The Doctor will see you now...

Every so often you’ll come across someone talking shit about Lil Wayne, accusing him of being an untalented hack of a rapper, usually for no other reason than the man sounds incoherent.  Now my hip-hop roots are both old and (somewhat) shallow, my taste leaning more towards the Heavy D type lover MC’s, so for the most part I stay away from rap these days, not wanting to get frustrated by the lack of lyrical ability that’s typical of the Soulja Boy’s of this world.  I mean really?  Kiss me thru the phone?  That was the lyrical equivalent of ‘baa baa black sheep’, catchy tune included.  The day I heard that song was the day my career as a hip-hop head died a premature death.  That said, every so often I’ll stumble across an album that reminds me just how I came to know more Lost Boyz lyrics than are acceptable in polite society.  Lil Wayne’s Carter III was such an album.  I didn’t expect to like it, in fact I got into it expecting to absolutely hate it, so you can imagine my surprise when I not only loved the damn thing, it ended up on my playlist for about 6 months.  Very strange.

I know, you’re sitting there thinking ‘this ignorant cow probably just likes Mrs Officer and Comfortable, the R&B-esque tracks on the album.’  Alas my dear sceptics, you would be wrong.  The song I keep going back to is ‘Let the built build’, this song, nay, joint is 5 minutes of simple rap, no autotune bullshit or drum machines, just a short loop and a very strange young man rapping about nothing in particular.  My rap junkie pal cannot understand my obsession with it, seeing as how he claims he’s taught me better (he subjects me to rap for long stretches, for no reason other than because he can, evil bastard), and judging by what I’ve just read online, neither can most of the real ‘gangstas’.  Well tough titty!  You can take my gangsta passport away and I’ll still be feeling this little man with a dodgy dental formula and questionable fashion sense, so there! 

Incidentally, the reason I’m talking about said little man is because of another track on said album, ‘Dr Carter’, originally today’s soundtrack (before I got sidetracked by the beat song, that is), this as I attempt to follow up on one of the more random suggestions made last week. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m starting a new category: ASK DR A.  That’s right, my people, I’m going into the agony aunt business.  ‘Why?’ you ask, wondering what the hell kind of advice a delusional cow like me could possibly give.  A helluva lot, I’ll have you know, I am not only smart, and sage, I am also very profound.  No really, I am, I have it in writing, check the old comments if you don’t believe me.  And now I’m thinking its time to take this show on the road.  Without any further ado, may I present (drums please…) The Doctor.  This is my attempt at dispensing advice on matters romantic and sexual, because I’m brilliant like that.  Please note that any answers given are in no way a reflection of the editorial policy of this blog, if any.   

Dear Dr A,

I recently bought a new car, a Mercedes E-class, and now all the girls I meet are only interested in my money.  What should I do?

Moving on up, in style.

Dear moving,

I feel you, my brother.  You said E-class?  Perhaps we should discuss your problem over a glass of wine later this evening?  ;-)

Dr A

Dear Dr A,

My wife refuses to give me sex more than once a month, despite my constant begging.  I am so frustrated.  I love her, but if things do not change I will be forced to go and get it outside.  My secretary has repeatedly offered herself to me and I fear I may succumb any day now.  I love my wife, but this girl is very pretty.  What should I do?

Deprived bastard

Dear deprived,

Now you man, what do you mean begging, what kind of man are you?  I want you to go home right now and demand your rights from that ungrateful cow.  Ati anakataa bwanake?  Nkt!  When she kicks you out, then you can go to the secretary, the wife has just given you a free pass.

Dr A

PS.  Do NOT approach mama watoto when she is in or around hot water, or hot oil, or a hot iron.  Or if she is holding a sharp and/or heavy cutting implement.

Dear Dr A,

I want a baby so badly.  I met a cute guy this week who I think would be a good father but he insists on using condoms all the time.  I am so frustrated because all my friends have babies and imagine I don’t have one.  I am going to get my boyfriend drunk tonight and then I’ll do him bila.  Do you think he’ll be angry with me?  I luv him so much, I don’t want to lose him.

Desperate cow

Dear desperate,

I understand that you have strong maternal urges and I applaud your determination to become a mother.  However, I feel I must warn you that your boyfriend of one week may not appreciate being tricked into having a child.  He may, and this is a remote possibility, feel manipulated and instead pull away from you.......ah fuck it!  Woman, for all that is good and right in this world, please, do not reproduce, I don’t think the world can handle another one of your kind.  I beg you, do not.  I shall pray for you.

Dr A

Dear Dr A,

I love my boyfriend so much, he takes care of me and my child (from a previous relationship).  A few months ago I took him home to meet my parents and he asked my father for permission to marry me, it was the happiest day of my life.  Then, last month the father of my child reappeared and asked me to move in with him.  I don’t know what to do, I love my fiancé, but I would like my child to grow up with his father.  Should I go back to this man who left me when his son was only 3 months old, or should I stay with this man who has been taking care of me for the past two years?

Confused cow

Dear confused,

Eh?  You know what, leave your fiancé and go back to the langa ex.  You two geniuses deserve each other.  Useless buggers…

Dr A

What?  It’s been a serious month, surely I’ve earned the right to write a bit of rubbish, no?  No?  Ah well…

"As I hit the kill switch,
Now that's how you let the beat build bitch..."