It occurs to me that we never actually
got round to talking about sucking bones, last time around, probably
because I am a selfish woman more concerned with getting my own
pleasure, rather than serving up yet another unnecessary instruction
manual on how to get your man off. Let's face it, the last thing
this world needs is another how to suck a dick article, yes? No, there is always room for another one. Because it's December, and I am nothing if not generous in December (stop grumbling, I know I've been lazy...), I thought why not? Why not indeed...
I went off in search of the
how and why of a good blow job, but one hour in I realised it was not
particularly helpful. We've all read the Cosmopolitan 'How To Give A Blow Job' article (fun fact: it's a collection of articles, because they
keep adding new improved tips. Nkt!), surely by now the basics are
sorted...
- insert penis in mouth.
- suck on penis.
- do not bite penis.
- stare deeply into his eyes as you suck; or use both hands to rub his shaft as you suck; or use one hand to rub his shaft as you rub his balls/ass/thighs/hips/nipples with the other hand, while staring deeply into his eyes, while you suck; or stick a doughnut on his dick and nibble away, as you suck, and rub, and stare deeply; or suck, rub, stare, and play with yourself; or do all of the above in front of a mirror.
- be sure to tell him whether you want him to come in your mouth, or on your face, or on your breasts
- rinse, repeat
Hands up if you found this cosmo-type
sex education not even remotely useful. Both my hands are up right
now. It's complete bollocks, no? It's not that I object to the
always useful suggestion to use my hands, or breasts, or in one
troubling instance my feet, it's that I object to the idea that I
have such tremendous balance that I can kneel over a man with my head
in his crotch, bobbing said head up and down, and yet somehow find a
way to reach up and grab his non-existent boob, while staring deeply
into his eyes. What the hell do I look like, that stretchy geezer
from Fantastic Four? See, this is how people get hurt in bed, doing
all manner of silly things the magazines tell them to, because we
know no better. Nkt!
What you need to be buying, all ye in
search of sex advice, is the original 'sex' manual. Ladies and
gentlemen, I present to you for your orgasmic amusement, the The Kama Sutra of Vatsyayana. Cue sound of heavens opening. Or not, the book does have a tendency
to wander into the downright peculiar, but in its defence, it's old,
really old. The Kama Sutra has possibly every sexual act you can
think of, described in lurid (and sometimes florid) detail, and
because life isn’t just about sex, they have equally detailed
sections on courtship, marriage and courtesans. Yes, courtesans.
(Do you think we should have a discussion on what appears to be the
important place, in society, of women willing to have sex for a fee?
Maybe not.) There's also an intriguing chapter at the end, Of The Ways Of Exciting Desire, And Miscellaneous Experiments, And Recipes,
that describes, among many other things, how to augment any penile,
umm, shortcomings a man may suffer from...
When a man
wishes to enlarge his lingam, he should rub it with the bristles of
certain insects that live in trees, and then, after rubbing it for
ten nights with oils, he should again rub it with the bristles as
before. By continuing to do this a swelling will be gradually
produced in the lingam, and he should then lie on a cot, and cause
his lingam to hang down through a hole in the cot. After this he
should take away all the pain from the swelling by using cool
concoctions. The swelling, which is called 'Suka', and is often
brought about among the people of the Dravida country, lasts for
life.
Is your mouth open right now? Read the
whole page. It is, hands down, the scariest shit I have read all
year, and that's saying something, no? Yes. Bless their little
Indian hearts, these buggers were suitably deviant, a deviancy I can
only ascribe to the absence of TV to distract them from higher
pursuits. Don’t laugh, think about how much of our lives we waste
in front of random screens. Now imagine if we spent that time on
more productive pursuits, inventing wondrous flying machines and
shit. You're not convinced, are you? You're shaking your head,
aren’t you? Read it all and tell me you could write it, without
taking a break every two hours to check if the bloody plane has been
found. I didn’t think so.
It goes without saying that the Kama
Sutra has a section on blow jobs, or as they call it, mouth congress. Stop laughing. Before I link to this page I have to issue a stern
warning: if you are in any way bothered by the idea of a penis in the
mouth of another man, DO NOT GO THERE. It would appear that mouth
congress was considered a 'low practice, and opposed to the orders
of the Holy Writ', and thus
suitable only for eunuchs, and unchaste women. I am not making this
shit up. Assuming you have overcome any homophobic tendencies you
may have lurking...who am I kidding, at this point it's only women
reading...'Of The Auparishtaka Or Mouth Congress'
describes eight steps to the blow...
- The nominal congress
- Biting the sides
- Pressing outside
- Pressing inside
- Kissing
- Rubbing
- Sucking a mango fruit
- Swallowing up
As tempting as it is to paste the
explanations, I shall spare the gentlemen their blushes and let those
who are curious read it for themselves. Gentlemen, if any of you is
willing to be my lab rat (hey, Woolie), feel free to comment on this
technique hapo chini. One thing I would like to point out is the
complete absence of bullshit tricks and stunts, other than a cursory
note at the end, 'Striking, scratching, and other things may also
be done during this kind of congress.' Now I'm not saying
tricks and stunts are not required, I'm just saying if these freaky
buggers didn’t see the need for them, then perhaps there's no need
for them, no? No?
You like the tricks, don't you? Useless buggers...
From a woman then, the excellent
Voluptuous Voltarian over at Adventures, 'How To Lick The Lollipop'...
