Size matters.

You need to read that sentence not as a statement of fact, I'm not saying that size does in fact matter, what I'm talking about is matters of size.  That's less threatening, right?  The last thing I want is for your little Jimmy to retract even further into big Jimmy.  Come now, don’t be shy, it's not only yours that shrunk upon reading that line, at least nineteen others (half our population) did the same, no?  No?  Are you fellas not bothered by a conversation about the size of your members?  Then why the hell have I been ducking this for so long?  You should have told me...

Clearly we are in the sewer today, but this time we're heading into the drain pipes for some routine maintenance, clearing of unwanted blockages and such like.  Blushing flowers and whatnot, leave now, please.  Today I plan on making use of my apparently well earned reputation for 'loin discalming' activities (yes, I was accused, by proxy, of not having calm loins, this as it was suggested the likes of myself, among others, are less than suitable blog reading material).  Today I plan on talking about the size of your, or your man's, dick, because I can, so there!  Insert my most evil laugh here.  I must throw in one further disclaimer.  I know I like to make the odd reference to the size of a man, more often than not insinuating that anything less than 9 inches is a crying shame.  Thing is, and I need you to listen closely here, I have no idea what 9 inches actually looks like.  It's just one of those things I say, because I think I know, but I don’t really know, because I've never pulled out a tape measure mid coitus and pima'd a bastard, have I?  I've never even thought about doing it, seeing as how I'm otherwise preoccupied with said member, in the pursuit of what I hope will be pleasure.  Keep this information in mind at all times, I do not know how big it actually was/is, so don’t go thinking this is about you.  That's to make sure I don’t get slapped the next time I wink at the man all come hither like.  Stop laughing, this is a serious concern, men take their willies very seriously, too seriously sometimes.

How big is the average penis?  In Our New Research on the Penis Sizes of 1,661 American Men, Dr Debby Herbenick went out and found out the size of the average American penis. Turns out, the average penis is a whopping 14.15 cm.  That's about 5.57 Inches for the metrically challenged amongst us. Surprised?  Don’t be, turns out all that talk of 9 inches is nothing more than a vicious rumour.  Ahem. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking those are white men's dicks, a black man's cock is much, much bigger, right?  You may be onto something there, have a look at the map of penis size worldwide.  Can you see how the green areas are mostly found in Africa and South America and how America is a peachy colour?  Seems the black man, make that the African black man is in fact larger by as many as 4 cm (that's less than 2 inches).  Before you go strutting your magnificent cock around, kindly note that Kenya is grey, as in no information available.  Sudan (South and North) are mandingos, but how many of you can claim similarities with those buggers?  Ethiopia and Somalia are smack in the middle, but again, how many of you can claim to be even remotely related?  At best, my Kenyan brothers, you're wanna-be mandingo, so don't go challenging any Congolese brethren to a cock fight, is all I'm saying.

Now if you've taken a minute to think about it, you have to be asking yourself the simple question, how the hell is there data from Somalia and not Kenya?  There's no country up there to speak of, so who the hell did they count?  More importantly, you buggers, if ever there was a time to stand up and be counted, that was it, but nooooo... you were probably out drinking, useless langas the whole bunch of y'all!  I digress slightly, apologies.  They've given us this most lovely map of dicks, complete with technicolor and shit, but without much of any real data.  The black man has a bigger dick, on average?  Does he really?

11 Random Findings In a Study of Penis Sizes Around the World starts to poke holes in the statistics, and in a list format no less (most excellent).  Granted, he doesn’t try to dispute the 'African penis is the biggest' myth, but he does attempt a subtle take down of the 'higher IQ = smaller penis' argument being floated, somewhat disingenuously, by the researchers.  See, for all the charts and stuff, there is a long held view that the massive black dick is the reason why black men, and black women by association I presume, are more stupid.  Don’t believe me?  The Pseudoscience of Race Differences in Penis Size is a depressing read into the mock science of penis size.  Seems some of these researchers so keen to push the stereotype of large black men are doing so to advance their most flawed theories regarding our “personality, intelligence and social behaviour”.  Simply put, they figure we are a bunch of savages because we have big dicks.  “According to this theory, African men have the smallest brains and the largest penises, whereas Asian men are the opposite. This has been described as a ‘Goldilocks’ theory of race, in which European men are ‘just right’ having a combination of high intelligence and a reasonable genital endowment.”  Because that article is a load of scientific mumbo jumbo, have a look at this one, Average Penis size by Country, it lists 21 countries, including Africa. NKT!

Still proudly stroking your big black cock?  Stop nodding.

That said, is the black cock really bigger, on average?  ““Anthropological studies from the past 100 years have really documented that, on average, penis size of east Asian males are smaller than western European and North American males,” states Dr. Robert Francoeur, editor of The International Encyclopedia of Sexuality. “And African males, on average, have a larger penis size.” But Francoeur is also first to admit there are always many exceptions to the rule. So what’s the answer?”  This is the problem with the internet.  For every answer you find, there is an equal and opposite answer.  The writer continues, quoting yet another scientist, “Confused? Bain says that if penis size is related to race – which he says he’s not aware has been scientifically proven anywhere – it might actually make sense. After all, he points out, if Asian men have smaller penises than Caucasians, that may have something to do with the fact that their body build and height have a bearing on the matter. And when it comes to this side of the equation, Bain knows his stuff. Bain has looked at whether the length of a man’s penis can be determined (or guessed) simply by looking at some other less private body parts – like feet.”  Repost: Do ‘penis size’ studies measure up?  What this man is saying is that penis size is not related to race, at least not how they try to tell this story.  More to the point, the myth of the big black dick is one racial stereotype we need to shake off, forthwith.  Average Size … for a Black Man: Penis Size Myths, Racism, and the Patriarchy is mandatory reading for all ye men of intellect.

