Blogging 301: This is why I'm easy...

Ah shit!

I forgot my own anniversary, ten days ago.  After spending the better part of last month reflecting, I then completely forgot. I am not a serious blogger, am I?  Wait, I am in fact not a serious blogger, am I?   Which in turn means I get to forget important shit like my two year anniversary, no?  Yes. I forgot, so there, bite me!  You had no idea it was my anniversary, did you?  You just shook your head, didn’t you?  Ah well...  Happy birthday to the blog, and my most sincere apologies for letting her big day slide.  Yes, it's a big day, any time I get to celebrate doing something slightly useful for more than two minutes is a bloody big day.  Two years of rambling?  Humongous day.

That's why I fucking forgot, see?

Know it sounds funny, but I just can't stand the pain,
Girl, I'm leaving you tomorrow,
Seems to me, girl, you know I've done all I can,
You see I begged, stole, and I borrowed,
That's why I'm easy,
I'm easy like Sunday morning...

I've spent the last couple of weeks trawling through my archives, looking back, trying to figure out where to go next.  I originally set out to do a bit of spring cleaning, dust the corners, throw out the stuff I've collected but never use, restore some shine to old favourites, maybe even add a few trinkets here and there, tart up the old girl a little, in anticipation of her big day.  These were my ideas, and feel free to throw in some of your own, should you feel so led:
  1. I've been thinking of naming her, this lovely baby of mine, but Ian @ Doris has already made the naming thing his, and now anyone else who tries just looks like a shady imposter.  So no, no name.
  2. Maybe a new gimmick.  I should start putting pictures in, no?   Better still, I should start doing picture only posts, like a real artist.  Not sure I can pull off Jodo's rose story, though.  Plus I can't take a picture worth a damn so...
  3. Perhaps video, rather than audio, best of both worlds, no?   Lakini, si everyone has YouTube?  Audio then, only.
  4. Why don’t I add a new section, to replace Dunia?  Woolie is trying to rope me into his cooking schemes, but that takes more dedication than I currently possess.  What do you think, should I cook for you?  I can picture the look of abject fear on your faces right now, you're trying to put the sewer and a kitchen together and its scary, yes?  Hmmm...  I think I'll try that one, just to fuck with you.  Yes, my laughter is most evil right now.
  5. I should try poetry. If the Wolf can rhyme, then why not me?   Hang on, the 'me' at the end of rhyme doesn’t rhyme with me, does it?  Dammit!
  6. Maybe I should try a ka-fiction story.  Who knows, I might have some Ngugi tendencies lying dormant, undiscovered, after two years of non-stop rambling.  No, I'm not buying that one either.  But wait, what if I write porn fiction?  Surely I can put together some half decent smut?  I do have the source material, and I do like the sewer, and the bar is significantly lower, and now that Doc is gone (the king is dead, long live the king) there's a gap in the market, no?  Hmmm...  But why write it when it's so much more fun to read it on Adventures, or Tumblr?  I am a firm believer in never reinventing the wheel.  And I'm a lazy bugger.
  7. Why not write about my travels, like Flani, all travelling man with a pen like?  That reminds me, I really should go somewhere one of these days...
  8. I should spend more time talking about women's issues, all serious and what not.   Because that's just what the internet needs, another woman banging on about the girl child.  No.
  9. I know, why don’t I just write more lists?  Lists are always good.   Its a scientifically proven fact that a list can never be boring.  I think I should stop writing this particular list now...
For all my brilliant thinking, all I managed to do was change a font and tweak the colour of the soundtrack bar.  I know, complete overhaul, muchos dramatic.  Or not.  Ideas anyone?

As with any half decent anniversary post, which this is not, I must give thanks, stroke own ego, then stroke yours, then make promises that I will completely ignore once the post is up.

