I've got the problem
You got the solvin
Baby...
When one opens one’s news reader on a random Wednesday morning to find this headline, “Lesbians Are Having More Orgasms Than Straight Women”, one can either take it as a sign from the universe to start shagging women, or as a sign to get back to one’s blog. It could also be a sign that I need to stop relying on suspect sites like HuffPo for my daily news, but in my defence, I’m in the middle of a pseudo Mexican stand-off with our dailies (I mean a boycott, of sorts, but only on my end it would seem) and I must have my daily dose of nonsense, but I digress. So this article went ahead to inform me that the results of a recent study show:
While heterosexual
women reported orgasming 61.6 percent of the time and bisexual women
reported 58 percent, lesbian women had the highest orgasm rate at
74.7 percent.
And because that isn’t sad enough for
heterosexual women, there’s this:
…heterosexual
men reported an 85.5 percent orgasm rate, gay men 84.7 percent, and
bisexual men 77.6 percent…
And there you have it, my lovelies, the
scientists have spoken. 62% means for every five times a
heterosexual woman has sex, she orgasms during only three of those
sessions. Quick question, what happens to her the other two times? Does she sigh contentedly enjoying her almost come, comforting
herself with the knowledge that the next one will be better,
statistically? Or does she harangue her man for not delivering? Or
does she wait until he falls asleep to get herself off? Or does she
resign herself to dissatisfaction and drift off to blue-ball (read,
clit) sleep? I’m curious, ladies, what do you do when this
happens? I’d ask the gentlemen, but you buggers reported 86%,
that’s 4 in 5 times, 4.3 in 5 to be precise, which means there’s
at least one time you got off and she didn’t, you selfish bastard. What? It’s either that or there is a significant number of guys
who just don’t get it, ever, about 38% of you. Kidding. Or not.
But wait a minute, based on these
numbers, are they saying women get off more when shagging other
women, or are they saying women get women off better than men? As it
turns out, they’re saying both, and something else. From an
opinion piece on said study, “Lesbians know the secret to the best orgasms you’re not having”,
a bisexual woman explains:
Lesbians, though,
reportedly have less trouble reaching orgasm than straight or bi
women. Sexologists as far back as Masters and Johnson theorized that
lesbians enjoyed sex more because they weren’t inhibited by the
same gendered expectations of performance and pleasure – or chaste
endurance– that plagues hetero pairings.
Basically, straight women come less
because they’re too busy being 'proper' to come. Lesbians, on the
other hand, appear to have less inhibitions because they’re, well,
more open, seeing as how they’ve already broken social convention
and no longer feel the need to be restrained about their sexual
pleasure. But that's not all it is, is it?
Slight detour. This then begs the
question, why do bisexual women orgasm less? You’d think
they have the best of both worlds, no? Apparently not. From the
same article:
The lesbian orgasm
rate isn’t just about an advanced skill set, though. The study also
determined that the way women sexually identify affects how
frequently they orgasm – and bisexual women fare the worst,
regardless of whom they’re trying to reach orgasm with. But
bi-visibility, and the still-limited understanding that bisexuality
exists as more than just a waystation between deciding to be gay or
straight, is still hard for many of us to navigate publicly…and in
the bedroom. So if self-identification – and comfort and attachment
to that identification – affects the orgasm ratio, it’s not
surprising that bisexual women lag behind.
I can only assume the same argument
applies to bisexual men as well, their numbers are also lowest amongst men. We shall revisit this bisexual story another
day, I suspect it bears some discussion, no? Detour over.
I've got the problem
You got the solvin
Baby...
The first time I
ever had sex with a woman, I remember being overwhelmed – and not
in the way I had expected. Over the course of several hours, we had
three all-encompassing orgasms each and, finally, I understood the
significance of our recovery periods (or the lack thereof) to women’s
capacity for pleasure. It even gave me a newfound empathy for the
plight of your average heterosexual male, inwardly sighing that his
partner might be ready to go at it again already. Then I smugly
counted my XY fortune.
Three orgasms. Each. No dick. Stop frowning, gentlemen, this is just one woman’s experience. I
shall now have a wee chuckle.
