This one is about the man in the mirror, smoking tyres and a super chicken!

So these geniuses?  I mean really, there’s silly season, and then there’s party nomination season.  Can you say farce?  Just when I think our politicians can sink no lower, they manage to find the trap door at the bottom of their filthy little worlds.  On the up side though, the anguish they’ve caused is welcome entertainment for cynical bastards like myself, because now I get to say, ‘I told so, but you didn’t listen, did you?  Oh no no no…  You were too busy listening to the bullshit talk of new constitutions and other such like nonsense, thinking that a piece of paper would suffice…’  You should see the grin on my face right now, not even threats of hate speech will make me stop.  ‘And why am I so happy?’ you ask, thrown by my peculiar enthusiasm for politics, today that is.  ‘Let me show you my lovelies,’ she chuckles, evil gleam in her eye…

Ah the glorious ‘middle class’ citizens of Nairobi, useless langas of great repute, legendary whiners and twitteratti of note… they are all, to a man, upset.  Why?  Because a crude, stone-throwing, kanjora-type had the audacity, the audacity I say, to win his party’s nomination for governor of this great City of Nairobi.  Has he no shame???  And it gets worse, he beat an esteemed corporate money man, the kind of man with a face made to be on our money, a serious man.  Serious, I tell you.  (Just to be clear, when I say beat, I am not speaking literally, although if it had come down to it, I suspect the man would have kicked real ass, no?  I’m just saying …)  The audacity (and you must read this part with a snooty English accent), the audacity of this ‘underclass upstart’, the audacity of the man, to think he can do a better job than the man who knows how to sell stocks and shares, such like technical matters?  Audacity!  And then it got even worse, this shameless man then went on to kick another esteemed corporate money man’s ass, on TV.  Gasp!  The ‘middle class’ collectively fainted in distress.  Across the city, hundreds were slumped in front of their flat screens, holding their heads in despair, as the harsh reality dawned on them… that they are well and truly fucked.  Fucked how?  Does that man look like a man who forgives and forgets?  Once he figures out twirra, you best know he’s coming for your ass.  Kileleshwa be afraid, he’s coming…‘Eye of the Tiger’ is now playing in the background…The Gavana is coming! 

I haven’t had this much fun since idiots got themselves worked up over ‘primitive energy’, it’s like Christmas all over again… 

You don’t understand why I’m laughing?  Didn’t I tell you?  I’m laughing at you buggers, not the politicians.  Yes, you, bloody idiots who refused to get your hands dirty.  If you cared so much about the city, you’d have gone out to vote for ‘your man’, but you didn’t, and now I have absolutely no sympathy for you.  None.  Truth be told, I think Waititu is just the man for the job, not because he’s qualified, but because he is the best reflection of this city that we have had in a long time, not since the mayor dude who was ‘chot’ in his ‘end’ (I forget his name, that lovely genius of a man).  Stop frowning, you know it’s true.  We are a bunch of greedy, self-serving, occasionally vicious, law breaking gangsters.  All of us.  We have shit traffic, because we can’t drive for shit.  We have crime, because we’re all out here looking for a quick buck, and are willing to do anything, and I mean anything, to get it.  We are educated, but choose not to use our education to engage in reasoned behaviour, instead preferring the law of the jungle, or just the jungle.  We claim to be against corruption et al, but will quickly drop a note or two at the first sight of a tender, no?  (Guys of ‘sharas just laughed, its how we do, no?)  Face it, the only difference between us and The Gavana is that we hide our filth under shinier suits.  That and the fact that he throws a stone better than your manicured ass ever will. 

Don’t cry… 

Come now, my lovelies, its only 5 years, what’s the worst that can happen?  Insert evil laughter here…

In news of other cities, buggers must stop burning tyres.  No really, just stop.  Do you know what they put in that rubber?  It’s not good for your health, man, inhaling those fumes.  You’ve seen the warning about ciggies and impotence, join the dots…  The smoke is black, for crying out loud, black!  I’m also not entirely clear on the message you’re trying to send, are the powers that be scared of small fires, or molten rubber, or do the flames add dramatic tension…what?  I don’t get it, seems like a lot of effort to go to, just to be ignored.  What’s that?  You don’t actually think a couple of smoking tyres will make those twits see sense, do you?  You do?  You poor deluded creature.  Listen, if you don’t like the idiot who won, well, stole, the nomination, then just vote for the other guy, and there’s always another guy, no?  ‘What about Haki Yetu?’ you wail.  Ptuh!  If we had any real haki’s, we wouldn’t be the buggers out on the street, in the hot sun, choking on fumes (and this while they sit in a small air-conditioned room, making loose decisions to screw us over), would we now?  Either way, burning tyres is bad for your health, so don’t do it.  Why not burn some hyacinth, dreaded weed that it is?  You keep complaining its killing your beloved lake, why not put it to some good use?  Better yet, why not just burn a great big heap of another weed, if you catch my meaning?  You still won’t change anything, but you’ll be much mellower, and therefore less inclined to block roads and what not. 

In more serious news, Kenyan scientists have just created…wait for it…a chicken.  A hybrid chicken, to be precise, bred specifically for our harsh climate.  Apparently, those imported mzungu chickens can’t handle the hot African sun, and dodgy chicken food, seems they drop dead at random when subjected to harsh living conditions.  But fret no more, those days are gone.  KARI creates 35,000 super chicken.  Folks, there’s a new chicken in town, and its not just any chicken, it’s a super chicken!  80 more eggs per year?  What!!!  Do you know what we can do with 80 more eggs, per bird, per year?  Do the math, that’s some good money.  And don’t forget the savings made, thanks to the lower costs of rearing said chicken, says one Dr Anne Wachira, “The birds' quiet temperament and excellent feathering also allows it to adapt to the tough conditions, while also growing faster than ordinary birds.”  No, I’m not making this up, it was in the paper and everything.  And no, I’m not being sarcastic either, this is truly some revolutionary shit.  This here is that innovation they were talking about in Vision 20(kendo)30, not that pie in the sky dream of a Silicon Savannah in Masaku.  My friend, this bird is what we’ve been waiting for all our lives.  Chicken farmers of Kenya, rejoice!