You have to love this man, he writes me comments that are longer than my posts, and I don’t mind. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present the ever mysterious JayK aka JaybloodyK aka JayfreakingK, he that’s more popular here than I am, and I don’t bloody mind that either. This was his comment, comment mind you, on my 'man in the mirror (and super chicken)' post, and because it has a questionnaire, and you know how much I love me a good questionnaire, I thought to put it up, so as to make it easier for you to look yourself in his mirror. Proceed...
As the Nairobi chaterrati go ballistic on social media over the nomination of Ferdinand a.k.a Cliff as governor and Gideon Mbuvi a.k.a Mike Sonko as senator, what all these whining twitter gangsters and facebook thugs overlook is that people are a product of their environment and as such, will vote for the guy they perceive has a similar outlook in life like they (the voters) do. And in our beloved class-stratified Nairobi
Despite the fact that many of us deceive ourselves that we are above such ‘elitist/divisive’ categorization, truth is, we are all products of our environments and our outlook, attitudes, behaviour and voting patterns are influenced by our social backgrounds, upende usipende! So to guide you along in identifying in which area you real primal self belongs, herein is a simple, tongue-in-cheek self-exam to help you know who you truly are at the core. (Note: Key-word here: tongue-in-cheek! No need to go all twirra-&-stone-throwing gangsterific on my ass!)
Why would you want to know this information? Because it will help you understand why you sometimes do the things you do and why those in touch with their inner core vote the way they do. Plus this Knowledge will help you digest the soon-to-be expected unimaginable gut-wrenching heart-stopping election results to expect on March 4th.
A. SOCIO-CULTURAL OUTLOOK:
1. Its payday and you have some money to spare and want to upgrade your wardrobe. When deciding on where to go shop, do you:
a) Head to the ‘glitziest’ shopping mall to buy ‘designer brand-names’
b) Go to the nearest flee market to look for bargains, regardless of whether the label on the item is Gucci or Guchi?
c) Head to some ‘exhibition stalls’ to check out the latest designer knock-offs and try to bargain your way to pay less than the item is worth?
2. There’s a long holiday weekend coming up and you want to entertain yourself with some movies. Do you:
a) Go to the big Cineplex to get the whole 3-D big screen experience
b) Visit the local movie guy to get pirated versions of the same movie at 50/-
c) Buy an unlimited internet bundle or visit a super-fast cyber café or use your office’s super-fast internet connection to download the same movies
3. Its celebration time e.g. Birthday, graduation, engagement, stag/hen night, baby-shower etc. and you’re hosting. Do you:
a) Hire out a club/restaurant, with professional catering and an open-bar with the swankiest of spirits on offer
b) Buy some crates of liquor, get some relatives to offer free cooking services and host the gig at your crib
c) Fundraise from friends, Hire out some grounds, put up a tent. Have basic catering but no liquor. Make it a BYOB bash.
B. GOVERNANCE & SECURITY:
1. You have to transact with ‘gava’ e.g. Acquire ID, Pay taxes, rates, renew DL etc. Knowing how snail-fast the queues are likely to be, do you:
a) Whine about it on ‘twirra/FB’, then send your driver, messenger, lawyer etc. to do it for you as you are too busy with more important stuff like tweeting?
b) Factor in an extra 200/- to 500/- for ‘facilitation’ services and once you get to the queue, seek out the nearest ‘facilitator’ e.g. Watchie, office messenger, cleaner etc., ask them to sort you out with the required documentation and in less than 30 minutes after you entered the offices, you’ve been sorted while other hapless fellows are still in the queue despite coming before you?
2. One night during a black-out, you hear a noise in your neighbour’s backyard yet you know that the family had travelled. On looking, you see some ne’er-do-wells ‘liberating’ your neighbour’s tires from his parked car. Do you:
a) Close your curtains, duck under the bed and stay silent, hoping that the thugs didn’t spot you. After they leave, that is when you get the ‘courage’ to call the cops. Then the next morning, you go all ‘gangsta’ on FB/Twirra, bemoaning the lack of security in our country and how cops took ‘forever’ to respond?
b) Raise the alarm, grab some farm tools and with a neighbourhood lynch-mob, proceed to confront the vagrants and possibly dish out some ‘local justice’?
C. LIFESTYLE:
1. You have a decent budget & you’re looking for a place to stay. Do you:
a) Look for a diggz in those respectable neighbourhoods found in the west & north of Nai so as to present an image of success, never mind the fact that you’re paying a high premium just for name only and that you can get a similar sized crib for half the rate in another part of town?
b) Act rational, get a medium-sized diggz in an affordable part of town and use the savings to pay for something else, even though the water-and-electricity supply in your area is erratic and the security questionable?
c) Look for a bed-sitter/hostel in a bougie part of town where the rent is killing you financially but hey, at least you can get to say you live in Kile/Lavi/Westlands/South B etc. Plus, as you never ever invite anyone to your diggz, they’ll never actually get to see how niggardly you’re living?