Racial politics aside, it's repeatedly stated that many men do not know how large they really are, and that many men think they're smaller than they are.  Size Doesn't Matter: 'Penis Shame' Is All in Guys' Heads.  Talk about a bloody rabbit hole.  Seems men are even more obsessed with their dicks than women are, “...30 percent reported dissatisfaction with their genitals. About 35 percent of the men were very happy with their penis size, with the rest falling somewhere in between satisfied and dissatisfied.”  You geniuses are convinced that women want big dicks, and that somehow yours is not big enough.  Fair enough, a lifetime spent absorbing ridiculous porn may have convinced you that other men are all humongously hung idiots, but surely a quick look around would prove otherwise?  Do men not like to get naked around each other at the drop of a hat?  No?  Hmmm...  That may just be one of my fantasies.  Seriously though, the idea that men are wandering around worrying about their size the same way women fret about their bums is a scary thought.  You do realise we can't tell how big you are until you get naked, and hard, and even then, we still don’t know how many inches long you are?  More importantly, we don’t care.  We may talk a lot of smack, but we don’t, not really.  Really.

Wait, I may be lying...

I started to think about this topic while reading a post on size on Adventures (my latest blog obsession) a couple of months back.  Now when I read about the 12 inch dick my brain froze, waiting for me to convert that into centimetres, and then convert that into an actual distance, about yea long (hands a foot apart).  Eh?  How now?  I put down my phone, and wandered off in search of a 'futi', because my mind could not, and still cannot conceive of a dick that massive.  How?  Why?  Ow...  That post, more accurately the comments below it got me thinking about how women talk about dicks, and about the size of our vaginas.  See, we keep going on about how big dicks are better and all that jazz, but most of us will willingly admit that big dicks are not all they're cracked up to be.  Simply put, that shit hurts!  A woman's hoohaa can stretch quite wide, but it seems it has limits, or at least that would be my logical conclusion based on experience, one I sought to confirm on google.  Cue further rabbit hole...  I don’t know how, but I ended up here, The Kinds of Physical Unions.  This one you must read, if only to make sure I'm not bullshitting you, such as I do.  Turns out, not all vaginas, or yonis as these tantric types like to call them, are equal.  There are little vaginas, and medium vaginas, and big vaginas.  If you have an itty bitty vagina a man with a 4 inch dick will feel monstrous, but if you have a super size vagina, then the same dick will feel like a stub.  Turns out, it's not just him, it's you too.  Think about that the next time you call a man little finger.

Gentlemen, do women prefer bigger penises?  Should you be hung up on the size of your member?  I'll let the lovely people at AskMen answer you.  “If the science doesn't do it for you, and you're still wondering "does penis size matter," then the study also took a look at perceptions of size and asked more than 50,000 heterosexual men and women how they rated their own size or the size of their partner. They found that 85% of women were satisfied with their partner's penile size, but only 55% of men were satisfied. Notice anything? The women were much more forgiving and didn't feel like they were dealing with inferior goods if they weren't being bludgeoned with porn-star worthy penises. Chances are that women within measuring distance usually have better things on their minds than finding a ruler, and if they don't, penis size probably shouldn't be your first concern.”  Does Penis Size Matter?  Before you get obsessed with your allegedly minuscule cock, and resort to foolish enlargement procedures and potions, you might want to pull out a tape measure and reassure yourself that you are in fact quite average, or possibly even above average.  Better still, google micro penises to see what a truly small dick looks like.  Trust me, after you see those pictures you will never question your 'manhood', despite the nonsense constantly being thrown at you by the porn idiots, me included.

I said it at the beginning, for all my talk of 9 inches, I have no idea what that looks like.  Maybe I've seen it, maybe I haven’t, truth is I was just glad to have seen one, live and in person.  The same way you buggers can look past our cellulite and stretch marks, hairy legs and saggy tits, that's the same way we very quickly get over what may or may not be a smaller than usual package.  Do we have something against smaller dicks? Perhaps, but once we factor in the not so minor fact that we may be lacking in certain areas as well, we become much more accommodating.  Frankly, for as long as your brain is large enough, we're good.  You?

Judging by the mockery pointed towards Sonko in light of recent, umm, revelations (I took potshots at him and I quite enjoyed myself, and I am not ashamed to say it), one would think size is a very important thing, but let's think about it for a minute.  The man has a wife, and children, and a mama on the side who appears to like shagging him, perhaps too much.  I'm just saying, he doesn’t seem to be suffering in the sexual department, despite what appear to be certain shortcomings.

Do you still think size matters?  So help me if you tell me yes, I will beat you...