1. Is that your hair?
I bought it, therefore it is mine. End of story. Listen, you buggers need to get over this shit once and for all. For as long as there is a little Chinese man somewhere who can turn horse hair, or what looks like horse hair, into the semblance of a hairstyle, then, my friend, there will always be a woman looking to buy it. Your best bet is to give her enough money to buy real human hair (it actually comes off someone’s head? How is that not just the creepiest shit you could ever wear?), that way she won’t be walking around looking like a bloody carpet.
2. You look nice.
Nice? NICE? I’ve just spent the better part of my Saturday in the salon, getting plucked and pruned to within an inch of my life and all you can say is NICE? (Incidentally, the words in capitals are being screamed at you at that point.) Gents, nice is a word women use as a backhanded compliment, as in ‘Hey girl, those jeans are sooo nice…’ which in reality means, ‘Those jeans are the shit, lakini you chick, do you really think you should be wearing skinny jeans with thighs like yours? I don’t think sooo…’ The next time you feel the need to pay her a compliment, try using words like beautiful, sexy, stunning, exquisite even, such like superlatives that you usually reserve for the likes of Beyonce and Heidi ‘screwing the help’ Klum (slight detour, I must do a post on that saga, it’s too good to pass up, no?).
3. Your friend is looking nice today…
Its true, my friend is in fact quite hot, possibly hotter than me. I know that, she knows that, and we both know that you know that, but actually saying it out loud? Well that’s just foolish man. I’ll give you some free advice, shut up and save it for your boys, otherwise every time you’re out with your woman and her hot pal (which is very often, seeing as how the hot pal is always lurking around, looking all hot and what not), you will be in trouble if you so much as blink in that direction. And, just for the record, if your woman asks you if think her pal is hot? Do not answer, it’s a trick question. Say yes and you’re a bastard looking to cheat on her, say no and you’re a lying bastard looking to cheat on her. Either way you’re screwed, and not in a good way. Free advice. May not be all that good, but at least its free.
4. Can you lend me some money?
You know how they say relationships are partnerships, what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours, blah blah blah? Not so much, apparently. Turns out that what’s yours is hers and what’s hers is hers. The minute you utter these six words to your woman, you have just handed her both your balls, on a silver platter no less. And she knows it. Even worse, she’s not afraid to use them against your (newly castrated) ass. Even if all you needed was 100 bob for the papers, she will not only remember, it will count it as a significant debt for the rest of your living days. If you want to get money from your woman, simply do not use the words ‘lend’ or ‘borrow’. I know, she does it all the time, but she’s the one with the vagina, no? You sir, must use words like ‘give’ and ‘demand’, clear and unambiguous language that makes it clear that you have no intention of ever paying it back (because you don’t, do you?).
5. What’s wrong?
Often asked after a day and a half of silent treatment, usually after you’ve done something uniquely foolish (see part 1). You have to find out what’s going on, but asking this question will never get you an answer, at least not one that makes sense. Rather than interrogating her, tell her ‘we need to talk’ and then start off with the following, ‘I feel…’ It doesn’t matter what you say next, as long as you say ‘feel…’ and do NOT say ‘…like having sex’ immediately thereafter. You can thank me later.
6. Does size really matter?
Usually asked after her face does NOT light up at the sight of your business end (yaani, you didn’t get the ‘shock and awe’ reception you were hoping for, perhaps only ‘shock’?). There is only one answer to this question, she will tell you that she doesn’t really care how big you are (not), and then she’ll say something like, ‘its not the size of the tool that matters, its how you use it’. And here’s the problem. Option 1: she’s lying to you, stroking your clearly inadequate ego. You know she’s lying, she knows she’s lying, and her girls will know she’s lying too when she relays the conversation to them, word for bloody word. But you’ll feel better, so what the hell, right? Option 2: she really believes that, because she has never shagged anyone bigger, or smaller, than you, which then means you’re average and therefore have absolutely nothing to worry about. Hang on, was that a pig that just flew past my window?
7. Did you come?
If you have to ask, then you don’t want to know. Take that as you will…
