We don’t have to take our clothes off, to have a good time…

It occurs to me that we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to get each other naked, frantically pursuing the sight of bare flesh like our lives depend on it.  Now while I am quite fond of the whole process of undressing a suitably desirable man, and having him undress me in turn, I’ve come to realise that there’s something to be said for keeping your clothes on, well, most of them.  See, when its time for a quickie, possibly in a slightly public location, you don’t need to be stripping down to your birthday suit.


You didn’t really think I was going to sit here and preach abstinence, did you?  What kind of cheap crack are you smoking, you poor creature?  Si I told you I’m in the sewer all month?  You weren’t listening, were you?  You just shook your head, didn’t you?  Useless buggers…  As always, the disclaimer must be given, walk away if you’re feeling a little fragile.  This is about sex, and not just any old sex, nasty animal sex, the type of sex that doesn’t involve extensive preparation, or even extensive foreplay.  Stop frowning, I know you do it, too, every so often you get so hot for that idiot you can’t help but jump him in the car, or office closet, or your kitchen floor… shit happens, no?  No?  Hmmm… 

Conventional wisdom has it that the quickie is the preserve of new lovers, still basking in the shininess of their recently discovered lust, revelling in the pleasure of being able to shag like rabbits all day, every day.  The dopamine high you’re on pretty much guarantees that you crave sex every time you set eyes on each other, with the same high pretty much ensuring that your mind is addled enough to forget about propriety.  What I’m saying is that you’re so fucked up, your inhibitions regarding, say, sex in an elevator, are being overridden by the lust clouding your vision and steering your gonads.  It’s all you can do not to jump the poor bastard right then and there.  The quickie is also associated, some would say unfairly, with illicit sex, and is seen, on TV at least, as the sex of choice for cheating bastards, seeing as how their choice of staging locations is limited.  Think about it, on screen, sex between loving partners is all soft lighting and shags involving strawberries, but sex between the sneaky bastards is a sordid, yet steamy, romp on a staircase.  If Hollywood is to be believed, quickies are only for bad, bad people, and the rest of us good types need only concern ourselves with ‘making love’.  Eh?  So either I’m shagging a new man, or cheating on an old one?  What a load of complete bollocks, no? 

Do you think that because you’re in a loving relationship with a good God-fearing partner, there’s no place in your relationship for such sordid matters?  Or is it that you think sex has to be a marathon love-making session, complete with scented candles and matching sheets, on your bed?  You think that sex is a special bond shared with someone you love, and engaging in such base activities demeans your bond?  Only bad boys and girls have quickies?  Only a slut, male or female, has sex on the floor?  If you answered yes to any of these, really?  No really, really?  Ah well…  Folks, while I appreciate the significance of sex in a relationship, the emotional bond created when you shag someone (repeatedly?) and the intimacy of the act between lovers, sometimes sex is just that, sex.  I’m not saying there’s no love in a quickie, I’m just saying that sometimes sex for the pleasure of sex is a good thing, and a quickie is about pleasure, simple pleasure.  The quickie is the tangy starter, or sweet dessert, to the buffet that is sex, a bite-sized piece of pleasure, swift, but intense, release, just think of it as a mutual wank. 

I think I had almost managed to convince the righteous amongst us, until I threw in that crass piece of wisdom, no?  Moving on swiftly…

As with all things sex, there’s always the chorus of (un)suitably restrained people, frowning on the masses succumbing to their animal instincts, gorging themselves on sexual pleasure like the end is nigh, engaging in shameful exhibitionist displays in all manner of inappropriate places, like a beach.  For the more uptight amongst us, the lack of control and the willingness to engage in reckless behaviour, that’s a bad thing.  How dare you succumb to your base desires, have you no shame?  For those of us who were brought up in religious homes, and that would be most of us, this is the default setting, no?  Our parents taught us that sex is a ‘bad manners’ thing, restricted to adults and only in the confines of the tightly locked bedrooms, lessons we, unfortunately, took to heart.  Problem is, anything forbidden inevitably becomes something of desire, no?  Thanks to being constantly bombarded with the ‘sex is a dirty thing’ message, it’s no wonder our generation is a bit of a whore.  Now I’ve concluded that these repressed upbringings are the reason why quickie sex, with all the hasty fumbling and energetic thrusting is the reason it remains one of women’s favourite fantasies.  Us women we fantasise about passionate sex, hot, reckless, sometimes dirty sex, because that’s the one thing we are not supposed to have, because we’re such good little girls.  And because I know you don’t believe me, you sceptical bastards, I have proof, Women’s top 5 fantasies and Female sex fantasies. 