2. You have to head into town for some shopping. Do you:
a) Try and avoid it at all costs and if unable, take a cab and stay only in uptown, viewing anything beyond Stanley Tom Mboya street
b) Panda a mat and go bila reservations, seeking for bargains from uptown hadi downtown a.k.a. Luthuli/River Road
D. ACADEMICS/EDUCATION:
When selecting where to go for higher education, you & your sponsors opted for:
a) Prestige / reputation above all else. And none better than those huko ‘majuu’. But if visa/costs were a MINOR hindrance, then a private university was the obvious choice. Public Uni was only good for breeding ruffians and stone-throwers!
b) College ni College! That was the dominant line-of-thought. Bora they were accredited by ‘gava’, what mattered was the cost. After all, the name on the certs doesn’t matter as much as the ability of the individual.
c) A hybrid route where you went to private but one that had an ‘affiliation’ with an ‘international’ university so that you could say that you did an ‘international’ degree but at a local institution.
E. INCOME GENERATING ACTIVITIES/JOB:
After graduating, it’s time to get a Job/work experience. Do you:
a) Use your family’s connections to either get a job in the family business or land a nice position in a multi-national company (i.e. Tarmacking to you is a foreign concept)?
b) Hustle juu chini to get a job in any company, whether big or small. And if unsuccessful, start a ka-small biz to keep you going?
c) Despite lacking family/friend connections, keep your efforts solely concentrated towards multinational companies as they are more prestigious plus local ones are too stingy pay-wise. And if none is forthcoming, afadhali spend your time at home rather than start a ‘ka-stall’ biashara which is demeaning to your degree?
F. VOTING PATTERNS:
When selecting a candidate in elections, you look for:
a) The candidate with a firm grasp of issues, with clear policy proposals on how to tackle the problems. Issues of tribe, race, gender are inconsequential so long as the candidate is able to perform. Plus he/she has a highly distinguished record in the public/private sector and hasn’t been associated with any scandal.
b) The candidate who looks, walks and talks like you. His/her background mirrors yours. Plus he/she belongs to your preferred tribe, gender, race, religion. As for those allegations of involvement in crime/corruption, so what? Si bora the candidate shared some of the bounty with you through generous harambee donations and sponsorships. Plus, when ‘breaking the law’ via throwing stones and inciting us against that other community, si he/she was doing it for us? Hawa matajiri na ma-barbie waache kutuambia vile tutapiga kura!!!
RESULTS:
If most of your answers were:
a) Congratulations. You are a bona-fide member of the bourgeoisie hence your disillusionment with everything government-related and your over-whelming, vaguely disguised desire for class-based divisions. For you, uhuruto/Waititu/Sonko’s candidature is a sure sign of hell-on-earth and you wish Mutunga and co. can quickly find some legal technicality for barring their candidature otherwise Kenya
My advice: smoke a blunt (or in your bougie case, chew a few more weed-muffins-&-cookies and chillax. Isn’t this the democracy you wankers are always yapping on about?
b) Wazi Jo kama Kenya ni yao
My advice: Dude, sio kila mtu ako na pesa ako against you! And just because some goon is leading the fight/stone-throwing/wall-punching against some ‘land-grabbers’ doesn’t mean he has your best interests at heart. Analyze vitu kwanza and make a rational choice kabla kupiga kura!
c) For the few questions where option c) was your preferred choice, my condolences! You clearly belong to the class of ‘wannabe’s’ – those who want to belong to the bourgeoisie despite having mtaani-type tendencies! Ironically, this is where most of us Nairobians belong, hence our ‘peculiar’ habits! My advice to those of us in this category: pick a bloody side, embrace it and own it! We can all see the hypocrisy in you, so do yourself and society a favour, accept the inner you and COMMIT to it, Dammit!
DISCLAIMER
Please note:
1. It is not based on where you reside but rather on your mental outlook. You could live in the swankiest of neighbourhoods e.g. Karen-Runda and still have a mtaa mentality. And as rare as it is, you could be in a mtaa area but still ascribe to bougie ideologies.
2. No side is better/superior than the other. All have their upsides and downsides and no-one chose into which one he/she would be born into.
3. While this self-test is slightly stereotypical, it is based on observable attitudes from various members of the different socio-economic backgrounds. Besides, stereotypes usually derive from some element of truth don’t they?
4. To those offended, there will be no apologies coming! Not now, not ever! Simply because:
i. An apology would be hypocritical of us. Alex & I don’t give an F**K about your sensibilities, plus, we are real to the most important people in our lives: ourselves!
ii. If you truly are offended about this post, then the stick up your ass must be so thick, it constipates you! Cultivate a sense of humour won’t you?
iii. No one forced you to read this blog. You could always close this tab and go back to more important tasks like venting your issues on social media and/or engaging the police in stone-throwing.
iv. Lastly, and more importantly, uta do?! Kama Alex ask, with all sincerity, UTA DO?
Soundtrack: Usher – Hush
Patrick Stump ft. Lupe Fiasco
