Ask Yourself Tonight...

I’m a bit of an inquisitive sort, always poking and prodding, prying into things that are often none of my concern, grilling all manner of idiots as to how they came to be where they are, how they are, why they are… the stream of questions is unending.  I figure, if you don’t ask then you’ll never know, and I hate not knowing, because I’ve always thought that being ignorant puts you at a disadvantage, almost like being kept in the dark is someone’s way of keeping you, well, in the dark. 

That may not be the most intelligent thing I’ve ever said to you…

Mr Devaughn makes a return to my playlist, this time with a song off his debut album, the same album that has the longest ‘Thank You’ song in the history of thank you songs.  This bugger thanked his entire family, extended included, entire management team, every single mafan he had at the time, every DJ that ever played his tunes, and then for good measure he thanked God and all His angels, by name.  All I’m saying is, while you can accuse this man of many things, up to and including soft porn videos, ingratitude is not one of them, but I digress.  The song is ‘Ask Yourself’, and as you can see from the lyrics, the song is very much in keeping with his general theme of making great music to shag, or think about shagging, to.  This man is a shag whisperer, he puts words, and sounds, to the nasty, freaky little thoughts in your head, kind of like R Kelly on 12 Play, only with more soul and less Robert (R Kelly fans know what I mean, and the rest of you will figure it out for yourselves, eventually).

I’ll leave you happy,
I’m well educated,
And me and the maker of love,
We were both related,
When I wrap my lips around you,
Baby, baby you're going to get faded,
Are you prepared for love on cloud 9,

Girl, cause I can make it...

Perhaps I should have warned the more polite types to leave, no?

Ladies and gentlemen, we’re off to the sewer.  Tadadadada TA!  I know I always issue elaborate disclaimers, warning you that I am about to get tres explicit, but given that I swear like a sailor pretty much all the time, I’m thinking it’s a bit moot.  Still, its always fun coming up with new ways to offend the blushing flowers in our midst, so disclaim I shall.  This will get rude, and crude, I will make reference to various body parts not usually spoken of in polite conversation and I will try my best to describe as many deviant sexual acts as possible.  Hell, I may even feel the need to throw in a picture or two to spice things up.  You just scrolled down to check, didn’t you?  You poor, delusional creature… I am much too lazy to post a picture, especially in the sewer, I fear you’ll just have to use your over-active imagination to fill in the blanks.    

Seduction is a funny thing.  We like to think of it as hearts and flowers type mushy nonsense, wooing your beloved and all that jazz, but when it comes right down to it, seduction is all about finding common ground, and compatibility.  Strip away the romantic bullshit and what you’re left with is two people getting to know each other with a view to establishing some form of sexual relationship.  It’s a negotiation, and in a negotiation what matters most is finding shared objectives, mutual goals, reciprocity or, if all else fails, the bottom line, price.  What we want to find out when we‘re doing the seduction dance, is what is the other party bringing to the table, and what will you be expected to give in return.  It sounds simple enough in principle, but the reality is much more difficult.  On the one hand, you don’t want to be too explicit and run the risk of possibly scaring off the object of your obsession, but on the other hand you want to get crude enough to gauge their level of freakiness, because the last thing you want is to be stuck with a kinky bastard who wants to go much further than your suitably restrained ass would ever consider, or, worse still, a prude who doesn’t share your deviant tendencies.  

Which brings us to the conversation. 

I’ve talked about this before, about how you need to discuss certain pertinent matters before you get into bed with someone, just to make sure you’re on the same page and that your expectations shall be met.  The way I figure, you don’t buy a new car without first doing some research into its performance, road handling, maintenance, consumption, such like details that determine whether you’ll be the proud owner of a Vitz or a Hummer.  Same thing with sex.  Before you shag a bugger, you want to know what he’s all about, what he does, how he does, how often he does, how hard he likes to do.  That way you make an informed decision, instead of getting blind sided by a man who appears to be one thing, and turns out to be something completely different, no?  No?  Let me tell you a story.

A long time ago, back when I was young and naïve (not sure I ever was, but just work with me), I met a man who claimed he would rock my world.  I’m not paraphrasing, the man actually said, “I will rock your world.”  Because I was a bit of a gullible idiot, I took him at his word and did not bother to ask him how exactly he planned to rock said world, assuming that his idea of rocking was the same as mine.  You know how they say assumption is the mother of all fuck ups?  Its true.  So, so true.  This lovely gentleman took me to his humble abode, and then he began his foreplay by taking off his pants.  Yes, his, not mine.  And this was before he had kissed me, or even offered me a drink.  The man groped and fumbled and 10 minutes later the rocking was over, sans rocking.  Stop laughing.  That was the last time I ever took a man at his word.  These days, I insist on giving the man I plan on shagging the fifth degree, complete with (mental) questionnaire, because I will be damned if I am going to waste another 10 minutes of my life listening to a man grunt over me, asking, “Is it good?  How good is it?  Tell me its good…”  Who talks like that?  Stop laughing.