From what I’ve read, the spontaneity of the quickie is the reason it inspires strong reactions across the divide.  Some see it as passionate, an impulsive act, liberating almost, a return to simple sex, without all the bells and whistles R&B songs tell us we must have.  According to the many (alleged) experts in No time for sex?, having a quickie will, among other things, recharge you.  Well, woohoo!  They also say that you can have an ‘emotional quickie’, all tantric-like with much staring into eyes and what not, so perhaps theirs is advice to be taken with a pinch of salt.  That said, its no coincidence that when couples are looking to rekindle the flame, the first prescription is the quickie, it’s an attempt to turn back the clock to the dopamine days of when they first met.  Now if the lovely gentlemen of AskMen are to be believed, men are always ready for a quick shag, but us women, not so much.  Gents, before you pounce on your woman you might want to read Quickie Sex Etiquette.  For the lazy ones amongst us, I’ll summarise, “so long as you keep a woman's mind excited, her body will follow”.  I’d just like to point out that I said exactly that, many months ago, but did you listen?  Nooooo…  Bloody Nkt!  Lastly, because I’m thorough, here are 8 sexy locations for quickie sex, complete with recommended positions, although you might want to modify this list to suit your (presumably) local setting.  I’m just saying, that list will work in New York, but you try pulling that elevator stunt in Nairobi and you will be locked up for terrorism before you arrive at your destination.

The point to all this?  Once in a while, not all the time mind you, it would be nice to have an uncomplicated shag, one that does not involve elaborate rituals before, and possibly after.  One that has more to do with satisfying desires than ‘showing your love’ or such like nonsense.  A shag that, while extremely short, is intense enough to scratch that most primal itch.  Ultimately, the appeal, or possibly therein lack of (I can’t imagine why), of the quickie lies in the impulsiveness of the act, its passion and not much else, with the added bonus of the inherent risk (seeing as you didn’t plan, and therefore will most likely be shagging where you perhaps shouldn’t be shagging?) only serving to make it all the more exciting.  My people, your mission this holiday, should you choose to accept it, is to go out and have a quick fuck.  Go on, indulge yourself with something foolish for a change, this life is serious enough without complicating sex any more than we absolutely have to.  Just remember to keep some clothes on, in case askari shows up, with his rungu.  And by rungu, I mean rungu.

Which brings us back to the soundtrack, Jermaine Stewart’s ‘We don’t have to take our clothes off’.  Now back in the day when I first heard this song, I whole-heartedly agreed with the man, seeing as how I was kendo 10 years old and didn’t really understand what he was talking about, but it resonated with what the they were saying in Church and that was good enough for me.  Plus the song is very funky.  These days, however, older and wiser, I am deeply offended by the message. 

Just slow down if you want me,
A man wants to be approached cool and romantically,
I've got needs just like you,
Give me conversations, good vibrations, through and through,
So come on baby won't you show some class,
Why you wanna move so fast…

A man telling me to show some class?  A man?  Eh?  Dude, what the hell are you, a girl?  Perhaps.  After watching the video, and you really should watch the video, it occurs to me that his issues with women being too forward had nothing to do with the forward and everything to do with the women.  I’m just saying, when this bugger sang ‘Dont talk dirty to me’, I’m not sure we fully grasped his, umm, bone of contention.  On the up side, I can now blame all my grown up issues on my dodgy upbringing, listening to in the closet buggers like this one and what not…