Sex. Again.

Even in a year when I wrote not more than 10 posts, only 2 of which were about sex, someone rocked up in the comments section and accused me of, “still bitching about sex.”  Now I ask you, is that what I do?  I’ve been labouring under the misguided impression that I was sharing knowledge, having valuable conversations, dispelling (and maybe accidentally creating) myths, useful shit.  But noooooo...  I’m just bitching about sex.  I wept into my cups that day.  And then the following day I resigned myself to my unfortunate reputation.  I figure, there as worse things on this internet than being known as the mama railing against bad sex, no?  I don't even have to issue a disclaimer any more, not if you deviant buggers read sex whenever I write, even when I write about the most nonsexual things.  It's brilliant.  Troubling, but brilliant.  To wit...

If what I keep reading on the interwebs is to be believed, there are way too many people out there having bad, nay tragic, sex.  Sex that involves pleasuring only one party.  Sex that involves more exertion than may actually be necessary, all in an attempt to be freaky.  Sex that involves pretending to be the person the other party desires, rather than who you really are.  Sex that does not involve any connection save for the mandatory touching of genitals.  Sex without intimacy.  Sex that does not involve nearly enough conscious decisions.  Sex that involves coercion, which may then no longer be sex, but rape.  If what I keep reading is to be believed, there are people out here, many people it seems, who think sex is a way to get one over someone else, a way for them to get what they want by any means necessary.

How the hell did we get here?

Because it's the second day of my official Christmas break (woohoo!) and this post is intefering with my Dr Who marathon, I’m going to skip all the scientific research mumbo jumbo and skip right ahead to the list, a list, I might add, I suspect I’ve already written before in all its many variations.  This is the year end summary of all things sex.  Ready?

1. Pleasure must be mutual.

For fuck’s sake, stop being so bloody selfish in bed.  You man, if you think pounding the woman for five minutes till you come is sex, you need to buy a plastic vagina and leave the real women alone.  yes?  Just nod.  If you do not:
a. kiss her (all over, for the record, not just on her lips),
b. play with her boobs, where play involves hands and mouth, and maybe stubbly chin if she goes for the whole sandpaper effect on her skin,
c. stroke her back and/or belly and/or thighs and/or toes,
d. eat or finger her damn pussy, and/or ass if she goes for that too (please ask first), until she comes,
then you have no business inserting your business end into hers.  Comprende?

And you woman...yes, you...the same applies to you, only swop out d. for suck/lick his dick and/or balls, and/or ass if he goes for that too.  And throw in a quick lick or suck of that spot at the top of his hips, where there’s a dent in his body.  I don’t know if it works for all men, but some men apparently has a loose nerve lurking therabouts that seems to do the trick for them.  What?  I read that in a Cosmo once.  It's never worked for me and mine, but who knows?  I told you this won’t be scientific, figure it out for your own damn self.

Bottom line, pleasure is mutual, which means both (or more, no?) parties have to be satisfied.

2. Freaky sex isn’t necessarily the best sex.

Cunnilingus or fellatio, or analingus, is not for everyone.  Neither is doggy style, or reverse cowgirl.  And you know what?  That’s perfectly fine.  Not every woman has a yearning for sex outdoors, or a 50 shades fantasy.  Not every man wants to be tied up and flogged.  Not everyone wants to have a threesome.  The way they tell it, online at least, if you’re not having sex 3 times a day in all manner of positions or with all manner of implements, then your sex must be crap.  Nope.  Not even remotely.  Sex is as personal as the individual having it, so do what makes you happy.  Yes, I know that making someone else happy makes us happy, but you can only accommodate so far, no?  Once it becomes a case of you pretending to be someone you’re not, especially when freakiness is the issue, then maybe it's not worth it.

This sounds odd coming from me, I’m the one always pushing you to try new things, but after seeing (reading, mostly on twitter) what people are doing in the name of sexual liberation, I’ve come to embrace the more conservative amongst us.  That’s not to say I’ve become more conservative, hell will freeze over first, but even I have limits, and I’m no longer ashamed to admit it.  Be as freaky as you want.  Or don’t.  Anyone who has a problem with you needs to walk on by, yes?  Yes.

