo one more time…  For crying out loud woman, there are two g’s and two b’s, admittedly with one g silent, but how on earth do you end up with Gabo?  Eh?

2.      CapitalFM promotions department, if there’s such a thing.

I’ve also been listening to Capital since they came on air back in the 90’s.  I have mourned the exit of brilliant ones (Ah Leo…long may you live in my memories) and celebrated the demise of spectacularly crap ones (fare thee well Mr Foot), but now I think we’re finally done.  Problem is, these buggers have realised that we don’t pay attention to the crap ads they air (why are radio ads so horrible?), so they’ve decided work the ads into their regular nonsense chatter.  I know, everyone does it, but Capital have taken it to all new heights.  Remember when TNA was being launched and they spent a couple of weeks running their ‘I believe’ campaign, without telling us that it was a promotion for (what is allegedly) a political party?  By all means, peddle whatever shit you feel the need to peddle, but know that I’m gone, I’ve hama’d to Hot96, those buggers have all of 3 ads, all day.

3.      The genius who told EasyFM that we want to hear the same 10 songs, all day, every day, forever.

I’ve never understood how NationFM became MonotonousFM.  Nation, back in the days of Munene, Teddy and Ngatia in the morning, was the shit, and then some marketing genius came up with the brilliant plan to play only one type of music.  What the?  On the up side though, at least they didn’t pick Country, I suspect the same Don Williams song for a week would drive me to drink, well, drink more.  That genius, he must be removed from our midst forthwith, idiot went and messed up what was once a great radio station. 

4.      The geniuses who thought to put roundabouts UNDER the superhighway. 

I like the Chinese, they’re kinda like negroes too, what with summary executions and rampant corruption, no?  Unfortunately, their nyeuthi tendencies extend to their road designs.  The whole point of the highway was to get rid of the roundabouts, not to move them.  That said, there is now a real highway where there was practically none left to talk about, so only the two or three designers who came up with this little piece of brilliance have to leave, the rest of you lovelies can stay and keep giving us lovely yellow yellow babies.  Long live the Chinese!

5.       The traffic cops at the roundabouts on Uhuru Highway, and the geniuses at City Hall who haven’t thought to simply sort out the traffic lights, maybe even, oh I don’t know, switch the damn things on?

I’m not sure what the plan is, but I’m pretty sure it stopped working like 5 years ago.  Its time to stick these geniuses on a plane to a far off land, never to return until they master the fine art of counting to a hundred, or using a stopwatch. 

6.      The shitty tailor who makes cops’ trousers.

We have a new katiba with a shiny bill of rights that guarantees our right to dignity.  I would like to propose that dignity be extended to cover the uniform of our security officers, because there is something cruel and unusual about the crap trousers, and boots, they make these buggers wear.  If you insist on having these men and women stand in the hot African sun all day, then at least give them comfortable, fitting, khaki pants, pants that reach their ankles.  And get them some decent boots for fucks sake.  What’s that?  You can’t afford it?  This from the government that spent 7.2B on what looked to me to be a laptop connected to that thingi for scanning bar codes at the supermarket?  But I digress…  The government tailor, he must go, for crimes against human form. 

7.      Jubilee and CORD, and maybe even the other one whose name escapes me (because it’s clearly not memorable…)

Someone has to say it, might as well be me.  These buggers, and I’m referring to all of the powers that (claim to) be in those alleged coalitions, from the communications twats to the chairmen to the various candidates on billboards all over the place, what the hell kind of crack are these idiots smoking?  These geniuses are everywhere you look, constantly saying shit, but for all the noise they spew they are all saying SWEET FUCK ALL.  They must go.  It’s not even that I disagree with their (and I use this term loosely) politics, I’m just tired of the endless bullshit lies, lies and alibis.  Go away, please.   Incidentally, if what I saw jana on TV was true, the world did in fact end on Friday, and we are now stuck in a horrible afterlife.  Katikati yao in a loving embrace with Jakom?  But si a few years back they said, and I quote, “In hell!”?

Sign 'o' the times mess with your mind

Hurry before it's too late

Let's fall in love, get married, have a baby

We'll call him Nate, if it's a boy

Time…

Merry Christmas, my lovelies.