Wear makeup?
Only if you look like the back of a bus. Provided your facial features are in the right place, roughly, they couldn’t care less if you’re wearing Revlon Berry
Wear perfume?
Only if you’re wearing the cheap stuff that’s designed to fumigate an entire building. Yes, they want you to smell good, but their definition of good is… not bad. Bora you’ve had a shower recently, you’re fine. If you have to, then wear the real stuff, sparingly, he will still be able to smell you, I promise.
Wear high heels?
Only if he’s a midget. The rest of these buggers look at manolos and think ‘blah!’. And just so you know, any jamaa who comments on your shoes is batting for the other side, really.
Dress up all the time?
Yes. Don’t believe him when he says he likes the simple look, to him that means looking like you’ve just stepped out of a magazine, but only took 2 minutes to do so. Impossible? Of course, deal with it.
Wear a mini skirt?
Only if he has a pulse. And you have nice legs, with no suspicious scars, or hair. If your legs look like you’ve spent many hours by an open fire, spare yourself the disappointment and cover them up.
Wear tight jeans?
Yes. But only if you have a nice ass, and let’s face it, in the right pair of jeans, all asses are nice asses, look at white women.
Wear a low cut top?
Yes. But only if you have a nice boobs, and let’s face it, in the right bra, all boobs are nice boobs, no? Lift and separate ladies, lift and separate…
Wear a weave, or a wig?
Only if you look like you’re wearing a weave, or a wig. If it looks real, then no one ever has to know otherwise, especially not your girls, those jealous cows will sell you out.
Wear dreadlocks?
Only if they look like Dedan Kim athi’s, and you have a random twig/tree sticking out of your mouth, and a disturbingly close relationship with the po-po…
Have very short natural hair?
Only if you’re sporting well developed biceps as well, and have a fondness for getting into a loose brawl every so often.
Have a natural afro?
Only if it looks like Dedan Kim athi’s, before the dreads. If it looks like something they should never ever touch for fear of losing a digit, or an entire hand, comb that shit out.
Smoke?
Only if you’re puffing on what looks like an illegal substance. And even then, it depends on the man, no? I’m just saying, there are a couple of guys I know who are quite happy to have a woman who can provide…
Drink beer from a bottle bigger than theirs?
Only if the table is covered in many more of said bottle, and they’re all yours.
Drink expensive shit?
Only when they’re buying, then you will be written off as a high maintenance, pretentious user.
Don’t drink?
Only when you’re buying, seeing as how you’ll only buy them tea and shit. Of what use is that to them, woman?
Listen when they talk?
Yes. They like to think they are very engaging.
Don’t care for what they’re talking about?
No. They often are not paying attention to you, seeing as how they’re so engaged, with themselves.
Still look suitably impressed by his big...brain?
Yes.
Have a brain yourself?
No.
