Introducing... Obadiah!

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm Kai Nikii? welcome to the lovely Obadiah, one of the more silent members of our little group, and by more silent I mean completely silent, except when he sends me the odd email, usually with irrational demands.  This is the gentleman who instructed me to write on his break-up (A friendly break-up?  Hmmm...), because he wanted me to offer some of my invaluable nuggets of wisdom to the lovelorn, such as I do.  And so I did.  And then he went and ignored me completely, as you shall soon see.  This is his take on the ever thorny issue of break-ups, because he figured it was time we got more male perspectives around here, his perspective to be precise.  I agree.  You will too.

A Friendly Breakup.  Really.

Do things differently.  That’s what I tell myself, trying to actualize the phrase ‘Stand out from the crowd.’  And that’s the mantra I take into my relationships, especially when the boat appears to be wrecking, especially when I’m faced with my own ‘Titanic’.  They say a reaction is everything, and when the relationship bell rings, signaling an end, it’s that reaction that really counts.

I love with my heart and everything in me.  But I’ve been played, I’ve been left due to finances, or lack of, someone has lost interest in me, or I’ve simply ventured forth on my own when there was no more spark.  Nevertheless, I’ve never felt any need to leave my relationships in a bad mode, you simply never know when you’ll cross that bridge again.  Some dinner will do, or a weekend vacation, to finalize on the breakup.  And afterwards, a friendship, that was the basis of the relationship, continues.  My peers find it quite interesting, questioning how one can be friends with their ex, wondering how we can still be laughing moments after calling it over.  It’s all in the reaction, when you know the journey must come to an end.  That’s how I do it.  

I continue communicating with my former lovers, gradually cutting down on it.  And a time comes when I bid farewell, especially when other men come on board.  There’s never a need to make any man jealous, no? He wouldn’t understand, no one in their right senses would. For if one is still friends, good friends, with their former heartthrob then they must have shared a strong bond. And that would make a man, any man, stark raving mad.

My last relationship came after some years out in the cold.  It lasted only four months. But for the next one year, the friendship blossomed.  What was I doing, they would ask, even the lady herself.  Why did I still care about, meet and visit her?  Why were we having such good times, even better than when we were dating?  Is it that I was in denial?  Is it that I never let go?

I’ve seen painful breakups.  I’ve seen people tormented.  And that made me chart my own course.  I cannot do deflated tires, or abusive phone calls and shrieks.  I can’t withstand drama in public or bruises just to make a point.  That’s why I’m careful who I bring into my life.  And it has to begin with friendship.

I call myself lucky that I’m able to harness such friendships, as I wait for time to come and move on.  It actually surprises anyone I date, that I still seek friendships even when we both move on.  No, it’s not that I get lonely, even though I’m a private man.  And no, it’s not that I’ve dated angels, far from it.  I simply don’t let the tense ambers that come with breakups to flare up.

On my last journey, on the night after the breakup, she called me.  When I had immersed my mind with thoughts of moving on and starting all over again, she called me.  Not to try and reignite what was over, but to appreciate me for taking it in my stride and still having the courage to make her feel okay with her decision.  And she never stopped calling, even when we were no more.  Our friendship blossomed, even when nothing else changed.  To this day.

And that’s my school of thought.  There’s never a need to leave each other seething and loathing.  During those years I toiled alone, I was a confidante to many.  Their stories, their experiences were simply not good.  Is there a better way to kill everything off than to have someone in your house when you know your girlfriend or boyfriend is on the way over?  Is it worth to ignore someone’s calls when they have no idea what is going on?  Does one have to raise hell when calling it off?  No, I don’t think so.  You don’t need drama when you realize the relationship’s lights are dimming.  You need to be wise if you see the waters are about to wash you away.

I agree, it’s human nature to want to vent you anger when you are left, it’s anyone’s right to feel wasted, to feel a loss one considers unwarranted.  And many times that’s what makes relationships to end messy.  Because bitterness breeds anger.  Thankfully, patience is a virtue I have in some portions.

Yet again I know, it’s risky, very tricky, to still befriend your former lover.  For jealousy can grow in you, when you see them being treated like a queen by others, when you feel it was you who was supposed to do likewise.  It’s always advisable, at this instance, to keep your distance, it’s always better to cut off any communication channels.  Nevertheless, it never hurts to do it differently. You simply never know what the future holds.