It has been a very entertaining couple of weeks for news junkies like me. In between tales of Weta stuck in Mali and talk of evacuation attempts (Am I the only one who had visions of Chuck Norris in Delta Force running through my head?); random pseudo elders in monkey cloaks and hats telling us they plan on collecting 2 million signatures so our (alleged) king doesn’t have to stand trial before elections, thereby denying us our constitutional rights (Really? Who comes up with these brilliant ideas?); the PM getting into a fight with the Muslims for firing the prettiest, scratch that, the only pretty minister in the cabinet; our formerly tough talking justice minister accepting his apparent demotion with not so much as a whimper (Kazi ni kazi, yes? Although it’s probably a case of once a langa, always a langa…); NHC in meltdown after their own internal audit found them to be stealing houses (Now that’s what I call grand corruption, if you going to steal shit, steal big shit, literally!); CMC in further meltdown (FYI, apparently the offshore account wasn’t a secret, it was a fund for the wazungus. Eh?); Gor fans still throwing stones and refusing to pay gate fees... Wow! We’ve been busy little bees, haven’t we? And yet the price of bread hasn’t come down, shame man!
This week, prezzo proudly informed us that we struck oil. Well woohoo! The good times are here again! With the country carved up into neatly shaped blocks running the length of the Rift and North Eastern, we’ve finally found use for the frontier regions we’ve been ignoring for so long. Places that until now we’d only hear about when some random Ethiopian or Somali bandit wandered across the border and shot up the joint. These are now the hottest pieces of real estate in all the land, but not surprisingly, said properties already have owners, and I’m guessing none of them is from anywhere near Turkana, but that remains to be seen. What we do know, however, is that if the Kenyan gova had been responsible for the partition of Africa all those years ago, then my geography classes would have been much easier. None of those awkward boundaries that are almost impossible to draw, noooo, everything would have been nice and rectangular. If only, no?
Slight detour, I have to ask a stupid question here, if the oil is a liquid in a pocket within the rock, and said pocket extends beyond my block, how will they keep me from tapping what’s in my neighbours block? It’s like sharing a milkshake with two straws, no? Its all about who’s sucking more, faster. If there’s a geologist amongst us, please enlighten me...
Back to this oil saga, if other African countries are anything to go by, then we’re in for one hell of a ride. Where before they were stealing free primary education billions, we can conceivably see them stealing oil trillions (think Triton scandal, but much, much, muuuuch bigger). Where before we could barely trust them to store oil in a depot without random explosions every so often, now we get to worry about x amount of crude, that not only needs to be stored, but transported across great distances and then refined as well. Where before we worried that we couldn’t save our environment by planting a couple of trees, now we plan to give ruthless multinationals with atrocious track records license to bleed us dry and stick us with the cleaning bill. But hey, what do I know? I’m the idiot worrying about straws and such like. Surely the experts at the Ministry of Energy have a solid plan in place right? Of course, these are the geniuses who came up with the formula for calculating the price of fuel. Perhaps we should all be a little scared.
And in unrelated but much more entertaining news, the lawyer for one DSK has officially taken the cup for brilliance. This bugger, in defending his client who’s accused of arranging and partaking of sex in a communal setting, said this, “He could easily not have known, because as you can imagine, at these kinds of parties you’re not always dressed, and I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute from any other naked woman.“ Said client has since been charged.
And last but not least, researchers in America (of course) have proven that women can and do in fact experience orgasms during exercise, they’re calling it the ‘coregasm’ (Working the coregasm). Something to do with abdominal muscles and contractions, its all a bit scientific, but the bottom line is this, not only are crunches and squats key to getting the ever elusive flat tummy and tight ass, apparently they’ll also get you off as well. Now that’s what I call incentive...
POSTSCRIPT
I had to edit the title to this post, apparently naked prostitute has led several unlucky bastards here in the hopes of finding a loose picture or two. Who knew?
POSTSCRIPT
I had to edit the title to this post, apparently naked prostitute has led several unlucky bastards here in the hopes of finding a loose picture or two. Who knew?
