Introducing... P44!

That’s right folks, I have a guest writer.  And not just one, but two, because I am the shit, no?  And that is as much swearing as you will be getting this week.  We’re on good behaviour, and that includes you deviants at the back who like to play with knobs, so be nice, they’re our guest virgins, or is that virgin guests?  And comment dammit (last swear, promise), it’s not every day we get ladies in this house and I’d like them to come back again. Without any further ado, may I present for your reading pleasure this Sunday the ladies of Project 44

What Gets My Goat!

So Alex, whom we love, was a guest at our ‘house’ a while back. She churned out a piece aimed at declaring a BOLLOCKS campaign. We had given her instructions about what she could and could not bring as ‘gifts’ to our rather orderly ‘house’; mainly, no cursing and then no cursing. Alex is bold and undeterred, she blogs and then blogs. It feels like, if it is not controversial, she will not bother blogging about it. Recently, she blogged about booty call etiquette and then some. She writes about sex like it were a ‘how-to-get-your-lil’-pumpkin-to-kindergarten’ (notice how we avoided using nursery lest someone thinks we are actually talking about a plant?) sort of topic, posts it and then responds to comments. Hehehe - nothing like that soft ‘thank you for dropping by stuff’ – she engagingly responds and debates. If you read Project 44, you can understand why we were at a loss when she came calling - we needed to return the favor and write for her blog. Although she had given us an open book as far as topics are concerned, we wondered what we were going to blog about and get it approved by Alex without her feeling like it needed some serious editing (read kink!). We relaxed and decided that she is at liberty to add some swear words and even tell us what gets her goat about booty calls (lol). So here is what ‘gets our goat’ - very random stuff:

1. Respect for time or lack thereof.
How many of you have friends who, to be honest, have neither manners nor courtesy when it comes to time? Picture this: we have agreed to meet at 10 am or whatever time. You text me and say “perfect”. I arrive at the meeting place; I, who respects people’s time and all, am there on time and you are not. I get out Dr. Phil’s latest book and I manage to get to the point where he is talking about being happy just being me even if Adam does not come (along, that is) – meaning I am way into the book - and you have not showed up. I am about to leave, I call you, you do not pick up (for some reason, people think that it is better not to pick up calls if they are late) and now that gets my goat. It really does! After what seems like eternity, you turn up and say “aki traffic ya Nairobi?!” Kill me now…and not slowly.

2. Emails.
These get my goat. I am talking about those junk emails that somehow find their way into the inbox. “Enlargement supplement sample, enlarge your penis by just popping a pill” “your love tool is set to thrill”, etc. Imagine that you are either waiting for a hotel reservation, train ticket confirmation or even better still, it is those times when you are job hunting, you are waiting for a confirmation mail and an email alert comes in. You eagerly open it only to read, “there is a long and hard one waiting for you”. Oh lord! This has happened to me. Well,  not the hard and long one (lol); I was waiting for official emails, first it was during the recruitment phase, there were so many steps in the cycle, and to be honest, I was keen on getting a job. Then those “Free trial enlargement, so hard you can break an egg” just kept coming in! These just kill the whole goat, not just ‘getting’ it!

3. Octopeople.
Yes, this is a new word we’ve just coined and yet to be entered into the urban dictionary. (Don't plagiarize it without giving due credit). There are people who move around like they have tentacles; they can’t move past you without brushing against your nicely coiffed hair and making a meringue mess out of it; or hit you with their elbow, hip or handbag – especially whilst getting through the aisles of public transport vehicles in Kenya. OK, so you may argue that some blame should go to the makers of the vehicles but I think people ought to be a bit more considerate when walking past others. If we were all clamoring for something and you shoved me, then I wouldn’t argue about it but when I am comfortably sitting and you decide to brush me with your tentacle body part, newspaper, smelly leather jacket or handbag, it just gets my goat! Pull it in, whatever it is!

4. Unofficial census.
Meeting new people is supposed to be a pleasant experience; you don’t know each other and you are supposed to extend courtesy to each other. However, there are people who choose to ruin the moment. I, like many other people, usually introduce myself by my first name and of course there are those who are undeclared lineage experts who are not satisfied with the first name and want to know my second name/surname. At the outset, this begins an itch on the chin of my goat because in many instances, it is like to degenerate into a tribal linkage followed by questions about where I come from and when I tell them, they tell me people of my tribe don’t usually come from there. The itch is no more an itch…..this just gets my goat. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for celebrating our heritage but I don’t think that gives a license to people to go around conducting unofficial census of who is from which tribe, where they come from and pointing out that their tribe and where they come from are not a match. I mean, really? Kai ni kii? I think this is where that body we pay so much money to help us with cohesion or is it co-existence should declare these unofficial censuses unnecessary or better still, classify them as hate speech.

5. Queue jumpers.
Need we say a lot here? Like this time I was at immigration, a well dressed lady who according to me exuded class but apparently with no manners at all - and hence no class - came, walked past people right to the front of the queue. My goat just got struggled for breath. It is very uncouth to jump the queue but what really gets my goat are the people who let it happen and then look at the person(s) behind them and say 'amenikata'. 'Alikukata ukiwapa wapi?' is what I usually want to ask but I maintain my cool and courtesy. If you let it happen, then don't point fingers - yes, the uncouth queue jumper is to blame but you are an enabler. Does anyone want to pick up a ‘no enabler, no queue jumper’ slogan?

6. Parrots.
I am yet to establish if this falls under the category of getting my goat or just eliminating it. Why are people so uncomfy with silence? Like someone said, Adams will spend a whole afternoon together, watching soft ball or tennis and not find the necessity to say more than 5 words to each other and they still remain very tight buddies. Eves (most of them) on the other hand, find the necessity to fill even the slightest moment of silence with chatter. How many of you identify with this because I do not want to feel like I am an egocentric loner? I would like to know that someone out there also believes that it is OK, very OK to have moments of silence. But tell this to people who think the more you talk, the more you look like you are great friends.

So that is our random list, but the fact these got on the list means that these must be high up there.

What gets your goat?

Fridah and Joyce