Gentlemen, women aren’t built like
you. We don’t need to take a 30 minute nap and a snack after we
come, we just keep going and going and going... Like she says, we
have some empathy for you unlucky buggers, you got the short end of
the stick when it comes to the come, but that empathy will only take
you so far. Put differently, while we expect that you shall be
completely useless once you climax, we expect that you shall
endeavour to ensure we climax, hopefully several times, before you
collapse into a drained stupor. Either that or you get us a female
lover to do the job you choose not to, your choice. It goes without
saying that right now most women reading this, or maybe just me, are
currently very open to the idea of shagging a woman, once we, I, overcome the
minor matter of the missing dick...
Do lesbians have more orgasms because
they know women better than men ever could? From the study:
In the study text,
the researchers posit the higher lesbian percentage could be
attributed to factors such as "self-identified lesbian women are
more comfortable and familiar with the female body and thus, on
average, are better able to induce orgasm in their female partners."
Other reasonings include: length of the sexual encounter, attitude
towards gender, sexual roles during intercourse and possible hormonal
differences.
Why yes, it seems they do. Women, it
seems, really do it better.
Chuckling some more...
Just like chocolate melts all over ice
cream
I wanna pour myself all over you
I know it sounds crazy
sounds like it tastes good too...
I’m not trying to turn this into a
men don’t know how to get women off discussion, that’s not what I
do, is it? I’m a firm believer in learning to get yourself off
(take that as you will), convinced that it always starts with you. We’ve talked about orgasms before, at length, and by now you know
women usually take longer to come than men do, don’t you? Don’t
you? You buggers don’t read the links I put up, do you? And do
you want to know how I know you don’t read the links? One of the
orgasm posts had a link to a satire piece on the male orgasm and it
was complete and utter bollocks, but to date, not a one of you has
pointed it out. No, no, don’t try and explain, I don’t want to
hear it, but know that one day there will be a test, and all you
idiots will fail miserably, so there, dammit. 'Where was I?' she
asks, wiping righteous indignation inspired spittle off her chin. Orgasms. Two points to revisit from the tension post.
First:
You may have heard
that it takes a lot longer for women to reach orgasm than it does for
men. This is not entirely true. During masturbation, women and men
reach orgasm in very similar amounts of time. On average, women reach
orgasm in a little less than four minutes. For men the average time
is between two and three minutes. The difference in the time it takes
women and men to reach orgasm during foreplay and vaginal intercourse
is greater. On average, it takes women 10-20 minutes to reach orgasm.
Men reach orgasm after 7-14 minutes overall, but average two to three
minutes after beginning intercourse.
See, up there when they mentioned the
length of the sexual encounter, this is what they were talking about. Men, admittedly not all men, simply don’t take the time to get
their women off, whereas a woman is automatically in sync with her
female lover, if only biologically. This one issue of how long the sex lasts is the one
complaint you will always get from women and with good reason, it
takes us longer.
Second (from the same article):
Most women
experience orgasm through clitoral stimulation rather than through
vaginal penetration. So if you are having difficulty reaching orgasm
with a partner, try clitoral stimulation during, before, or after
vaginal intercourse or oral sex.
It's (almost) all about the clit, which
is to say the odds of you pounding her into happiness are slim to
non-existent, not unless said pounding is accompanied by dexterous
fingers. Or a woman. Gentlemen, this is the one sad, or happy I
like to think, truth about making a woman come, you need to play with
her sweet spot, her love button...I just cringed a little typing
that, no more crap synonyms...play with her clitoris. Fingers are
good, mouth is much better. Much, much, much better. Did I say how
much better your mouth is?
You don’t have to worry bout givin me
too much
One thing baby, yeah, you never get
enough
I've got the problem
You got the solvin
Sugar...
Just between you and me, I think the
reason lesbians have more orgasms than straight women is because of
this one thing. Oral sex. I figure, not having a penis between you
allows you to focus on giving and receiving orgasms the way you best
enjoy, which means less 'bang bang cum' and more 'licky licky'.
I know, its crass, but dammit if it's
not the smartest thing I've said all night.
Just can't get enough
Lovin you...
We shall talk about Ray Parker Jr,
soon.