Ladies and gentlemen, lovers and deviants, thank you for keeping me company for another year.  Your continued patience with me, even as I become more erratic by the month, is most appreciated.  Your visits make me smile, your page-views make me sigh, and when you cut and paste my words, you make me wanna cry.  Haiya!  I is poeting and shit!  Woi...  Thank you for reading, even when I have nothing to say, bless your kind souls and eyes (you do realise my blessings carry less weight than those of a TV pastor?  On the up side, at least I haven’t asked you for money...yet).  Thank you for your most lovely comments, they truly make this blogging racket worthwhile.  I, we, have had conversations about love and cheating, Jesus and politics, music and books, porn and fantasies, mkwajus and ripe bananas, Barclays and Chinese roads...  We talk, that's what we do around here, and dammit if its not the best thing ever.  Incidentally, JayK, whenever you get inspired to return, I'm still waiting for part two of something or the other.  Just saying...  

As for stroking my ego, there's not much to say is there?  I could tell you about my amazing stats (I have a whopping 6 followers, one up from last year), but we all know they are not all that amazing.  I have nothing to brag about, I'm just grateful google hasn’t shut me down yet.  I would like to praise you though, you lovelies deserve a stroke or two.  The most popular post on this blog, hands down, is SEDUCE MY MIND, PLEASE.  I think that says everything that needs to be said about you, you smart, sexy lovely people.  Oddly enough, the most popular post over the last 12 months is...wait for it...LIFE LESSONS FROM MEN IN SHORTS.  Are you surprised?  I am.  Gobsmacked!  I figured it might be an anomaly, spammers and such like nonsense, so I looked to see the what was number two, and it is...drums please...THIS ONE IS ABOUT POOR JUDGMENT, A HELICOPTER,SMALL CONDOMS, A CAMEL, PORN, AND A MIRACLE?   How now?  Everything I thought I knew about your reading preferences is being turned on its head right now.  Turns out, you buggers aren’t only smart and sexy, you like football (or tight shirts) and random bits of news once in a while.  It's not until you get down the list, past ARE YOU THE ONE, FOR MS K?  and ON THE DOWN LOW, past CONFESSIONS OF A (POSSIBLY DRUNK) STRANGER  and THIS DOPAMINE IS NO JOKE, MAN!, that you find a sewer tale, at number 7, SEX YOU? WHY THE HELL NOT!  You sneaky buggers...  You may not say it, but it shows, you don’t just read the naughty bits, and you quite like the pseudo science bullshit.  Excellent.  Next time someone gives you a nasty look for reading my blog, tell them the people here are most intelligent.  Deviants, but most intelligent deviants.

Slight detour.  I've just realised I shouldn’t have hived Dunia off.  Oops.  Talk about Kenyan thinking: act first, plan later.  Now I know.

Last, but hopefully not least, a promise.  I promise to keep sharing my tales of batshit insane men with you, because you sadistic buggers love it when I meet these strange men.  I promise to keep talking about things we don’t normally talk about, including bad sex, and maybe good sex.  I promise to keep throwing stones at the idiot politicians and press (purely for my own benefit I realise, but at least this way, when I get busted by Mzalendo, you get to say you were here when the shit went down).  I promise to piss you off every so often, just because. I promise to make you laugh, even if you’re laughing at me.  And I promise to keep talking about random songs until you finally give in and play the damn things, because I am nothing if not persistent, no?  Yes, its the same one from last year.  No need to reinvent that wheel either, is there?

Why in the world would anybody put chains on me?
I've paid my dues to make it,
Everybody wants me to be what they want me to be,
I'm not happy when I try to fake it, no,
That's why I'm easy,
I'm easy like Sunday morning...

'Easy' by The Commodores is my karaoke song and I'll have you know I sing the shit out of this song (that may actually be quite literal, unfortunately).  On the surface, it seems like yet another old song such as I like to wax lyrical about, but if you think about it, it's a damn near perfect description of my flawed woman, and blogging, this blog in particular.  I love to sing it because I feel it, deep down; my voice fits (kinda, let's not split hairs), and the lyrics fit, and the song doesn’t require any fancy dance steps to pull off.  Layered music with a guitar solo that's better than the vocals, the simplicity of this song belies the complexity beneath.  Not unlike blogging, I think.  It's easy.  Did I just stroke my own ego?  Why yes, I believe I did, she says, chuckling to herself.

Happy anniversary, my lovelies.  Drinks on me, if you can find me, I'll be the idiot crooning Lionel Richie in the corner, at 2 in the morning, in a dark bar, possibly alone...