This one is about a dodgy award, and an even dodgier move to Machakos.

You know how I’m always bitching about the idiot press?  From what I can tell from the stats, not too many of you share my peculiar fixation with the crap these geniuses put in the papers, but this one must surely offend you.  It just has to.  In today’s Nation, there’s an article titled, “Pattni receives 'a gift from God'”.  The article then goes ahead to state, and I must quote:

Paul Kamlesh Pattni has been selected to receive a continental award to recognise his “achievements in humanitarianism”. 

The awards, organised by a West African organisation, The Excellence Awards Foundation (EAF) registered in Ghana, has selected Mr Pattni as the 2012 winner of the “Lifetime Africa Achievement Prize 2012” where he is to be honoured for outstanding “humanitarianism and equity in Africa”.  This year’s awards ceremony, according to documents seen by the Sunday Nation, will be at a Kampala hotel on October 27.

Ambassador Ashim Morton, who has signed Mr Pattni’s citation, says: “This exaltation of character, which is worthy of emulation, has made positive impact on the lives of your people today and will continue to influence them for a better future”.

Now I’m generally sceptical of pretty much everything I read in the papers these days, but this one had me checking the front page to see if maybe someone was punking me with a fake paper or something.  Surely, this cannot possibly be true, can it?  But wait, there’s more.

Respected South African clergyman Desmond Tutu won the 2010 edition of the award on the Eradication of Disease in Africa category while famous Nigerian author Wole Soyinka clinched the honour in the African Cultural and Traditional Preservation category.

My friend, this is a serious award, no?

Now seeing as how I don’t like to be out of loop on such important matters, I turned to google in search of answers, and lo and behold, this is what I foundThe Excellence Awards Foundation.  It was the third result of ‘About 7,460,000 results (0.36 seconds)’, and I only point that out to show the ease with which this information was found, by me, an untrained, and some might say highly unskilled, wanna-be investigator cum ranting blogger.  The third result on the page, please keep that in mind as I continue…

The Lifetime Africa Achievement Prize goes to an individual who has selflessly devoted themselves to bring about change in the lives of Africans within the last decade. Change that impacts communities and that significantly enhances the lives of the people for a better future.

After research of over 43 individuals from around the world was conducted, by a group of highly learned citizens of Africa, a distinguished list of persons was selected.

The Lifetime Africa Achievement Prize recipients will be honoured in Ghana on December 4th 2010 at the State Banquet Hall, State House.

This is off said site, on the page helpfully titled, “Lifetime Africa Achievement Prize”.  In a very short write up, short enough for even the laziest amongst us to read and comprehend, they clearly state what the award is, who its given to, and when its given out.  This then took me to a page very clearly titled, “2010 Lifetime Africa Achievement Prize Recipients” listing 10 individuals, none of whom was Brother Paul.  That’s okay, right?  He’s the 2012 recipient, no?  No.  From what I can tell, 2010 was the first time this award was given out, and there is absolutely no indication that it will be given out again anytime before 2015, assuming they keep to their 5-year schedule.  There is no 2012 award. 

This is information that I found in 15 minutes, using a geriatric laptop and dodgy Orange broadband, on a Sunday afternoon when I have what feels like a mild hangi (and thus sluggish of thought).  15 minutes.  How then does what is seemingly a blatant fabrication make its way onto Page 20 what claims to be a serious publication? 

Incidentally, the online version doesn’t include the priceless caption in the print edition.  Again, I must quote: 

Preacher hailed for ‘fairness’
The passionately worded citation reads in part:
“Congratulations!  The great continent and all sons and daughters of Africa have seen and value your unwavering pursuit of humanitarianism, fairness, equity and justice for all Kenyans.  And you are in deed an exemplar of morality to Africans; one who the Great Learned Minds of Africa confer with; we honour you.”

The author of this shitty article didn’t read this alleged citation and think to himself, “Hmmm… this sounds a bit suspect, perhaps I should investigate?”  What am I saying?  These buggers seem to think ‘investigate’ is a company that sells gates, or bloody vestiges, whatever the hell vestiges are.  Either the man didnt do his homework, or someone was paid to write (and publish?) this fluffy piece of rubbish propaganda.  What the fuck man? 

I’ll say it again, idiot press! 

In other more entertaining yet equally delusional news, one Alfred is quoted as saying, “The people of Machakos have requested me to be their first Governor because they want someone who is young, corrupt free, energetic, visionary and with the ability to transform the County into an economic and social power house. I have humbly accepted their request.”  That’s right, the man will no longer regale us with tales every Thursday afternoon, he’s off to Masaku.  And I’m going with him. 

I’m moving, people, I’m off to Machakos in February next year, for the elections.  The reason I’m moving?  I have decided to take matters into my own hands this time around, no more hoping that other people will do the right thing and not vote for a genius I don’t care for, no no no, this coming March I am taking a stand.  I’m off to vote AGAINST this one man, the one man who for the longest time I could do nothing about but whine incessantly to anyone who cared to listen, the man who uprooted the lovely rose bushes on Uhuru Highway, this as he attempted to pebble us into Dubai.  I know, the man has said and done far worse, but the stripping of the highway was, to my mind, the scariest thing to happen to this city in a long time.  How is it that someone wakes up and decides to undertake ill-planned and seemingly idiotic public works, at my expense?  Even worse said foolishness is quickly dismissed, after all vegetation has been cleared of course, and the bugger is never held to account, a bugger who has absolutely no business getting involved in the planning, or planting, of said city?  This is our capital by the way, not some rural one kiosk town in the back of beyond.  And he wants to be a governor? 

I’m moving, and if you are currently unsure of whom to throw your (seemingly) useless vote at next year, you’re welcome to join me on my misguided crusade.  Stop laughing, the last time we let buggers decide on their own we ended up with Mututho, and now my local shuts at 11 pm like bloody VoK.  Nkt!