There a bunch
of techniques online that you can look up but in my opinion the
biggest teacher you have is the dick you are blowing. As you lick
your lollipop see if the reaction you are getting from the man is
favourable. Spread his thighs further apart so you have more room to
manoeuvre. Stroke his thighs and rake your nails lightly across them
till you reach his hips. Grab his butt. Fondle his balls. Suck one
ball while you stroke the other and then switch it up. Vary
techniques and pay attention to his reaction. Allow him to guide you.
See? There are no tricks to this.
Or perhaps there are. From my favourite shrinks, Secrets of Fabulous Fellatio, a scientific how to guide, with glans and ef'thing. (It bothers me how happy this fancy lingo nonsense makes me, but that's a story for another day.)
Or perhaps there are. From my favourite shrinks, Secrets of Fabulous Fellatio, a scientific how to guide, with glans and ef'thing. (It bothers me how happy this fancy lingo nonsense makes me, but that's a story for another day.)
The Fine
Points
• Alternate
sucking with licking the head and shaft.
• Flick your
tongue rapidly around the head.
• Lick or
nibble the scrotum.
• Stroke the
shaft with one or both hands while sucking or licking the head.
• Fondle the
scrotum while sucking.
• Gently
squeeze the head or shaft between your thumb and forefinger.
• Gently slap
his erection against your lips or outstretched tongue.
• While
providing fellatio, massage him elsewhere. Some men enjoy anal
sphincter massage during fellatio. Others like being anally
fingered—use plenty of lubrican't, and trim that finger’s nail.
• Finally, if
providing fellatio gives you pleasure, say so. Most men get turned on
knowing that their lovers enjoy giving head.
That last point,
that's what this post is about.
In my brilliance, last week I decided
to ask some men some slightly awkward questions about blow jobs, and
the answers I got were nothing short of a mind fuck. I went into
these conversations with a few pre-set notions in my head. Assumption 1: men love blow jobs. Assumption 2: men demand blow
jobs. Assumption 3: women give blow jobs. I was wrong on all three
counts. For the record, all the men I spoke were suitably deviant
buggers, all four of them.
Ladies, did you know that men may not
be as enthralled with blow jobs as we think they are? Half the men
said it wasn’t key to their sex, 'nice, but not important'
was one response, 'a dispensable appendage to the entire process'
said the other. I was gobsmacked. Smacked. On my gob. All along I
just assumed all men just have to have their dicks sucked, and this
despite having shagged a couple of men who didn’t care for it (I
assumed they were anomalies). The idea that a man's reaction to a
blow job would be a...shrug? I never. I blame the shitty porn I've
watched, all porn starts off with a dick in a mouth. Well, except
lesbian porn, obviously. Seriously though, there is a general
assumption out here that all men love to get their dicks sucked,
right? Gentlemen, it's in all our silly magazines and the pseudo
porn that passes for entertainment, and all the 'how to spice up your
sex life' tips make a point of instructing women on the finer points
(see above). And then it turns out this is a myth? This is the
oddest thing, but there you have it.
The next revelation was even more of a
mind fuck. Men don’t ask for, or demand, blow jobs. A few weeks
back I talked about never asking a man to go down on me, and the
reactions I got echoed my sentiments. Turns out men are the exactly
the same. Not one of the men I spoke to asks for head, they all take
it as it comes, if it comes. Remember, these are sexually confident
buggers, tending towards the freaky end of the spectrum. I can
understand the ones who don’t go gaga for the gagging not asking,
it's not important to them. Thing is, even the one guy who said he
loves blow jobs as much as, if not more, sex (dick in vagina), said
he never, ever asks. There was an odd reluctance here, part of it is
the assumption women don’t like to give head, part is the
reluctance/fear of getting bad head, once bitten, and all that (pun
wholly intended). Incidentally, contrary to my belief that men hate
it, three of the four men are happy to eat their women out, for no
other reason than they know their women enjoy it. One lovely
gentleman said, 'If cunnilingus is customer service, heck, I will
give good customer service.' Ahem. Sorry. Amen. I made a
mental note to continue that conversation with him at a later date,
at length.
The last revelation? Turns out women
generally don’t give blow jobs. I got numbers ranging from as low
as 'only a few' to 50%, which by my rudimentary mathafus puts the
average at about 30%. I was expecting responses in the 90% region,
to be honest, hence my mind fuck moment. I assumed that women give
blow jobs because it's been drummed into our heads that satisfying
the man is the most important thing, and because men allegedly love
blow jobs, then surely women must be giving loads of them, no? No. Ladies, if you have ever had a moment of doubt, wondering if you need
to get past whatever hang up you have, be easy, not too many women
are doing it, despite what the likes of Cosmo say. And he probably
doesn’t need you to, apparently. Turns out, oral sex is not nearly
as important as I thought it was, and this bothers me deeply. How
now? It's so bloody intimate I truly can't imagine sex without it.
Or is that why it's not too popular, because of how intimate it is? Then again, some people consider it impersonal, probably because they
think it taboo, dirty. I don’t get it.
Usually I write to work something out,
find some answers, get some sort of resolution. But not tonight. Tonight I'm left with that unsettled feeling in the pit of my
stomach, the feeling I get when I haven’t figured shit out, or when
I don’t like the answers I've dug up. My lovelies, what the fuck
are we doing in bed? This nonsense of not asking...or the idea that
some things are too taboo to talk about... Do we talk to each other
when we have sex? I mean really talk? Or do we just rub genitals
and get each other off?
We need to stop dicking around, man.