3. Seriously though, sex is supposed to feel good.

With the exception of the kinkier end of the spectrum where discomfort is part of the sexual experience and feeling good is somewhat more complicated (remind me to write that post one day, when I'm properly toasted ideally), sex is supposed to feel good.  Really, really good.  That’s kinda the whole point.  So if you’re out there having sex with a man who doesn’t take the time to get you aroused enough before he shoves it in (ouch!), or if you’re shagging someone who’s a bit rough on your parts and you don’t like it (men and women alike have just crossed their legs after recalling a particularly unpleasant memory), or if you’re fucking someone who makes you feel like crap (before, during or after), then don’t fuck with them, again.  It’s supposed to feel good.  On this one aspect, you cannot compromise.

4. Unless you are a prize arsehole, you will make some sort of connection. Deal with it.

Proponents of casual sex are staring at me with one eye.  Feelings types are getting ready to hoist me on my own petard.  I’m about to disappoint you both.  This is not a warning against no strings sex, go right ahead, I said some sort of a connection, not love or happily ever after, a connection.  It’s built into good sex, great sex even more so.

The way I see it, sex is simply about getting yourself off, it’s wanking with audience participation.  Good sex is about getting each other off, it’s more interactive, there’s give and take, I do you then you do me and then we do...us.  Great sex, however, is about pleasure, not just getting off, the act is as important as the end result.
Viva la RevoluciĆ³n! Or not. 

Yes, I quoted myself, but only because I think that was one of the most profound things I’ve ever said.  Clearly, I’m biased.  Tell me, how on earth do you propose to get someone else off without making even the most basic connection with them?  So how then, do you turn around and claim intimacy-less sex could possibly be good?  Do you see my point?  You don’t, but I put it the list so I can refer you back here if and when you do something foolish.

5. Sex is a conscious decision.

We all like to have a slightly (or very) drunk roll in the hay from time to time, at least those of us fond of the tipple do.  Alcohol lowers inhibitions, makes it...I’m not sure easier is the right word, but it fits...alcohol makes it easier for us to let our guard down, doesn’t it?  Thing is, and this is where the complications arise, sex is something we choose to do, consciously.  I need to repeat that.  We choose to have sex.  We don’t stumble into bed randomly, or accidentally land on a penis, we choose.  Alcohol, or drugs, impairs our ability to make decisions.

See, it’s one thing when this drunk sex is being had between two people who already have a sexual relationship, the decision to have sex may already have been made, but what of people who are not already shagging?  And what about random acts thrown in under the influence, acts you may not have agreed to prior, but now that you’re not thinking too clearly, well, shit goes to fuck.  Even worse, what about the idiots out here who deliberately use alcohol to get laid?  The moment alcohol is used to reduce or remove someone’s ability to make that decision, it’s no longer consensual sex, for the simple reason that they can’t consent, not with a clear mind.

For those of you still clinging to the idea of sex via intoxication, I read this analogy a few weeks back, if someone is too drunk to drive, you probably shouldn’t have sex with them.  Operating heavy machinery and such like.  Ahem.

Folks, I don’t know what else I can say at this point to convince you (them?) that sex is neither pointless sport nor competition.  That’s not to say sex can’t be playful (it should be), or that trying to win at sex is a bad thing (we all love prizes, no?), but our obsession with winning at all costs is detrimental to the quality of our sex lives.  Put differently, quality over quantity.  And quality for both parties involved, not just you and your own genitals.  How hard is it to understand that your lover’s pleasure should matter just as much as your own?  That your lover’s desires, or lack thereof, are as central to the sexual experience as your own?  That (great) sex is about getting naked, truly naked, sans bullshit and trickery, your own included?

I'm done bitching.  Be safe, be careful, be gentle with each other.