Folks, good sex is not that easy to find, and great sex is as rare as an honest politician.  Great sex is that rare combination of mental and physical, when your lover has not just gotten into your bed, they’ve gotten into your head as well, managing, somehow, to embed themselves into your fantasies.  Now I understand that we all have different ideas as to what exactly constitutes great sex.  Some consider sex that involves not one but two positions to be the height of adventure.  Some crave risky sex in public areas, hopefully poorly lit ones where they won’t be arrested for public indecency.  Some require mild bondage and perhaps toe sucking to get their rocks off.  Others insist on an hour of foreplay by candlelight before they’re ready to do the deed.  Some people like to stare deeply into their lover’s eyes while they make love, while others prefer to stare at a mirror, watching their lover watch them.  Different strokes for different folks (how apt is that phrase here?). 

While I may not know what gets you off, I can comfortably state with some authority that before you had that great sex, you talked about said great sex, because that’s the only way that bugger got into your head, no?  Don’t be shy, we all like a bit of sex talk once in a while, but if it makes you feel more comfortable, you can call it flirting.  Incidentally, if you didn’t do it, then perhaps that wasn’t really the great sex?  Stop frowning, let me finish making my case, then you can tell me to go fuck myself (although given the context, that statement may not have the intended consequences you’re hoping for, just so you know).  Let’s talk, really talk, about the conversation, because it occurs to me that in my endless babbling, I’ve never actually spelt it out.  The one time I talked about the conversation was when I was making a case, a good one I thought, against the funga nonsense that’s become the norm in this city.  Thing is, I suspect not too many people got what I was talking about, if recent conversations I’ve had are anything to go by. 

Ask yourself a question,

Have you ever had a session,

Of lovemaking, if you want me,

Have you ever been to heaven...

Ladies and gentlemen, in my attempt to save you from a fate as dire as mine, allow me share with you the questions you should, nay, must ask before you ever consider showing a stranger your business end.  

But before I do that, a few words of advice.  Don’t ask these to a complete stranger, lest you get slapped.  And don’t ask them within 5 minutes of meeting them either, the result may be the same.  You need to get someone as comfortable as possible to get this intimate, a process that usually requires a bit of time (which is why you shouldn’t be fungaing random strangers on night number one, useless buggers…).  Even then, you may want to consider customising these questions to suit your intended target, because most people do not respond well to direct questioning.  Ladies, you may have to get a bit smart here, do this in the same subtle way you asked him about his income, and his illegitimate children.  Gentlemen, this is the one and only time I advocate the use of the words ‘making love‘ (I just gagged a little), because until she has seen you naked, courtesy demands that you not talk about fucking her sideways, unless she talks dirty herself.  One last thing, keep in mind this is a negotiation, you’re looking to agree on the basics, before you get down to the filthy little details, so do not engage in false advertising, and do not bully, or beg, or promise money (unless she, or he, asks you to). 

Assuming you’re at that point where it looks like there’s a possibility that you’ll actually get lucky, place your arm on the bugger’s thigh, I mean arm, and ask:

a. When is the last time you had sex? 

The answer you’re looking for is not ‘last night’, because that would mean that he, or she, already has a bed companion, or is a bit of a whore, or both.  Basically, not a discerning customer.

b. Do you like to have sex?

As unbelievable as it sounds, not everyone does.  She, because its more likely that a woman would answer ‘no’ to this question, may just be going through the motions to get her man (read meal ticket), in which case she’ll probably say ‘yes’, but with a fake smile on her face.  Use that information as you choose.

c. How often do you like to have sex?

If he says he has to get laid very often, be afraid (see a.).  If he says ‘rarely’, then he could be pretending to be restrained (thus requiring further questions); or he could actually be restrained, which means he’s a ‘nice guy’ looking to try out the wild side for a change (possibly not good either), or you’re having this discussion after you’ve known him for a couple of years (really?  Are you sure you’re on the right blog?), or he could be gay and just going through the motions to get his wife (read beard).  And gents, if she says she loves to shag all the time, take her back home to her mother, because only a foolish young girl would disclose this to a man she’s never shagged.  The answer you’re looking for is a coy giggle, and then, ‘Only when I find a man I‘d like to shag, like you (sexy wink).’  Good answer, no?  No?  You just don’t know…

d. What’s your favourite position?

If he, or she, starts talking like a porn star, and you’re not thinking like a porn star, don’t go there, they are on a whole other level of deviancy.  If you’re on the same page, however, then start drinking Red Bull.  If they start blushing and using fluffy euphemisms (unlikely given the conversation you’re having, but still possible), and you’re thinking along similar PG lines, then look no further for your ‘love-making’ partner, and skip the next question to save yourselves some awkward blushes, hii ya mwisho hamwesmake. 

e. What do you want me to do to you, and what do you want to do to me?

If you’ve gotten this far, odds are the conversation has gotten a little steamy, and the hand has moved further up that thigh (this time I mean thigh).  At this point you‘re two steps away from the shag, and all you’re trying to figure out is whether their desires match up with yours.  If they’re explicit enough, and the only way to answer is by being somewhat explicit, you’ll get an invaluable glimpse into their fantasies, and in so doing, get into their heads.  If these last questions are asked and answered just right, you’ve just had sex without taking off a stitch of clothing, and if that sex was good, then rest assured, barring unexpected shortcomings, the real thing will be even better. 

And that’s the conversation, all five questions of it.  I know, I’m brilliant.  Evil, but brilliant.  Go forth and seduce, my lovelies, but remember, if you don’t ask, then you’ll never know, until you find out, and by then it may be too late, no? 

Girl, long as there’s air to breathe,
I will be yours, you’ll be me,

So prepare for lift off, but before we ride,

Ask yourself tonight…